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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of my DD future MIL

252 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 16/03/2017 18:46

Will try to be brief but not drip feed as I know that's a MN no no!
My DD has always had a good relationship with her future MIL.
Her soon to be DH has always been a bit of a mummies boy and his Mother is pretty much involved in every aspect of their lives.
They live nearer her, she dog sits for them, does their hair, chooses their furnishings for their home etc
They are getting married this summer at a VERY expensive Wedding Venue.
There have only been 38 weddings here as it is so exclusive.
It was my influence for this venue and we are paying for the Wedding.
When my DS got married we were no more than guests at his wedding as his MIL and bride arranged everything (and paid) and everything was a secret except for the date and venue.
My DD was very put out about it as was I, as I felt very hurt. We did give him a fantastic honeymoon and paid for the photographer/videographer and Band.
At the time my DD and future Son in law said it was outrageous how we had been left out of the planning and excitement and they wouldn't do that to their DM/MIL
Now its my DD turn and instead of being excited about her wedding I feel pushed out by the MIL.
I am paying for the wedding and the MIL paid for her sons suit and some money towards a honeymoon.
She has been involved in Everything. Wedding dress shopping, bridesmaid shopping, suit shopping. she keeps going on about her favourite flowers, she has bought a card box, made tiaras for the bride and bridesmaids and NOW today I have heard she wants to visit the venue to talk through the planning and look at how it can be decorated.
My DD thinks IABU because I think she is taking over?

OP posts:
Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 19/03/2017 18:32

The bridesmaid dress for the grooms sister fits perfectly she is 5.4
My DD2 is 5.7 and the dress shoes her shoes and feet :(
It is a long gold evening dress embellished with crystals. It can not be lengthened.
Yes I think DD1 thinks she will choose venue decorations and flowers and we will pay.
We told her when she got engaged we would pay for everything to do with the venue and reception, her wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses.
The grooms sister is a bridesmaid but MIL2B has insisted she is also the Best man!!!!!!!!
The MIL2B will be putting some money towards the honeymoon . She paid for the grooms suit and her own couture wedding outfit.
feeling very sorry and sad for my DD1 that her wedding day is being railroaded by her MIL :(

OP posts:
Astro55 · 19/03/2017 19:06

Well see if she does ask for more money - when is the wedding - soonish?

TinselTwins · 19/03/2017 19:10

hang on! has your DD said that SHE doesn't want the stuff that her MIL has suggested?

Or is she just being told by you that she shouldn't be taking so many suggestions from MIL?

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 19/03/2017 19:19

she is being polite to mil2b and trying to please everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 19/03/2017 19:20

the wedding is in 4 months

OP posts:
SanitysSake · 19/03/2017 19:36

I completely agree the MIL2B is a nightmare - but YOU really need to set your own boundaries with your Daughter.

Either say 'this is how much we'll pay and no more - and you can make any decisions you like on that monetary basis'

Or

'We agreed to pay for the venue as it was and will not be paying for any additional embellishments'.

As for the bridesmaids dress? That's sadly going to have to be a 'suck it up buttercup' situation.

Distance yourself from it. You don't want to upset your DD1 any more and frankly, she'll come to you if she needs you. You'll just have to accept that MIL2B will continue to be too overly involved - even though it really sucks.

I feel for you x

LavenderDoll · 19/03/2017 19:46

Stop paying for everything. No way should your DD be stuck with a bridesmaid frock that doesn't fit. Withdraw funds and leave them to it.

Parker231 · 19/03/2017 19:54

Why is your DD's wedding being railroaded by her MIL2b - she needs to speak up, sort things out for herself and starting paying for the wedding she would like. If I was her I'd be eloping.

Smurfpoo · 19/03/2017 20:49

I'd elope if I was your dd. Everyone has a pennies (literally and figuratively) worth to put in but no one is listening to her.

TinselTwins · 19/03/2017 20:54

she is being polite to mil2b and trying to please everyone
maybe she's also being polite to you, i.e. not telling you that actually she does prefer her MILs ideas.

Has she ACTUALLY SAID that she doesn't want the things that have been booked on her MILs suggestion? At any point?

Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 21:18

My DD2 is 5.7 and the dress shows her shoes and feet

Im sorry but this is such a minor issue.

Your DD1 is pissing your money away like there's no tomorrow on a wedding you're not convinced she actually wants. That is the issue. Not people being able to see a woman's shoes.

mumto2two · 19/03/2017 21:51

Had no issues like this when I married 22 years ago..at the relatively young age of 28. Nobody interfered with guest lists or venues or railroaded me into outfits I neither wanted nor suited. I chose what I wanted how I wanted..when I wanted. And you know why? Because we paid for it ourselves, and our family were guests like everybody else.

Writermom22 · 19/03/2017 23:41

Stop all funding. Your daughter is not the biggest problem, the biggest problem is the mother in law to be who is spending your money.

Meowstro · 20/03/2017 06:35

Don't stop funding without speaking to your DD1. It sends the message that you're not happy so you're going back on your word, my MIL did that to us last minute and it was so cruel as she promised it and sat there saying DH was their only son and wanted to do it. We could afford it without but it was principal.

I'm sorry if this has been answered but does she already have all the money or are you paying as you go along? If the latter, how about getting her to check off every decision that is going to be made before you release the funds to make sure she is happy? It's a really vulnerable time and whether they are paying or not everyone has an opinion, it's so easy to get ground down, she is probably trying to please everyone and will realise when it's too late.

malificent7 · 20/03/2017 06:43

Mil zilla springs to mind. Her not you! Sounds like she is very excited. Perhaps weddings dont need to be very lavish... its the creative touches that are most apprechiated.
For example the home made tiaras sound lovely!

WipsGlitter · 20/03/2017 07:38

If I've read this right you had a discussion about mil2b in front of her daughter. That was highly inappropriate.

All along I was reading and thinking your DD was being a bit of a wet blanket or possibly unsure of her own taste so happy to be told what to do.

Mil2b does sound a bit of a nightmare though!

Let the dust settle and then try and repair things with your daughter.

Did you want to keep the "wow" factor of the venue secret and is that why you don't want mil2b going there / seeing it?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 20/03/2017 09:40

Wips I think the sil refers to son in law to be...but agree still probably not the best audience for the conversation...

emmyrose2000 · 20/03/2017 09:51

The grooms sister is a bridesmaid but MIL2B has insisted she is also the Best man

MIL2B has insisted her daughter is both the best man and a bridesmaid?

How exactly is that supposed to work in practical terms? Is the DD going to jump from the side of the groom to the side of the bride during the ceremony, so as to fulfill both duties?

Or the MIL2B insisted that she herself is the best man?

Either scenario rather boggles the mind.

TinselTwins · 20/03/2017 12:28

The grooms sister is a bridesmaid but MIL2B has insisted she is also the Best man
I assume it means she's wearing a bridesmaids dress but role wise she's supporting her brother (i.e. in terms of who she spends the morning with)

considering this is the ONLY mention of a groom on this whole thread, maybe that's why the MIL is making so many suggestions: so that there is some sort of nod towards the other half of the couple, and the day isn't just the "look how much the mother of the bride spent on the venue" show.

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 20/03/2017 12:38

We had a discussion with our DD and Son in law wipsgossip!!!
MIL2b wants her DD to be the best man as well as bridesmaid, so she will be with her brother waiting for the bride.
my DD2 will be with bride and DH to walk in last.
Apparently the MIL2b has asked her DS three times what has she done to upset me so she has been able to read my tone on the wotsapp group.
She said we must go to the venue and ask lots of questions and look at how we need to dress the venue.
I replied- we have a meeting booked in with the wedding planner in June when we pay the remainder of the balance.
I mentioned lanterns and vases I had.
She said can you send me photos of what you have so I can see if they go with my stuff.
I didnt reply.
She suggested buying bridesmaids dresses online to be tried on at her house. Two hours from my home.
I replied I want to go shopping in London otherwise I will be excluded.
Both my DD's have said my messages came across as aggressive. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 20/03/2017 12:45

We have an appointment in Pronovias in Bond Street in April for the dress fitting.
Mil2b is coming to that as well.
She and her DD were at the wedding dress shopping and were constantly in the way taking photos so I couldnt get a clear shot of my DD without them in the photo also taking a photo.
bride turn this way bride look this way, bride turn around.
Then buy this plainer dress and I will bling it up. only she cant so it has been returned to Pronovias to alter now costing more than the dress DD preferred that was over budget
MIL2B has bought a couture dress for £2,800
more than the wedding dress.
My outfit is £500
Why would she not buy a dress for £500 and give her DS £2,300 towards his wedding?

OP posts:
PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus · 20/03/2017 12:52

You're in serious danger of helping to cause a longstanding family rift if you don't step back and calm down. Yes, MIL sounds overbearing but you aren't blameless either.

You can still salvage this but it's going to mean being the bigger person. Let the stuff that doesn't matter go. No one will remember the fact they could see one bridesmaid's shoes or flowers at the venue. But they will remember family fall-outs and tears and stress.

Apologise to your DD1. Tell her you appreciate you'd got too hung up in a power struggle with her MIL-to-be. Tell her you trust her judgement and you want her to have the wedding SHE'S happy with. Tell her there's X left in the wedding budget and she can allocate it as she wishes. Then step back. If she wants to stand up to MIL, she will. If she doesn't, she won't. Her life, her wedding, her choice. Show an interest in whatever she buys or books with the money but don't pass judgement if it's not what you would have done, even if you feel it's MIL's influence. No one is keeping score except you, and if you carry on the way you have been, the only thing you're going to "win" is a damaged relationship with your DD.

TinselTwins · 20/03/2017 12:57

Bird lady your grievances with your DDs MIL sound all me me me
I do not buy that you are causing fuss to "stick up for your DD"
IMO YOU are causing problems rather than trying to fix them
Why do you need to be the only one that decorates the venue?
On the one hand you say MIL should spend more but whatever she does buy is wrong
She sounds like no angel but you sound even worse: possessive and controlling
Your dd is nicer then me, I'ld tell you to keep your money and your prescious venue and just await an invite and turn up on the day as a guest!

ladymariner · 20/03/2017 13:17

Agree totally with Tinsel It's not all about you and how much you're spending, it's supposed to be a family day. Did you really need to say you're going to Bond Street for a fitting, or is that just another opportunity to show how much money you're splashing?
If everyone is saying your messages are aggressive, and mil is asking what she's done wrong then perhaps it's time to have a long, hard look at yourself and your behaviour.

Btw, I hope none of them are on mumsnet, this thread is terribly outing!

MadMags · 20/03/2017 13:19

It's none of your buneinsss how much she spends on her clothes!

You can either give them money or not. That's the extent of what you can control.

So if you want to withdraw funding, do it.

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