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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

173 replies

FuzzyPeachandRainbowBrite · 19/03/2017 23:24

I'm posting this here as I literally don't know where else to turn. I have this horrid dirty secret that I don't tell anyone. My marriage of 10 years is on the brink of collapse over it.

My husband doesn't fancy me. He is loyal, devoted, caring. He is a brilliant father, housemate, all round lovely bloke BUT he had a sex drive of zero.

Before we met, when it was with casual partners, he did have a healthy sex drive. Many partners. In fact he appeared very highly sexed on our first couple of dates. Since then it's been all downhill.

When we do do it, the sex is good. But left to him? It would honestly happen about twice a year.

I confronted him about 6 months into our relationship. I just said fairly matter of factly that I was really happy together but guess maybe he wasn't as he obviously didn't fancy me. He was at pains to tell me how much he did fancy me, the 'need' just kind of doesn't take him. He reassured me over and over that he would be more aware and not leave me feeling unwanted as that was far from the truth.

Well, 10 years on? Essentially the situation is identical. Actually it's not, it's much much worse. We have had counseling (he never ends of sticking to whatever he's promised to do), he's watched me sob every time it reaches a head about every 3 months and he's watched my body image and self confidence sink to the depths.

Yes I know, in a perfect world I'd maintain that without the approval of anyone, but honestly? Being sexually ignored for 10 years by the person who should cherish you most is just soul destroying.

I feel duped I suppose. Before we got married he always had a reason that he hadn't thought to notice me for months, too tired, work too busy, life got in the way. He didn't want it to be like this either, he'd try and notice me a bit. He pushed and pushed to promise me that this wasn't going to be the sexless relationship he knew I didn't want.

I've done all the counseling activities. I've done all of the 'encouraging'. I'm just bloody fed up. I feel lonely and dried up and so so sad. I'm fed up with fighting to have a sex life.

My friends and tv and films always talk about men and their pesky sex drives. I sit there in silence feeling like a sexless lump.

My options are, split up and break up our family (kids) OR stay and accept feeling like this forever. I can't fight any more I'm so tired and humiliated.

So. AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

OP posts:
GloucestershireGuy · 20/03/2017 13:57

ducks You've said it just there yourself. You were incompatible with your husband. Drives to fluctuate in relationships for lots of reasons, but clearly you were incompatible from the outset. You two probably shouldn't have got married. Of course you deserve a partner. You deserve a partner who wants the same things you want. You don't want sex - fine, you find a partner who feels the same.

feedingducks · 20/03/2017 14:07

Probably true guy am just trying to explain to the op. She isnt at all bu wanting sex but to expect someone with no drive is bu. It is a problem here. All I will finish with, before leaving this thread, is that he probably does think shes pretty etc. But to someone with no drive and keep being reminded of it, just makes us feel disgust at the other persons desperate need. There is nothing wrong with either, but either a comprimise or ending the relationships are the only outcome here. After 10 years waiting for him to change, waiting anymore time is a waste for her. Good luck though as it must be horrible to be unhappy.

Pacha11 · 20/03/2017 14:27

Now this where you are wrong! Sex drive cannot be controlled. We can only control how we respond to it. But when these hormones keep raging on and on and on... you become a right mess.

Pacha11 · 20/03/2017 14:28

And it's a need, physical need, just like hunger and sleep.

feedingducks · 20/03/2017 14:31

Pacha yes you cannot help having a sex drive but you can control it in the same way people who need to lose weight can diet. Though I'm not going to debate as off topic to the op, am aware other people see things through that lens.

feedingducks · 20/03/2017 14:32

And also sex with a partner is not the only way to satiate it the hormones are 'raging on and on' ?

GloucestershireGuy · 20/03/2017 14:35

So, pacha, how come you haven't called at least one female poster on this thread a bastard or the equivalent, or suggested that these women who don't desire sex are gay or romping on the side as you did about the OP's husband?

Pacha11 · 20/03/2017 14:41

feedingducks, I am amazed at how selfish you are. You claim you love your husband and in the same breath say how disgusting he is for wanting something completely natural and expected in a marriage: sex. Yes, he is disgusting for having raging hormones and you are not for not having them? Wipe that smugness off your face and help your loved one achieve satisfaction. There are million ways, it doesn't have to be penetration. You need to be willing and understanding of his needs. Aren't you a loving wife, his happiness should be one of your top priorities.

Pacha11 · 20/03/2017 14:42

Instead, critisising him and despising him for what mother nature gave him - a healthy libido. This is no love. This is a marriage of convenience.

Dothehokeykokey · 20/03/2017 14:44

To those quoting "in sickness and in health"

Personally I would say that emotionally there is a huge difference between having a partner who you know loves you but who can't have a physical relationship for physical reasons such as illness, and having a partner who appears to simply not find you attractive or to get any pleasure from sharing a physical relationship with you.

The first I could live with (and have in the past for 18 months). The second I can't and it's about to end our marriage.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/03/2017 14:45

Pacha11

You sound like a love struck teenager and your posts are like something out of a 1950s marriage guidance pamphlet.

Pacha11 · 20/03/2017 14:46

What's your point, Gloucester?

I'm replying to the facts as exposed in the thead. He is a bastard for stringing op for 10 years. Lying one who belongs in prison. 10 years of one's life they are never getting back. Lying and deceiving should be made a criminal offence.

Pacha11 · 20/03/2017 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

dilapidated · 20/03/2017 14:50

The comments about in sickness and in health are below the belt.

This is not a sickness situation and the way you are talking makes all the men and women out there who have left sexless marriages out to be the baddies

Dothehokeykokey · 20/03/2017 14:50

Pacha11 - your posts read like you REALLY need to get laid. Those hormones are a ragin'

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/03/2017 14:50

Well what charmer. Reported

Pacha11 · 20/03/2017 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WannaBe · 20/03/2017 14:57

I can only guess that Pacha11 is in a sexless relationship not because its partner has no sex drive but because no-one in their right mind would want to have sex with it. Surely?

tigerrun · 20/03/2017 14:58

Pacha, I'm preeetty sure that the reason people don't want to have sex with you is entirely different to the problems the OP is having so your blethering rants aren't really relevant are they?

I rather imagine Pacha that you are finding the time to write these posts in between staggering around with a can of special brew in the town centre loudly telling people your innermost thoughts, right in their faces with a bit of special brew spit, like a cross between Rab C Nesbitt and Father Jack, am I right?

GloucestershireGuy · 20/03/2017 15:00

Glad we really got Pacha to tell us what they really thought.

Roanoke · 20/03/2017 15:04

These threads are always baffling.

"My partner demands sex when I don't want it and I get upset." RAPIST!

"My partner doesn't seem to want sex as much as I do." They're a disgusting human being and should absolutely lie back and let you do whatever you want to them because that's what marriage is and your happiness doesn't matter.

Can't the answer just be - hey! Talk nicely about it, without accusations or raised voices or calling the other a 'sex-starved dog' or a 'frigid bitch', and try and get to the bottom of the issue?

And if there's no real bottom of the issue... then fuckit, people gotta start looking into open relationships or something. We're all living too long. Marriage made sense when you died at 46. Now? I don't think either having sex with one person for 60 years is realistic, and nor is not having any sex at all for 60 years realistic. Longevity has changed the rules of the game, and it's up to individual couples to draw their own lines.

WannaBe · 20/03/2017 15:08

IMO there is no right or wrong here really. Reality is that you have incompatible sex drives, but society doesn't accept that men have a right to a low sex drive as well as women and therefore it sounds likely to me that your DH wants to sort things but doesn't know how because he can't admit that he just isn't interested in sex, because society frowns on that in men, as is evident in some of the Hmm responses on this thread...

I must say that I am a bit Hmm about the fact that if a woman posts that she has a low sex drive people are sympathetic, tell her that it's completely normal and how dare her husband expect to have sex with her. Whereas if a man posts the same or a woman posts that her DH has no sex drive people tell her to leave or that he should visit the GP.

Sex is a normal part of any relationship, and I actually think that while no-one should have to have sex, if sex drives are so completely mismatched the couple should at least try to find some middle ground, and at the very least be able to communicate their feelings (on both sides). And I say that regardless of whether it's the man or the woman with the low sex drive. Sex brings a closeness with it which isn't part of the rest of the relationship. If you're only having sex once a year then you're never going to have comfortable sex iyswim, and things are never going to improve.

I absolutely don't think that the OP is wrong for potentially wanting to leave her dh, and I equally (controversially) don't judge someone who ends up having an affair due to no sex where the party with a low sex drive refuses to discuss.

OP, other than seeking promises of change, have you spoken to him about how you actually feel? Have you told him that you've considered leaving or going elsewhere? He may feel enabled to keep up a low sex drive because he knows the OP loves him, and because he doesn't feel the need for sex, he doesn't see the rejection from the OP's point of view and couldn't invisage her leaving....

iloveuihateu · 20/03/2017 15:58

Gloucestershire...we didn't have a religious ceremony so it didn't contain 'with my body I worship' or whatever.

Even if it did...it's not that I have a sex drive and am holding out based on some kind of spite. I just have no sex drive whatsoever so what am I supposed to do about that?

I've had all the usual checks at the GP (thyroid, etc) and they have come back normal. I have no past sexual abuse history or anything similar to 'deal with', it seems purely biological so counselling isn't a route that would help.

I have bipolar disorder so can't stop anti-depressants. I've tried a number before this that didn't work at all, my psychiatrist has advised me fairly strongly against changing as I am considered high risk of a relapse while coming off the current meds to change to new ones which may or may not work. I'm the main breadwinner so me having a full on breakdown would be much more serious than the lack of sex (we'd be homeless).

I have spoken to DH, of course he would like sex more often but says he understands. I'm very affectionate and we are very touchy feely as a couple so it's not a cold relationship. I'm sure he is frustrated but what am I supposed to do?

Huskylover1 · 20/03/2017 16:21

Feedingducks You need to explore why your self worth is dependent on having sex..it's not that important surely?

The thing is, if you've never had a high sex drive, you just don't get it. Imagine a man posting about PMT and saying "pah, how bad can it be, it's not that bad surely?*

I am female, and if I get to the two week mark without sex, quite honestly I feel miserable, moody, irritated and generally awful. If I am ovulating, I know I can be quite predatory, but that's natures way isn't it? Someone telling me to switch off or ignore these desires, may as well be talking to the wall. How would you do that? Take a magic pill?

Anyway, my advice to Op would be to tell DH you can't continue like this, and tell him that in light of there being no improvements in 10 years, that you feel entitled to explore a FWB situation. I am really hoping that this will give him the jolt he needs to change. At the moment you must feel like someone who is on a diet and has to sleep next to cream cakes & pizza Sad Crap all round.

HelenaDove · 20/03/2017 16:22

In my case it used to bother me. It doesnt any more.

I really do NOT want to enter a dating pool where women are expected to shave off their pubic hair and expected to have anal sex. Or women are expected to put up with their partners going to strip joints and/or their partners having private dances while all the while the partner insists it isnt cheating. I dont want to be part of a sexual world where all this is the norm.

Im much better off as and where i am.