To tell her he's autistic?

[DrivingAndGoogling]

A mum at school always tells me how awkward her boy is. Socially awkward, no friends, doesn't listen etc She tells me every opportunity she gets either at the gates, at parties, play dates etc

For me he's clearly autistic... My boy has autism as well so I know
Do I tell her? She could get the help he needs if she looks into it, but at the moment it seems she's at a loss at what to do
Just to point out that not sure if the school has said anything
I'm not sure I'd appreciate someone telling me something like this for my boy so.... WWYD?

A person on the autistic spectrum isn't able to process language and this impedes their communication skills. High functioning indicates an IQ above 80 so no learning difficulties. It might take an hour for the child to process language NTs would do in minutes/if not seconds. The neurons have not developed properly up to 3 years old and so strong conditioning and repetitive behaviour is needed to repair this. It takes one to one intensive teaching to do this. Fortunately the brain is still plastic enough for this to be achieved.

Getting them to join in is another matter.

When ds was in reception he had a lot of autistic traits. I did get as far as talking to the GP.

GP pointed out that he had severe glue ear, and some of the coping mechanisms for that can be very similar. I spoke to ENT and they said that was right, and advised, unless things started getting worse, holding off asking for assessment until the next set of grommets.

As he has grown (kind of) out of the glue ear (well he's not as bad as he was) he has grown out pretty much all the things that raised red flags for me. He's year 5 now.

Obviously he could still be diagnosed, but I don't think you'd look at him now and connect him with the little 4yo in a world of his own (because he couldn't hear you).

Which is why there are autistic children throughout the world who speak another language other than English.

Parents are the main source of support for their children with autism- not professionals.

That's what the clinical psychologist told me - after my DS was diagnosed. He didn't tell me to go ask other parents for their opinions on whether DS had an ASC. I keep my suspicions about other people's children to myself. I've been right once or twice but I've been wrong more often.

I saw him at a party he was banging my boy's head on the floor and I had to go and stop him . His mum being the way she is, she did nothing about it

I'm sure there is more to it than this, but just on this phrase alone, I would say the boy hasn't any friends because his mother hasn't ever taught him to respect other people.

Most mothers I've met seem to know instinctively when their child is in difficulty. Acceptance that a child may need help or that they are not "typical" can be the hardest step because we want our children to be perfect. That's how it was for me before my son was diagnosed with ASD. That was 4 years ago. As I look back, I acknowledge that I felt grief, sadness and hopelessness at the time. I also felt guilt because the early signs were there but I shrugged them off because surely, ASD happens to other children, not mine. If anyone had suspected that my child was on the spectrum, I wish they had shared their concerns with me because that's not diagnosing, that's caring.
My wonderful son now has lots of friends, is less socially awkward in new situations, gets less angry and feels more confident trying new foods. I realise that whilst the diagnosis was devastating, my reaction to it was normal because I loved him. I am not ashamed that he has ASD. It is simply who he is. We all have our challenges and ASD is his challenge. But he is not incapable of change and increasing adaptability within the social environment. But he can't do it alone.
It is society's attitude to mental heath that makes us feel awkward to suggest perhaps that someone may be in difficulty. As Mothers, we could pave the way forward and treat every encounter with genuine kindness, compassion and concern. We can share our own stories if we think it would help others see they are not alone. We can do this without using labels if we want. But I'm convinced that it ain't what we say but the way that we say it. Good luck!

I have a friend with a son who has ASD traits. She pulls her hair out with him but I would never come out and say I think he has ASD. She knows my eldest has ASD so I do chat to her about things that have worked with him etc so it's up to her whether she takes anything away from that.

I think age is relevant here as the things you have mentioned in your OP would probably be quite normal in a 3 year old, a lot of ASD traits are 'normal' for toddlers but if they carry on displaying such behaviour i.e. Poor social skills, etc at an older age it might be a bit more apparent its ASD

Elendon,

If you want to now revising what you posted and correcting it to say that the very low number of private schools in your area said that either they would be unable to manage his needs, or that they could consider him if he had a statement then I have no reason to believe you.

What I didn't believe and still don't believe is that lots of private school said that "they don't take don't take those sorts" or anything else as ridiculously prejorative

I have no objection to your choosing to précis your comments but there is no way that a number of schools were all so stupid as to say anything like as judgemental or disabilist over the phone.
And pretending that they would is only likely to terrify posters worrying that any soft signs of ASD will mean their child with be treated appallingly in the private sector.

The first paragraph - rather significantly should read that if you are now saying the schools said they could not meet his needs then I have no reason to disbelieve you.

Oh please don't tell her that.
My son is autistic and my partners nephew, to me, had autism too but I soon learnt to word it more gently and that actually I don't live their life with them and it could be developmental delay or aspergers or a number of other things but I think we immediately see autism because that's what we know! Poor kid has been having tests for two years and still no diagnosis for anything.

My youngest isn't autistic but she has autism.
I'm autistic thank you.
And I'd suggest the tactful / subtle (whatever) approach too. Maybe she has no clue about autism & wouldn't consider it as a possibility without suggestions?

'He's clearly autistic'

Fuck sake.

^This

I saw him at a party he was banging my boy's head on the floor and I had to go and stop him . His mum being the way she is, she did nothing about it

I'm sure there is more to it than this, but just on this phrase alone, I would say the boy hasn't any friends because his mother hasn't ever taught him to respect other people.

^and this.

of course you can't diagnose someone elses child!

A person on the autistic spectrum isn't able to process language and this impedes their communication skills. High functioning indicates an IQ above 80 so no learning difficulties. It might take an hour for the child to process language NTs would do in minutes/if not seconds. The neurons have not developed properly up to 3 years old and so strong conditioning and repetitive behaviour is needed to repair this. It takes one to one intensive teaching to do this. Fortunately the brain is still plastic enough for this to be achieved.
Really? Gee, I wish someone had told me this years ago. I've been busy processing language & communicating for over 40 years, without one to one intensive teaching as well, more's the pity - I'd have loved to not be in a class situation in school

A person on the autistic spectrum isn't able to process language and this impedes their communication skills.

Gosh, I wish someone had told me this years ago. I haven't been doing autistic wrongly and I never knew.

The things you learn on Mumsnet.

Hah! Proof!

I should have written have been doing.

Just shows how my autism affects my communication skills.

It is society's attitude to mental heath that makes us feel awkward to suggest perhaps that someone may be in difficulty.

Autism is NOT a mental health condition. It is a developmental condition.

Sheesh.

Autism treatments Polter

Fuck off! Just do. My son would not have been able to attend school (whether mainstream or special) without intervention or a full statement - which is not 'treatment'. As it was he went part time to reception and the first term in Yr 1 because they couldn't teach him in a school room setting without the one to one. And yes, it was about language. I had to say things to him in no more than three words and then up that to four, five, six as he progressed. He had a speech and language specialist. Perhaps she was trying to cure him.

However, now he is a teenager he's able to google this and has come to me to say that his autism can be cured. He can't hold a knife, can't butter toast, never mind put it in the toaster. He can't write either.

Just fuck off.

Pagwatch, they, yes more than one, said that. Only one said they might consider it. Oh and by the way, some parents I met during assessments, said they were there because the private school they had sent their child to could not cope (pre prep school with nursery). I could easily have sent him without a care in the world, after all I'm paying for it, but then the school would have had words. (Unfortunately, most of those children were sent to special schools).

High functioning indicates an IQ above 80 so no learning difficulties.

Elendon, I don't know where you get this rubbish. High functioning means that there is no delay in language acquisition.

It might take an hour for the child to process language NTs would do in minutes/if not seconds.

WTF? Words fail.

@Elendon how fucking offensive. I have asd but my language was bang on for my age and always has been. I do process language a little more slowly. Two of my children have asd and do not need to be bloody conditioned thank you!!!

No, you cant tell this woman her son has autism. My friend's dd has some very obvious signs of autism but she thinks nothing is wrong and says this when she's seen a paediatrician. Is it my place to tell her I think the speech delay isnt the only issue her child has?! No it's not. Sow the seed by all means and make similarities between the two children but no you can't blurt ou you think he has autism.

High functioning does not mean there is no delay.

Or perhaps the S&L professional, the educational psych and the paediatrician just made it up. Perhaps the local authority paid out for a full SEN for made up shite (like what you come out with).

His language is fine now, in fact he processes it quite well. Early intervention did this. What exactly do you think intervention means?

He had a book to point to the picture of what he wanted to do.

Elendon

Why 'unfortunately' most of those were sent to special school?

My son went to a special school. He went there, he wasn't sent there -it's not prison!
It was and is a fantastic school which brilliantly met his needs. He was also very happy which was important to me.

A child whose needs are sufficiently complex to need special school then your average private school won't cope - the same as your average mainstream school clearly wouldn't cope.
LEAs don't send children who have moderate to low needs to special schools because places are incredibly expensive and extremely limited.

Your own dislike for special schools is evident as is your stereotyping and dislike of private schools. I believe that is colouring your recollection of the way the schools spoke to you.
I don't believe the tone of the rejections as you portrayed it. I can believe that they didn't accept that they could cope with his needs.

Elendon - can I just say your stereotypical take on autism is offensive and wholly wrong.

Thank you, Banty.