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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her he's autistic?

169 replies

DrivingAndGoogling · 17/03/2017 11:39

A mum at school always tells me how awkward her boy is. Socially awkward, no friends, doesn't listen etc She tells me every opportunity she gets either at the gates, at parties, play dates etc

For me he's clearly autistic... My boy has autism as well so I know
Do I tell her? She could get the help he needs if she looks into it, but at the moment it seems she's at a loss at what to do
Just to point out that not sure if the school has said anything
I'm not sure I'd appreciate someone telling me something like this for my boy so.... WWYD?

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 17/03/2017 13:30

YABU to tell he he is autistic. Unless you're this child's doctor you can't know that.

YANBU to suggest to her that she discuss his issues with her doctor and that he has some traits that may be a sign of autism.

Elendon · 17/03/2017 13:32

I did Pagwatch. I phoned all the private schools in my area, admittedly not a lot. One said they might take him in if he got an SEN, but they couldn't count on it (and of course they were very supportive of SEN students). So basically, SEN students supported in a private school, with local authority funding. I could have done this, but it was a drive away (as was the local authority school for SEN autistic students only).

Way to disbelieve a parent. Hope you're proud of yourself Pagwatch.

IamFriedSpam · 17/03/2017 13:32

I think Worriedoncemore post is great. Since she sounds concerned and it would be a good idea to point her in the direction of help/assessments but anything further to that has to be her decision (hopefully she'll go for help though as it will benefit her son). It would be annoying to have other parents diagnose. On the other side though a friend of mine had no suspicions her DS might be autistic until someone suggested it (very tactfully and she worked with autistic children so had a good radar IFSWIM) and the early intervention was incredibly helpful.

athomewithcats · 17/03/2017 13:35

My son has autism but it was only diagnosed last year at the age of 12, after a 2 year wait. One the things that prompted me to go for diagnosis was actually a parent, who after telling her about some difficulty I had at the time just said do you think he may have autism. For me I had suspicions but as teachers never mentioned it I thought it was all in my head or I was one of 'those' parents but that day I felt validated.

I wish people didn't get upset if a parent says there might be something because maybe just maybe things would be picked up earlier and support would be there earlier.

For what it's worth my son actually likes his diagnosis and now understands why he behaves the way he does so for us it's been positive.

PickAChew · 17/03/2017 13:36

PovertyPain

Blue eyes (well, specifically eyes) and tinnitus are nouns ie things. Autistic is an adjective ie a descriptor.

Just want to put that out there.

DixieNormas · 17/03/2017 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kleinzeit · 17/03/2017 13:38

AntiQuitted I am glad it worked well for your friend and her child but that kind of approach is risky and it can sometimes go very wrong. You could end up keeping a parent away from asking for help because they're afraid that their child we immediately be "labelled" with a condition they don't yet understand themselves. I've met several parents who dismissed the possibility of an ASC when it was first raised by a professional - never mind hearing it from another parent! - but a year later they were eager to get the diagnosis.

There is nothing wrong with taking things step by step. If any parent says they have a lot of concerns about their child then the first step is for them to raise those concerns with the school and the GP.

And driving you should separate your own issue - protecting your child - from her issue - whether her child has an ASC or not. She cannot "insist" on unsupervised playdates without your agreement. So don't agree. "They don't play well together when they're not supervised, last time Johhny was banging Tommy's head on the floor and that is not safe".

Original poster
DrivingAndGoogling · 17/03/2017 13:40

Why are certain posts stuck on the "diagnosis" thing? What do you think I'm going to go and say: I'm diagnosing your child with autism?
Yes I'm 100% there is something wrong with him and actually quite severe....of course parents of children with asd are 'experts' on it and specifically on the area their own children are diagnosed in. I don't need to be a doctor, I live with it and deal with it! And the fact that I can tell the situation with this kid doesn't mean I can tell the situation with all asd kids!

Anyway some comments are truly helpful ...
And i hadn't appreciated his actions as bullying possibly cause he has asd but eldon you got me thinking... As a side note it's good to speak to other asd parents ...

I'm definitely going to say something next time I ll be super nice about it but what I've done so far is keep on telling her not to worry and that whatever he's doing is normal as I feel extremely sorry for her... Not sure it's helping and hadn't appreciated that was a cry for help as other posters mentioned

Again thank you

OP posts:
blankmind · 17/03/2017 13:41

A mum at school always tells me how awkward her boy is. Socially awkward, no friends, doesn't listen etc She tells me every opportunity she gets either at the gates, at parties, play dates etc

I'd say she's pretty much wanting some advice on how she could find out why her son is so different to his peers. She's probably constantly fobbed off both by school, her own family and other parents who see him as "fine" (I was in that situation for years) and is approaching you as a last resort because you are vocal about your son's differences.

Next time she says something, just suggest that if she's worried about her son, then she needs to have a word with and let her take it from there.

2x2shoes · 17/03/2017 13:42

For the poster who's child makes eye contact- that is not a reason to rule out autism- or rather it is a very old-fashioned and now out-of-date reason to rule it out. I would feel frustrated hearing that - as a mum with 2 autistic children, one with eye contact issues, the other doesn't (in the traditional sense).
Also, as a parent of autistic children- I am the expert on my children- no professional would know more than me -at this stage- about my children's issues. Every autistic child/adult has their own unique profile - it takes time to understand it- I talk to professionals now (about my children) as though they are part of a team, of which I would be an equally knowledgeable member. It's not like that at the beginning of course, but after a while you build up a huge amount of expertise. Parents are the main source of support for their children with autism- not professionals.

Elendon · 17/03/2017 13:42

Yes I'm 100% there is something wrong with him and actually quite severe

What sort of a school are you at? Severe autism in a school setting would be flagged up immediately. And if it was a special school he would not be there unless the diagnosis was already in place.

BowiesBlueEye · 17/03/2017 13:43

Elendon was your post directed at me?

BowiesBlueEye · 17/03/2017 13:45

My DS scored high on the ADOS test but his mainstream school still refused to acknowledge a dx or give him any support. I battled for 2 years before taking him out

Original poster
DrivingAndGoogling · 17/03/2017 13:45

Elendon it's private school

This boy is excellent academically so I suspect they are not all over him but again not sure what's been said....

OP posts:
TinfoilHattie · 17/03/2017 13:45

I am that mother with the very socially awkward square peg in a round hole boy who never fits in with the crowd. He is very academic but social niceties are lost on him - he's a teenage Sheldon Cooper.

He may well be on the spectrum. We have not pushed for a diagnosis because quite frankly he is coping with his quirks, has met another child who is just as quirky as he is and is rubbing along quite nicely. Doesn't stop me moaning about his speaking at inappropriate times or struggling to maintain frienships.

If some other mother told me that my son was quite clearly autistic I'd tell her to fuck off and mind her own business.

Original poster
DrivingAndGoogling · 17/03/2017 13:47

2x2shoes I love your post! I wouldn't change a single dot!

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 17/03/2017 13:47

My son has Aspergers. He was unable to make eye contact for a very long time. He does now. Making eye contact does not mean a child is not autistic Hmm

Elendon · 17/03/2017 13:48

Even moderate autism is not conducive to a mainstream setting.

Not looking someone in the eye or being 'socially awkward' is a flag to autism.

The child you describe is a bully. To your own son. I'm wondering if he is copying actions at home actually. Why are you not more concerned about the safety of your own son around this child?

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/03/2017 13:48

2x2shoes Nailed it.

Areyoufree · 17/03/2017 13:50

The thing is though, it's not just about getting a diagnosis. A lot of people on here have said that getting a diagnosis didn't make a lot of difference in the long run because they were ultimately left alone to get on with with it. What does make a difference is how you deal with someone with autistic traits, as 'normal' parenting methods can make behaviour a lot worse. One book i see recommended a lot is 'The Explosive Child', which doesn't deal with diagnoses, but with behaviours. Children that display certain behaviours may need different parental approaches, regardless of any diagnosis. I think i would approach it that way - maybe offering suggestions for approaches to handle behaviours (and if she is constantly bringing up his behaviours, then it sounds like she is asking for advice) rather than suggesting going for a diagnosis. That way, she can make her own conclusions, or at least develop some new coping strategies.

TheCakes · 17/03/2017 13:50

Does she know your son has autism? You could draw a comparison, say "Oh, Johnny can be like that - it's part of his autism..." to sew the seed. You could even ask if she has considered an SEN assessment.
Agree with the others about telling her that her son has autism.

Elendon · 17/03/2017 13:52

Is not a flag to autism that should be.

Obviously!

GinAndTunic · 17/03/2017 13:58

Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the saints. OF COURSE you can't tell the woman you think her son has autism. You are not a medical professional, you weren't asked to assess him and it's none of your business.

GinAndTunic · 17/03/2017 13:59

What do you think I'm going to go and say: I'm diagnosing your child with autism?

Yes. Because that is exactly what you want to do.

Kleinzeit · 17/03/2017 14:04

hadn't appreciated that was a cry for help

Well it might be, or it might be about getting you to reassure her he's normal since that's what you've been doing up til now.

So I would back out of her problems especially since your motive for concern is not her DS but your own. Protect your own DS, and if she is worried about hers then suggest she talks to the GP or school.

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