AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

[FuzzyPeachandRainbowBrite]

I'm posting this here as I literally don't know where else to turn. I have this horrid dirty secret that I don't tell anyone. My marriage of 10 years is on the brink of collapse over it.

My husband doesn't fancy me. He is loyal, devoted, caring. He is a brilliant father, housemate, all round lovely bloke BUT he had a sex drive of zero.

Before we met, when it was with casual partners, he did have a healthy sex drive. Many partners. In fact he appeared very highly sexed on our first couple of dates. Since then it's been all downhill.

When we do do it, the sex is good. But left to him? It would honestly happen about twice a year.

I confronted him about 6 months into our relationship. I just said fairly matter of factly that I was really happy together but guess maybe he wasn't as he obviously didn't fancy me. He was at pains to tell me how much he did fancy me, the 'need' just kind of doesn't take him. He reassured me over and over that he would be more aware and not leave me feeling unwanted as that was far from the truth.

Well, 10 years on? Essentially the situation is identical. Actually it's not, it's much much worse. We have had counseling (he never ends of sticking to whatever he's promised to do), he's watched me sob every time it reaches a head about every 3 months and he's watched my body image and self confidence sink to the depths.

Yes I know, in a perfect world I'd maintain that without the approval of anyone, but honestly? Being sexually ignored for 10 years by the person who should cherish you most is just soul destroying.

I feel duped I suppose. Before we got married he always had a reason that he hadn't thought to notice me for months, too tired, work too busy, life got in the way. He didn't want it to be like this either, he'd try and notice me a bit. He pushed and pushed to promise me that this wasn't going to be the sexless relationship he knew I didn't want.

I've done all the counseling activities. I've done all of the 'encouraging'. I'm just bloody fed up. I feel lonely and dried up and so so sad. I'm fed up with fighting to have a sex life.

My friends and tv and films always talk about men and their pesky sex drives. I sit there in silence feeling like a sexless lump.

My options are, split up and break up our family (kids) OR stay and accept feeling like this forever. I can't fight any more I'm so tired and humiliated.

So. AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

Would he be open to opening the marriage up if you won't leave him? Get a fwb?

It's risky but some can make it work.

Or even suggesting it could bring things to a head. Sexual incompatibility suffocates a marriage eventually.

I think OP if I had my time again I would leave. If you can wait it out it becomes a platonic relationship based on mutual history/family and knowing he won't change. That's ok but not what I would have chosen. I would have preferred to know I had tried to have a stab at a loving marriage even though my head tells me these are not easy to come by.

pacha and joey not having a sex drive doesn't make you abnormal or pathetic. you can't make someone desire something they just don't. No amount of trying would make a straight person want sex with a person of the same sex, or a gay person with someone of the same sex. Asexuality is the same.

fuzzy You totally do deserve the sex life you want though, it just appears that it isn't going to be with him. Again, just my own experience talking, I wished I could have changed myself, but i can't anymore than you can change the the fact you desire it. It may just be you have to accept you are not compatible in this way.
FWIW, I think the whole FWB thing can work.

I think there is a big difference between considering yourself asexual and having a sex drive that disappears. My DH had the latter. It was frustrating and upsetting because I did feel unwanted. It got worse when we TTC'd without success. Investigations showed he actually had a medical condition that caused a hormonal imbalance. He started treatment and the sex drive came back. I do think if sex drive has disappeared it's worth investigating. Hoewever OP I can understand why you're so hurt and I get why you may feel like you can't carry on like this.

really is very strange and not natural for a man to not want any sexual release at all
he's gay
Seriously he has a low sex drive! Doesn't make him gay or strange!
joey you don't speak for all of mankind.
Pacha11 your comments are just nasty. If this was a woman would you be making such offensive remarks?
'Everyone deserves sex in a marriage'
So what about if one person is ill then?
I suppose the other person should leave based on your vile remarks
Thankgod the op is more balanced than you

What do you want op? Is sex more important to you?
It seems like it won't change, even if he has tried.
Do you love him more?
It's ok no matter what you decide.
It ok for him to have a lowsex drive and it's ok for you not to be happy with that.

pacha

So are you going to say the same things you have said here next thread there is about a woman who has little or no sex drive?

You going to suggest they are gay and away 'romping' on the side.

Such a narrow, blinkered view on life.

Let him know you love him and want to stay with him but you are not prepared to be sexless and will be finding someone else to have sex with. Believe me this will bring things to a head and let you know where you stand.

I remember my husband telling me I could have an affair. That was very hurtful. But these things can be a short term fix

Fruitcocktail - this issue isn't just the incompatibility, it's his failure to acknowledge it so that I can decide if I can live with it or not.'

In that case you need to make that decision, whether he will acknowledge it or not. You can't wait around forever.

ciele yes i think saying you will find someone to have sex with will show how serious it is, but may not have the desired effect.
It may just hurt him and make the problem worse.
Has he seen a gp op?

I never feel inclined to say "what if the shoe was on the other foot" "what about the menz" etc on mn, even when others are saying it.

But on this one i really think a female partner would not be called the equivalent of a fucking bastard for not wanting sex.

I do agree that the failure to acknowledge is bad. But I feel there are lots of reasons why that could be (might not be of course) and that a female who was in the same position would be given more understanding.

Male OPs in the OP's shoes have of course also been told it's fine to leave, even advised to do so as this OP broadly has been.

blackteasplease when men have posted about this subject they're told they're selfish, why are they not doing more around the house and that their wife doesn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to
As this is a guy he's been told he's a fucking bastard, selfish, gay, has a fetish and is weird
It's disgusting.
This is not a dig at the op in any way, it's how disgusting other posters have been towards her husband.

Your DH sounds like me.

I love my DH, I adore him, he means the world to me. I just don't want sex.

I used to have a sex drive when I was younger but now....nothing. I have no sex drive at all but I'm definitely not asexual.

I think having no sex drive is more common than people seem to think...I blame mine on my anti-depressants but I don't actually know if they're the cause.

It would break my heart if DH left me because I don't want to have sex

What happened to 'in sickness and in health' etc?

I think it's disgusting to call OP's husband names when he sounds like he loves her and is a good husband - he just has no sex drive and he doesn't know how to address it. How is he going to have sex when he doesn't want to?!

The OP doesn't want him to feel like he has to have sex because if he doesn't he's a "bastard", she wants him to do it because he fancies her and wants to do it.

If there is no underlying medical issue I think you'll have to end it OP. I'm sorry you're in this situation through no fault of your own

iloveuihateu Oddly enough, someone else said that about two pages back. I replied "what about 'with my body I thee worship'"? but no one picked up on that. Perhaps you might like to? Or is it a case of you pick and choose the vows that you should keep but forget about the others?

iloveuihateu You say you think your lack of sex drive may be down to anti-depressants. Some can have that side effect. Have you tried other medication? Have you looked into this? Do you know how your DH feels about it? Have you discussed it with him? Do you care if he feels unloved as a result?

It's not just the one thing, you see.

How would he feel about you getting feel about you getting sex else where?

Of you chose to Kent him over this, know that your kids would witness you choosing happiness, which is a really positive bit of parenting.

Kent? Where did the south coastcome into this?
I meant leave.

Awaiting pacha and joey to come and call a female poster awful names in the interests of gender fairness and equality.....

Sorry iloveu if my posts seemed antagonistic, that was not my intent.

I don't understand why people see sex as so important in relationships, the other strengths of your dh are loving in themselves. I think you need to look into why sex is such an issue. Honestly I never want sex again, I dont miss it or want it. Is sex and having someone so important to people really? You sound as though your relationship is strong in every other way. Would leaving that just to get sex be any better? You would lose what you have now. You need to explore why your self worth is dependent on having sex..it's not that important surely?

Ducks That's fine for you. It clearly isn't fine for the OP as it wasn't for me. Because, well, for a lot of us, sex is the glue that binds you together and makes you a couple/partners rather than roomates. I have lots of friends. I'd like a partner. Sex is part of that. I also have to say to say to anyone who has lain next to their partner for years every single night without any physical contact is soul destroying and kills your self esteem and confidence. You wonder what is wrong with you, are you so hideous that the person that supposedly loves you and is supposed to desire you can't contemplate a natural act with you?

It's fine not to understand why people see sex as so important but it basically means you fail to understand the majority of the human species.

Is it really most people? As the ops husband thinks like me. I was married to a man who would want it every day. If i said at night that we only did it in the morning he would say ' well i had breakfast this morning, doesnt mean i dont want dinner tonight'. I dreaded getting in bed, there is nothing worse than someone always going on about sex, it doesnt mean people like me dont love you or are attracted to you, it just means sex to them is not such a desperate need...it is like a huge hunger for food that seems never to be satisfied. You do it but then once you have the partner is wanting it again, and again, and again...to the people with very high sex drives, is it fair to expect the one who hates it to have to do it...why would you want sex with a partner that doesn't? Sex drive can be controlled, it isn't a need like thirst of hunger. I get that some people can't live without sex but I just don't get it..and shouldn't be expected to. Does that mean I don't deserve a partner? No, but I will have to find a compatible one. For me my children and family etc are what i focus on and are more important than sex. It depends on what the op wants as unfortunately she isnt happy. It isnt going to improve things by keep talking about how it makes her feel as he cant help how he is and is unlikely to change, she knows this. Op hope you get the outcome you want even if it means leaving and meeting someone more compatible sexually x