AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

[FuzzyPeachandRainbowBrite]

I'm posting this here as I literally don't know where else to turn. I have this horrid dirty secret that I don't tell anyone. My marriage of 10 years is on the brink of collapse over it.

My husband doesn't fancy me. He is loyal, devoted, caring. He is a brilliant father, housemate, all round lovely bloke BUT he had a sex drive of zero.

Before we met, when it was with casual partners, he did have a healthy sex drive. Many partners. In fact he appeared very highly sexed on our first couple of dates. Since then it's been all downhill.

When we do do it, the sex is good. But left to him? It would honestly happen about twice a year.

I confronted him about 6 months into our relationship. I just said fairly matter of factly that I was really happy together but guess maybe he wasn't as he obviously didn't fancy me. He was at pains to tell me how much he did fancy me, the 'need' just kind of doesn't take him. He reassured me over and over that he would be more aware and not leave me feeling unwanted as that was far from the truth.

Well, 10 years on? Essentially the situation is identical. Actually it's not, it's much much worse. We have had counseling (he never ends of sticking to whatever he's promised to do), he's watched me sob every time it reaches a head about every 3 months and he's watched my body image and self confidence sink to the depths.

Yes I know, in a perfect world I'd maintain that without the approval of anyone, but honestly? Being sexually ignored for 10 years by the person who should cherish you most is just soul destroying.

I feel duped I suppose. Before we got married he always had a reason that he hadn't thought to notice me for months, too tired, work too busy, life got in the way. He didn't want it to be like this either, he'd try and notice me a bit. He pushed and pushed to promise me that this wasn't going to be the sexless relationship he knew I didn't want.

I've done all the counseling activities. I've done all of the 'encouraging'. I'm just bloody fed up. I feel lonely and dried up and so so sad. I'm fed up with fighting to have a sex life.

My friends and tv and films always talk about men and their pesky sex drives. I sit there in silence feeling like a sexless lump.

My options are, split up and break up our family (kids) OR stay and accept feeling like this forever. I can't fight any more I'm so tired and humiliated.

So. AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

He's always been this way OP, clearly it was wrong of him to make you promises but similarly you probably should have realised after they failed to materialise the first time. You now have two options; accept it and live this way forever, or end it

I've started my own thread about my situation as I don't want to derail OPs thread.

I guess my point is:

(a) Nothing in your OP suggests that your DH doesn't love you or find you attractive, that's just the way you are interpreting his low libido

(b) He should go to the GP and rule out any medical causes like depression, etc

(c) However just because medical reasons are ruled out doesn't mean it's his fault...sex drives can change

(d) Think long and hard before leaving if it's based on this one thing alone. What if you find sex but don't find the trust/friendship/loyalty/partnership that you have now...will you be happier? In my single days (when I had a sex drive!) I found good sex/spark and lovely, caring, loyal men but rarely (if ever) found the two together

(e) I don't really believe this is about sex as much as it is about feeling wanted, desired and attractive. Are there ways your partner could make you feel those things without sex? Massages? Flowers? Wined and dined? Affection? Compliments? Could you talk to your partner about these? I agree with PP that you need to be very clear to him that if things don't change you will leave...if you leave without that sort of conversation you're not really being fair IMO, at least give him the chance to realise how close to separation he is...

I do think that often it has more to do with the need to feel desired/wanted etc rather than the need for sex per se. Within the confines of a loving relationship sex is an affirmation of all the feelings a couple have for one another. Constant rejection will ultimately end up feeling like actual rejection, and this is why people are often so miserable in sexless relationships and don't seek sex elsewhere, because it's not about the physicality of sex but the meaning of it.

Conversely however I think that being the one with a lower sex drive can feel as if you are merely an object as it will seem the one with the higher sex drive is constantly wanting sex, even if it isn't constant it can feel like it if you never crave sex and they want it four times a week, iyswim.

DH and I have been together since we were 21 - we're now 27. No DC. We had a very, ahem, athletic sex life when we were long distance and only saw each other at weekends. We moved in together after a year and it became less frequent but not worryingly so.

We haven't had sex at all in over two years now. He insists that he loves me and fancies me, he tells me that I look beautiful or sexy or "hot" but he just doesn't seem to have any sex drive at all. It's soul destroying and in my darkest moments, I wholeheartedly resent him for robbing me of my twenties, the years that I should be shagging the night away.

I've grown my hair, I've lost some weight, I've stopped wearing the thick liquid eyeliner that he hates and I wear the lipstick that he loves.

Nothing changes.

Thats because its not you amusedbush. I lost ten stone.

Its not you.

I could not sleep with him next to me and so now, apart from guests/holidays we have our own bedrooms. I now don't want sex with him at all. But as people have said if the affection is there it is not so bad.
In our younger days I didn't understand and took it personally. I suppose I still do.
The ideal marriage is not something I have seen many people achieve.
It's sad but lots of life is sad and much worse.
Ps. I wish I was more optimistic.

I'm in a similar situation it's shit. I was left feeling undesirable and horrible. It's robbed me of a chance for a second child. To the outside world we have a wonderful marriage. I have suspicions he's gay (he's experimented in the past). My solution is a very highly sexed FWB until I work out exactly what to do

I'm glad pacha has told us how us wives should act have we stepped back a few decades?

Sorry glou you fail to understand the majority of human species'
I don't think sex is the most important thing, neither does my dh.
I don't think the op is wrong at all, but i think your statement is.
Sex is not the most important thing to everybody.

Youre right husky I dont get it and to be so in need of something which isnt necessary for survival must be dreadfully hard. Just out of interest-because I really really dont understand it-are you not ashamed of how out of control you are? Like the animal urge of it all..because thats how it seems to me as someone with no drive-as people with no control over themselves? No offence intended at all just trying to understand. Although I also dont get the comparison to pmt (although i dont get that eithrr, maybe ive not got many hormones)

OP I think you're me in the future. I've thought often posting here about it, but I didn't really want the answer.
I'm late twenties and have been with wonderful DP for 4 1/2 years. We had about 6 very active months at the beginning and then it rapidly declined. We were down to 4/5 time a year a couple of years ago, with work were up to maybe once every 6-8 weeks with a lot of effort (from me). We're very affectionate, lots of kissing and cuddling, I know fancies me but just doesn't need much. I think he masturbates maybe once a week/2 weeks but that's more about release than sex. He says he just doesn't need very much, but I also know he feel anxious about it now it's been an issue for a long time. I've tried to be understanding but it is hurtful. I'd have sex 3-4 times a week if I could. He won't go to therapy or the doctor, I've begged. I had a very active and adventurous sex life before, I do feel like I've lost a part of myself.

I've gone round and round with whether to leave, and have decided not to. In every other way he's the perfect partner and I know long term I'll value his support and kindness over sex, and with communication things are better than they were. He's certainly not asexual, a bastard or gay. He just has a very different needs level to my own.

Not sure why I've said all this, just wanted you to know you're not alone.
It sounds like your DH isn't as affectionate as he could be though, I think that makes as much difference as the sex or lack of.

Those of you in your twenties, you really need to be brave because you are facing a lifetime of misery.

it will never get better. If a man goes off sex with you it's very unlikely to return unless there is an underlying health issue which with men is often depression related but they won't seek help.

I dont get it and to be so in need of something which isnt necessary for survival must be dreadfully hard

It's not necessary for the survival of the individual but it is necessary for the survival of the species. For many people it is primal and strong. For others less so - but evolution thrives on variation.

True Gabilan though I've got my kids and finished my family so there is no reason whatsoever to have sex ever again and I feel quite relieved at that.

Feedingducks.

That is the sort of thing my wife would say, and tbh I feel sorry for you as it's very depressing.

Assuming you are married or in a relationship I also feel sorry for your partner.

I loving sexual relationship should be fun, passionate, rewarding, exciting and should draw a couple closer together.

Someone who sees sex only as a way to procreate is missing out massively.

Isn't sex for fun one of the things that separates humans from other animals?

Hi Do, not in a relationship at all, wouldn't expect to be in one either. The thought of online dating and being expected to be all the things you describe actually make me cringe. I don't feel I'm missing out at all. I feel bad for you as it must be hard being in a relationship with someone like me but I am happy as I am and have no desire to change.

OP, I'm so sorry to have read your post. I've been in a similar position for the last 10 years. Most people think our marriage is wonderful. Our ILs were with us over the weekend, and my MIL was asking how we were planning to celebrate our 20 year anniversary and I just wanted to cry. I'm currently actively planning on leaving - I just can't take it any more. DH is in other ways a lovely man but this issue has gradually eaten away at me - it has crushed my self confidence and feeling of being desirable, and left me feeling bitter, resentful and miserable, which is awful. The turning point came when I had a harmless but pleasantly flirty message from an old friend and it made me realise that I was still desirable and my life is whizzing by. I have never discussed it with a living soul outside our marriage, even my best friend thinks we are happy.

Just to say that this happened to a friend about few years back and it broke their relationship although it turned out that the reason for the low sex drive and him not being able to discuss it was childhood sexual abuse.

Just flagging that up as a possible issue for other men with low sex drives or them not able to engage on that level.

feedingducks

It sounds as though you could be asexual. I once knew an asexual guy and the word "disgust" came up with him too, i.e. he found the idea of sex and those who want it to be disgusting. He was attracted to women though, and he wanted the companionship of relationship.

Having a low sex drive is one thing. Being sanctimonious about how "disgusting" a totally normal urge is is a totally different thing altogether. It's not normal to have that level of revulsion towards sexual feelings (whatever "normal" might be). People aren't animals, they aren't out of control just because they want to have sex with someone and your language around the subject makes me very uncomfortable.

Im really not being sanctimonious at all. I dont know why i make you feel uncomfortable. It is not peoples drive which disgusts me, rather how they choose to act on it. I suppose in an odd way i feel superior to those who cant 'control' what they do, in an 'i dont need to do that to live'. Thats not being nasty just how i feel. Im not uncomfortable about your feelings and am entitled to my own. I was explaining to the op how her dh may feel thats all.

Op that's very difficult.

Either end the marriage or look elsewhere for sex with the knowledge of your dh. For some people this can work.

That superiority you feel is coming through your posts in waves though, that's what I meant. It doesn't make you superior.

If someone was pestering their partner for sex morning, noon and night, becoming nasty or violent then yes, that would be a disgusting way to behave. Trying to initiate sex after a long time without any is normal.

The last time I tried to initiate (almost three years ago), DH told me that I was "embarrassing both of us" and I've been too mortified to try again. He made me feel like shit and I do resent him for it.

Wanting to have sex regularly is not being out of control though and to suggest that someone with a high sex drive should be ashamed of themselves is sanctimonious. It is far less normal to have that attitude than it is to have a high sex drive.

You cant say that, you dont know how others feel. You are basing your argument around how you feel which is 'superior' in itself. Its normal to want it. Its normal to not want it. Why do my feelings bother you-is it because you are taking it personally as though ive directed my comments to you? As i havent at all. People dont disgust me, the act of sex does. Im not disgusted at anyone in this thread at all, just sex itself. And some people are not in control when they are aroused, their feelings are so strong they have to have sex. I can remove the urge and choose not to whereas others choose to carry on. There is research stating that sex itself is disgusting due to sharing of body fluids-you wouldnt want someone to wee on you for instance. It is arousal itself which makes sharing semen/vaginal secretions/saliva acceptable. I dont have arousal so it doesnt appeal to me. Just because you cant relate to that doesnt make me any worse than you, you probably dont hear about peoples feelings ie the op feels ashamed she isnt having sex. It is socially more acceptable for couples to have sex that is all. Therefore people are less inclined to discuss it.

And im sorry your dp said that to you, it was nasty. I wouldnt ever deliberately make someone feel like shit. You werent embarrasing yourself at all. He was by his choice of words which were used to shame you into leaving him alone.

No, you suggested a poster should be ashamed of themselves for wanting to have sex and that they are therefore out of control. We're not talking about a rapist here, we're talking about someone who wants to have a normal sexual relationship with their partner. There is nothing wrong with that. If it's not for you then it's very simple to avoid - you simply don't have a relationship.

However sex and the urge for sex is normal. Babies masturbate in utero. Your children likely masturbate, and when they grow up will go on to have sexual relationships, because that's what people do. You can't judge those people as being out of control just because they want to engage in a normal human function.

How are you going to deal with your children potentially wanting to talk to you about sex? If you tell them that it's disgusting you will be setting them up to feel shame over doing what most people do. This is how issues around sex arise.

Nobody should be ashamed for not having a sex drive but there is a vast difference between simply not wanting to have sex and being repulsed by it to the point you feel anyone wanting to have sex is out of control.