To tell her he's autistic?

[DrivingAndGoogling]

A mum at school always tells me how awkward her boy is. Socially awkward, no friends, doesn't listen etc She tells me every opportunity she gets either at the gates, at parties, play dates etc

For me he's clearly autistic... My boy has autism as well so I know
Do I tell her? She could get the help he needs if she looks into it, but at the moment it seems she's at a loss at what to do
Just to point out that not sure if the school has said anything
I'm not sure I'd appreciate someone telling me something like this for my boy so.... WWYD?

For me he's clearly autistic... My boy has autism as well so I know

No you don't.

Otherwise there would be no need for medical professionals anywhere. All they'd have to do is get the parent of an autistic child, to diagnose other children.

By all means gently suggest it, or point out some striking similarities etc, but don't go at it from the angle that you 'know'.

My son who is autistic, has always hated 'oddballs' as he called them. He has a little bit more empathy now, but still avoids the company. He has never gone to the quiet room in school because he told me it was painful for him to see what he actually looked like. His friends are in the socially awkward category now. But he's been having support throughout his life.

All you can do is suggest she look into assessment if she's concerned. You might find she prefers to do nothing though. Some people don't seem to want the help, even though their child would benefit enormously. Of course you can make tentative suggestions if she invites you to, without actually making your opinion on the likelihood clear.

FWIW I went round toddler groups asking, actually asking, other mums if my ds seemed OK to them. Nobody suggested assessment or speaking to GP, they were too busy backing away. In summary: if you think it's like a cry for help, please do offer guidance. She's free to act on it or take no notice, whichever.

When I was first approached by someone who suggested my son was autistic I saw red. The rage I felt was unbelievable.

Admittedly I was in denial and he was diagnosed about 7 months later but I hated having it pointed out to me in such a direct way.

I have met children over the years that I'd bet money on getting an ASD diagnosis but I wouldn't dare approach the parent. I did get one mum approach me as she had her suspicions. She sent me videos of what she thought was "strange" behaviour. They looked like absence seizures to my medically untrained eye. I told her too show her GP and get a paed referral. 3 years later and he's still under GOSH as the seizures have worsened and he's been placed in a SN school for his epilepsy and autism. I would never have said anything if she hadn't have asked me first.

You get people saying "my DC do this and that, does yours?" I have to impress upon them that not all ASD traits are displayed and just because my son won't go down slides doesn't mean another child with autism wouldn't. Every child is different. Some kids may just be quirky. There's so much more to autism than many realise.

I often tell my son that I I also struggle to make friends, but I'm not autistic, I'm just anti social and prefer my own company. I hate small talk and love being at home. My son loves being with his friends and chatting away. By most peoples' understanding it should be me with the dx not him!

I've been that other mother ( although not with the bullying child). When DS2 was 2 or 3, I mentioned to a friend whose son is autistic that I had suspicions that my son might be on the spectrum. Her reply was "I didn't want to say unless you mentioned it, but yes, I have thought that too." I really appreciated that she hadn't said anything before.

Povertypain there have been surveys done on this and more adults on the autistic spectrum refer to themselves as 'autistic' than 'having autism'. It comes down to whether you think it is a part of who you are, or whether you see it as a disability. Personally I don't like to say "my son has autism" because it sounds like a disease.

Speaking as a parent to whom this has happened I would advise you to stand well back. She may well be concerned, but she's probably well aware of what it may or may not be. Being told something like this by a school gate parent is actually very upsetting. I had to have a lengthy and difficult conversation with an acquaintance who asked me if I'd had my son "checked for anything" and now I always see her as judging me and assessing him. I wouldn't say anything unless she specifically asked me and even then I would tread very, very carefully.

Having been in a very similar situation some years ago I would say something. I didn't and having then watched the slowly unfolding car crash that was school/Beavers/social activities for this child I really regret that. I know his mum quite well now and every time she looks back and says "I just had no idea" I wince inwardly.

I'm not suggesting that you saying something would immediately solve the problem but it must be really hard being that mum that is watching their child really struggling and everyone saying "oh they all do that, it's just a phase."

Many traits seen in Autism are seen in the general population -it doesn't make everyone with them austistic.
it may also be something else, or nothing.
You can hand hold and suggest seeing the GP, but why suggest a diagnosis?
I see your point of view but a complex diagnosis is just that and needs specialists to do it.

I was talking to a lady about how worried I was about my son and she said it was as clear as the nose on her face he was autistic. It hurt but it led me going to the gp
and he has dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder. A kinder way would be to say to her, "speak to his teacher if you are worried and why don't you go to the gp and tell them your concerns and ask them if they think a referral to a consultant paediatrician would be helpful. It may be immaturity or a delay, or some learning difficulties... They can help with that." That would have been really appreciated by me at the time.

Ps as many will know spd and dyspraxia aren't forms of autism so the lady who told me that was wrong anyway

After my child was diagnosed it became blatantly obvious a friend's child was also on the spectrum. I didn't say anything for over a year because of threads like this. Eventually, the mum was dealing with yet more issues and I brought it up. Unsurprisingly there were lots of other autistic traits the child had that the parent wasn't sharing. It has had a positive effect.

As the parent of an autistic child it's pretty obvious in other children if you've spent a decent amount of time with them, not just one offs or in the same environment. People talk as if it's this somehow strange, mysterious, unknowable thing only a professional can discern after great efforts rather than a specifically quantifiable set of traits.

And yes to those people horrified because, oh no, autism. How horrendous to suggest a child may not be perfectly NT. Let them struggle individually and as a family rather than suggesting a reason

Worriedoncemore

I've had exactly the same from another mum about my son before he was diagnosed with spd and dyspraxia. She was adamant my son was autistic and said he made no eye contact. He does with me! He's not autistic, she was wrong. Like you say it's not for other parents to diagnose. Parents with children on the spectrum or learning difficulties will see the same traits in other children but it's how much they impact on the child's life that determines whether they are an issue or not. She can't know if your son has a condition or just needs a little longer to mature.

In the reverse, parents telling me I'm fussing and my sons "traits" are the same as their "normal" child - is hurtful. I might say we've had a terrible day my son has vomitted 9 times due to smells and I'll be told their child doesn't like smells either and gags sometimes so stop worrying he's normal and fine. Arghhh not the same!

My son was not allowed into either a mainstream school or a special school without a diagnosis and SEN statement. Both establishments would not have been able to cope without the extra money and one to one support whilst in primary. Obviously the one to one tailed off as he reached secondary, but he's always been able to access his support system as an when he needed it. He's a success and he's proud to be on target to passing his seven GCSEs to get into sixth form, half might be Bs.

But he wouldn't have been able to do this without the extra help.

Oh and before anyone asks, I did ring up private schools and was told that 'we don't take their sorts here'.

AntiQuitted

I agree with you share knowledge but it has to be done sensitively and there are lots of conditions that mimic autism but aren't autism so we do have to be careful. My son's headmistress told me he was def. autistic and he wasn't. His spd and dyspraxia share a lot of autistic traits. If he had autism there would be absolutely no problem with me accepting that diagnosis and I feel life would be a little easier in terms of accessing support (and people understanding) as there's no funding for spd even though it causes him far more problems than dyspraxia

I think there is a huge difference in making a suggestion about things to look into it and saying that a child you don't know has autism

My son has autism. Yes I see things in other children but sometimes the 'symptoms' can be misleading. I have a friend with twins. One of whom struggled to learn, socially awkward etc etc. we had lots of discussions about what the causes could be. When she eventually had things looked into, he is dsylexic. Sometimes different conditions can show the same behaviours.

I'm angry with this thread. It's like anyone can diagnose autism and have it assessed within 7 months. Bingo.

It was a long hard slog to get the support my son needed. I even had to attend parent classes and get a certificate. But I would have done anything for him to access the proper support he so desperately needed.

Thisisanotherusername You put more eloquently what I was trying to say as an ASD parent.

There is no need for negativity with an ASD diagnosis, yes it's challenging at times mainly because as neurotypical parent, I can't ever truly understand my son's thought processes and behaviours. I totally agree that support is vital. My DS is a very very different little boy to the one I had at referral and that is due to the intervention and help we've received. Without it, I agree he would have entered into adulthood in a very different place (as my now ex-h has done sadly).

I take a lot of comfort from autistic adults and other parents with autistic children!

Just as a comparison his sisters got 2A, 4As and 6Bs. 5A, 5As and 2Bs.

Keep out of it completely. If he has problems it will become apparent at school or she will twig at some point...he could have other problems which present as autism, that is why there are pretty thorough assessments.

Elendon,

I doubt very much that you phoned a number of private schools, said your child had any kind of a syndrome or condition and were told consistently that they 'don't take those sorts'
I've had a child at special school and two children in private schools and the private schools my DC have had pupils on the autistic spectrum and with various other issues.
There are teachers at those schools with children on the spectrum.
I don't doubt that some private schools are bad at dealing with SEN and SN. I also believe completely that some private schools could not cope and would not try.

But to present, as if it were fact, the idea that all private schools are appalling in their attitude to SEN/SN just makes the situation worse.

Btw I have to add my son does not have learning difficulties. That was established quite quickly when he was about 3 years old.

You sound ridiculous!

First off you're not qualified to make that judgment. Secondly it could be numerous other things.

Back off

You can't tell her, or really decide whether he is in fact autistic, but you can signpost her to where she could begin to get help if she is worried.