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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter in law, aibu?

407 replies

SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:47

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

OP posts:
BadLad · 19/03/2017 08:13

OP, it sounds like you have been an almighty interfering pain in the arse, and have made a bad situation worse than it already was.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 08:27

Head I never sid Hey Ho but it does happen, to a third or even a half of marriages and many have kids. So what are you going to do? What I think one should not do is take the side of the alcoholic parent over one's own son, tell all and sundry in the family one's own son's private business and even contemplate using your money to keep your grandchildren away from their own father.

So I am very much with BadLad on this!

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 08:42

I cant take the side if either parent they have both failed the children but i wont condem the mother for doing what many many fathers do without knowing why.
I wont praise ge father for stepping up either, caring for his children is just as much his job as the mothers.

WatchHowISoar · 19/03/2017 09:11

U would like to hear the son and dil stories. Something about this, with the op as the moral hero really reminds me of the way a friends Mil played both her and her husband: controlling interfering making this worse so they almost split up. She sided with the more vulnerable parent (as an alcoholic who is encouraged to share wine would be) just so she could control him. Thankfully it backfired on her. Sadly for her it was her dgc who called her out on it and have little to do with her.

Why back an alcoholic getting custody to the point of supporting money? Why not support 50/50?
Why tell you dil instead of talking to your ds when he wanted too? You could have made it clear he was to tell her or you would and forced his cheating hand. Instead you inserted yourself in the middle if the drama and kept it up by spreading the news!

It doesn't smack of good grandma to me to enable one of their parents to drink when an alcoholic or to create a strained relationship with the other. You should have not ignored or enabled your dil to drink. You should have confronted your son, likely heard more about the alcoholism and had him tell his wife. Let them sort the divorce and custody and been there for both and the kids. They may have been able to be more civil, and even had they not then both would have felt supported by you whilst you still maintain moral boundries by telling your son he's a shit and telling her she's selfish. Which an alcoholic who continues to drink is.

Procrastinator1 · 19/03/2017 10:46

Apologies if I have missed it, but why did you feel you had to support your DIL in the custody proceedings, OP?
Was it because of your moral stance on the adultery or because you felt she risked losing the children completely or something else?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 19/03/2017 15:11

I think it is worse when a mother leaves her children than a father. I didn't live with my father either but my mother leaving had a lot more impact on me than my father not bringing me up.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 16:20

Harry Sad sorry for you in this. I know several people whose um's died or deserted them while they were children and they were all very upset/affected by it.

Strangely I cannot think of any who grew up without a dad but there must be some. Maybe they simply do not talk about it as much.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 16:21

I mean so maybe it did not affect them so much.

clarkl2 · 19/03/2017 17:22

I think its admirable you are being so supportive of her

Lovelymess · 19/03/2017 17:23

First of all you are amazing!! You've gone above and beyond for her and your grandchildren. It'll be so hard on the children! But at least they have you trying so hard for them. I guess if her mind is made up there is not a lot you can do other than support her if it falls apart x

jayne1976 · 19/03/2017 17:32

Sorry - yes I agree fathers do it all the time and I find it shocking - love them one minute, not he next a new partners in tow, says you can't love hem at all!
They can easily transfer schools if she wanted!
Surely you and your kids come as a package - disgusting to dump your kids.

Lalala7 · 19/03/2017 17:33

She will have a new 'mother-in-law'...to her new baby...with her new partner - a new life, in a new part of the UK, living all the past behind...to be forgotten and erased most likely: unconsciously at least this is what she wants. There'll be no reason for her to travel to in effect introduce 'her new baby' & 'her new partner' to her ex-mother in law...
I would say that whilst we don't know the reasons behind her instability, it would be good for your grandchildren that you build bridges with your son, his new partner, and get to know your other grandchild - because you will represent stability to your grandchildren and be the only solid link between their pasts and their new life at home with their dad, new partner, new baby sibling. They will need you to be there, reliable, consistent, as you have been to them so far.
(well that is my guess)

Katakus · 19/03/2017 17:33

How could she leave them? Heartbreaking. Poor children. Not something I would ever choose to do. At least the children have you.

highinthesky · 19/03/2017 17:34

*Wow.. that takes a 'special' kind of woman to ditch her family and run off to start a new one.

Poor kids.*

^^ This with knobs on!

Nofunkingworriesmate · 19/03/2017 17:46

Totally shocked you told daughter in law and family about affair 100% not your business
Being mean yo new woman horrible and shit stirring totally not necessary
If you had Kept your mouth shut the whole family would have happier relationships
You don't have to lie, if asked directly just say " I'd rather keep out of it"
Giving money to DIL was also muddying waters

Tess123 · 19/03/2017 18:00

I think you are, and always have been, tremendously helpful to your daughter-in-law.
She's already made the decision to leave (without her kids,& I don't agree either!). But, you've kept the door open for her to easily visit her them regularly. Something she may not have done, or been able to do. Your option provides continuity and stability for your grandchildren. I think that's wonderful! They need their Mum in their life, and your kindness has allowed that to happen.

'Cus she was going anyway!!

I wish you were my MIL!

Rojak · 19/03/2017 18:07

I think the OP is the OW and posting this as a reverse.

Tess123 · 19/03/2017 18:08

Get to know your new daughter-in-law. At least she has the advantage of knowing you won't cover for your son if he does it again. Trust me, that'll be a good thing! We know, when a man cheats once, he can do it again. MIL on your side always helps.

Dunno what you need to say to your son.......

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/03/2017 18:26

Katakus

given that the OP sold her son down the river, bad mouthed his partner, etc.

There is a very good chance (and this is the reason I believe that the OP posted) that the GC won't have her.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 19/03/2017 18:35

Personally I don't see how any parent can leave their children!! She's a beast!

Starlight2345 · 19/03/2017 18:36

willow2017 summed up my thoughts..

I am left wondering where your DP is in all of this , whether he had an affair because you seemed to be overly upset he had an affair. I expect his wife to be..There is something odd in the language that you still refer to her as DIL.

You don't have to condone your DS having an affair to not take sides. Your DS has every right to feel the way he does.

If I was in your position . I would apologise to his New DP. You have behaved very badly towards her and she cares for your GC . Appologise to your DS for taking sides and actually start been in partial. I would ask your DS what he would like you to do and support him for once.

HeeHighls · 19/03/2017 18:41

"You really need to eat humble pie here if you want to keep contact with your gcs"

There we go again. Always the Gc. never the child.

How about contact with her son? The grandchildren should be secondary.

OnionKnight · 19/03/2017 18:41

If this is true I'm not surprised that your son wants nothing to do with you OP, you sound awful and so does the ex wife to be honest.

But I am calling reverse.

brianna5 · 19/03/2017 18:46

Sorry silver doo,

You should have never interfered the way you did. You should have helped your son into counselling as its hard been with an alcoholic.
Seems to me his wife wasn't happy in the relationship anyway so you helped make it a lot easier for her to leave her family.
Can't imagine breaking my sons home and leaving the grandkids without a mother in tow now.
Even if it was my daughter I won't interfere, I would rather get them the help they needed at least they would have worked at it. He had an affair whilst his wife was an alchoholic. It's obvious he needed some form of support and this lady was there to offer it, that is what you should have done. I am not judging just stating maybe that's why OW isn't keen on spending time with you.
She met your son at vulnerable state and she was picking up the pieces and not you, I would do the same. As you didn't punish ur son, but punished the kids with interfering the wrong way.

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/03/2017 18:49

I wonder about what else is going on that you thought your grandchildren were better off with an alcoholic than someone who had an affair? You give very few details (this is only an Internet forum!) so it's hard to be sure, but from what you've said, your exDIL doesn't sound like the most capable parent - her ability to put her children first seems even more compromised than your DS's.

If your exDIL is going anyway, then offering your home on weekends is not facilitating it. It will however facilitate her visiting her children. I do wonder if that's for the best though, given her inability to put them first. I don't really subscribe to this idea the children are better off with everyone bending over backwards to facilitate visitation by unreliable parents.

However, I f you want to secure your relationship with your grandchildren, you are probably better off whole heartedly asking for forgiveness from your son and his new partner and trying to mend those fences, which will mean cutting some ties with the exDIL. Because you have other grandchildren through him too, you'll have a hard time keeping up with the other ones if you can't build a strong relationship with him. And given her track record, I think you should expect exDIL to come up less and less to visit, meaning your access to DGC through her will taper off. Also, all your grandchildren would benefit from not having their father and step-mother at odds with their paternal grandmother.

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