AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

[FuzzyPeachandRainbowBrite]

I'm posting this here as I literally don't know where else to turn. I have this horrid dirty secret that I don't tell anyone. My marriage of 10 years is on the brink of collapse over it.

My husband doesn't fancy me. He is loyal, devoted, caring. He is a brilliant father, housemate, all round lovely bloke BUT he had a sex drive of zero.

Before we met, when it was with casual partners, he did have a healthy sex drive. Many partners. In fact he appeared very highly sexed on our first couple of dates. Since then it's been all downhill.

When we do do it, the sex is good. But left to him? It would honestly happen about twice a year.

I confronted him about 6 months into our relationship. I just said fairly matter of factly that I was really happy together but guess maybe he wasn't as he obviously didn't fancy me. He was at pains to tell me how much he did fancy me, the 'need' just kind of doesn't take him. He reassured me over and over that he would be more aware and not leave me feeling unwanted as that was far from the truth.

Well, 10 years on? Essentially the situation is identical. Actually it's not, it's much much worse. We have had counseling (he never ends of sticking to whatever he's promised to do), he's watched me sob every time it reaches a head about every 3 months and he's watched my body image and self confidence sink to the depths.

Yes I know, in a perfect world I'd maintain that without the approval of anyone, but honestly? Being sexually ignored for 10 years by the person who should cherish you most is just soul destroying.

I feel duped I suppose. Before we got married he always had a reason that he hadn't thought to notice me for months, too tired, work too busy, life got in the way. He didn't want it to be like this either, he'd try and notice me a bit. He pushed and pushed to promise me that this wasn't going to be the sexless relationship he knew I didn't want.

I've done all the counseling activities. I've done all of the 'encouraging'. I'm just bloody fed up. I feel lonely and dried up and so so sad. I'm fed up with fighting to have a sex life.

My friends and tv and films always talk about men and their pesky sex drives. I sit there in silence feeling like a sexless lump.

My options are, split up and break up our family (kids) OR stay and accept feeling like this forever. I can't fight any more I'm so tired and humiliated.

So. AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

GreatFuckability yes.
If this was a woman they certainly would not be called a bastard or told they shouldn't get married

indeed kali....what an awful thing to say.

not what you said Kali, what the PP said, just to clarify haha

Your not the problem, he is.

This is unfair IMO. Lots of people have a low sex drive - that doesn't make them wrong or the problem or not marriage material. It sounds like you are incompatible in this specific area. It can't be easy for him either - that he loves you and wants to be your husband but doesn't have it in him to change this aspect of himself. Hinging your self-esteem on his desire to have sex will certainly be relationship killing eventually. You either accept this about him or you don't. If you can see your partner for all the other wonderful qualities he possesses and choose him as is than your marriage could conceivably thrive. If you cannot than its hard to imagine it working long-term.

You are not the problem true, but really he isn't either. If 10 years of marriage has taught me anything it's that it's really, really hard to have sex when you just don't feel like it even if you love your partner and cherish the relationship.

He doesn't fancy you (or he isn't sexual at all). And he's been dishonest with you all these years by continually promising that things would change (and they never did).

You don't have a marriage. You do have one single, precious life. Leave.

ok, well, I can only speak for myself, but I consider myself to be asexual. This is only a 'thing' i learned in recent times, before that I always knew I fancied partners/boyfriends/people but ve never had a huge urge for sex. The odd occasions I do want it, I enjoy it well enough, but I don't NEED it the way most other people seem too. I always thought it was me, that I needed to try harder, or that I wasn't with the right person or whatever other excuses I made to myself. I had a 10 year relationship, and whilst it wasn't the only reason it ended, it was a factor. He also thought I didn't fancy him, or want him. But that wasn't true. I loved him, I fancied him, I loved being with him, I love cuddling and being close. I just don't love sex.
I never set out to lie to anyone, I just thought that because I loved him and wanted to be with him, I could make it work on the sex front. but its just not possible to keep that up forever, however much I wish I could have and wished I was different.
Now I accept that I am who I am, and I know its not because there is something wrong with me.
so, i guess what i'm saying is, I can understand why this might be it for you OP, but from the otherside, I'm sure he has not deliberately set out to hurt you, not does it mean he doesn't fancy you.

If a woman came on here and said ' my wife won't have sex with me .. she always promises she will more and then doesn't and I've cried about her not having sex with me' the OP would've been demonised.
Some of us aren't fussed

Or it takes a lot to get us going and especially if you're waiting for him to initiate it will happen infrequently

Bloody hell a man * not a woman

You aren't wrong to leave him over it, and he isn't wrong to not want sex. He WBU to keep you stringing along with promises that things would improve, but it's not something you can change or that he can make up for, and with the way Our society pressures people, especially men, he may well have believed it himself for years. But move on now OP you know it isn't going to get better and you know it's destroying your self confidence.

My dad was never interested in having sex with my mom. She craved affection of any kind, and he wouldn't give it. She was desperately unhappy and DSis and I urged her to leave him for years. We wanted our mom to be happy. She never left though, and died unhappy and unfulfilled. I so wish she had left him and found someone who really wanted her and wanted to make her happy .

Lots of people aren't bothered about sex, it's perfectly normal. I agree it's ridiculous to suggest that if you aren't bothered about sex you shouldn't get married . OP I wouldn't give up on the marriage and break up the family for this. Your marriage vows are for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

Marriage vows...yes a person should live a miserable and unfulfilled existence for 50 plus years of their life because of a couple of sentences spoken on one particular day

If it's not ok to suggest someone who doesn't want sex shouldn't get married, then it's also not ok to suggest that someone who does want it and isn't getting it should stay married!

I agree it's ridiculous to suggest that if you aren't bothered about sex you shouldn't get married.

As long as you are upfront about the fact that you will very rarely want sex, and that will not change.

YANBU. I feel for you and can relate. It's horrible to feel so unwanted by the person who should want you most.

When I met my husband we had amazing frequent sex for the first six months, then it tailed off... more and more... til for the last few years, if I didn't initiate it then it would just never happen. He has a low sex drive. He assures me he thinks I'm beautiful, loves me etc, and he is very affectionate and caring, he just doesn't get that urge or act on it.

For years it really impacted my self esteem. Yet because I love him and so much of our relationship is great (all the rest of it, actually), I couldn't imagine ending all of that just because of sex. Yet sex is of course important.

Try reading Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. I found this really helpful in understanding how love and desire often don't go hand in hand at all, and sex/sexual urges within the context of a marriage can be so different.

Also, it's obviously not for everyone, and not ideal, but where there is a marriage with love, but with zero sex, sometimes it can work (with consent) to meet sexual needs outside of the marriage, if he doesn't want to meet them himself, and if you don't want to leave him.

I really feel for you and have been there in a previous relationship.

Yes, he can choose to have little sex, and yes, he can still be married but what is unacceptable is him promising things will change and then they don't. Maybe he is incapable of change and that is okay too but you should have the choice as to whether you accept the situation as it truly is or not.

It is the dishonesty that will break this marriage up not the actual lack of sex.

You have needs that are not being met in this marriage and I urge you to really consider breaking up and finding someone who does want to have sex with you. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled and for me the fact that he has been happy to make empty promises to keep you hanging on in the hope of an improvement would be the end. That is really unfair of him.

Honestly? If you love him and don't want to break up the family I would have a discreet and trustworthy FWB.

Sorry, that is probably terrible advice.

I am in the same position OP. DH has always had a lower libido than me, though I'm in no way a raging sex addict thank fuck
We're on a last ditch attempt with increased exercise, reduced alcohol and more early nights before he trots off to the GP again (he's mortified by the prospect so is doing anything he thinks might solve the issue without a visit)
In all honesty I couldn't break up the relationship, not least because DS is old enough to question why.
These type of threads are always the polar opposite of what would happen if a man wrote that his wife didn't want sex often enough for him, and that always makes me feel a bit
For now I'm trying to encourage DH to do "other things" to please me, and there is certainly no lack of affection in our relationship which certainly helps. I would however be lying if I I said I wouldn't consider leaving if,
A- DS was young enough not to ask why
B- There was no physical affection of any kind
C- DH didn't want to make any effort to solve the problem

Who knows what the future will bring, but there's no doubt it's a huge taboo to live with

I was quite relieved to get to the second page and discover that I wasn't the only woman who is quite frankly not fussed about having sex.
When I met DH it was all new and exciting and we were married for a few years before the kids came along so were "at it like rabbits" but these days I'd rather read a book or watch a film.
However, because I know that it is really important to him I initiate sex twice a week, every week. I'm afraid as far as I'm concerned it is just another chore.... but one that needs to be done if we are going to stay married. And as we are completely compatible in every other way (and I do enjoy it - I just don't need it to feel fulfilled) it's worth making the effort.
But if this marriage ended (through divorce or death) than I wouldn't seek another partner.
So really, OP, you need to make it clear to him that he has to make an effort - seek conselling, get viagra, whatever....if he wants your marriage to continue. Good luck.

Honestly? If you love him and don't want to break up the family I would have a discreet and trustworthy FWB.

I don't think that this is bad advice if you really do want to stay together. Anoth r alternative to splitting up would be to tell him that you want an open relationship.

It really is very strange and not natural for a man to not want any sexual release at all, unless there are some health issues going on. I feel like exploding after 3+ days without ejaculating.

He's never going to change so the best thing to do would be to divorce him.

You've given it 10 years, he's said he'll change & he hasn't. I can't see what else you can do other than end it. You've really tried. I don't see the point in a sexless marriage, you may as well be flat mates.

Could your husband possibly be gay? It is not uncommon for men to suppress their feelings if they have been brought up to consider them wrong. He may not even acknowledge it to himself.

You and he could consider coming to an open arrangement where you are able to have sex with others. If it's not important to him, it shouldn't be, to him, this major sacred huge big deal that you can only do with him. After all if it's something that doesn't matter to him, no loss to him if you have a fwb. You should not buy into the message that your worth is based on your sex appeal either.