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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter in law, aibu?

407 replies

SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:47

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2017 19:10

Papa "Also surprised by the amount of people who seem to think that the OP should have kept quiet about the affair and let her son carry on shagging the OW." She should not have told the dil, it was a very unhelpful thing to do. It might have been the cause of the break up, it might not.VAs in had she not told they may have weathered that storm.

"If you were the wife, would you not feel gutted that your MIL had known about the affair for ages?" I would expect my MIL to urge Dh to end the affair. Nothing more.

My loyalty is to my kids.only of I felt they were putting their childrenor spouse in danger would I step in.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 18/03/2017 19:12

Thanks Bill - I read that, but it obviously didn't register at the time Blush.

Olympiathequeen · 18/03/2017 19:17

Feel very sorry for the OP who made one mistake and then compounded it. It's one thing to have your own moral code but alienating your son and his new DP was not the way to go.

Too late now but telling your DIL was wrong. Far better to have listened to your son and insist he tell his wife. You can support everyone and shouting at a woman who you didn't even know has resulted in this.

You really need to eat humble pie here if you want to keep contact with your gcs

Sallystyle · 18/03/2017 19:34

OP you acted disgustingly towards your son. Yes, his actions were awful but how you acted was disgusting and if you were my mum you would be out of my life.

DIL is an arsehole for leaving her kids and I would say that if DIL was a SIL.

Son had an affair which is shitty but not comparable to moving out, leaving the kids behinds with your new baby.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/03/2017 19:35

I am wondering how supportive the OP has been of her DS through out his life.

I suspect that his story would be worthy of the stately homes thread.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/03/2017 19:40

She now drinks but not to excess, we can happily share a few glasses of wine without her going overboard

Well hey that's ok. It's only the health of her unborn child that is at risk.

Can you not see how wrong this is?

needsahalo · 18/03/2017 19:42

She now drinks but not to excess, we can happily share a few glasses of wine without her going overboard

I don't read this as she has had a drink whilst pregnant. There is no time indicator in this sentence.

Chippednailvarnishing · 18/03/2017 19:44

She's an alcoholic, she shouldn't be drinking.

PurpleDaisies · 18/03/2017 19:46

She's an alcoholic, she shouldn't be drinking.

This with bells on.
I can't understand why anyone would have a few drinks with someone they knew to be an alcoholic, especially if they claimed to care about them.

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 20:08

I know of no alcoholic who is at the level of being medicated by their GP, that can have a few glasses of wine socially and stop there. I'm happy to be corrected though....

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/03/2017 20:17

I know several usually ones who drank in the way they did for an actual reason. When the reason stopped so did they

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 20:24

I know several usually ones who drank in the way they did for an actual reason. When the reason stopped so did they

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/03/2017 20:45

NeedsAsockamnesty
I know several usually ones who drank in the way they did for an actual reason. When the reason stopped so did they

So within the realm of the thread is that a way of blaming the OP's son for the alcoholism of his Ex wife?

ollieplimsoles · 18/03/2017 20:52

An OW is never a 'good guy' its always just sumbitch who cant stay in her own lane.

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 21:33

!I actually feel like I am in a parallel universe this evening

Willow2017 · 18/03/2017 22:15

Italian
You are missing the part where the OPs son wanted to discuss what was happening with her and she refused then went on to blab about him to the family and paid for sil to fight for custody despite dil's ' drink problem' requiring medical intervention.

Willow2017 · 18/03/2017 22:18

Stupid phone 'dil' not sil

emmyrose2000 · 18/03/2017 22:23

Those poor kids. First of all they're dumped by their so-called father so he can shack up with another woman and have a baby with her. Then they're dumped by their so-called mother so she can shack up with another man and have his baby.

Both so-called "parents" are disgusting, vile excuses for human beings. Do these children have any decent, non interfering, adults in their lives who'll actually put THEM first for a change?

CMamaof4 · 18/03/2017 22:36

He didn't "dump" them though he has 50/50 shared care... And looks to be having them full time whilst their mother is moving away with new baby and partner..
Not everyone stays together in relationships its just a fact of life, I was a child brought up in a household where my mum and dad stayed together and hated each other and it was horrible, Would have been much better for them to be apart. Families sometimes split for the right reasons, and ops son obviously plays a very active role in their lives, I would say out of anyone he is the only one thinking of his kids right now preparing to extend his contact to full custody, and worrying about how they are going to cope whilst their mum leaves and makes a new life for herself further away without her kids.
You are totally right that the kids should come first though! Which should be from everyone's stand point and include every one of her grandchildren.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 18/03/2017 23:21

Why exactly can she not take her children with her?

She is a fucking disgrace of a mother who doesn't deserve her children if she can swan off with a new man and leave her children behind. As someone who was abandoned by their mother, this will fuck them up.

You should not have sided with your DIL over your son. It wasn't for you to judge. Given she was an alcoholic, you have no idea what the state of their marriage was like. I couldn't live with an alcoholic. Your DIL has shown her true colours, she is a selfish bitch and you should try and patch things up with your actual child.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2017 00:05

I'm pleased to see the posters who don't think your husband having an affair is justification for totally abandoning and giving up custody of your kids have come out to play. Was genuinely thinking it was just me who thought that.

Shame on those who think otherwise.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 00:41

emmyrose having an affair it not at all a noble thing but it does not mean you dump your kids. And if the affair causes your marriage to end then, again, you not necessarily dumpy your kids.

Leaving your kids in the 'custody', or whatever the correct term is now, of the other parent and moving a long way away, that would certainly qualify as dumping in the eyes of those kids (I would imagine).

I am not someone with a massively high sex drive and can be quite happy to keep myself away from male temptations and faithful to my dh. But I can understand the failings in human being that mean some do have affairs. I don;t condone the affair but it doesn't equate to dumping your kids. This is my view whether the adulterer is the male or the female of the couple.

The other woman did not break her marital vows, as far as we know, and she may not have even known the OP's son was married when she met him. So I'm not going to blame her for the whole thing.

Marriages do break up for all kinds of reasons. And when they do it is very important for the children to be cared for. I believe in marriage but I also believe in divorce and I do not think anyone, female or male, should have to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 00:54

Bluntness I think several people have been on the son's side all along.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 01:04

I've been thinking about this issue of whether it is worse for a mother or father to abandon their kids.

For the record, as a parent, I think it is equally as bad whether a mum or a dad abandons a child. However, for a child I wonder if the perception of the loss is worse if it is one parent or the other.

In my head I had all these ideas about the mum being the one who carried the baby for 9 months, or the mum who may have breast fed the child, or the perception that it's worse if the mum leaves because generally mums are less likely to leave.

But after all that I come back to the idea of the primary care giver. Our son is adopted so he never lived in my womb or fed at my breast. But I was from the start the primary care giver for him and our birth dd. As much as the kids love their dad, their relationship with me is different and I think for quite a few children there will be one or other parent who is the primary care giver. I do feel this is more significant for younger kids, as kids get older I think things do even out more. These are just my opinions. So I do think the children will be devastated to lose either parent but if there mum has been the primary care giver it will be even harder, IMHO.

OP if you are still reading please do encourage their mother to stay local and to make a real commitment to all her children. Stop drinking wine with her and do something for the grandchildren based on what will be good for them and not just about your contact with them.

Headofthehive55 · 19/03/2017 08:08

I think it was the sons fault. I am shocked about the amount of posters who just think separating is a bit "hey ho" it happens!!

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