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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter in law, aibu?

407 replies

SilverDoo · 18/03/2017 13:47

My son and Daughter in law were married for 5 years and have two children.

The separated 3 years ago after my son had an affair. They seemed fairly happy, although I know daughter in law had/has a drink problem which may have contributed.

When I found out about the affair I told my daughter in law as I didn't want to collude with my son. They separated, my son carried on seeing the other woman (they are still together and have a 1 year old daughter.)

I supported my daughter in law, she came to live with my for a while and I helped her with money towards a new property. I see my daughter in law and the children once a week for a meal.

The children share their time equally between both parents. My son and daughter in law do not get on well. I don't speak to my son often, he says he feels betrayed by me.

My daughter in law is now expecting a baby. She plans to move to live with her boyfriend down south, quite a way from here. She plans to sell her house and drastically reduce the time she spends with her children.

I think it's a bad idea but have said she can stay with me on the weekends she comes back to see her children. Is this unreasonable of me, am I aiding her departure?

OP posts:
MadMags · 19/03/2017 18:51

This is bullshit. Or a reverse.

If not, you chose your EX dil over your own son and now she's fucking off!

But you want to facilitate her coming back more often so you can see the children who will be living with your son...

Oh, and who gives a shit about your other gc, right? Not your dil's so you care less?

As I said, this is either bollox or karma!

brianna5 · 19/03/2017 18:52

Well it's all done now and think you are feeling guilty.

Your exDIL would have left the marriage anyway. Her moving away and all shows as it seems her actions are justified.
Nothing wrong with her starting a new life and even if it was the dad. I'm sure a new partner would be aware of the children so would sacrifice moving closer to you for the kids sake as the kids should be either parents priority.
It's hard been a kid with an alcoholic parent, then a broken home and now a parent been miles away.

Please focus all your energy on the grandkids and let your daughter in law be please. She is an adult but make sure you stay close enough so you encourage her relationship with the Grand kids

Rowenag · 19/03/2017 18:58

I agree with that last post too. You sound kind and supportive and I think it was noble to help your daughter in law when your son left her. I am shocked that she is going to leave her young children by moving away from them and it breaks my heart a little bit but by offering to help her see them you are keeping their Mum in their lives as much as you can. I think you should also try to make peace with your son though, especially as he will now have full custody as it is a shame this relationship has broken down. People have been harsh on here, I don't think you have done anything wrong, just been part of a messy situation which you have tried to help with, mainly with your grandchildren in mind.

Benedikte2 · 19/03/2017 19:04

OP didn't say DIL was an alcoholic just that she has/had a drink problem. -- this may have been nothing more than getting drunk when they went out occasionally. From the info given she can't be categorised as an alcoholic who drove her husband into the arms of another woman.

MudCity · 19/03/2017 19:07

I think you are being wonderful OP and a great support. You are not merely doing this for her but also your grandchildren. It is admirable.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 19:07

Add message | Report | Message poster SilverDoo Sat 18-Mar-17 14:53:57
She was an alcoholic and receiving medication from her doctor at the time of the affair. She now drinks but not to excess, we can happily share a few glasses of wine without her going overboard.

The op says she was a medicated alcoholic.

MudCity · 19/03/2017 19:10

Agree wholeheartedly with Rowenag

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 19:18

Rosen Would you see it as helpful if your own mum sides with your alcohloc ex over you in terms of custody of your own kids, having told you ex about your affair and all the other family members too?

Because I don't see that as supportive at all.

No one here has approved of the affair.

The OP could have supported from the side lines without favouring one or other of the couple.

It wouldnpt have meant she approved of the affair.

38cody · 19/03/2017 19:19

What the fuck did you go and tell your DIzl that your own DS was having an affair for! ?!
No wonder he's feeling betrayed by you - where's your loyalty to your son - now has the kids and you won't see them much because you backed the wrong horse?!?!
Tough - should have thought if that before you took sides and betrayed him to the woman who is leaving her children.

StarUtopia · 19/03/2017 19:23

Bloody hell. What sort of mother abandons her own children just to set up 'home' again and have another baby? Literally Speechless.

PodgeBod · 19/03/2017 19:24

The biggest surprise is that your son speaks to you at all or that you have been allowed to meet his baby, who you don't sound bothered about seeing. Or is the baby tainted by the affair as well?

Original poster
SilverDoo · 19/03/2017 19:38

Hi. I've been reading all the posts and deliberating what to say/do. I wasn't sure whether to come back or not but decided I should.

Basically, yes, this is a revers. I am really sorry if you feel I've been dishonest. I can absolutely see why this would upset people as you have all invested time, emotion and energy into the thread, which I sincerely and massively appreciate.

So I am the 'son'... Actually the daughter. I had an affair. I know this was a fucking shitty thing to do and there is not a day goes past where I don't feel crushing guilt. DH was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive to one of our DC. He beat me up when he found out. Despite this my mother did everything I have stated.

The reason I reversed it is because I cannot cope with being a pariah, I've been in therapy for year but a still feeling very alone and anxious. I couldn't cope with a flaming but wanted the options of mumsnetters as I do believe it's generally correct!

My children are absolutely my priority.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 19/03/2017 19:41

The backtracking starts now.

PurpleDaisies · 19/03/2017 19:42
Hmm
Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 19:43

I knew it was a reverse. The thing is, once you reverse it isn't the truth not really. You can't know what your mothers motivation was.

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 19:44

Peddle peddle peddle Sad

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 19/03/2017 19:46

OK, this is confusing...

Who is actually pregnant and deserting their existing children here?

38cody · 19/03/2017 19:48

FFS - save it for the therapist

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/03/2017 19:50

Actually the daughter. I had an affair.

This is why reverses are so stupid.

There are pages and pages of posters having a go at the DF for having an affair, how he abandoned his DC etc yet all along it was the DM that fucked someone else.

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 19:51

Who is actually pregnant and deserting their existing children here?

Dad is deserting kids for new family.
Dad was alcoholic.
Mum/OP had the affair and has a 1 yo.
MIL supported dad because mum had the affair.

April229 · 19/03/2017 19:52

No advice but I have to say I think you've been really decent to her, and YANBU for felling the way you do. I'm not sure you can influence things much but you have done everything you can to try and create a positive set up for your grandchildren.

Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 19:53

Did you abandon your dc?

rubyandbumpsmum · 19/03/2017 19:53

I'm very confused now... So you have a new baby and partner now and your mum has shunned you and your baby basically. Your ex is buggering off and your kids are living with you now full time too? Is this right? Xx

Original poster
SilverDoo · 19/03/2017 19:58

Yes Ruby that's right. No I didn't abandon DC. Ex is leaving.

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 19/03/2017 19:59

This has been a total ballix