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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

173 replies

FuzzyPeachandRainbowBrite · 19/03/2017 23:24

I'm posting this here as I literally don't know where else to turn. I have this horrid dirty secret that I don't tell anyone. My marriage of 10 years is on the brink of collapse over it.

My husband doesn't fancy me. He is loyal, devoted, caring. He is a brilliant father, housemate, all round lovely bloke BUT he had a sex drive of zero.

Before we met, when it was with casual partners, he did have a healthy sex drive. Many partners. In fact he appeared very highly sexed on our first couple of dates. Since then it's been all downhill.

When we do do it, the sex is good. But left to him? It would honestly happen about twice a year.

I confronted him about 6 months into our relationship. I just said fairly matter of factly that I was really happy together but guess maybe he wasn't as he obviously didn't fancy me. He was at pains to tell me how much he did fancy me, the 'need' just kind of doesn't take him. He reassured me over and over that he would be more aware and not leave me feeling unwanted as that was far from the truth.

Well, 10 years on? Essentially the situation is identical. Actually it's not, it's much much worse. We have had counseling (he never ends of sticking to whatever he's promised to do), he's watched me sob every time it reaches a head about every 3 months and he's watched my body image and self confidence sink to the depths.

Yes I know, in a perfect world I'd maintain that without the approval of anyone, but honestly? Being sexually ignored for 10 years by the person who should cherish you most is just soul destroying.

I feel duped I suppose. Before we got married he always had a reason that he hadn't thought to notice me for months, too tired, work too busy, life got in the way. He didn't want it to be like this either, he'd try and notice me a bit. He pushed and pushed to promise me that this wasn't going to be the sexless relationship he knew I didn't want.

I've done all the counseling activities. I've done all of the 'encouraging'. I'm just bloody fed up. I feel lonely and dried up and so so sad. I'm fed up with fighting to have a sex life.

My friends and tv and films always talk about men and their pesky sex drives. I sit there in silence feeling like a sexless lump.

My options are, split up and break up our family (kids) OR stay and accept feeling like this forever. I can't fight any more I'm so tired and humiliated.

So. AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

OP posts:
Oblomov17 · 20/03/2017 07:31

Is there any love and affection? What about the cuddling, kissing, cradling you as you stand at the kitchen sink? What about snogging or BJ's? Is there nothing at all? Is penetrative sex the issue here or rather a general lack of affection?

Iris65 · 20/03/2017 07:31

I am so sorry.
Your first post could have been written by me. We were married for 20 years and 15 of those years were totally sexless. In every other way he was lovely (still is).
I left 3 and a half years ago and now live with another partner.
It broke my heart (and my XH's) but he couldn't change and at the last moment when he tried I had lost all sexual interest in him.
I am very happy with my DP but still grieve over my marriage, It is sad. x

blackteasplease · 20/03/2017 07:49

I agree with the more balanced views.

Neither of you is "wrong" or a bastard Hmm

He should have been clearer that he was going to be like this earlier on, but maybe he wanted to become that person.

However if you are not happy, it's not wrong of you to leave the marriage either.

Nancy91 · 20/03/2017 07:53

That sounds horrible for you and him. You are living as friends not husband and wife.

Maybe there is a fetish that he can't get aroused without?

If you instigate sex what does he say?

He should see the doctor and rule out hormonal problems or depression.

disappearingfish · 20/03/2017 08:10

really is very strange and not natural for a man to not want any sexual release at all

Joey that's not helpful or accurate. People's sex drives vary. Both men and women. It's not helpful for all sorts of reasons to assert that men will explode if they don't ejaculate frequently. It's a line that abusive men trot out when coercing women into sex.

minion246 · 20/03/2017 08:12

Oh op I'm in a relationship that he doesn't have much of a sex drive but would rather use his hand and help himself. I know how you feel when you say you feel so low as that's how it makes me feel, like I'm not good enough and that I'm too ugly or fat even tho he says he loves me. I've spoken to my dp and he like yours made promises that never worked. I've gave up trying now (even tho it hurts me still) and our relationship is on the rocks. The one thing I can say his that my dp is getting help and in my eyes that's a step forward but I don't think it will ever get better as he doesn't have the will power to change as we have tried all sorts. I can't really give you advice but what I am going to say is you are beautiful and you are probably wanted by many men and try and pick yourself up and have a good think, could you spend the rest of your life feeling the way that you do. Do you want your kids to see a happy mom or a zombie mom x

Pacha11 · 20/03/2017 08:17

Of course he is a fucking bastard - he has been stringing her along for 10 years, promising and not delivering, not even making an affort. What do you call this?

Original poster
FuzzyPeachandRainbowBrite · 20/03/2017 08:20

Gosh thank you so much for all of the comments. I really appreciate them. It helps to just 'talk' about it.

To answer a few questions.. I have directly confronted him and asked if he's gay or has a hidden fantasy a number of times. He says no and I do believe him as he just seems to have no desires. Also he has seen our counselor on his own a few times and I imagine this will have been covered off as a possibility.

I am absolutely not saying he's a bastard at all for have no sex drive. We all have the choice of course.. BUT I do feel incredibly hurt by his lack of willingness to actually acknowledge and be honest about it and the fact that he's not (able?) willing to try and help. He knows that if he did that I would have a more difficult choice to make.

As we stand I am constantly in this limbo of being told that we will have the relationship that I need. I've always been honest about my needs and I feel that he has not done the same.

As TheGoodEnoughWife says, it is made more hurtful by the dishonesty surrounding it.

OP posts:
Joey7t8 · 20/03/2017 08:22

disappearingfish I think I am the expert about how I feel after not ejaculating for 3 days.

There's also a big difference between low sex drive and what the OP is describing. Healthy men do not go for weeks, let alone years, without having orgasms. The OP's husband is either sorting himself out in secret, having extra marital sex, or he's got health issues that cause a very low testosterone level.

Original poster
FuzzyPeachandRainbowBrite · 20/03/2017 08:23

Obvlomov - good question... He is a warm person, as in if I went in for a hug he'll always respond with affection. He would never think to initiate any remotely sexual contact though. This is something we tried to work on in counseling as of course, it's more than just about actual penetrative sex.

OP posts:
Joey7t8 · 20/03/2017 08:24

I ought to add, whichever of the above the man's problem is, he's being incredibly selfish not adrressing it in 10 years.

ciele · 20/03/2017 08:25

Same story here. I have been married 26 years and it's got worse. No intimacy and often outright refusal to hold hand etc. Shit. But I do have a lot of good things in my marriage/family.
liveable with but sometimes soul destroying .

GloucestershireGuy · 20/03/2017 08:27

OP as someone who has been where you are, I repeat my much earlier posting. Please leave. He is using the carrot and stick method of emotional abuse - he dangles the carrot in front of you that you WILL get the relationship you need but then does not deliver. Of course not. He's happy with the way things are. This isn't something that's just happened the last few months but YEARS. You use the words "constantly in limbo". Note CONSTANTLY. This isn't a short term problem caused by stress at work or family problems or bereavement. He just doesn't want sex.

He's entitled to that. But he is NOT entitled to insist you can't have sex. He is NOT entitled to mess with your emotions by constantly promising something and then never delivering. And he will carry on doing this because it's been going on so long and he knows you'll just take it.

My ex partner did precisely the same things.

Oh, and as for the earlier poster who made some comment about "sickness and in health" and "wedding vows". There's also the one about "with my body I thee worship" but pick and choose the ones that work for you.

Gabilan · 20/03/2017 08:38

It really is very strange and not natural for a man to not want any sexual release at all, unless there are some health issues going on. I feel like exploding after 3+ days without ejaculating

Men with very low sex drives are within the realms of "normal". It's naturally occurring, just as wanting to have sex three times a day is also natural. It's not a one size fits all thing and you have to be severely lacking in imagination to assume that everyone is like you. There's no need to pathologise someone because they don't fit what you consider to be the template for the norm. The idea that all men must have sex with daily frequency and that if they don't they're lying or ill contributes to a culture in which everything is bent to heterosexual male desire.

Some men naturally aren't all that bothered.

OP I sympathise - it is the deception that would bother me. I can see how he would want to be in love and so would try to fake interest before marriage. But to continue that deception 10 years on sounds quite selfish. It does sound like you aren't compatible.

Whilst I would give the same advice to a man or woman, there is some difference here. As Joey's comment quoted above shows, it is deemed more socially acceptable for women not to want sex whereas if men don't they are sometimes labelled aberrant. It must be difficult for him too, but that doesn't really excuse the deception, IMO.

Screwinthetuna · 20/03/2017 08:40

Sorry op, it's not a nice way to live to feel unattractive and unwanted by the person who should make you feel the opposite.
Do you yeh to make advancements and he pushes you away? Does he perhaps have extreme insecurities? I agree with a previous poster that a healthy man cannot go 6 months without ejaculating, so he's either masturbating, having sex with someone else (highly unlinkely, op) or has a health issue. Is he on any medication?
I don't thinks it's fair at all for people to call him a bastard, he obviously has issues himself and nobody should feel forced to have sex.
I hope you find happiness, op Flowers

SheSaidHeSaid · 20/03/2017 08:41

Pacha that's a bit strong.

You don't know what's going on in his head, he might have the intention to make things better but because his drive is so low he never does.

You could argue that it's selfish that he hasn't made a real effort but I don't feel anyone, man or woman, should have sex with someone when they really don't want it because the other person wants it.

The kind thing for him to do would be to let her go.

FrankensteinsSister · 20/03/2017 08:58

Op, I haven't rest the thread, but I just had to reply and tell you I'm in almost the exact same situation, except only married for 4 years.
It is soul destroying.
I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I wish I had the answer! I feel like room mates with my DH.
Personally, and this may be the complete wrong approach for you, I'm asking him for permission to open up the marriage. I don't want to live a sexless life.
Finally, I started going to the gym again and watching my diet, and I feel so much better about myself quite apart from any external validation. Message me if you ever want.

Pacha11 · 20/03/2017 09:00

Please stop making all sorts of excuses for sane grown men. It's pathetic!

If I loved my wife so much but couldn't perform, I would get an arsenal of artificial dicks and make sure she is fully satified and happy with what I've got.

It's not fucking rocket science!

Yes, he is a bastard, a lying, possibly gay bastard. Or passive aggressive, but to be honest I would bet on gay based on the facts as presented by OP.

Pacha11 · 20/03/2017 09:07

I bet he is getting some gay romping on the side which leaves him fully satisfied and totally feckless about his wife.

Incidentally, I have been on both ends of this scenario and normally the reason they don't have sex with you because they don't fancy you. The answer always is ending the relationship (or becoming totally insane). You can't force people to have sex with you. And talking makes things worse.

dilapidated · 20/03/2017 09:11

I was with my exh for over 10 years and he never seemed to have the desire.

I left him eventually as I wanted children (he didn't seem bothered) and after a few years of agreeing to start a family we weren't having sex so it never happened.

It still wouldn't surprise me if someone told me he was gay now.

Fruitcocktail6 · 20/03/2017 09:15

He's not a bastard, that is unfair. Women post on MN all the time to say they don't want sex since the baby and the husband is unhappy and they get endless sympathy and understanding. What a double standard.

The problem here is the incompatibility in sex drive, not the husband being a bastard.

ciele · 20/03/2017 09:39

My husband is definitely passive aggressive. He used to promise and for about six months at a time things were OK. Then not. This went on for about ten years. I believed him and used to get incredibly upset. We split, got back together because he is a good father etc. And then I became disabled and now am very reliant on him financially. I've gone through menopause so not feeling as though I need sex as such but would kill for somebody to want me.
That sounds pathetic!

Pacha11 · 20/03/2017 09:47

ciele, it's not pathetic. It's a basic human need like hunger. What is pathetic is finding all sorts of excuses and guesses for the other party.

Regardless a man or a woman, everyone deserves love and sex in a marriage. If the other party is not happy about providing it, they should leave. Or make a fucking effort. It's inhumane to sleep next to an adult living breathing human being of the opposite sex who is there in your bed by their own accord, and not have sex for extended periods. It's a crime. It's abuse.

Joey7t8 · 20/03/2017 10:05

I'm with Pacha on this. Stop making excuses for this bloke. It's bloody pathetic (and unfair on the OP) that he won't address his low sex drive and can't muster up the effort to give her a good shag more than 2-3 times a year.

Original poster
FuzzyPeachandRainbowBrite · 20/03/2017 10:13

ciele - Flowers it's not pathetic, it's exactly how I feel.

Fruitcocktail - this issue isn't just the incompatibility, it's his failure to acknowledge it so that I can decide if I can live with it or not.

GloucestershireGuy - He just doesn't want sex. He's entitled to that. But he is NOT entitled to insist you can't have sex. He is NOT entitled to mess with your emotions by constantly promising something and then never delivering. And he will carry on doing this because it's been going on so long and he knows you'll just take it.

OP posts: