To be jealous of my DD future MIL

[birdladyfromhomealone]

Will try to be brief but not drip feed as I know that's a MN no no!
My DD has always had a good relationship with her future MIL.
Her soon to be DH has always been a bit of a mummies boy and his Mother is pretty much involved in every aspect of their lives.
They live nearer her, she dog sits for them, does their hair, chooses their furnishings for their home etc
They are getting married this summer at a VERY expensive Wedding Venue.
There have only been 38 weddings here as it is so exclusive.
It was my influence for this venue and we are paying for the Wedding.
When my DS got married we were no more than guests at his wedding as his MIL and bride arranged everything (and paid) and everything was a secret except for the date and venue.
My DD was very put out about it as was I, as I felt very hurt. We did give him a fantastic honeymoon and paid for the photographer/videographer and Band.
At the time my DD and future Son in law said it was outrageous how we had been left out of the planning and excitement and they wouldn't do that to their DM/MIL
Now its my DD turn and instead of being excited about her wedding I feel pushed out by the MIL.
I am paying for the wedding and the MIL paid for her sons suit and some money towards a honeymoon.
She has been involved in Everything. Wedding dress shopping, bridesmaid shopping, suit shopping. she keeps going on about her favourite flowers, she has bought a card box, made tiaras for the bride and bridesmaids and NOW today I have heard she wants to visit the venue to talk through the planning and look at how it can be decorated.
My DD thinks IABU because I think she is taking over?

All I can think of is the colossal waste of money involved in these pompous, overblown ceremonials. As a retired church organist I have seen getting on for six hundred weddings, and the best one ever consisted of

[a] the church service
[b] a vin d'honneur in the church hall followed by
[c[ the arrival of 120 fish suppers from the local chippy along with
[d] four cases of assorted wine and a barrel of beer which fuelled
[e] a ceilidh which ended at 2200 when the bride and groom departed for their honeymoon.

It was everything a wedding should be - sacred, secular, slightly drunk and unbeatable fun.

The OP makes me think that getting married now seems to be about showing off, ostentatious waste of money and shallow self-absorption.

I am still a bit bemused at the fact that you know there have only been 38 weddings at the venue...really? Does that make it really really exclusive?

YANBU

Your dd sounds like a lovely woman, yoi sound quite controlling and demanding.

Just as an aside there's nothing wrong with being a mummy's boy, (always used in a derogatory way, and I assumed you did too, could be wrong) but you want your dd to be a mummy's girls but pass judgment on the relationship your future sil has on with his family.

I feel sorry for your dd.

OP there are so many pages, I can't read it all.

But have read your comments.
“- no I am happy to involve her but she seems to put her opinion over so strongly and now wants to go to the venue.”
“MIL what rubbish of course the venue needs flowers,
DD1 ok perhaps you should go to the venue and let us know what you think?”

Speak to your dd and see if she is happy with it as it is then ask her what she wants you to do. How about the three of you meet for coffee, chat and kindly agree t back each other up, you and dd, that the venue is fine as it is
OR – not sure you can stop her going there, so why not go with her, with or with your dd, make sure she tells you everything!

You tell dd and you encourage and back up DD to do what your dd wants.

“Everything has been her choice so far but me picking up the tab!” Whose choice, your dd or her MIL-to_be?

Agree with CurbsideProphet “With your update I wouldn't be annoyed about the MIL not paying, I would be annoyed that she's railroading your DD with what she wants, as though it's her own big day.”

Agree with PNGirl “…sitting DD down and saying that you're concerned you're paying to throw MIL her ideal wedding and not DD's. See what she says.

I don't think "Whatever you want DD" was a good response for any of the occasions after the first one when you witnessed DD give a shrug and a "Whatever MIL". Speak up properly if you really do think MIL is bullying her into stuff.”

Agree with user1489189598 too. “You need to flag up (and your DD does need to be aware) if the money is running away with itself.”

Focus on the big picture not the one day.

Make sure your relationship with your dd is as strong as ever and make good friends with your dd's MIL, it will make life easier in the future maybe!

Maybe go out for meals or drinks just you and the future MIL, be as nice as pie. In the long run life will be easier.

This has made me very aware I need to start saving for weddings for dd and ds – dd is 12 and ds is 6.

Every mum of a dd dreams of her wedding day and I think it's the least she can do for you
NO! Absolutely not.
I didn't dream of my own wedding day, let alone someone else's. I would want my daughter to have her wedding, her way.
It is not a daughter's duty to make her mum's dreams come true on her wedding day.
I think it's horrid when parents offer to pay for weddings but that money comes with strings attached.

It's no good moaning about the way things are going if you are going to roll over and let her get away with it. Why did you and your other DD agree to a bridesmaid dress that didn't suit her? Why let the MIL railroad into paying for flowers that are not required or wanted?

You've given a few examples of the issues, and it seems that most of them have arisen because you kept your mouth shut and didn't speak up. It's fair enough for your DD to have her choices, but when she is getting stuff she doesn't want and your footing the bill, then you need to tell them.

I can understand that you feel hurt and excluded, but I really think you're not helping. Can you work out how much budget is left for everything, then let you DD know and work out between you how to spend it? It might stop all this over extravagance.

You want it to be a tits-out, hands-off-cocks-on-socks fuck the expense do?

We're a few pages in, and I was really hoping someone would pick up on this and seek clarity.

What kind of wedding is a tits-out and hands-off-cocks-on-socks wedding!!?

I evidently have been going to very tame affairs. Though I think I might have been at a tits out wedding a few times.

As far as we are concerned there are no strings attached.
DD and her DF thought of the venue, not even sure if they did weddings.
Look at it we said. DD said its too expensive.
They viewed it and loved it.
It was over budget so they asked us to view it.
We thought it was WOW.
We had many discussions re the cost but decided it was what they wanted so booked it.
The MIL can not afford to contribute but is happy to spend £2,500 on a couture dress for her to wear on the day????
The venue is the only decision we as DD parents have had a part in the decision making.
MIL has chosen the wedding dress, the bridesmaids dresses, the best man (her DD)
bought a card box ( which has only come out as I suggested a London red mail box,)
the honeymoon that she has said she will put some money towards, recommended her choice of flowers,
suggested alternative menus- she cant have us eating beef wellington near her as she is veggie,
Made tiaras from charity shop bits and bobs for the bride and bridesmaids,
Booked her friend to do the hair up do's and stay for the wedding. (the bride and groom have never met her)
and now wants to visit the venue to discuss decorations.
She has her own DD to plan a wedding with, let my DD plan her own??

I didn't dream of my own wedding day, let alone someone else's. I would want my daughter to have her wedding, her way.

This times a thousand!

yabu - your poor dd probably wants to keep everyone happy. the kindest thing you could do is impose a budget and say the current arrangements are topping the budget. I agree take her out somewhere & have a chat to see what she wants. Don't spend loads of money on one day but don't push mil out either. Speak your mind and when mil does, say, well I like such & such but it really doesn't matter, its up to dd as long as the whole thing is in budget - if you want this, you;ll have to compromise on that

I dont blame you for feeling pushed out and i would feel a bit jealous of their closeness tbh and would struggle with that ( but say nothing and not show it of course). However the more i read the more i think she is your daughter , you are her mum and no one can replace you so play nice and smile sweetly because if you play the long game i can see the mil wearing out her welcome pretty quickly once they are married if she continues to interfere! Give her enough rope to hang herself is my advice!

Ps not pushed out i mean railroaded.
She sounds awful !

"My mother's and my" decision isn't it?

As on their own you'd say, "It's my decision."

Or

"It's my mother's decision."

Would it be u reasonable to suggest that your daughter gets a different dress that suits her but in the same colour? This is a really modern and cool way of dealing with the bridesmaids dres situation in my opinion. It's always struck me that it's hard to find a dress that looks great on two different women. I see lots of wedding inspo where bridesmaids have complimenting but not matching dresses.

Of course your daughter getting married will have to be ok with that. But worth a suggestion?

The more you post, the more of an overbearing disaster she sounds. I agree you need to be more assertive. And if you and your dds are not happy with the bms dress, I would take it back and change it if you can. That's assuming it's off the peg and not been embellished after purchase.

Why, in 2017, are parents paying for weddings? You want to get married, get fucking married. You want it to be a tits-out, hands-off-fuck the expense do? Pay for it yourself!

Agree totally, and me and DH have made it fundamentally clear to our children that we will not be paying for their weddings. We will pay towards it, and buy stuff for it etc, but will not pay FOR it. I know someone who is on £65K a year, and whose partner is on almost the same, and they paid for the daughter's wedding dress, and for the cake. HIS mother paid for the wedding buffet, and the flowers. Everything else was paid for by the bride and groom. So yes I agree that in 2017, parents should not be paying for weddings.

My BFF has 3 daughters, only 2 years apart (18, 20, and 22,) and they are all 'courting,' and she has said to all 3 that she and their father are not paying for their weddings. Even in the 1990's when we got married, we paid for our own wedding. Didn't take a bean from our folks, and like the person above, I don't understand why parents pay for weddings these days.

I think it's really horrible to describe any man who's close to his Mum as a "mummies boy".

I agree with this. ^ It's like when people say you can't be friends with your child(ren). Why not? I have always been friends with mine. This comment - and the mummy's boy one - comes from people who aren't particularly close to their offspring imo, and they're a bit jealous of how close you are with yours.

People are being very harsh with the OP. She is entitled to feel peeved/miffed/left out. It seems that some people are OK with the MIL interfering, because 'it's her son and she's excited,' but are having a go at the OP! Like rubbing her nose in it by constantly bringing up her saying my daughter should say 'it's my mum and I's decision.' If the mum is paying for it, and not the MIL, then it IS more the mum's decision than the MIL's. Why are people being so harsh? If I was funding my daughter's wedding I would want a bit more say than the MIL too! , The MIL sounds a bit controlling and manipulative to me, NOT the OP.

All this said, I still can't fathom why you are paying for the whole wedding OP. As I said, me and DH won't be paying for our kids weddings.

She has her own DD to plan a wedding with, let my DD plan her own??

OP. I completely understand your frustration. As far as have read, you have gone out of your way NOT to impose your preferences on your dd and instead have opted for 'it's your choice darling ' only for MIL to stomp in with size 9 boots and make her opinion very clear. DD who lives near and sees MIL a lot obviously feels 'obliged' to acquiesce to MIL firmly held views - it's a form of bullying by MIL and you have every right to be pissed off about it.

IMHO you have not said 'it's my money I want to choose' but have quite rightly said 'it's my money I want DD to choose and NOT have that choice influenced/coerced/imposed by MIL. '

It's MIL who needs to wind her neck in, not you OP (although you do need to be more assertive about the BM dresses).

Arrange a girlie activity with your Dds and you - ONLY your family and try to find out if these choices are GENUINELY dds or is she to overwhelmed by MIL to standup to her.

She either likes her mil's ideas and doesn't mind her input OR she can't stand up to her.

All these things should be your daughters choise essentially.

I think you need to let it go and let your DD find her own way through this. The worst thing would be to create bad feeling and ruin what should be a special process. Don't turn it into a drama about yourself.

You can look forward though. Talk to your DD about the things she would like to help sort next and arrange times to do them together.

You've made the major decisions anyway.

So your DD is involving you in the wedding plans (as she said she would) and you're upset because she's also involving her future MIL?! Do you need a hobby?

does their hair, chooses their furnishings for their home etc

Is MIL a hairdresser? Otherwise I can't think of a single reason as to why she's doing their hair.

Choosing their furnishings? No. Just No. DD and future SIL need to grow a pair and put an end to that.

MIL sounds like an overbearing pain in the arse. If she's not reined in now she'll run roughshod once the kids come, will be inviting herself on holidays, etc.

She sounds as though she's quite happy to spend other people's (ie. your) money. I bet if she had to pay for it, the cheaper dress would've been fine, and the venue wouldn't suddenly need decorating.

But DD isn't innocent here. Has she always been a doormat/people pleaser? If this was my DD, we'd be having words. She's treating you like a cash machine, and that has to stop. Either she stops kowtowing to MIL, or she and/or MIL can pay for all these other things. But why are you sitting by and letting this happen? Speak up. Say no. If you don't point this out to DD now, then you'll be spending Christmas, Easter etc alone while DD and the grandkids are all hanging out with MIL.

This is just the start. If things aren't sorted now, the future will be full of trouble.

My parents live in another country and I have an amazing relationship with my MIL.
I love her so much and I listen to her advice, take her guidance and have a lot of involvement from her in my day to day stuff.
She looks after our son if I need to do something or want a rest. She comes over and looks after me when I am sick. She is the most beautiful gorgeous fantastic woman with a massive heart and she loves me like her own and yet my mum is still frustrated by her for example : she said to my mum after I had my baby "yes the babies need as much input as possible from all 4 grandparents" which is true and honestly came from a good place. But my mum saw it as a comment about her and my dad not being around.
I think sometimes daughters mums are subconsciously jealous of the relationship they have with their MIL.
Surely who has paid for the wedding shouldn't matter? If the money aspect is bothering you so much you shouldn't be paying for everything. Give but give graciously.
If the MIL had more money do you think she would pay more?
Money doesn't equate to love.
I want you to celebrate the fact that your daughter is marrying a man she loves and has a wonderful relationship with her MIL. Not many women do and it is such a shame. I often think it's got elements of daughters mums jealousy which spur negative thoughts in the daughter and let a relationship crumble.
Be nice to your daughters MIL, be a gracious donator towards the wedding and see the MIL as gaining a sister. It's a beautiful thing when two people get married and it's best if the whole family can see it as a celebration together.

Chin up, she's doing it from a good place.

Ps. Home made tiaras sound fantastic! Can I see a photo?

You keep referring to the fact that you are paying for everything. I hope you don't mention that to your DD half as much as you have on this thread!

This is partly why dh and I paid for our own wedding. My parents helped (they paid for the dresses and bubble for toasts) but we were very much left to it.

Mil tried to interfere a lot. Wanted her say on who we had to invite, menus, decorations etc. I politely told her that it was our wedding. She had hers (now divorced) and we were sticking to our budget. I suggested that maybe if she wanted to pay the fancy pants florist the £8k we'd been quoted for the same flowers as my friend (also a florist) could do (for a fraction of the cost and pictures on her website) she was more than welcome. She declined and stopped interfering other than to constantly tell us now that if we'd spent £££ on xyz it would have been a much better day