To tell her he's autistic?

[DrivingAndGoogling]

A mum at school always tells me how awkward her boy is. Socially awkward, no friends, doesn't listen etc She tells me every opportunity she gets either at the gates, at parties, play dates etc

For me he's clearly autistic... My boy has autism as well so I know
Do I tell her? She could get the help he needs if she looks into it, but at the moment it seems she's at a loss at what to do
Just to point out that not sure if the school has said anything
I'm not sure I'd appreciate someone telling me something like this for my boy so.... WWYD?

[Elendon]

I have a son with autism and I wouldn't dream of diagnosing someone with autism. I might see it in young children, but it's up to the parents to take this forward. You must surely know the hoops you have to go through to get the diagnosis (and he was four when diagnosed). Good grief. Is this for real?

[DrivingAndGoogling]

Pagwatch you nailed it! My boy has ASD I live with it I don't get too uptight about it

Obviously I wouldn't tell her he's autistic and that's it. I'd phrase it appropriately - some of the suggestions here are brilliant thank you

But the question is, should I? I know I'm fine with it now, but if someone suggested anything to me a while ago, id go for them!
To make it even worse he's really dangerous to my boy - I saw him at a party he was banging my boy's head on the floor and I had to go and stop him . His mum being the way she is, she did nothing about it

I guess I have a bigger safety issue with him, he is really in his own world and doesn't appreciate other people's safety. If his mum made a bit more of an effort with him starting by appreciating the severity of his situation formally and professionally via a GP or a diagnosis, she d probably not let him get away with murder
She's constantly insisting on unsupervised play dates and I'm not happy with it
Hence I feel I need to say something more..

[Verbena37]

You could ask her next time if she gets much support from the school and if she says no, perhaps suggest she has a chat with the senco.

OP I know what you mean when you say you 'believe' him to be autistic. I think as a parent of a child with ASD, seeing the traits in other children's becomes the norm. .....not that you'd divulge that to the parent but it's totally normal to recognise neuro diverse traits in another child.

[Elendon]

BTW even if you were a Paediatrician you would not say. There are many diagnostics for a child to go through to get the diagnosis. It's stressful and you do wonder if you have done the right thing taking your young child through this. But, it meant support in school.

[redexpat]

I would have loved it if someone had found a way to put into words what I was thinking but couldn't articulate. Me too!

Do what Pagwatch said.

I asked 2 parents of autistic children if they thought DS had it too. One said if you have concerns then the sooner you go to the GP the better. One said I can see he has certain traits, but obviously I can't diagnose him.

[Tomorrowillbeachicken]

You can't say 100%. It's too easy to see traits as they are in a lot of the general population too.
My sibling is autistic and has learning difficulties and tbh I see traits of it in my son but he isn't autistic.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

I have been in this situation several times. My DS is autistic (diagnosed). How I have handled it is to say that I witnessed similar issues with my own DS, or suggested it might be worth having a chat with teacher about specific issues, or perhaps speaking to GP. If I am asked outright, I will always say "perhaps consider an assessment to see if on spectrum" or something along those lines. It's difficult, of course you can't "diagnose" but once you have been through it yourself, you can very clearly see when another child has the same problem IMO purely because of the knowledge you gain and the experiences you have yourself.

OP, I would be supportive to your friend. She may well be targeting you as she knows you know IYSWIM, as other posters have suggested. This has happened to me too. At the end of the day, it is down to the parent to take action in terms of their own child but it can be frustrating if they don't because as you will know yourself, the child is missing out on the additional support they may need.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

...oh and definitely suggest a chat with the school SENCO.

[Elendon]

Just ignore her then. You don't have to be friends with her because you think her son is autistic. I met many mums whose children were on the spectrum, you do when you are putting your child through the diagnostics. I'm not friends with any of them now. (They were very judgemental anyway and believed there was nothing wrong with their child, despite the referrals).

[QuiteLikely5]

Op you've Gotta watch out when it comes to diagnostics on MN - you could be talking about a fart and they'd caution against it unless of course you're a DR!

Anyway just say speak to your HV or gp and they might be able to give you some useful advice

[Elendon]

Why would you be friends with someone whose son is clearly bullying your child? I wouldn't have done that with my neurotypical children.

[PovertyPain]

I'm not blue eyes, but I have blue eyes.
I'm not tinnitus, but I have tinnitus.
My youngest isn't autistic but she has autism.
Petty, I know, but just wanted to put that out there.

[noblegiraffe]

What I've seen on here quite a few times is parents getting extremely angry at someone for suggesting that there is something wrong with their child, even if it's true. It's a case of shooting the messenger. I was exactly the same when DS's teacher said some of his behaviour suggested he was on the spectrum - how dare she, not her job to diagnose etc etc. Actually it was good she did and I didn't say anything at the time to her, but tread carefully.

[SlothMama]

You aren't qualified to give a diagnosis, so you shouldn't. Personally I'd be pretty annoyed if someone tried to diagnose my child.

[Love51]

I work with families. Sometimes I notice autistic traits. I tend to ask 'have you/ has he/ has she ever been assessed?'. Often, there was going to be an assessment but it never went ahead, or for adults,they have a suspicion, but weren't sure that diagnosis would be beneficial. Sometimes the 'autistic traits' are due to another condition that I don't know much about. You are the expert on your child, but not on all kids with autistic traits. Sometimes it takes a few people noticing to create convergent evidence for the parent. If I'm saying the same thing as 3 other people, I might have a point.

[Elendon]

Yes!! Let's all equate farting with autism. Shall we?

[Elendon]

You are the expert on your child

No you're not. That's why there are GPs, Teachers, Paediatricians, Educational Psychologists. All professionals and the experts.

[BantyCustards]

Support her - don't tell her.

Even if you are qualified in the field her child hasn't presented at your clinic.

[Thisisanotherusername]

I'm autistic. I think a lot of the responses you are getting are based upon the assumption that a diagnosis of autism is a negative thing and that to suggest autism to the boy's mother would be to insult her.

From my perspective:

1. The mother is clearly concerned about her son's social skills and seems to be seeking advice.
   
2. Autistic people (and those close to them) tend to be very good at recognising other autistic people.
   
3. If he is autistic and he goes undiagnosed (i.e. he doesn't receive additional support or understanding), there is a possibility that he might experience mental health problems or similar later in life as a result.
   
4. Little harm is caused by the suggestion that he might be autistic. If he isn't: great. If he is: great, he can access support, and both him and those around him can understand him better.
   
   
   There are ways to make the suggestion to the mother without shouting "your son is definitely autistic".

[Elendon]

No parent I met said there was something wrong with my child, even though it was obvious in the mother and toddler groups. All were supportive. In fact, there was one lovely group I went to where those children who found the noise and activities stressful (we are talking two year olds), let us go outside - weather permitting. There was only ever about three parents (shamefully, the other parents had other adult support, which I never had).

[picklemepopcorn]

Blue eyed I don't disagree with your preferred terms, but I disagree with your grammar!

You are not blue eyes, you are blue eyed, or you have blue eyes.

Your daughter is not autism, she is autistic, or as you prefer she has autism.

As for talking to a parent whose child you suspect has autism, I might say 'that sounds a bit like my boy. It's why we asked for him to be assessed.' Or Have you ever thought about getting help for him? Or have you asked staff if they think there is an underlying issue?

[Ginmummy1]

If her son is a danger to be around on playdates, that's your primary issue if she's expecting your son to play with hers.

Does your son like her son?

Never mind possible autism, I would be talking to her about your concerns about the way they are playing together, and discussing ways to help them to play safely.

If she doesn't care or won't help the situation, I'd be discontinuing the playdates for the sake of my son.

[Thisisanotherusername]

Poverty Just want to agree with PolterGoose that I view my autism as inextricable from 'me' as a person. I prefer to say 'I am autistic' for that reason. My brain just runs a different operating system to most people's.

[Worriedoncemore]

As others have said, I wouldn't come out with it like that. However, suggest that if she's worried (which it sounds like she is) that perhaps she has a chat with school/her GP to see if they think there could be a problem that needs investigating.

I think my son may well have ASD. He was assessed years ago but got told he wasn't. More traits have emerged recently though so have been re-referred. I have a friend whose child has ASD and she seems obsessed with the fact that my son might be too (presumably so she can have an ASD buddy). She keeps presenting me with evidence to suggest he is. "See what he just did there? My DS does too! Clearly ASD!". When I told her one of the reasons he wasn't dx was because he makes good eye contact she said "he doesn't with me!" IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF!

If he is diagnosed, I'm fine with it btw. I just want the best for him. What I don't want is another parent trying to diagnose him!