Advice needed about bereavement and family fall out

[ScentedCandle123]

I've name changed for this as some details are quite identifying.

My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years. His home town is 350 miles away and his parents and sister and family live there. Up until last year I had met his parents and sister once when we made the trip so I could be introduced to them. I know he's not particularly close to his parents and his relationship with his sister isn't' good as they just never really got on and he felt that his parents would always 'take her side'. She lives 5 minutes away from their parents and always feels the need to point out that she has a better relationship with them and does everything for them.

Last October we got engaged, two weeks later his mother was diagnosed with cancer and the prognosis was poor. At the time I asked him if he wanted to just have a quick registry office wedding in his home town so she could be there, he said he didn't want to do it like that. Plans for the wedding later this year went ahead. We visited again just after her diagnosis. I was very conscious that wedding plans were forging ahead and I didn't want her to felt left out so I casually dropped into conversation that we had found a venue, his mother changed the subject and I left it at that. I appreciate that she had other things to think about than our wedding. His father did ask to see my engagement ring on the way out but that was it.

In December my fiancé had to make the trip down to near his home town for work. He spoke to his father and said he would try to get over to visit and would ring him to confirm. As it was meetings over ran and he was unable to make it. He didn't ring to let them know, but in his mind as he said he would ring to confirm there wouldn't be a problem. (He has now admitted that he was in the wrong and should have called, he has since apologised for this.)

Following this things have become very frosty between him and his family. Three weeks ago we received a text from his father to say that his mum had gone into a hospice. My fiancé immediately tried calling his father a few times but got no answer, as thought he would be in and out of the hospice and unable to asnswer his phone he sent his father a text to say he would like to visit this weekend. He received a very curt reply saying that his father and his sister had worked very hard to make his mother comfortable and any ciosit would have to be short, so as not to upset her. My fiancé made the trip and had a chance to really talk with his dad and was pleased that they had cleared the air and very positive about their relationship. Following this visit my fiancé texted his father everyday, sometimes he received replies, sometimes not. Again we thought that this was fine as he had other things to think about. Last week my fiancé received a text to say that his mother had died, he tried to call his father but could not get hold of him. He has texted daily asking his father if he wants him to come home, or if he can help in any way. He has received no replies. Then his father texted him and said that he didn't understand why he hadn't heard from him in a year but had received 55 texts in the last 18 days. He said he hadn't spoken to his mother in over a year and this was "too little, too late". The reality is my fiancé and his mother had been in contact almost daily over whatsapp.

Today my fiancé had received a typed letter in the post informing him the date and time of the funeral. There is no mention of him coming in the cars to the crem or anything else to do with the family. Just the dune, date and time, signed 'regards'.

Fiancé is now saying he is not going to the funeral. He doesn't want there to be a scene and he thinks his sister will cause one. I've tried to encourage him to go but he won't entertain the idea. Should I be doing anything else?

Phew, that was long. Thanks if you made it this far.

It's telling that you only met your fiances family once before announcing the wedding. The problems are deep seated.

OP, I think you should encourage your fiance to go. It's his mum. He can always leave straight after the ceremony. If he doesn't go it will seal the deal when it comes to that side of the family.

But I would also be a bit worried about marrying someone who didn't visit his mum in these circumstances. If he was whatsapping her surely he could have visited? It doesn't make sense. Are you sure he was in fact in touch with her as often as he says?

... I meant to add, it's pretty shitty of the family not to encourage your fiance to visit. It could be that he is the 'family scapegoat' and they need someone to bear the brunt of the bad feelings by taking the blame for all their woes. So its definitely not just your fiance who bears the responsibility.

There will be reasons why family relationships are so terrible. It won't have happened overnight. People who are brought up in stable, close and loving families don't tend to disengage from those families and stay away when someone is dying.

I think this thread is very unfair to op and fiance. We don't know the full story.

Turning up when asked not to is not the right thing to do, in my opinion. I'd be horrified if my family did that and it would cause havoc. They are just not who I want to be around at a difficult time

If I were you op I would attend the service, slip in at the back then leave.

After she died people kept telling me that it would hit me particularly hard as we had a difficult relationship. That hasn't happened and will not happen. She's gone, I don't miss her

My husband had a difficult relationship with his mother and this really worried me but like you it just didn't happen. She was gone and all the poison, manipulation had gone as well. People in your average family just don't get it, I know I didn't until I saw it up close.

" At the time I asked him if he wanted to just have a quick registry office wedding in his home town so she could be there, he said he didn't want to do it like that. "

I'm finding it hard to get past that tbh.

Lots of people have condemned the son without any idea what sort of a mother she was. I spent years listening to family criticising my brother. Not one of them had any idea what my mother was really like. I looked after her until she died at 95. Her treatment of us was appalling. Everything I did for her was thrown back in my face, she criticised me, my home, my life style and my family. She was a very cruel mother. My brother an I have only spoken to each other about it and only since she has died.

He is your life now. Try to understand and support him and give him the benefit of the doubt.

I think this thread is unkind. There is such a thing as being pushed out of a family, as well as not being there. There are all sorts of relationships. I know of siblings who have never quite become adults, who still keep their dolls and toys at parents' house, who bicker about the ancient lego, who still have 'their' bedroom, and they simply want things their way. They take control, and other people in the family are an intrusion/ not wanted/ have annoying small children/ annoying teenage children/partners they don't like/ take away the attention from themselves. I think they can't help it. For them, the parent/child link is still their strongest and only permanent relationship. It hurts them to share.
OPs partner has drifted away, perhaps with good reason. It seems, until crunch time, he wasn't much missed. Now he is pretty much damned whatever he does. True, he should have got to the hospice, however unwelcome he felt, and however much virtuous bosom hoiking was going on in the background. But telling his mother about the wedding was not in anyway cruel. I remember telling my grandmother about the new baby, my dd, that she would never live to see, and she and I both knew that. She loved being told. We talked about names.
OP, you haven't been cruel.