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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of my DD future MIL

252 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 16/03/2017 18:46

Will try to be brief but not drip feed as I know that's a MN no no!
My DD has always had a good relationship with her future MIL.
Her soon to be DH has always been a bit of a mummies boy and his Mother is pretty much involved in every aspect of their lives.
They live nearer her, she dog sits for them, does their hair, chooses their furnishings for their home etc
They are getting married this summer at a VERY expensive Wedding Venue.
There have only been 38 weddings here as it is so exclusive.
It was my influence for this venue and we are paying for the Wedding.
When my DS got married we were no more than guests at his wedding as his MIL and bride arranged everything (and paid) and everything was a secret except for the date and venue.
My DD was very put out about it as was I, as I felt very hurt. We did give him a fantastic honeymoon and paid for the photographer/videographer and Band.
At the time my DD and future Son in law said it was outrageous how we had been left out of the planning and excitement and they wouldn't do that to their DM/MIL
Now its my DD turn and instead of being excited about her wedding I feel pushed out by the MIL.
I am paying for the wedding and the MIL paid for her sons suit and some money towards a honeymoon.
She has been involved in Everything. Wedding dress shopping, bridesmaid shopping, suit shopping. she keeps going on about her favourite flowers, she has bought a card box, made tiaras for the bride and bridesmaids and NOW today I have heard she wants to visit the venue to talk through the planning and look at how it can be decorated.
My DD thinks IABU because I think she is taking over?

OP posts:
brianna5 · 20/03/2017 13:20

I will be upset if I were in your shoes but ur battle is with ur daughter. Not with her mil.

She can say oh that looks lovely, I'll sleep over it then make a decision. Go back and buy what she truly likes. Why do the decisions have to be made right there and then.
If I was you I wouldn't argue once I feel my opinion is been ignored. I'll wait for when it's time to pay and say oo am I paying for it? Well I need to be happy with what am paying for or lines of I left my bank card at home or trying to transfer some money into my current account to make the payment.
I'll be back to sort that out, then speak to my daughter when we are alone to make sure she is thinking with a clear mind rather than making rational decisions.
She will regret some decisions later, as planning a wedding can be so overwhelming especially with a million opinions.

She is ur daughter and you are paying. Have a quiet word with her without dad and sister.

AgathaF · 20/03/2017 13:25

Just as an aside, could you sew a band of fabric to the bottom of the bridesmaid dress to lengthen it?

PNGirl · 20/03/2017 13:29

Of course it didn't go well! I really, really do not think that in front of other people including an upset bridesmaid and the groom was the time to raise this which is why we all suggested a chat between you and her, one on one. Chipping in about MIL during the dress fallout will mean she feels the same type of pressure now from her own mum and dad as well as MIL.

mumto2two · 20/03/2017 14:05

This all sounds terribly pugnacious & interfering. A wedding heist in the making.
Which again begs the question as to why two fully functional adults in their 30s who wish to throw a party to celebrate their union, would not pay for it and manage it themselves?
And if a parent can't stand back and enable that independence, then they are all set for a very disgruntled ride!
When you financially contribute towards something, whatever that may be, it is natural to still feel some degree of ownership or at least some interest towards how your contribution is being spent. In that sense yanbu, but in enabling this situation yourself, I think you have to reassess your expectations on how you feel this wedding should pan out. MIL's choice of wear included!

Laiste · 20/03/2017 14:09

I don't think you should have had a full on 'discusion' about this with your son in law and your other daughter in attendance. Of course he sat there and said nothing! What on earth would he say? HIS MIL to be is saying she's not happy with the way the wedding was being planned. You put him in the same situation you're accusing the MIL of putting your DD in!

You're DD1 is correct about the bridesmaid dress thing. Why didn't anyone stand their ground on the day when bridesmaid dresses were being tried on and purchased? Why bring it up later at a family meeting? What can she do now?

I can picture the MIL and the way her family do things. Some people like to make everything a bit of a circus and the quieter ones get pushed to the back if they're not careful - but the bride is YOUR daughter. Your relationship with her should be setting the tone for how this is all being planned. It doesn't sound as if you two are close enough to understand what either of you want. You need a very gentle heart to heart WITHOUT mentioning the money side of it.

ie:
Is she happy with all the arrangements so far?
Does she feel she's under pressure from MIL?
Is there anything that just the two of you could decide on/plan/buy together?
Is her fiance on board with everything?

Strongmummy · 20/03/2017 15:01

To be frank I feel sorry for DD1. The rest of you sound demanding and overbearing, esp DD2. Perhaps OP, DD1 is involving her MIL more because she's easier to deal with and prefers her company.

Timeforteaplease · 20/03/2017 15:36

This is all going to end in tears. The poor bride. If I were her, I'd elope.

Batteriesallgone · 20/03/2017 15:37

OP doesn't sound overbearing to me at all.

Quite the opposite - she sounds terrified of confrontation, hence why her issues with decisions aren't raised at the appropriate time, and instead argued over later in a 'it's done now but I'm still hurt' passive aggressive way.

Her DD seems either similarly afraid of confrontation, or exasperated at being expected to constantly second guess her mother and sister. Can't decide which.

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 20/03/2017 16:33

I have had a long talk with my DD
She says she has found it very stressful keeping everyone happy.
Her MIL2B has apparently been buying stuff for the wedding for two years!!! They only got engaged in Dec.
She asked her to make her a tiara for a ball 5 years ago and since then every few months she gets given another one in case she needs it for her wedding.
She asked MIL2B along to choose the wedding dress as she didnt want her feeling left out like I was at my DS wedding.
Since then MIL2B has been over involved and its been uncomfortable for her to say anything for fear of offending her.
She has offered no financial help towards the wedding and insists on choosing their honeymoon.
She paid for her DS suit but tells him that will be coming off the contribution to the honeymoon.
I expained there are some things a mother would prefer to do with her DD alone, like wedding dress fitting and she agrees, so her future DH is going to tell his DM we want to go together.
Also as the venue and reception is being paid for by us we would prefer to have some input into the arrangements.
DD has said actually she doesnt want loads of props and certainly not girly flowers. As she says the venue is the decoration and needs no dressing.
Phew it seems like this needed addressing.
I did say there is no need to continue with the arrangement we havent paid the balance and have four months to cancel if its not the wedding they want.
They always said they want immediate family only, registry office and restaurant.
Then in Dec they mentioned a London wedding instead and we straight away mentioned the venue.
She says they love the venue but it wasnt there first choice. MIL2B is very excited about it though and their entire side of the family have been invited even cousins my DD has never met in the last 10 years of being with her partner.
We have 13 on our side, 67 on their side. and there are 42 friends of the couple invited too.
I think its all too much for her :(

OP posts:
KirstyLaura · 20/03/2017 17:00

I'm sorry op, your daughter just needs to stand up for herself or accept her MIL's idea of a wedding/honeymoon/marriage. Sounds pretty miserable to me and a mammoth waste of money. Her fiancee should be helping her, its his overbearing mother for crying out loud. It's THEIR wedding, if it's not what they want then for heavens sake she needs to grow some gumption and state her opinion. As for choosing their honeymoon destination, hell no!! What is wrong with people?! I will never understand how people can't just say 'errr sorry, but no thank you'.

Astro55 · 20/03/2017 17:07

Sounds like you are both in the same page - and you are giving her some choices and opt out options!

Keep talking - I think you are mad to pay for so many people when it's not what DD wants at all!

Those numbers are huge in difference!

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2017 17:10

What?? The mil2B is completely taking over. I'm glad you ignored the posters, who told you to wind your neck in. Why are YOU paying for almost 5 times as many guests on their side?????? Mil2b seems to be awfully good at spending your money on her family and keeping her own money for herself and spending it on a designer outfit. Time to get tough op. She sounds absolutely awful from a-z. And if it causes a rift and mil crys and protests, so be it!

mumto2two · 20/03/2017 17:13

Crikey..she really does sound like my MIL. This is exactly how she behaved when her own daughter was planning her wedding. In the end it was the groom that had enough of it..Did a runner three weeks before the big day! He felt if she was that overbearing before the wedding, it didn't bode well for their marriage! Trouble is SIL has never been allowed to behave like an autonomous independent adult either, and that is what happens when you enable dependency in your adult children. They simply cannot speak up for themselves. You are doing your daughter a massive disservice by not standing back altogether, and let them arrange, invite and choose what they want, with their own money. Simple as!

Jux · 20/03/2017 17:56

Poor girl, it's really run away from her. I'm so glad you had a chat with her. Now it's time to take it all in hand and stop the madness.

Your dd and her future dh need to tell his mum that this is not the wediing either of them wants or planned. It may take the threat of cancelling it and going to a registry office with just immediate family to stop mil's thoughtlessness, but I hope she doesn't need to.

If mil continues taking over, then I think that you need to take her for coffee and explain fery nicely, but firmly and definitely, that your dd does not want the nonsense mil is coming out with and that as you arepaying and as it's your daughter's wedding, then you and dd will decide things. Remind her that she has her own dd to railroad...

Batteriesallgone · 20/03/2017 18:30

How does her fiancé feel about having a female best man? Wearing a bridesmaids dress? That's super weird.

It sounds like either he has no backbone at all or doesn't give much of a fig about the wedding. Both are bad news for your DD Sad

TinselTwins · 20/03/2017 19:00

How does her fiancé feel about having a female best man? Wearing a bridesmaids dress? That's super weird
um, no it's not.

Astro55 · 20/03/2017 19:12

It's weird he doesn't have a best buddy to support him - whos organising the stag do?

TinselTwins · 20/03/2017 19:45

The DDs sister is in her bridal party so why is it weird if the grooms sister is in his?

Batteriesallgone · 20/03/2017 19:49

A female best man is weird. I've been to a lot of weddings and I haven't seen it.

I know some weddings do have a female best 'man' but generally they are dressed clearly to be 'grooms side' rather than as a bridesmaid.

It's odd to perform a role on both sides. At a wedding you are either groom side or bride side. It's the symbolism, the joining of two separate entities. Having someone swap sides during the ceremony clashes with that.

Astro55 · 20/03/2017 19:50

Well either she's a bridesmaid in a bridesmaid dress (it's in the name) or she's best'man' in a suit of some sort - can't see why she's both?

But again it's odd Groom doesn't have a bestman for the occasion- just looks like MIL has requested this!!

She could still be a witness and one or other

SheSparkles · 20/03/2017 20:18

I don't understand why mil is inviting 67 people...surely you take the total number youre going to have and divide into 3, the bride and groom have a third, bride's parents a third and groom's parents a third.

And why the mil didn't pay the addition charge for the dressmaker is beyond me-it was because of her the dressmaker,was needed!

You and your dds need to get together to sort out the bridesmaid dress issue too!

You're needing a large dose of woman up pills! (That's meant in a sympathetic way!)

AgathaF · 20/03/2017 20:27

Given your latest update, I think that you should ask your DD if she would like you to have a quiet, mother to mother word with the MIL2B. The situation is ridiculous, your DD seems overwhelmed, and someone needs to step in now. At the very least the guest list needs cutting back drastically on their side.

Astro55 · 20/03/2017 20:44

We're you involved in the guest list? Did you have a say in numbers?

Example 50 sit down meal addition 50 evening?

Or cap the price? So they could work it out and add some money if needed?

I would say to DD now she's in a better place that it's all a bit more than you can afford and need a rethink in a few points.

walkingtheplank · 20/03/2017 23:08

I was a Best Man/Woman. I wore a cream dress suit bought by the couple. Bridesmaids were in totally different dresses and all children.

emmyrose2000 · 21/03/2017 02:46

What?? The mil2B is completely taking over. I'm glad you ignored the posters, who told you to wind your neck in. Why are YOU paying for almost 5 times as many guests on their side?????? Mil2b seems to be awfully good at spending your money on her family and keeping her own money for herself and spending it on a designer outfit. Time to get tough op. She sounds absolutely awful from a-z. And if it causes a rift and mil crys and protests, so be it!

Yes, this.

I wonder if the posters saying the OP is the one in the wrong and the MIL2B is just trying to be 'nice' are reading a different thread?? MIL is anything but 'nice'. MIL sounds a bit like my sister's MIL. It almost broke up their marriage, and now my sister refuses to see her MIL.

If your DD and SIL2B BOTH really, truly just want a registry office wedding, and you're able to get the venue deposit back, I'd let them have the wedding they want.

The thing is, when you're doing what your DD is doing, by trying to make everyone happy, then nobody ends up happy. It just ends up with the loudest and bossiest person (MIL in this case) running roughshod over everyone else, until something/someone breaks and it ends up in a terrible mess.