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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter in law, aibu?

407 replies

SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:47

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2017 17:06

Bluntness as I said before I am a very forgiving person but I would find that action almost unforgivable.

I would find it hard to believe that person had my children's best interests at heart nor that they really cared for their grandchildren.

ollieplimsoles · 18/03/2017 17:10

Heel has it completely.

MissingPanda · 18/03/2017 17:14

FunnyOnion your post came across, to me, that you felt your opinion held more weight, than any other poster, because you are a mother. If that wasn't your intention then I have misinterpreted and I apologise.

As for dads having it easier than mums when leaving children, imo they do but shouldn't. It should be equal judgement of both, neither is better/worse. Sadly much of society does judge mums more harshly than dads. I'm not particularly angry though and I am capable of discussion when I have the time and, preferably, a proper keyboard.

HeeHighls · 18/03/2017 17:15

"that I am assisting her departure in order to get time with my grandchildren."
So you are. I'm asking Silver, why are your GC more important than your Son?

Willow2017 · 18/03/2017 17:34

He is also upset as I felt that the children would be best off with my daughter in law after the fair happened and they separated. I offered to assist my daughter in law with legal fees. I didn't want them to live with the other woman.

Your dil had a drink problem yet you thought that the kids would be better with with her than with their father? And to keep her sweet you continue to 'have a few drinks with her' - what so she can prove to you that she is capable of handling it now? Encouraging someone who had an alcohol problem to continue drinking is beyond selfish. You really dont give a damm about anyone but yourself do you?

You assisted her against your own son?

You told eveyone what your son had done but when DIL behaved badly you did nothing about it apart from continue to side with her no wonder your son feels betrayed.

You openly sided with her against your son without giving him the opportunity to talk to you, his own mother about what happened?

YOu refused to discuss what was happening with your own son to help him sort it out/leave the relationship as well as possible for the sake of the kids.

You accosted the ow in the street? Real classy.

You KNEW that your dil was doing things to make things worse betweeen her and son/kids yet you didnt think to pull her up on that?

And now she is taking off with her new bf and quite happy to leave the kids with your son and you are pissed off?

You better do some plain talking/apologising to rescue your relationship with your son and his partner although they may not give a stuff what you want by now and I wouldnt blame them.

DistanceCall · 18/03/2017 17:37

Your son left his alcoholic wife for another woman.

You refused to hear his side of the story, told the rest of the family (in your own terms), and have sided with his ex-wife because it suited you and because you didn't want your grandchildren to spend a lot of time with your son's new partner.

Now the ex-wife has decided she wants a new family and is going to dump the children on your son. Using your money.

Seriously, the lack of respect you have for your son is breathtaking. Just desserts and all that.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 18/03/2017 17:39

I suspect that a lot of the posts on here haven't been what the OP was hoping for, and I doubt she'll be back.

Hulder · 18/03/2017 17:41

Heel has it completely. I am mystified by parents who are so excited by grandchildren they effectively forget they are ignoring their own child - who understandably gets pissed off.

We just don't know whether your DS was cracking living with an alcoholic and the arrival of his DP gave him the impetus to leave the marriage or whether your DIL was knocking back the wine due to the stress of knowing DS was cheating on her. Neither did you. But you guessed and you didn't come out on your DS's side.

All that will save you know is total and complete apologies to your son, repeatedly saying you got it very wrong and were a terrible parent and you can understand totally why he doesn't like you and you will do anything within your power to make amends.

ollieplimsoles · 18/03/2017 17:41

I dont think her son deserves much respect. He's been praised for sharing custody of the kids 50/50, even though he's an equal parent so it should be expected...and he's the one who fucked off with an ow then shacked up with her. No one is coming out of this looking great...

Whocansay · 18/03/2017 17:42

You made your own bed here, OP.

You son sees your continued interference and is rightly angry. What he did was wrong, but it doesn't exactly sound as if your DIL is an angel. And now she's ditching her own children. Nice.

I suggest you start apologising for your interference and build some bridges with your son, or you won't see your grandchildren at all.

SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 17:44

Spot on Ollie but dad will be praised for stepping up Hmm and mum is the evil monster who deserves a special place in hell.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/03/2017 17:49

He's been praised for sharing custody of the kids 50/50, even though he's an equal parent so it should be expected...and he's the one who fucked off with an ow then shacked up with her. No one is coming out of this looking great

He is still seeing his kids. Their DM is fucking off elsewhere, reducing her contact. If it was a DF doing that on here he would be lynched and yes terms such as 'special place in hell' have been used against absent fathers. It makes no difference here just because the mother is the one walking away.

BillSykesDog · 18/03/2017 17:49

I don't think the mother is doing anything wrong here. It's a sad fact that people often don't have much of a choice where they live these days because of the price of housing and work constraints. Often one parent moves further away.

She was an alcoholic for much of her children's lives. So she probably wasn't the primary carer and most likely her care was inconsistent, potentially very dangerous and her behaviour frightening for her children. As such the father is probably a much more stable figure in the children's lives and her leaving them is probably a better option than taking them away from their Dad.

IMO as a parent drinking to the point of alcoholism is far, far worse than having an affair. An affair isn't going to cause you to endanger your children's life or frighten them out of their wits and alcoholism will.

I also think an alcoholic doesn't really have much of a claim on their partner. Their partner isn't in a functioning relationship anymore. Wiping up their piss and shit, cleaning up their injuries and trying to hide the worst from your children, dealing with their self loathing and hangovers where they can't function makes you more of a nursemaid or carer than anything else.

I think it's very difficult for men with children with alcoholics too. They know if they do leave then there's a very high chance the mother will get custody the majority of the time and they will be effectively abandoning their children to an alcoholic. I don't think it's as easy as just leaving when it's the woman who has a drink problem, there's too much chance you will be abandoning the kids to a horrible life.

The OP has behaved dreadfully and if I was her son I would have made sure she never saw them again. Telling the wife and then battling him for custody to hand his children to an alcoholic and continuing to drink with her is absolutely horrendous behaviour.

BillSykesDog · 18/03/2017 17:50

He is their father not a stranger he is looking after his children just like the mum had to do when he buggered off and had a kid with ow hmm Thats not stepping up thats parenting.

What do you think he was doing when the mother was pissed off her nut? She wasn't bothered about parenting then was she?

Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2017 17:53

Sookies I do not think dad is being praised, rather defended. The OP has behaved appallingly the dil is about to behave appallingly.

The son had an affair, bad, left a presumably unhappy marriage (which I won't judge him for), has had 50/50 care of kids (fine) and will now get almost 100% care (presumably); he's only looking good by comparison to the OP and dil !!

SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 17:53

No idea if she was pissed off her nuts.
OP has made no comment on her inability to care for the DC or how her drinking affected that.
I would imagine if she was such an unstable mother the dad would have taken the DC with him and not left them in her care. I mean what sort of parent leaves their children in the care of somebody pissed off their nut Hmm

SookiesSocks · 18/03/2017 17:56

I dont think he left an unhappy marriage so much as was booted due to him fucking another women. But of a diffetence there Italian

NotaSnowflake · 18/03/2017 17:57

Hang on OP you gave the impression in a comment further up, that there was at some point the suggestion of your grandchildren living with their father when him & your DIL split after the affair??? That's the biggest load of nonsense I've ever heard!! Isn't it bad enough that she lost her husband? But to possibly lose (primary care of) her kids too? Wow. Then again, she's walking away from them now.... I have to be honest, it sounds like there is a small possibility that she subconsciously resents those kids for being his??

HeeHighls · 18/03/2017 18:00

Two children are going to join dad and his wife, plus their baby. That is cause for celebration. She must be a good woman.

I hope the Dil stays away and leaves the 5 to get on with it and without the MIL interference.

BillSykesDog · 18/03/2017 18:03

Sookies, you clearly know nothing about alcoholism. Alcoholics don't drink every now and then or just have a few glasses of wine. The OP admits she was an alcoholic. Alcoholics are not capable of being good, capable, consistent or safe parents. It's that simple. What exactly do you think alcoholics do with their time? Drink a bottle of vodka then what? Baking? A little bit of arts and crafts? Softplay? Or passing out in a pool of their own vomit and piss?

As far as I can see he didn't really have much of a choice. The marriage broke up when his MIL told him. The people around him who could have supported him in a bid to have the children with him full time (e.g. his mother) sided with his drunk ex. I imagine it would be pretty hard for him to obtain full custody when his own mother was denying there was a problem despite knowing full well there was.

Her primary relationship was with booze. She put that before her kids, before her husband, before her health.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/03/2017 18:05

I dont think he left an unhappy marriage so much as was booted due to him fucking another women.

As you don't know him, her or their marriage you can't say that can you?

It is coming accross that the DM in your eyes can do nothing wrong.

BillSykesDog · 18/03/2017 18:05

She now drinks but not to excess, we can happily share a few glasses of wine without her going overboard

She is a pregnant alcoholic and shouldn't be drinking at all.

needsahalo · 18/03/2017 18:06

Wow. Misogyny alive and well as usual. I am glad you showed your DIL kindness following your son's affair. All too often families close ranks, accept the new partner and leave the ex bereft. The sense of loss is enormous and is life changing and difficult to handle. My ex had an affair and I can assure you I didn't have children to not see them and have them cared for by a parent with no moral compass and a partner who despised me. It was very, very hard.

I hope you are able to work things out with your son going forwards. Don't let the naysayers get you down.

ComeOnSpring · 18/03/2017 18:06

YABU

You need to speak to your son.

If 'DIL' is moving south and seeing her kids less, that doesn't sound great on her part.

You also have another grandchild (your sons girlfriend), who you need to consider. And don't seem to be forming a relationship with.

BillSykesDog · 18/03/2017 18:07

That's the biggest load of nonsense I've ever heard!! Isn't it bad enough that she lost her husband? But to possibly lose (primary care of) her kids too? Wow.

Yeah. That is a slight risk that you take when you put drinking before your kids.

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