To think 41 is v v young for a granny??

[TinfoilHattie]

I'm 44. Recently I have been back in touch with some people I was at school with on Facebook - haven't seen these people for over 20 years, nearer 25 probably. I'm quite surprised at the number who are already grandparents - I saw a picture of a toddler on one of their FB pages, assumed it was their child but no, a grandchild having their third birthday. Granny is the same age as me.

My mum was 27 when she had me and became a grandparent at 58. My inlaws were the same age. My eldest is 14 and I am not expecting to be a granny much before I'm 60, so that's my "normal". Cannot imagine being a granny by 41 and may be a bit unreasonable thinking it's nothing to aspire to?

agree armpitz I'm also pissed off at the amount of people here who are justifying having their kids so young by saying 'but I didn't claim a single benefit' - implying that those of us who did are somehow lesser than everyone else and don't have any aspirations. Good for anyone if they want to go to college/Uni/get a degree. Don't start making out that those of us how haven't and have also shock horror had to claim benefits while raising our kids aren't as good.

I was just 21 so guess I avoid little frogs predictions for a life of drudgery

Childcare was mentioned lower down the thread. If two parents work part time or reduced hours it's possible to get by without paid childcare. We used three hours of nursery four days a week for the overlap of our jobs. That was with dh working full time in fact. It was doable. Never had any family nearby either.

There seems to be a theme of younger parents having children who go on to be younger parents. I wonder if the opposite is true?

It is. You're more likely to have your first child at the same age your mother had her first child.

hold I don't think it's that. I think its because he teen / young mums are always having to defend ourselves against the people who judge / mock us.

It's fine to think very young parenthood isn't a great thing, but it's shitty to stigmatise young parents after the fact. Having kids in your forties isn't ideal, becoming a grandparent in your 70/80s isn't either. But life happens and we should be judged on how we deal with life events, rather than what didn't go exactly right according to some middle class ideal.

My mum felt old at 26 when I was born in the 80s. I felt young at 27. Both my grandmothers were pregnant teenage brides. My parents were younger kids so my grandparents were old when I was born but would've been grandparents in their 30s. It was normal to marry at 18 and have kids. It's a social expectation that has changed, not biology or emotion - some people want babies young even if it's not my preference.

Despite not being young I have been mistaken as being much younger and it's not a great reaction. It does feel like I'm in parental age no mans land despite being band on average age - mums are either a lot older or a lot younger than me.

My mother was married and became pregnant aged 17 with my older sister in 1937. Then sister got married and had a baby when she was 18. So mum was a grandmother age 35.

"It is. You're more likely to have your first child at the same age your mother had her first child."

Interestingly, because I had older parents I was determined to complete my family by the age of 30. Unfortunately infertility put paid to that and I ended up being older than my mother was when I was born. She was just 40 when she had me, and I was nearly 42 when I had DD.

notgiving I agree that teen mums get a hard time, as do single mothers. People like littlefrog are so ignorant. My nan was 17 when she had my mum, her & my grandad had a bloody lovely life. He was a shop steward in a factory, when it closed he was blacklisted because he stuck up for the rights of workers. So he brought a set of ladders and became a window cleaner. My nan has played the piano in pubs in London all her life (up until 6 months ago she was still working at 91). They used to go on holiday in this country and abroad. My grandad used to take my mum to the football every Saturday and they had a wonderful social life and met many, many people through my nan playing the piano in pubs. Honestly if I told my nan if she thought she'd had a life of drudgery because she had my mum at 17 she'd laugh like a drain. She's had a very good life, despite being a teen mum.

Oh, and I don't know if anyone here have heard of the Focus E15 mums - if you haven't, google them. Many of them are single mums/teen mums. And just look at what they have achieved in their campaign for better housing. And not a degree to their name.

The average age for a spinster to marry, and so start a family, in the late Nineteenth and early Twentieth centuries was 25. I don't know what proportion of children were born out of wedlock then, I guess the average could be adjusted down by one or two years. The average age of a new mother in 1950 was 22 and 1970 it was 23. If we broadly accept the daughter copies the mother then women became grandparents on average at 50, 44 and 46 in those periods.
There was a spike of teenage pregnancies in the 1980s, which could account for so many posters here being the granddaughters of teenage mothers.

you clearly don't understand statistics

You're right, I don't

But I've posted a lot on this thread, could you be more specific please?

That said, the majority I've encountered were through the student parent society at my university, and fellow young parent bloggers.

To be fair ovaries this suggests a fairly skewed sample and it does not follow that this is the norm. Also, you say "there's no reason they can't be [university educated] the support is there". I won't pretend to be an expert but I struggle to believe that there is enough support by which I mean easily available child care, financial support (both to cover the cost of the course, materials, travel as well as the cost of living) and consideration for the students parenting obligations when considering say placements, to make this doable for many young women. That's before you even consider the poverty of aspiration that exists for many where further education is not the norm.

It's not impossible of course but it's bloody hard enough to mean it's not feasible for a good number of young women.

I don't think being a grandparent is an aspiration, why would my children's choices on having kids or not have anything to do with me? I hope they grow up happy and have good lives, but if they have kids or not I couldn't care less.

As for the age, yes it's young but not so young that I'd spend much time being shocked or worrying over it.

cantsleep I must admit, childcare for DS was much easier when I was studying young. Not now since I'm working ! But his at school and attends after school club which I'm managing but funding childcare in the holidays is a nightmare.

When I was doing my A levels I had something called the care 2 learn grant which helped me fund DS childcare and of course when I went to University I had the childcare grant.

this suggests a fairly skewed sample and it does not follow that this is the norm

That's why I said "That said" - I was acknowledging that the sample was incredibly biased just by virtue of it being a university society, of course they were going to be university-educated (I tried to write it more explicitly but I'm knackered and the words are not coming easy tonight ), sorry for the confusion.

I struggle to believe that there is enough support by which I mean easily available child care, financial support (both to cover the cost of the course, materials, travel as well as the cost of living) and consideration for the students parenting obligations when considering say placements

I wasn't a parent at further education level, so I can't comment on this and I appreciate that FE colleges don't have anywhere near the level of facilities for childcare, so I'll focus on 18+.

This really varies by university. I was lucky that when I got pregnant at the start of my second year I was a) in Wales, with a generous student finance system and b) at a university with a lot of mature students. They hadn't encountered many pregnant students at the "conventional" student age i.e 18-21, but because they had the facilities there for mature students, I was lucky.

They had an on-campus nursery, which was covered by a specific childcare grant through student finance, very considerate and supportive tutors - they were the first people to congratulate me on my pregnancy after everyone else reacted like , and encouraged me constantly, and Student Finance Wales does have a lot of support for student parents; I don't know much about the situation in other countries yet.

Part of it is luck, and being at the right university, but most seem supportive of student parents - particularly the further down the league tables you go, but lots of higher-ranking unis with large mature student populations will have the facilities too. The choice of course will have a bearing on it too; you're going to struggle more as a student nurse with night shifts and only 8-8 childcare available, than an English lit student with six 2-hour lectures a week. My course was in the middle - some 9-5 days, some 15-hour days - so the choice of course will affect how easy the person finds it.

I'm not denying that it's really really hard work - at two weeks postpartum I wrote two essays in between night feeds with a newborn in my arms and I look back now and think FFS what the hell were you doing you should have been sleeping woman!, but it was far from impossible (and we didn't have family support, then-BF now-DH was a full time student too). I was stupidly stubborn and refused to defer for a year, refused to take extensions etc but all of these were offered.

I'm not naïve/stupid/obnoxious enough to think that we can set up a conveyer belt of young parents into university and each one will love it, succeed and thrive there. The poverty of aspiration is a huge issue and one that I don't think we're helping when we write off young parents as being incapable of going into further education.

I do think, however, that if a young mum wants to go into FE/HE, she should feel encouraged to do so, rather than feeling that everyone expects her to fail. I certainly experienced that, and that more than anything made me come close to dropping out at times.

Shiiiit that was long, sorry!

TL;DR - Support is available, some of it is a postcode lottery, some of it is luck, some of it is fucking hard work, no-one should feel forced into it or that they are "worth less" if they don't, but if they want to they should be encouraged and supported to :)

My parents were older when they had me. I had my first at 20. Went to Uni and held down a job at the same time. I now have 3 kids, am married, own my own home and have a well paid job. Several of my friends are in the same position. I think writing people off because they had their children when they were young is a bit of a crappy thing to do. I have a very nice life and wouldn't change a thing about it. Some of my friends who waited until they had established their careers to try have had trouble conceiving or suffer from health problems and struggle with active toddlers. There isn't a right or wrong way to do it so maybe just let people get on with it and stop judging and making sweeping generalisations.

Well I'm 22 and many girls at my school have now had babies, several have had 2, 3 are married haha - others like myself wouldn't consider children until nearer 30. Some families just have kids/get married much younger - for example my cousin is 28 but is married to a 19 year old - her sister is my age and married with 3 kids ... it just is for some people. If their kids went on to have kids at the same age it would make sense for them to be GMs - at 41 I hope to have 3 kids under 11 lol x

"Although there does seem to be an exceptional amount of posters on this thread who started having kids at 18-19 y.o. who have several university degrees, a huge house, an illustrious career, and a massive salary. Funny that. "

Probably because we were drawn to the thread title as it's relevant to our lives? We aren't all lying, I'm sure. But it would of course be better for you to assume that as it backs up your own point of view.
Most of those things listed, do not apply to me but I'm a good mum, I have a house, that I own, a very happy child, a reasonably good job, an income from said job, I go on holidays etc (these things are apparently what makes it okay to have a a child young? Do your rules apply to older parents?)
Some PEOPLE have their children "young" and live full and happy lives some have them "at the acceptable age" and live full and happy lives. Some people never have kids and do nothing, absolutely nothing with their lives, some go on to have a fulfilled life.
What's your point? Because all I can see is "young parents screw up their lives, their children's lives and don't get to travel"

Chamonix1, I don't think people are trying to accuse people like yourself of being untruthful. Rather, the point might be that this thread will mostly attract only those who have a positive story.

How many former teen parents have you seen on here who would admit that they should have waited?

That they made poor judgment in their choice of partner?

That they missed the best opportunity to get an education and it's hurting them now, as they're on minimum wage at best and benefits at worst?

That in their parenting, they lacked maturity and other beneficial qualities that develop with age?

That they can't afford their own housing, relying instead on parental generosity or housing benefit?

That their own children repeated the cycle?

You'll never see it - which doesn't mean that there aren't any young parents in that situation (nor does it mean that all young parents were in that situation, or that no older parents were).

No- I'd say half of my friends that have had children "young" have lead a similar life to me so far, a 1/4 of them have similar situations to what you describe and the other 1/4 just get by and are happy enough.
Of those 1/4 of friends that have similar circumstances to which you describe only 1 of them had a mum who also had her babies young.
Of course this is just people I know, or know of.
I do see it entirely. But I don't like the extent of generalisation going on. In my humble opinion and from my own experiences and those around me, the generalisation on this thread is actually inaccurate. In my opinion

I made a point of stating i didn't claim benefits when i first became a parent, in response to someone who stated that those who had children young lived off mum and dad and benefits. That is not always true.

A former work colleague of mine has grandparents who are in their 50s. She also has children. So there is a 58 year old greatgrandmother floating around.

Meh. I have an aunt who was a granny at thirty. She also had seven kids by the age of 22 when her doc finally let her get her tubes tied.