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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be gutted by my sons comment?

160 replies

ThatWhiteElephant · 17/03/2017 19:32

So on Sunday I'll be in town. Son (14) will be in town too, with his friends.
Just got told by son "if you see me on Sunday with my friends don't talk to me and just ignore me."
Gobsmacked I am!
Are all teenaged boys like this?

OP posts:

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 19/03/2017 17:41

CheshireEditor I don't think being a teen is a green card to being rude. We can certainly empathise and understand but he has to be encouraged to do the same and if his behaviour is hurtful he needs to know that. Also I doubt any book explains literally everything about any topic whatsoever, least of all kids.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 19/03/2017 17:42

Cheshire You're sounding increasingly like an advert.

Grilledaubergines · 19/03/2017 17:43

Completely normal with teen girls and boys.

If I was out with friends having dinner and drinks now, I wouldn't want my mother coming over.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/03/2017 17:45

Oh yes, I used to be like that, I remember, parents are sooo cringeworthy

Grilledaubergines · 19/03/2017 17:45

If not already recommended, this is a great book.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/03/2017 17:46

No, I woulden't either Grilled, she is so embarassing and so out of touch with modern life. She would probably grill me at spending too much money, make sure that I don't get fat, if I am eating out!

knowler · 19/03/2017 17:49

I remember one of the most mortifying experiences of my teenage years being my dad turning up to pick me up from a party being held in a nightclub (we were only 14/15 but the parents giving the party owned it) and despite having been given strict instructions to stay in the car and wait for me, he turned up 10 mins early, came into the club, gave me a huge obvious wave and proceeded to pootle round inspecting the bar etc. I could have killed him especially as he was wearing a stupid Sherlock Holmes type hat and waistcoat he wore for gardening. I will never forgive him

Aeroflotgirl · 19/03/2017 17:53

Knowler that is funny, bless your dad.

BackforGood · 19/03/2017 17:55

YABU and ridiculously over sensitive to 'be gutted'.
Very normal phase for teens to go through.
It's great fun being an adult of teens - so easy to embarrass them

BertrandRussell · 19/03/2017 17:55

He is being rude. Rude things are still rude even if they are said by a teenager and are understandable. How will they learn how to treat people with kindness and sensitivity if they aren't shown/told how?

But take the lead from him about how you relate to him in public. My ds has two circles of friends- one (his proper close friends) I am allowed to chat to quite normally. The other I am too posh and "weird" for. That's fine- he has to deal with them every day and I don't want to make it difficult for him!

BackforGood · 19/03/2017 17:56

*parent of teens - no idea why I wrote 'adult'

BertrandRussell · 19/03/2017 17:57

And please don't try to embarrass them on purpose. Why would you do that?

pilates · 19/03/2017 18:07

Yep totally normal, nothing to worry about.

In a couple of years they will grow out of it.

missymayhemsmum · 19/03/2017 18:28

YANBU to be upset, all you do for him but apparently you are now officially 'embarrassing'.
Take the piss out of him mercilessly for this, (being too 'embarrassing' to give him a lift/ iron his clothes/pay for his hobbies ahould make him get over himself) but not ever in front of his friends. Being 14 and desperate to be cool is soo hard.
hang on in there, in a few years you will walk down the street with your gorgeous youth, and he'll put an arm round your shoulders, and offer to carry your shopping.

unlucky83 · 19/03/2017 18:55

bertrand I'm semi joking when I said I am getting my revenge for when she embarrassed me as a toddler. If she was truly mortified I wouldn't...
But...part of being a teen is feeling self conscious etc. Your ears stick out too much, your nose is too big, you aren't cool enough, you haven't got the right clothes ...and you (they) can worry about things like this too much. And sometimes you need to try and help them see how ridiculous that is. The world won't end because they get embarrassed once ...over something that isn't really embarrassing.
They don't have to be 'cool' to be liked and happy - they are fine just as they are.

DD was bullied at primary and into secondary - now she isn't one of the 'popular' 'cool' children - but she does have lots of friends - most them slightly oddballs - and that is fine. She has ADHD that wasn't diagnosed until she was 14...which explains a lot.
She wrote an essay last year for her coursework that was all about how she tried to fit in in first year of secondary etc - wanted the right clothes/school bag etc - was trying to be something she wasn't - and how much happier she was when she just accepted that she was different - she could just be herself. And there were others 'like' her - you didn't have to fit in with the 'cool' children to have friends and be happy.
Actually at primary her best friend left and she had no-one to play with for a while. Some of the popular girls asked her if she wanted to play and then one by one said they needed the loo - and didn't come back. She went to find them and asked them why and they thought that was hilarious...and it happened more than once . She really couldn't understand why they did it - thought it was funny to hurt someone - be so mean.
When she was older she did and said that she would rather have noone to play with, than hurt someone so you could feel like you were part of a gang. And some of the 'popular' children at secondary are mean to others to make themselves look cool...and some others, even though they know it is wrong, aren't brave enough -too scared of being deemed 'uncool' - to not go along with it. To quote 'I'd rather be kind than be like that to be popular'...

DownstairsMixUp · 19/03/2017 20:00

My dad had a banger old metro when i was in year 6, I made him drop me off a street away so no one would see us. So sounds normal :D

ReasonsToBeModeratelyHappy · 19/03/2017 21:05

My dad used to come meet me when I wanted him to stay in the car (I was 16) - I mentioned it to my friends, and one of their boyfriends decided we'd meet him - he put my hand on his arm (like couples walked about in about the 1940's I think), marched me to my dad, and said 'Sir, I'm returning your daughter to you, thank you for allowing us her company this evening', and walked away.

My dad was stunned into silence, and seemed happier waiting in the car after that :-D.

I have bumped into my DS out in town, and we just catch one another's eye for a second in acknowledgement and carry on - its embarrassing enough of me to exist, speaking would be unacceptable :-D!

CheshireEditor · 19/03/2017 21:50

Not an advert, but close, blurb from Amazon

Being a teen isn't' a green card to being mean, and without knowing the full context of OP's post it's hard to say what was going on. As adults we have learned how to express ourselves, teens are learning to do this, so I think it is unwise to class all their behaviour as rude or or not rude, it isn't that black and white. If you choose to see certain things as 'hurtful' I suggest there is an issue with the parent, not just the teen. Also the book I suggested in no way state it has all the answers; if only that were true! The book is based on neuroscience , like all books, read it then you can talk about the contents within, agree, disagree etc.

Mermaidinthesea · 19/03/2017 21:53

Haha I thought that was standard behaviour for teens. My son did it and my sister too, she is 15 years younger than me Ignore, he will turn into a human being in due course.

minifingerz · 19/03/2017 21:54

I went on the train with two DS's the other day. I was heading into town and they were going to school. DS1 (13) went and stood in a different compartment rather than have to talk to me in public.

Luckily DS2 (11) still likes a chat with me and doesn't mind a hug when there are other people around.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 19/03/2017 22:00

Cheshire you wrote "It explains literally everything!" I'll pass on reading it though, thanks. Unless you want to buy and post me a copy.

Also the teen in this case was, minimally, thoughtless, and being hurt by thoughtless behaviour, even if it wasn't malicious, doesn't mean that the parent automatically has some sort of issue. Yes the teen may still be learning social norms and whatnot but having those norms gently reiterated is exactly how they get there.

minifingerz · 19/03/2017 22:12

Mumsnet is a big piece of poo

minifingerz · 19/03/2017 22:16

Must remember not to leave my phone in DS's room...

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 19/03/2017 22:18

mini

MeadowHay · 19/03/2017 22:57

Neither me, my brother, or sister ever did this as teenagers (and I'm the eldest at 23 so we're not long out of teenagehood). Incredibly rude.

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