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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 41 is v v young for a granny??

641 replies

TinfoilHattie · 19/03/2017 18:24

I'm 44. Recently I have been back in touch with some people I was at school with on Facebook - haven't seen these people for over 20 years, nearer 25 probably. I'm quite surprised at the number who are already grandparents - I saw a picture of a toddler on one of their FB pages, assumed it was their child but no, a grandchild having their third birthday. Granny is the same age as me. Confused

My mum was 27 when she had me and became a grandparent at 58. My inlaws were the same age. My eldest is 14 and I am not expecting to be a granny much before I'm 60, so that's my "normal". Cannot imagine being a granny by 41 and may be a bit unreasonable thinking it's nothing to aspire to?

OP posts:
MargaretCabbage · 19/03/2017 20:42

My grandmother became a grandmother at 40. She had my DM at 20 and my DM had me at 20. I made my DM a granny at 50. My MIL was almost 70 when DC1 was born and she died two days later. It made me think having grandchildren at 40 might be better than the alternative.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 19/03/2017 20:42

Excellent point armpitz

Flowerbunty · 19/03/2017 20:43

My DM was 32 when she became a granny. She had my DSis at 16 and my DSis had my nephew at the same age.

EmiliaAirheart · 19/03/2017 20:44

Well Armpitz, a lot of people are sufficiently responsible to aim to have children when they can financially support them themselves, and for many people, particularly those in professional careers, that works out to be in their mid-thirties.

Not everyone wants to live hand to mouth on benefits for the early years, and can count on parents who will support them while retraining. As other posters have been saying, the responsibility of having children should also include the responsibility of financially providing for them to the best of your ability - at whatever age. However, odds are that delaying gratification will set you up better for that.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/03/2017 20:44

My mum was a grandma at 39!

She had me at 18 and i had my baby at 20

Natsku · 19/03/2017 20:46

41 does seem young but I suppose its not that uncommon really. Being a younger grandparent has its advantages as you have more energy to play with your grandchildren.

I had DD at 24 which is a good age I think, old enough to have a bit of sense but still young, but she's an only and I really want more but I'm already 30 and starting to feel time is running out - I wouldn't want to be having children past 35 really as the risks of problems increase then and at the rate I'm starting to lose energy I'm probably gonna be knackered by then!

Natsku · 19/03/2017 20:48

The problem Emilia is that waiting to have children increases the odds of issues like deformities and disorders which increase the costs related to the child and the chances that they might end up dependent on someone to look after them for the rest of their lives. Its a gamble either way, have them young and risk falling off the career ladder, have them older and risk having to give up your career to be a carer.

LifeAsWeKnowIt · 19/03/2017 20:48

My mum became a nana at 36
Dps mum was 39.
Both had their kids very young too and great nans are also rather active being in their early 60s.

BubbleBed · 19/03/2017 20:48

Maybe it depends on area. But i had several friends married and with children in early 20s. And all were self sufficient and not living hand to mouth or on benefits.

EmiliaAirheart · 19/03/2017 20:49

SparklyUnicornPoo, how are you messing up anyone's theory? If a group (teen parents) is statistically more likely to have certain outcomes, of course there will be a subset of that group who do better. That doesn't mean the generalisations overall are incorrect.

And as for sweeping generalisations being unhelpful, knowing more about the challenges and likely outcomes for certain cohorts allows for supportive measures to be put in place to help them (things like extra HV visits, surestart, housing officer support etc. - whatever the UK has these days). It sounds like you had the benefit of a supportive family and possibly university services, whereas others may have a very different experience and relied on the very services that your line of reasoning dismisses.

armpitz · 19/03/2017 20:49

Emilia why are we assuming you need a degree to work? Confused

A couple earning minimum wage, with childcare help from THEIR parents, are still bringing in a perfectly adequate amount to raise a family.

Stoodonlegoagain · 19/03/2017 20:49

I had my first DC at 17, owned a house and earned over £50k p/a by 21. My sister had her first DC at 32, she's been on benefits her whole life. My mum was 40 when she became a granny. Young parents can be successful and good parents, older parents can be on the dole and not the best parents. People define themselves not their age and it REALLY pisses me off when people look down on young mothers. For the first 6 months of my firstborns life I didn't leave the house because someone at a mother and baby group made me feel terrible and like I was set out to fail. I could say that older parents are selfish because my two best friends parents were dead before they met their DGS but each to their own and I'm far to happy in myself and the decisions I've made now to judge those who made different decisions.

Mynestisfullofempty · 19/03/2017 20:50

My mother is 97 next month and still a grandmother, not a great-grandmother. Is that awful?

Chamonix1 · 19/03/2017 20:51

I had dd when I was 18.
"Too young".
I was very unwell at the time and it was only when I got pregnant consultants took me seriously and diagnosed serious health issues and treated them.
At that point in my life I was doing nothing. I was very sick and unmotivated. I didn't even go out with my friends. I existed I didn't live.
DD motivated me, I'm a bloody good mum, I'm 23 with a lovely home that I own (with a not so hefty mortgage either), I'm now married ( had a baby out of wedlock Shock) and I've worked solidly for the past 5 years to support myself and my daughter.
I'm hoping to study soon now she is going to school in September!
If I read this thread when I was pregnant it would've really really upset me, so to any "young mums" reading this, you choose your own path, fuck statistics, other opinions etc I know plenty of middle aged people who have no kids and have done nothing with their lives.
Being a mother doesn't stop anyone achieving anything, in fact it saved me.

EmiliaAirheart · 19/03/2017 20:53

JaneEyre70, you're the very definition of judgmental - not to mention ignorant. You think the only alternative to being a young grandparent is being one who is 'sat with a blanket on her lap in a fecking rocking chair dribbling!!?

What a lovely way to describe a state that you yourself may end up in one day. As for your husband being a higher rate taxpayer, it's a bit gauche to brag about other people's achievements rather than your own.

pieceofpurplesky · 19/03/2017 20:54

I know a 30 Year old granny both she and her DS became parents at 15

Mumofazoo · 19/03/2017 20:54

Due to an ongoing health issue that has badly damaged my womb, my dr said that I was very lucky I had kids when I did as if I had waited, I might never have been able to conceive. So I am glad I was a teen mum and I wouldn't change it for the world.

ETanny · 19/03/2017 20:54

If my daughter is the same age I was when she has a baby I will be a Nannie at 38. Shock

Tabbylady · 19/03/2017 20:57

It does seem pretty young but that's probably just relative depending on how old your own parents were

Here's a slightly funny but scary story...

My best friend married a 32yo man when she was 25.
Not long after they were engaged he was contacted by a 16yo boy who said that my friend's fiance was his father.

Lo and behold, DNA proved it. He was the result of a "holiday romance" aged 16. The boy was brought up by his grandparents and had only recently discovered that his "sister" was his mum.

Fiance started to form a relationship with son. My friend got used to idea of being a stepmum.

2 weeks before wedding, son announced that he too had great news- his 15yo GF was pregnant

My poor friend suddenly realised that in addition to being married to a 32yo grandad, she was going to be a step-grandma at 25, before she'd even had any children of her own!

Yikes.

cowssheephens · 19/03/2017 20:57

Certainly not living hand to mouth! Married young and had children young but now being in our early thirties we are also mortgage free. All paid by us, no parents funds etc.

Also my parents are still young and are very able physically alongside DCs. Last weekend we all hiked a local mountain, 10 miles round trip.

Everybody is different, we must not judge.

BakeOffBiscuits · 19/03/2017 20:59

Lots of very ignorant comments on this thread.

"Also, if you are a teenage mother, that means that your dd will be one too" being the bestHmm

Italwaysworksitselfout · 19/03/2017 20:59

My dm had me at 20 and I had ds1 at 19. Dm was 39 when she became a gran. I am now a gran courtesy of ds2 at the age of 45 and dm is ggran at 65. As ds2 has residency of ds and lives with us we are so glad of being young GPS and my dm is loving being a young ggran and can spend more time with him as she has retired.
Oh and I'm pregnant with surprise baby as well. It's an interesting dynamic Grin

EmiliaAirheart · 19/03/2017 20:59

Natsku, I don't see how waiting until your late twenties or earlier thirties gives rise to the risk you're talking about - or at least, that risk is small compared to the much higher risk of missing a prime opportunity to train and qualify in something that can support you financially over your life.

pinkhorse · 19/03/2017 21:03

My grandmother became a grandmother to me at 38 and her mother became my great grandmother at 55

MargaretCavendish · 19/03/2017 21:03

Margaret I guess you might have a working partner? wink

I covered that: "I suppose some 21 year olds might have partners who can support them, but not many - and given the success rates of relationships at that age, it would be a foolish thing to rely on."

Unless there's a significant age gap - which is fine, but not what most young women want - then there's going to be some pretty stiff competition for the small percentage of 21 year old men who earn enough to support a family of three.