Advice needed about bereavement and family fall out

[ScentedCandle123]

I've name changed for this as some details are quite identifying.

My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years. His home town is 350 miles away and his parents and sister and family live there. Up until last year I had met his parents and sister once when we made the trip so I could be introduced to them. I know he's not particularly close to his parents and his relationship with his sister isn't' good as they just never really got on and he felt that his parents would always 'take her side'. She lives 5 minutes away from their parents and always feels the need to point out that she has a better relationship with them and does everything for them.

Last October we got engaged, two weeks later his mother was diagnosed with cancer and the prognosis was poor. At the time I asked him if he wanted to just have a quick registry office wedding in his home town so she could be there, he said he didn't want to do it like that. Plans for the wedding later this year went ahead. We visited again just after her diagnosis. I was very conscious that wedding plans were forging ahead and I didn't want her to felt left out so I casually dropped into conversation that we had found a venue, his mother changed the subject and I left it at that. I appreciate that she had other things to think about than our wedding. His father did ask to see my engagement ring on the way out but that was it.

In December my fiancé had to make the trip down to near his home town for work. He spoke to his father and said he would try to get over to visit and would ring him to confirm. As it was meetings over ran and he was unable to make it. He didn't ring to let them know, but in his mind as he said he would ring to confirm there wouldn't be a problem. (He has now admitted that he was in the wrong and should have called, he has since apologised for this.)

Following this things have become very frosty between him and his family. Three weeks ago we received a text from his father to say that his mum had gone into a hospice. My fiancé immediately tried calling his father a few times but got no answer, as thought he would be in and out of the hospice and unable to asnswer his phone he sent his father a text to say he would like to visit this weekend. He received a very curt reply saying that his father and his sister had worked very hard to make his mother comfortable and any ciosit would have to be short, so as not to upset her. My fiancé made the trip and had a chance to really talk with his dad and was pleased that they had cleared the air and very positive about their relationship. Following this visit my fiancé texted his father everyday, sometimes he received replies, sometimes not. Again we thought that this was fine as he had other things to think about. Last week my fiancé received a text to say that his mother had died, he tried to call his father but could not get hold of him. He has texted daily asking his father if he wants him to come home, or if he can help in any way. He has received no replies. Then his father texted him and said that he didn't understand why he hadn't heard from him in a year but had received 55 texts in the last 18 days. He said he hadn't spoken to his mother in over a year and this was "too little, too late". The reality is my fiancé and his mother had been in contact almost daily over whatsapp.

Today my fiancé had received a typed letter in the post informing him the date and time of the funeral. There is no mention of him coming in the cars to the crem or anything else to do with the family. Just the dune, date and time, signed 'regards'.

Fiancé is now saying he is not going to the funeral. He doesn't want there to be a scene and he thinks his sister will cause one. I've tried to encourage him to go but he won't entertain the idea. Should I be doing anything else?

Phew, that was long. Thanks if you made it this far.

So the woman is dying and you tell her you are going to be getting married after she has passed ??!!!

WHY

So crass and insensitive!

Without doubt there might be fault in both sides pre diagnosis but your partners actions after diagnosis stink to high heaven.

I understand the anger he must feel towards his parents for the way the have treat him all of these years but his actions since October show that he, in my opinion is a poor excuse for a son.

No one stopped your fiancé going and visiting his mum. He's a grown man and could have gone to the hospice any time. He knew where it was.

She was given over a year to live, everyone thought she was going to be at the wedding.

Did your dp know how little time his mum had left? I'm surprised he didn't agree to bring the wedding forward or at least have some kind of short ceremony or blessing that she could attend. I work in a hospice and we often have sons/ daughters of terminally ill patients who have a short blessing at the hospice chapel as they know their parent won't be around long enough to e at the wedding.

And my brothers excuse was exactly your finances - it upset him too much to see mum and he couldn't cope with it.

Well boo fucking hoo. It's not all about him. Or it wasn't. His mum was dying and I'm sure and certain she would have wanted to see him and whatever way you dress it up he didn't make the effort.

He's behaved very poorly.

Sorry crossed posts.

Once she went to a hospice you knew she wasn't going to be doing too long. And a year to live is only ever a guess it's not an exact science.

The situation is not going to be very nice for anyone Scented. Especially not in the speedy circumstances your DP's mother died. But I can not believe his father will not want him there at all. What he texted in the hours after her death was done at the height of emotion. Allow him that. There seems to be a strange disconnect from you about what they have gone through. But then you barely know them.

Your brother was sent the details of the funeral - even doing it that way takes time. That acknowledges that they know he has a fundamental place there. If you stay away they will have no way of knowing that it wasn't just more of the same from him. This is his big chance to do something right.

Ok! Ok! I have just admitted that we should have done things differently. I've said we're not going to the funeral so as not to upset anyone. I really didn't think about the wedding thing, I didn't know if it was better to just not mention it and then make her think I didn't want her involved. You've all pointed out I'm a cow. Thanks.

I think Matildas post is good. I think a polite letter might be good. He really needs to mention that he was in constant contact with his Mum by WhatsApp - it's important and shows he had a relationship,of sorts with his mother.

I'd also suggest sending a card.

I also think that it might be ok not to go but if you do that it might be worth thinking about doing something in her memory.

I would take a very close look at the behaviour of your future husband, a man who, when the going gets tough, when his own mother is dying, thinks the occasional text message is enough, will arrange a visit and then let his parents down without even an acknowledgement that he won't be able to make it after all, who prefers to avoid dealing with feelings and emotions, and would actually miss his own mothers funeral.

I don't know what he should do. If he goes, I think he should go on his own and be respectful and aware of the obvious hurt he has caused. I'm not sure you should go.

I know I hated my brother there. And I was incredibly hurt for the way he behaved to my mum. She would have given her soul to see him before she died and he wasn't there. But at the end of the day, etiquette wise he had as much right to be there as me.

You're not a cow op you didn't know she wasn't going to make the wedding at the time.

I don't think you're a cow at all scented.

Just in at the deep end with this situation.

And YY to what sheldon said. Texting every day is NOT the same as seeing the reality at the sharp end.

Op. I don't think you're a cow, you have just been a little thoughtless . Perhaps your dp was in some degree of denial as to how poorly his mum was and when you live a long distance away and don't see the small changes every day it is easier to not aknowledge what is happening. Your dp must be feeling awful but staying away from the funeral is ot the right thing to do. He needs to apologise, admit he has acted badly and now concentrate on giving his df the support he needs.

I know its not the same OP but my brother puts everything else but seeing his parents a priority. He has visited them once in three years. My Mum is so upset now she has told my sister and eye not to bother telling him when she dies as he clearly does not care. My sis and I do everything for my parents our husbands look after the needs we can't. Maybe his family feel the same. My brother always pleads being busy but we all work full time the difference is give up weekends and days off to make sure we remain in contact, I am not surprised he got a short text I would be unhappy with him too. Maybe say to him if he does not attend the funeral service he may regret it later but don't stick around for a wake as that is when tempers will be fraught.

I think you should both go.

Op. I have reported my post where I called you a cow. I shouldn't have dine that.

I think you were massively insensitive and your fiancé has behaved appallingly though.

What you do to rescue this, and even if you can, I honestly don't know.

I'm quite scared reading this thread that you are contemplating not going. There has been a lot of second-guessing what other people think all through this process and the end result hasn't been great. I honestly think that you both MUST go to the funeral - he was sent the details for a reason, they are hurt but they feel he must be there and I think they are right. There was one family funeral that I didn't make it to for various reasons and I have regretted it bitterly ever since and it has led I think to a distancing in my relationship with the surviving relatives - but that was an uncle who was no longer married to my aunt, and who I hadn't seen for some time. This is his MOTHER. I can't imagine a future where he has to think 'I didn't go to my mother's funeral' unless he were in hospital or something at the time, and even then the ward staff move heaven and earth for patients to attend a funeral like this as it is so absolutely vital that people go - for themselves, for the surviving family and for the memory of the person who died. Everyone makes mistakes and bad steps in relationships and says the wrong thing and worries that other people in the family don't like them or don't approve of them - he needs to grit his teeth beyond all that and just go. You both really, really must - it is ESSENTIAL.

I loathe the 'poor lamb couldn't handle seeing someone die' shit. Neither can I, nor my mother, but we stayed with my gran for a week, day and night while she was in a coma, reading to her, holding her hand etc. It was fucking horrific but we did it because we loved her and wanted to be there for her. My brother wasnt there (too busy at work!!) and it still pisses me off now. Your partner is a twat.

His own mother and he barely saw her!! Don't get ill op.

Hate that is exactly how I feel. It's horrible to sit and nurse someone at their end. And the poor wee lamb can't cope really irritates me.

He needs to go and you need to support him. It's not about upsetting anyone he needs to apologise and then be there for his poor mum and be a shoulder for those who have looked after her.

It's all about him. I agree with Anne. Boo hoo.....

Annesmythe, I'm with you (apart from calling op a cow, it's not her fault it's her dps). Rest of it 100% agree

It's absolutely pointless criticising his behaviour now. It's all done and over, what matters is what he does now, that he steps up and goes to the funeral.