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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter in law, aibu?

407 replies

SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:47

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

OP posts:
SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 18:15

Sookies, you clearly know nothing about alcoholism.

Bill how dare you!!

You know nothing about me ir my life.

My own father is an alcoholic. He has been my whole life. He was in the army for many years and he progressed from a big drinker to a full on alkie.
My dad drinks everyday.
Before he retired he would start as soon as ge got home. He worked from 15 until 63 when redundancy gorced retirement.
Now he stars at 11:30am.
He plans his days activities around his next drink.
He is never aggressive and as when i was young he cared for 3 dc after school while mum worked.
He never put us in danger and was/is a good loving father.
BUT he is an alcoholic and I was well into adulthood before I realised it.

So dont you dare tell me I know nothing. Fucking assumptions make you look like a dick.

MissingPanda · 18/03/2017 18:16

The DIL could have been a functioning alcoholic, still able to look after her children. We don't have enough information to ascertain either way.

I did ask earlier but will ask again because it was a genuine question. If residency is 50/50 would the DIL be able to take the children with her or could the DS stop her?

SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 18:16

*Typos are due to anger sorry.

nat73 · 18/03/2017 18:20

How come people are shocked the DIL may move away from her kids but no one bats an eyelid at the fact the son has moved in with someone else and has another family??

Willow2017 · 18/03/2017 18:21

He is their father not a stranger he is looking after his children just like the mum had to do when he buggered off and had a kid with ow hmm Thats not stepping up thats parenting.

OP alludes to the fact that she gave dil money to fight for custody, and lets face it when you are fighting for custody and can get a good solicitor in 90% of cases the mother will get custody before the father, despite the fact that she had a drink problem and went against her own son who obviously wanted custody.

I think it was basically OP knew that the dil was vulnerable and she could exert influence over her by being 'the support system' for her and continue to see the dgc when it suited her.

OP doesnt care a fig for anyone but herself and her 'right' to see her dgc. I wonder if her son will minimise contact so that they are not poisened by her interference any more.

When my ex left his parents were very supportive but they also kept full contact with him..as I would have expected. They were under no illusions of his particular selfishness (he didnt have an affair at the time) and would ensure I knew of their disaproval but NEVER maliciously badmouthed him in front of me or kids, they would address any issues making it plain they disaproved but he is their son, I dont want to come between them.

His mum is capable of having an adult conversation about him, acknowledging his failings without being a bitch yet still supporting me and the kids. They accepted his new partner and the kids they have together as its their son, they want him to be happy long term. They cant change what happened, they can only make the best of it for the future and all their grandkids.

As a consequence kids have a good relationship with him and their granparents, he is the one who takes them to visit their grandparents (they live hours away) and they visit with us. Its much better for everyone concerned.

deckoff · 18/03/2017 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2017 18:25

Sookies the difference may be he was booted out but he still left an unhappy marriage.

HeeHighls · 18/03/2017 18:27

"Surely this thread has to be some sort of a reverse?"
Maybe, but useful to some.

There is always a snippit to be gleaned from a thread.

BillSykesDog · 18/03/2017 18:27

Jesus Christ. Fucking Mumsnet. It's a woman so it's all 'but, but, alcoholics can be brilliant parents, she must have been a functioning alcoholic (functioning alcoholics are good at hiding it from outside, not at not doing damage), my Dad was an alcoholic and he was a brilliant Dad'.

Can you tell me how you square this image of perfect alcoholic parents with the fact she is an alcoholic drinking while pregnant? Fucking mother of the year.

But a man who has an affair when they have an alcoholic partner is an apparently a complete bastard. Riiiiight.

SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 18:32

You are nasty Bill

My father is a good father. He is loving and provided for his family but he is still an alocolic. I have not posted about it to gain sypmpathy for the mum but to show you your dick assumption about me knowing nothing was wrong.

I would bever be as vile as you just have been. Disgusting.

HeeHighls · 18/03/2017 18:33

Don't know how to edit above, but I'd always say put your children first and why wouldn't you?

I just don't get putting GC before children. Why?

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 18/03/2017 18:34

I'm a bit confused - the OP said her DIL had a drink problem. There's a big difference between having a drink problem and being an alcoholic. And I say this as a daughter of an full-blown alcoholic mother myself.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 18/03/2017 18:34

He is also upset as I felt that the children would be best off with my daughter in law after the fair happened and they separated. I offered to assist my daughter in law with legal fees. I didn't want them to live with the other woman.

Why did you think the grandchildren were better with your dil rather than your son? To the extent you would pay her legal fees?
Was it to keep them away from the OW?
Or because you genuinely thought your dil offered better care?
I'm confused why you backed your dil over your son to such a great extent

Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2017 18:35

Because Nat there is no suggestion he has moved away hence caring for dcs 50/50. He has moved into a different house , which happens when couples split up.

The affair was his fault. His wife and he split. But once a marriage ends, due apparently to an affair but we do not have full story, the family continues but in two places.

Loads of couples get divorced. Families move on. What he did was wrong. I don 't defend any man or woman who as an affair.

But once a marriage is over then the priority, if there are kids, are the kids.He did move away as the dil is planning to do.

BillSykesDog · 18/03/2017 18:40

Incidentally my Dad was a 'functioning alcoholic' who was at the top of his career.

I've since found out from my Mum that she was bloody good at keeping it from us and keeping him functioning. She hid the pissy sheets, she woke him up out of his stupor and got him to work, she made excuses when he shat himself on holiday in front of all of their friends, she never had a single hand with the housework or washing. She was the taxi service for her kids every night because he was permanently over the limit.

Behind every 'functioning alcoholic' there is either a partner or relative running themselves into the ground or a lot of paid help.

You probably have no idea how much your mother protected you from. Or this man his kids.

ollieplimsoles · 18/03/2017 18:43

sookie with the greatest of respect, you need to try not to take bill's comments personally Flowers

I'm sure your dad is a good one, but many children of alcoholic parents suffer very much, as I'm sure you can understand. My fil's childhood was ruined by an alcoholic parent, and my stepfathers'.

Take a step back from the thread, the situation is fucked up however you look at it.

BillSykesDog · 18/03/2017 18:43

ChrisYoung, 14:52 today the OP posted:

She was an alcoholic and receiving medication from her doctor at the time of the affair.

ollieplimsoles · 18/03/2017 18:44

Behind every 'functioning alcoholic' there is either a partner or relative running themselves into the ground or a lot of paid help

Yeah this was totally my mum in the early days before my dad got sober.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 18/03/2017 18:45

Your son, DIL, OW all have behaved badly here. It doesn't matter who has behaved worst - and as we only have one side of the story we really don't know.

What is important is trying to make a stable life for your grandchildren, who are suffering lots of change, and helping them feel safe and loved.

With that in mind, I would build whatever bridges you can, and do your upmost to get along with all three of them (except do get the money back from your dil from her house).

Yes you dislike the OW. I can see why. But arguing with her won't change anything, and will make things worse for your grandchildren, and make it harder for you to see them in future. Reach out an olive branch, for the sake of your grandchildren (all of them). Frankly if she and your son did separate now, it would be awful for your grandchildren to have yet more upheaval. So what do you possibly want to achieve now by being nasty to her?

I would step back from your dil. Be nice to her, but don't be proactive offering her a place to stay if she moves. Let her come to her own decision about where to live. If she does move then yes discuss how you can help contact. But visiting every weekend is really unlikely to continue once she has a new baby, so I wouldn't promote that as a solution.

Papafran · 18/03/2017 18:51

I am confused about this one and the responses. Usually, any mention of an OW on here an everyone piles in and says that she is an evil bitch etc. But then we have an outpouring of sympathy and this:

Two children are going to join dad and his wife, plus their baby. That is cause for celebration. She must be a good woman

Right, yeah, she must be a saint. And people saying that the OP behaved disgustingly towards her for shouting at her in the street. Why the sudden sympathy for a woman who broke up a family?

Also surprised by the amount of people who seem to think that the OP should have kept quiet about the affair and let her son carry on shagging the OW. If you were the wife, would you not feel gutted that your MIL had known about the affair for ages?

Then the crap about how the OP finding out about the affair was what caused the marriage to break down and that otherwise it would have survived.

And of course the sexist crap about how women are natural nurturers and this mum will burn in hell for what she is doing.

I actually feel like I am in a parallel universe this evening.

SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 18:51

You probably have no idea how much your mother protected you from.

Again with the assumptions.

My dad was up for work 2 hours before any of us including my mum. He used to wake me up when I was working.
He never fell over in front of us or pissed himself. Mum would not have stood for that she is a strong women she just happens to me married to an alcoholic.

Thanks Ollie but Bill made it personal when she said I did not know what I was talking about.

Bill please stop addressing me and making your shit assumptions about me. You have fuck all ownership or knowledge of what every alcoholic is like and I dont know how you dare think you do.

Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2017 19:02

Sorry Nat that should say...
He did not move away as the dil is planning to do.

DistanceCall · 18/03/2017 19:03

It is possible to show kindness to your DIL while respecting your son (and his new partner), you know.

milliemolliemou · 18/03/2017 19:06

Where's the OP?
I was going to suggest she, exDIL, new DIL and DS sit down to discuss arrangements for the benefit of the children. Clearly, in my dreams.

  1. New DiL won't want to talk to OP after being shouted at in the street and blamed for everything.
  2. DS won't want to talk to OP after she supported exDiL in the ?custody battle? and money thereafter to say nothing of shouting at his OW in the street and telling the family about his "sins".
  3. Ex-DiL just wants to go her merry way with the new family - though OP clearly should be asking for her money back from the property she helped her to buy and put it into a fund for all the existing children. And as OP I would be asking Ex-DiL if she'll commit to the visits with a new baby, what she thinks she's doing to her existing children and why she doesn't take them with.
HeeHighls · 18/03/2017 19:08

Of all the sorry players in this saga, I nominate the OW as being the good guy.
Suddenly taking on two young people is a huge ask along with their baby.
If this thread is true, I wish the son and his partner all the best with their new family of five.

The reason I doubt this thread, is the MIL has never regretted giving the money nor wants it back.