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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of my DD future MIL

252 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 16/03/2017 18:46

Will try to be brief but not drip feed as I know that's a MN no no!
My DD has always had a good relationship with her future MIL.
Her soon to be DH has always been a bit of a mummies boy and his Mother is pretty much involved in every aspect of their lives.
They live nearer her, she dog sits for them, does their hair, chooses their furnishings for their home etc
They are getting married this summer at a VERY expensive Wedding Venue.
There have only been 38 weddings here as it is so exclusive.
It was my influence for this venue and we are paying for the Wedding.
When my DS got married we were no more than guests at his wedding as his MIL and bride arranged everything (and paid) and everything was a secret except for the date and venue.
My DD was very put out about it as was I, as I felt very hurt. We did give him a fantastic honeymoon and paid for the photographer/videographer and Band.
At the time my DD and future Son in law said it was outrageous how we had been left out of the planning and excitement and they wouldn't do that to their DM/MIL
Now its my DD turn and instead of being excited about her wedding I feel pushed out by the MIL.
I am paying for the wedding and the MIL paid for her sons suit and some money towards a honeymoon.
She has been involved in Everything. Wedding dress shopping, bridesmaid shopping, suit shopping. she keeps going on about her favourite flowers, she has bought a card box, made tiaras for the bride and bridesmaids and NOW today I have heard she wants to visit the venue to talk through the planning and look at how it can be decorated.
My DD thinks IABU because I think she is taking over?

OP posts:
Astro55 · 16/03/2017 18:58

astro i never had a fred when i got married. I think i missed out on something

You did! LOL

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 16/03/2017 18:59

going out now will be back later

  • no I am happy to involve her but she seems to put her opinion over so strongly and now wants to go to the venue. My gut feeling is why is she making decisions without helping financially? I am paying but I have not dictated what and where or who to my DD
OP posts:
Applesauce29 · 16/03/2017 18:59

It's your daughters decision, even if you're paying for everything she should get to decide on dress and flowers etc. Surely you can't get that upset that future MIL expresses her preferences? It may seem annoying that she's so involved after what happened with your sons wedding, but surely it's better to have good family relations with the future in laws? Maybe book a mother daughter spa weekend for the two of you for some mother daughter bonding alone pre wedding? Or afternoon tea where you don't invite future MIL and get to talk about what you like best. Are you intimidated by the woman?

MadMags · 16/03/2017 19:00

Is she dictating or offering opinion?

Is your dd happy for her to go to the venue?

Honestly, it's not your wedding and if you thought your money should allow you to dictate what happens then you shouldn't have offered to pay.

Astoria7974 · 16/03/2017 19:03

If she can't even stick up for her mum/family in this situation, her mum/family shouldn't pay for the wedding. Either mil puts up or shuts up.

Craicvac · 16/03/2017 19:04

So you were upset to be left out when you were the MIL and now you're upset that DD is making sure her MIL doesn't feel as you did? Hmm

AuntieStella · 16/03/2017 19:06

Your DD has learned from the hurt that was caused when your DIL did not include you. And has decided to involve her MIL more fully. That's totally reasonable.

If you want to be more involved, tell your DD what you want.

But not in ways that set it as a comparison between you and her MIL. That would be unfair

abbsisspartacus · 16/03/2017 19:07

She can look at the venue if she likes but the venue will only deal with the one paying

seven201 · 16/03/2017 19:10

I personally think this wedding planning sounds stressful and ott. It sounds like the bride is being bullied by the mil then you and feeling obliged to go with other people's ideas. I don't think my mum suggested anything for my wedding but went along with what we (as in me and dp) wanted. She went to one wedding dress shop with me. I think you should all calm down. Did mil pay for the tiara materials? Perhaps she will make decorations and order/pay for the bits and bobs herself. I think you should both back off if I'm honest. It should be your daughter and future husband doing the majority of the planning/organising.

PutThatPomBearBack · 16/03/2017 19:11

Take your future SIL suit shoppingGrin

Underbeneathsies · 16/03/2017 19:15

I don't know why people don't elope. Seems the best option, and cheapest too. I don't know why you're paying for a wedding that isn't your own?

Jealousy is the green eyed monster. Of course your DD is going to have to get on with her MIL. Would you like it if she started being a bitch to her just to please you? It's not either / or, but both.

It sounds like you don't think much of your dd's fiancé or his family.

I suggest you back out of your dd's life and get a hobby. She's made her choice of husband. Time for you to make some choices of your own about your own life.

Personally, I'd encourage them to elope and spare everyone the bother and expense.
IMO Weddings are just such a racket, and especially when there's a snob value of exclusivity of the venue etc etc. Pass the bucket, in more ways than one.

UnicornButtplug · 16/03/2017 19:18

I think your daughter sounds lovely, trying to spare MIL from feeling as you did.

PotteringAlong · 16/03/2017 19:19

Do you we're pissed off when, as the MiL, you were not included and are now pissed off because your daughter (who agreed that you should have been included more) is doing what YOU said would be the right thing to do and including her MIL?

GreyStars · 16/03/2017 19:19

Surely after seeing you so bloody upset over your sons wedding your lovely DD is just including her future MiL to make sure she feels included in the day.

if you can afford to pay, that's a kind and generous thing to do but it's still your DD and her fiancé day and everyone being included is nice imo.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/03/2017 19:20

What were the tiaras made of? How did she make them? Confused

MaQueen · 16/03/2017 19:21

Just because you are paying, doesn't mean you get to call any shots. The money you are paying should be given willingly, and graciously, without any hidden strings attached.

I have 2 DDs, and I would be thrilled to know that they had a good relationship with their MIL2Be. How much nicer and easier for my DD.

I'm also of the mind that the more, the merrier and would be doing my upmost to ensure that my DD thoroughly enjoyed the premable to her wedding, without any hidden agendas, or atmospheres, or petty game playing.

Her MIL has opinions, and sounds pro-active. I can think of far worse traits she could have FFS. It sounds like you know her quite well, so why did you think she would (suddenly) alter her personality, and come along on the dress trips and not have an opinion?

LucilleBluth · 16/03/2017 19:27

I can't believe the first few replies on this thread. You sound like a brat, your daughter sounds mature and lovely and has obviously observed your hurt at being left out. The money issue makes you sound spiteful.....you offer the money with no strings or you don't offer it.

You daughter is displaying an emotional intelligence that you seem to be lacking. Get a life

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/03/2017 19:27

So you're feeling like a cash machine. Your dd should be involving you a lot. Mil has already had plenty of involvement and if she wants to be involved with the venue, she should pay.

Two choices. Either discuss with your dd that you feel pushed out and state you want time alone. Or send a text thanking mil for offering to sort out and pay for the flowers/decorations for the venue. The only other option is to do what you're doing right now and it's driving you nuts.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 16/03/2017 19:31

I'm really surprised at this. Neither of our mothers our involved in our wedding at all, really, I occasionally ask for my mum's opinion on things but that's it.

We're paying for it ourselves though - my parents are giving us a bit towards the honeymoon but they certainly don't care when or where we go!

All our parents are still in full time work and my mum still has kids at home - I don't think she'd have time to help plan my wedding.

OP can you talk to your daughter about how you feel? Or one if her siblings, who could act as a discreet and sensitive messenger?

Booksandmags79 · 16/03/2017 19:39

Your daughter sounds lovely. The MIL can get a rough ride sometimes as you yourself found out. To have her involved says a lot about the kind of woman you've raised, you should be proud! I also made sure that my MIL and SIL were involved in the wedding and we still get on well. I'm glad I did and it meant a lot to my husband.
It's perfectly natural to want to take the lead as her mum, but not because you're paying. That should be no strings, not because you feel you're buying some rights in return.
Rather than focus on the MIL, think about what you can do with your daughter and a unique role for you. The idea of a mother / daughter day is great and then you can see what you might be able to do.
Try not to feel threatened, be happy your daughter will hopefully avoid having a MIL that she can't get along with.

CurbsideProphet · 16/03/2017 19:47

How strange that your DD and her soon to be DH need such guidance from MIL on everything. Is your DD not very confident in putting forward her own opinions?

JessiCake · 16/03/2017 19:54

haven't had time to read the full thread sorry but just wanted to add a possibly unhelpful view from the other side.

My mum and MIL loathe each other to the point they won't even mention each other's names, and it all blew up around issues relating to our wedding.

It's a fucking nightmare from our POV tbh (though in our case, we genuinely did nothing to facilitate the hatred, we just happen to have very very difficult and incompatible mothers)

We now have DC who are of an age that are starting to notice that Granny and Grandma are never at the same family events. We have to do separate birthday events for DC and we can never do a joint family Xmas thinh, which DC would love

I dread things like school nativity plays starting etc because, if there is only one show, we will have to pick which of them to invite and get armageddon from the other one. Or invite both and have hideous stress, frosty silences and bad behaviour from both.

It's a horrible position to be put in as an adult child, both for me and DH.

Just consider this, OP, while this all unravels over the next few weeks/months. Not saying your DD is handling it perfectly but it really is a horrible mess if mums and MILS end up daggers drawn.

emmcan · 16/03/2017 19:56

Why, in 2017, are parents paying for weddings?
You want to get married, get fucking married.
You want it to be a tits-out, hands-off-cocks-on-socks fuck the expense do?
Pay for it yourself!

NicLovesCheese · 16/03/2017 19:59

It sounds to me like it's the MIL who doesn't have much of a life, and as she is local she probably keeps inviting herself over/ offering to organise bits. I really wouldn't take it to heart, easier said than done when you miss your daughter.

WizardOfToss · 16/03/2017 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.