Advice needed about bereavement and family fall out

[ScentedCandle123]

I've name changed for this as some details are quite identifying.

My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years. His home town is 350 miles away and his parents and sister and family live there. Up until last year I had met his parents and sister once when we made the trip so I could be introduced to them. I know he's not particularly close to his parents and his relationship with his sister isn't' good as they just never really got on and he felt that his parents would always 'take her side'. She lives 5 minutes away from their parents and always feels the need to point out that she has a better relationship with them and does everything for them.

Last October we got engaged, two weeks later his mother was diagnosed with cancer and the prognosis was poor. At the time I asked him if he wanted to just have a quick registry office wedding in his home town so she could be there, he said he didn't want to do it like that. Plans for the wedding later this year went ahead. We visited again just after her diagnosis. I was very conscious that wedding plans were forging ahead and I didn't want her to felt left out so I casually dropped into conversation that we had found a venue, his mother changed the subject and I left it at that. I appreciate that she had other things to think about than our wedding. His father did ask to see my engagement ring on the way out but that was it.

In December my fiancé had to make the trip down to near his home town for work. He spoke to his father and said he would try to get over to visit and would ring him to confirm. As it was meetings over ran and he was unable to make it. He didn't ring to let them know, but in his mind as he said he would ring to confirm there wouldn't be a problem. (He has now admitted that he was in the wrong and should have called, he has since apologised for this.)

Following this things have become very frosty between him and his family. Three weeks ago we received a text from his father to say that his mum had gone into a hospice. My fiancé immediately tried calling his father a few times but got no answer, as thought he would be in and out of the hospice and unable to asnswer his phone he sent his father a text to say he would like to visit this weekend. He received a very curt reply saying that his father and his sister had worked very hard to make his mother comfortable and any ciosit would have to be short, so as not to upset her. My fiancé made the trip and had a chance to really talk with his dad and was pleased that they had cleared the air and very positive about their relationship. Following this visit my fiancé texted his father everyday, sometimes he received replies, sometimes not. Again we thought that this was fine as he had other things to think about. Last week my fiancé received a text to say that his mother had died, he tried to call his father but could not get hold of him. He has texted daily asking his father if he wants him to come home, or if he can help in any way. He has received no replies. Then his father texted him and said that he didn't understand why he hadn't heard from him in a year but had received 55 texts in the last 18 days. He said he hadn't spoken to his mother in over a year and this was "too little, too late". The reality is my fiancé and his mother had been in contact almost daily over whatsapp.

Today my fiancé had received a typed letter in the post informing him the date and time of the funeral. There is no mention of him coming in the cars to the crem or anything else to do with the family. Just the dune, date and time, signed 'regards'.

Fiancé is now saying he is not going to the funeral. He doesn't want there to be a scene and he thinks his sister will cause one. I've tried to encourage him to go but he won't entertain the idea. Should I be doing anything else?

Phew, that was long. Thanks if you made it this far.

Hmmm. I think I broadly agree with the majority here. I don't think you're heartless or nasty but I do think you've been insensitive, albeit unintentionally so really you shouldn't beat yourself up about it.

Your partner, however, I think has behaved very badly indeed and I'm not surprised there is a level of anger directed at him by his father and sister. I rather suspect he will be feeling significant guilt in time with regards to how he wasn't there was for his family when they needed him. I don't think it matters that they didn't verbalise this, a physical presence shouldn't need to be requested, sometimes it's just the right thing to do (I still remember my cousin making the effort to get to my house on the day my father died, it meant an awful lot and he had to travel a not insignificant distance).

I think you should both go to the funeral and I think your partner needs to consider making a very heartfelt apology to his family.

It's giving the POV of the sister.

And damn right I'm bitter. I hate my brothers guts for the way he treated my mum. He really behaved completely appallingly and he had no right to sit at the front of the church in the same place as me when he wasn't there at the Sharp end when it mattered.

My brother was a spineless self absorbed twat who only cared about not having his nice life upset and wouldn't put himself out to see his dying mother, which was all she wanted.

Damn right I'm bitter.

There have been some really nasty posts on here.
OP, please don't think you have done anything wrong. When my Mum was in the hospice, she still wanted to hear about things that would be haooening.mshe hated talking about how she was, and wanted to know what was happening in everyone else's life. Some posters have been thoughtless and unkind to someone posting for support and advice.
Please don't 'not go'
Take on board 'being angry' is a very, very, very normal part of grief. Your dp is upset, as are his father and sister. However, this is a time to put all this aside and to go to the funeral and give thanks for his Mum's life. It is really important that he goes, and i feel you should be alongside him to support him.

If he doesn't go to the funeral the signal he is sending is that he doesn't give a fuck about his mother or his surviving relatives. He really must go.

This can be his chance to perhaps ease some burden of all the arrangements. Even if its just some flowers

Annesmyth as the mother of grown up children I would not be happy if one of my children judged their siblings like you have. My relationship with each one is different, not for any of them to judge.

As for being at the sharp end if my kids couldn't do it in love I would rather they didn't bother.

If my brother was getting married tomorrow, unless he apologised to me, and gave some sort of recognition that his behaviour had been out of order, I would send a polite "regret unable to attend" and to be honest. Even if he did apologise I don't know that I'd go to his wedding. It would feel too raw for me.

Op. I think your fiancé should go to the funeral. But I think he should be mindful of how his father and sister are likely to be feeling. I don't know should go or not. But I do think he needs to put significant time and effort to repair his relationship with his family or accept that he's going to have no relationship with them.

I hope you can sort it out in a way that causes the least upset possible.

Agree with PPs that OP's fiance should write to his father in a calm and thoughtful way just saying he's dreadfully upset, is there anything he can do to help, a few words or more about his mum. And put in there that he's sorry his DF thinks he wasn't in touch with DM but he was (daily/twice a week/whatever) via WhatsApp. And ask what he might do at the funeral to which you are both going ... being prepared for a grieved slap in the face but still going even if sitting at the back. I do understand the OP#s fiance may feel distraught at what is the first death he's known about (and so close) but he needs to grit his teeth and think of supporting his DF who's just lost his wife and the DS who was clearly more involved with his DM than distance allowed him to be.

Granny I nursed my mother every day in love until the minute she passed. I was there every day. Love isn't just a text or a what's app it's being there to talk to care to laugh to do the hard work the upsetting times.

And my mother can't control how I feel about my brother. She couldn't when she was alive either. He's a useless waste of skin who cares for no one but himself. He wouldn't and didn't ever put himself out for anyone else and he's a selfish toe rag. And that is my opinion. I tried to get him to come and visit. It was all she wanted. I rang him and begged in tears for him to come and all he ever said was I can't it's too hard for me. But I didn't do what I did for me. I did it for my mum. And that's what you do, in my view.

I rang him.

My daddy rang him.

The nurses rang him.

The doctors in the hospice rang him.

Please come to see her it's all she wants. She wants to see you before she dies. Please can you come.

And he said no.

That's not someone I have any respect for.

Not going to put the boot in more OP but having also lost someone to cancer recently I do agree that your DFs behaviour was possibly disappointing and upsetting from his family's point of view and they are probably dealing with things that he just can't appreciate. For example, visiting someone with cancer months away from death is very different to seeing someone hours away and watching them die. I was haunted by this and needed counselling and felt very let down by relatives who didn't 'step up to the plate'. I didn't want to watch the person I loved gasp for breath either, it was a brutal, harrowing death....But I stayed and held their hand because it wasn't about me, it was about being there to comfort them as they lay dying. To the poster who said the DF was there because he was texting his mum....You haven't a clue.

I share this only so you can understand why his family may be so upset....It is so very recent for them. I think there may be a way back, but I do think if you don't go to the funeral you will close the door for good. Your DF needs to show he can put himself out there, for his family, no matter how awkward it may be. I think if he goes to the funeral...The letter suggested by a pp is a good idea as is being low key, and accepting his Df and sister may need time to come round.

I also agree with the pp who suggested you might think twice about your future with this guy...He couldn't be there (not in a true, useful, visible way) for his mother when she was dying. That doesn't strike me as someone I'd want to rely on. And to hell with his excuses about being kept away, if I love someone and they're dying, wild horses aren't going to stop me seeing them in the hospice.

The fact that you had to question why his behaviour was appauling is also something you might want to think about.

I am really sorry op. I am clearly derailing and not helping.

I hope you get it sorted. Good luck.

I am going to hide the thread.

Anne, by doing it in love I was questioning you loved your mother I was questioning your feeling of somehow being superior to your brother because you did it.

To be honest with you it is coming across that it is all about you, why would he apologise to you? It was between him and his mother.

You seem very bitter, have you had any counselling, it might help.

You do seem to have taken over the thread so maybe we could focus on the OP?

Don't know whether he should go or not, but one thing that makes me absolutely furious, is when people say, " I couldn't handle seeing them so ill " . What if all family members took this pathetic attitude. No one likes to see a loved one ill and dying, and I am pretty sure the ill person is not too keen on it themselves, but my God , what a pathetic attitude. Stop thinking of yourself and just do it

He should go, scented you should go. You WERE sent the details. You can be respectful and in the background.

I feel you have been chucked into this really difficult situation without any sort of previous experience.

I totally get that you were probably just trying to make conversation when you mentioned your wedding. You probably wouldn't do it again if you had another chance at it. You came on here for advice and probably feel very hurt. But Op read how many think you should go.

What's done is done. This is your DPs chance to do something right.

I have the feeling that you and your DP ( and I don't mean this unkindly) don't realise the finality of this.

I am sorry op but I don't think your fiancé sounds very nice. He is either not telling you about the details of the fall out he had with his family or he is just a callous person. I would have a very dim view of a man who gets a call that his mum is diagnosed with terminal cancer and he doesn't get out of the house to get the next flight home to see her.
Sorry. It's his fault.

IT was me who recommended writing a letter up thread.

Can you not see that they have written to invite you both to the funeral and it would be the nail in the coffin of this relationship with his family if you didn't both go? Unforgivable. Period.

If they don't believe you should be in the family cars you ( I mean the pair of you) suck it up and say nothing. You greet everyone cordially and sincerely. You express sincere regrets that you didn't have more contact in her final months.

And you don't mention your wedding. Seriously, how hard is any of that in order to attend the funeral of your DM/ mil? If your dp cannot see that I would actually have doubts about how he may treat you and any DC you may have in the future. I sound tough but I'm simply trying to explain this is your last chance with the family. The letter was a massive olive branch. Don't ignore it.

OP. I think you're getting a bit of a harsh bashing here.

I don't think you've been intentionally heartless or insensitive. Who the fuck knows what the right thing to say or do in these situations is? There's no rule book and the etiquette is tricky, and hugely variable from family to family.

We have lost 4 close family members in 2 years. I don't think I always did the right thing at these times. I don't think I thought about what the right thing is. There were some things I didn't want to see or hear, and it could be said I should have been more present and actively involved. The horrible truth is that I didn't want to. I didn't want to see the indignity and sadness, I didn't want to do goodbyes, I didn't want last meaningful words. Even if other family members would have wanted it. I didn't.

I'm a bit of an ostrich. Sounds like your husband is too. We all process things differently.

You're not a cow OP.

It sounds like a difficult situation and emotions are high.

It often happens this way with a sudden illness and shockingly speedy death.

Anger abounds and often the person who isn't there gets allocated the blame. It's called scapegoating.

If your DH to be had a good relationship with his mother, and not such a good one with his father or sister, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

For those who are saying the dh2b has behaved badly, shame on you! He's just lost his mother and is also grieving. He did his best to visit, but it didn't work out, and then when he did, it was under hostile circumstances. He's repeatedly tried to contact, but was rebuffed.

It's not the ops job to tip toe about either. She's excited to get married and mentioned her wedding in passing. That's not rude at all, it's actually polite. Everyone was probably reeling with shock about the diagnosis and prognosis, but that's not the ops responsibility or fault.

OP I hope you enjoy your life with your DH and have a lovely wedding.

I would support your fiancé as well as I could, but ultimately the decision to go or not to go to him mum's funeral is his. Maybe he could do with grief counselling? I would think about suggesting your DH to be writing letters to everyone who would be there, explaining how uncomfortable he feels with the hostile situation.

I certainly think his family could do with grief counselling, but that's not his or your job to point out. They're grown ups and have to sort themselves out.

Condolences to your DH to be, and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.

OP, try to get your fiance to consider what his mum would have wanted. It's so important to honour the the deceased in this way. His dad and sister have sent him the details. He needs to go. Agree with PP about writing to his dad first. A lovely idea

I think this is a great example of getting out of a relationship what you put in.

Rather than raging at his treatment re: the funeral your partner would be better served by thinking about his behaviour following his mothers diagnosis.

He sounds incredibly self centred to me. Even now "it's all about him".

You should both go to the funeral and pay your respects - because that's what decent people do.

I don't think it was wrong of you to mention the wedding at all. People who are dying don't generally want sombre people round them, weeping and wailing, and talking about death in hushed tones,; they've made their peace with the world and like to hear things happening in the future. I feel pretty sure she was happy to see her son in love, meet his fiancé and listen to plans. She may not have been in a place to participate very much in the conversation.

However. I still cant get past all this text malarkey - and that goes for both parties. I cannot conceive that people break news of deaths to close relatives by text.

I think your fiancé however is thoughtless, I wont say selfish as I don't know the full family dynamic. He should have spent more time with his mother, he knew she was dying. I don't buy this 'cant see her dad doesn't want him there', if he cared enough he would have gone regardless.

The only advice I'll give is: watch how a man treats his mother because that is how he will treat you.

Op - there's so much your fiance could've done but didn't.

If it were my mother, even if I were told to stay away, I'd break down doors to see her.

It's sort of similar but a family member has terminal cancer. She doesn't have long left. We're all there every day. We want to spend time with her, recall our younger days, good times, tell her we love her & hear her tell us she loves us too. We spend as much time together as we can - and have done since her diagnosis in September.

I can't fathom why your partner hasn't made more effort.

The fact his father sent him a text message on the death of his mother speaks volumes. He has been no help, support or anything else to his mum, dad or sister.

One of my brothers live 60 miles away from my sick sister & drives every evening, just to say goodnight & tell her he loves her.

I'm sorry, he hasn't acted like a son should at all.

My sister's friend is due to get married next month. She more than likely won't be here to see it. But she wants to hear all the details & has told her friend she'll be with her in spirit.

I don't think either of you are wrong.
My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer as well in October and she too died recently.

We were never close before she was diagnosed and we weren't close after she was. Why would we be? We just didn't like each other and she made it perfectly clear that I was a disappointment to her. As she lived several hundred miles from me I visited her most (certainly not all) weekends and stayed with her for about half an hour and always in the presence of my father. I felt uncomfortable being alone with her - that started many years ago and why would it change as she was dying?
Anyway, when my father called t, say that the end was near I didn't go to see her. I wasn't upset, I wasn't sad and I had no desire to sit there and watch her die. In fact the last time I saw her we had an argument and I walked out. I feel no,guilt.

I went to the funeral with my husband, but we decided not to take the children - she wasn't bothered about her grandchildren so why cause them needless upset. At the end of the service - that was full of bollocks about what a wonderful woman she was - I walked out feeling nothing but relief.

Don't judge the actions of the OPs fiancé by the standards of normal happy families. Not all mothers deserve their children and in fact should not have had any.

After she died people kept telling me that it would hit me particularly hard as we had a difficult relationship. That hasn't happened and will not happen. She's gone, I don't miss her.