Advice needed about bereavement and family fall out

[ScentedCandle123]

I've name changed for this as some details are quite identifying.

My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years. His home town is 350 miles away and his parents and sister and family live there. Up until last year I had met his parents and sister once when we made the trip so I could be introduced to them. I know he's not particularly close to his parents and his relationship with his sister isn't' good as they just never really got on and he felt that his parents would always 'take her side'. She lives 5 minutes away from their parents and always feels the need to point out that she has a better relationship with them and does everything for them.

Last October we got engaged, two weeks later his mother was diagnosed with cancer and the prognosis was poor. At the time I asked him if he wanted to just have a quick registry office wedding in his home town so she could be there, he said he didn't want to do it like that. Plans for the wedding later this year went ahead. We visited again just after her diagnosis. I was very conscious that wedding plans were forging ahead and I didn't want her to felt left out so I casually dropped into conversation that we had found a venue, his mother changed the subject and I left it at that. I appreciate that she had other things to think about than our wedding. His father did ask to see my engagement ring on the way out but that was it.

In December my fiancé had to make the trip down to near his home town for work. He spoke to his father and said he would try to get over to visit and would ring him to confirm. As it was meetings over ran and he was unable to make it. He didn't ring to let them know, but in his mind as he said he would ring to confirm there wouldn't be a problem. (He has now admitted that he was in the wrong and should have called, he has since apologised for this.)

Following this things have become very frosty between him and his family. Three weeks ago we received a text from his father to say that his mum had gone into a hospice. My fiancé immediately tried calling his father a few times but got no answer, as thought he would be in and out of the hospice and unable to asnswer his phone he sent his father a text to say he would like to visit this weekend. He received a very curt reply saying that his father and his sister had worked very hard to make his mother comfortable and any ciosit would have to be short, so as not to upset her. My fiancé made the trip and had a chance to really talk with his dad and was pleased that they had cleared the air and very positive about their relationship. Following this visit my fiancé texted his father everyday, sometimes he received replies, sometimes not. Again we thought that this was fine as he had other things to think about. Last week my fiancé received a text to say that his mother had died, he tried to call his father but could not get hold of him. He has texted daily asking his father if he wants him to come home, or if he can help in any way. He has received no replies. Then his father texted him and said that he didn't understand why he hadn't heard from him in a year but had received 55 texts in the last 18 days. He said he hadn't spoken to his mother in over a year and this was "too little, too late". The reality is my fiancé and his mother had been in contact almost daily over whatsapp.

Today my fiancé had received a typed letter in the post informing him the date and time of the funeral. There is no mention of him coming in the cars to the crem or anything else to do with the family. Just the dune, date and time, signed 'regards'.

Fiancé is now saying he is not going to the funeral. He doesn't want there to be a scene and he thinks his sister will cause one. I've tried to encourage him to go but he won't entertain the idea. Should I be doing anything else?

Phew, that was long. Thanks if you made it this far.

So, his dad and sister have watched his mum die, wanting to see her son. And he made it to her twice (?) in the 6 (?) months between her diagnosis and death. He thought Whatsapping her was a good enough substitute for actually showing her any emotional support, let alone practical. He is surprised that they are upset, and channelling their grief into anger, pointed at him. Now, they are going to be faced with having to tell everyone at the funeral why he's not there.

I don't think you have done anything wrong. I think he is extremely, extremely unreasonable and selfish. I cant imagine not going to a parent's funeral, though neither can I imagine staying away from them because I hadn't had an invite. It sounds like he doesn't like his family very much, let alone care for them or love them - in which case, not going to the funeral will be a very easy way for him to ensure they don't bother him again.

I do think he, at least, should attend his mother's funeral. As to his 'behaviour ', well, I'm not sure about that. When my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, his wife phoned to tell me. I wanted to drop everything and go to see him there and then but she told me that my dad had been clear that he didn't want to see anyone for a few days, to give him a chance to come to terms with the situation. Myself and sibling respected that wish. As well as the one which his wife also passed on, saying he didn't want any of his grandchildren to see him unwell. So, not only did I have to tell my dcs that their grandad was going to die, but that they wouldn't see him again (they were at secondary school btw, not babies) . Every day I'd call, only to be told we could visit 'soon' . Until a few days after that phone call, one of my dad's friends called to tell us he was bad and if we wanted to see him, to go now. My sibling and I drove there straight away and we're with him when, a few hours later, he died. And over the next few days we found out that his wife had been telling everyone that we had refused to visit, that we had denied our dad the chanceto see his grandchildren before he died, that we had tried to cause problems regarding the funeral and other terrible things. I'm sure if MN had been around at that time, if she'd posted her 'side', we too would have been vilified for our appalling behaviour. The problem is, it was all lies. And I can never forgive her for that because she told those same lies to my dad and made his last days even worse for him.

OP I think you can see now that this hasn't been handled well at all up to now but if you and your fiance don't go to the funeral it will be utterly irreparable. It really is time for him to step up.

It's absolutely pointless criticising his behaviour now. It's all done and over, what matters is what he does now, that he steps up and goes to the funeral.

No it isn't. The only way to earn forgiveness is to start by accepting your guilt. Glossing over it with, 'oh well it's done now' - shrugs, won't help him with the future relationships of his family. The OP's DF treated his family in a dreadful manner at the hardest point in their lives. Truly learning and accepting just how bad and hurtful his behaviour was is the only possible way to repair the damage he has caused to his remaining family relationships.

When someone is dying it's actually really, really hard soul destroying work. Physically looking after and comforting someone in pain and sorrow and in near constant, increasing physical need. Suffering the daily grief of seeing your loved one fade away. Simultaneously clinging to every last moment you can spend with them, while one tiny part of you wishes this part of your life was over even though it means you'll have lost the person you love, but sometimes you can't help it because it all hurts so bloody much. Then the further emotional toll of dealing with all of that when the end is near and (as so often happens but is never depicted in the media) your loved one starts to get really angry and heartbroken because they aren't done with life and don't want to go. Dealing with your own heartbreak and also having to be strong for your other family members. When day in, day out you can't sleep, your own life is on hold while you just get through this fucking awful time. If you can do all that with a strong, caring family unit who have each other's backs it's still fucking hell.

But if you have to do that while having an immediate family member visit twice and not even bother to show up for a visit in between and get his pretending to fucking care texts on a daily basis, while probably dealing with his mother's heartbreak that he cares so, so very little? And being told that it's because it's 'so hard for him?' He made a hellish situation so much worse for his family, he needs to truly acknowledge that in order to try and heal the pain he caused or at the very least, so that he never, ever, ever behaves so badly again.

@SpringerS you've just described my current life to a tee.

Springers, thank you for posting the reality and I'm sorry for my lack of understanding.

Springers that made me cry. I am terminally ill and I don't feel like me anymore nor do i look like it. It's very hard to explain and you feel like your constantly under the microscope.

You explained that in such a good way......

@wannabestressfree bless you

Have you enough support?

I think ZeeZeeks post is thought provoking. It's not possible from the information in this thread to really know the full details of this situation. It's complicated and possibly more akin tozeezeeks story than not.

I doubt the OP he s still reading, but if you are then Springers post is one you should read and more importantly get your partner to read.

You both seem to be in denial about his behaviour and determined to put forward excuse after excuse for his lack of empathy and support - all of which is focused on blaming everyone who WAS there for his mother and dealing with the issues Springer described so articulately.

Wannabe

No not really but there is so much going on I wouldn't know where to start. I have specialist nursing care, stuff for the kids and I have a possible pre op soon but it's very large and I am not sure how I feel about it.

There is a lot to do and I am lacking in energy full stop,

Wanna - so sorry to hear that.

Do you have your own thread? I know other MN's found a lot of support here having had a terminal diagnosis.

Being able to offload outside of friends and family might help and there are many people who can offer practical advice.

I also think this is helpful (and it's something the OP and her partner should have read), in terms of putting yourself at the centre of the circle and what that means.

articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

Wanna whereabouts are you?

Am in Kent near the sea :)

I think that he has behaved awfully tbh. Of vourse he should have made time to visit his mother when she became ill. He should have and no doubt could have asked for leave to do so. The reason he is not going is because he probably knows this. Is he someone who prefers to stay drtached from difficult or unpleasant things? If so think hard about how much help he is gojng to be in your future life if things dont turn out rosy. Then imagine you have a child yourself who cant be arsed to visit you.

OP - if the situation were reversed & it was your parent who had been diagnosed wi t h a terminal illness, would you have behaved in the same way as your dp? Would you have only bothered to visit twice in the six months or would you have jumped in the car & gone? Or if you are diagnosed with an illness, terminal or not, how do you think he will respond to you? You need to have a good long think about committing yourself to such a callous minded person.

Wannabe only if you can manage it. My dear dad stuffed his face full of cake before he died. He was a diabetic for 40 years but the dr said it didn't really matter so gave him the green light!

Your dps behaviour around his dms diagnosis is shocking. I know 2 families going through this at the moment and all their ds have cancelled all fun things trips etc and are constantly visiting their dms . Up until this happened they were regular young lads who did their own thing but suddenly they stepped up when their dm was dying..l think you have encouraged him for some reason..Do you get on with your own family? When my df was dying my db flew across the Atlantic 3 times in his final month. Once for his funeral. 300 miles is nothing. Im shocked at him.

Wannabestressfree

Not sure if you are a still reading this OP, but one of my brothers behaved in a similar way to your fiancé. My dad, me and our other siblings may have forgiven him - after all people deal with death and traumatic situations in different ways - but him not turning up at our mother's funeral was the final straw for us and as far as we are all concerned he no longer exists. If your fiancé wants any future relationship with his father and sister you must urge him to go even if it would be uncomfortable for him. I do agree with the previous poster who said you should be seriously questioning your future with a man who is capable of such callous behaviour towards his own family though. His behaviour is beyond being merely thoughtless, and shows a lack of empathy that sounds pathological.

He should put on his big boy pants and go to see his father and sister. Soon. He should attend the funeral, as should you, your role in this is to support him.
It's time he faced up to the fact that he left his parents and sister to cope on their own.

I was disappointed with members of my own family when my mother was terminally ill. She longed for a visit from them but they didn't come. Their excuse was "I can't face seeing her like that, I want to remember her as she was when she was well".
Well how did they think we and mum felt.
My mum was still mum, albeit smaller, thinner, weaker but still mum. Still fully mentally aware, still able to make sure I'd paid her gas bill.
At the end it was just me and my sister with her.
At the funeral I overheard someone say they were always there for her.
It took me all of my mental capacity not to punch them in the face.

I think your fiancé has shown appalling lack of care, love, interest in his own mother's illness and death. He sounds weak. Of course he could have gone and seen his mother/parents. He chose not to. Of course he could have driven to his parents house after his mother died. Even if his father didn't want to see him it would have shown he cared enough to try. He chose not to.

Of course you can send a card to people you don't really know to express sympathy at their loss.

What a cold pair you both sound.

Looks like the op has left the thread

Indeed Chocolate - but disengagement seems to be the standard response for this couple.