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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of my DD future MIL

252 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 16/03/2017 18:46

Will try to be brief but not drip feed as I know that's a MN no no!
My DD has always had a good relationship with her future MIL.
Her soon to be DH has always been a bit of a mummies boy and his Mother is pretty much involved in every aspect of their lives.
They live nearer her, she dog sits for them, does their hair, chooses their furnishings for their home etc
They are getting married this summer at a VERY expensive Wedding Venue.
There have only been 38 weddings here as it is so exclusive.
It was my influence for this venue and we are paying for the Wedding.
When my DS got married we were no more than guests at his wedding as his MIL and bride arranged everything (and paid) and everything was a secret except for the date and venue.
My DD was very put out about it as was I, as I felt very hurt. We did give him a fantastic honeymoon and paid for the photographer/videographer and Band.
At the time my DD and future Son in law said it was outrageous how we had been left out of the planning and excitement and they wouldn't do that to their DM/MIL
Now its my DD turn and instead of being excited about her wedding I feel pushed out by the MIL.
I am paying for the wedding and the MIL paid for her sons suit and some money towards a honeymoon.
She has been involved in Everything. Wedding dress shopping, bridesmaid shopping, suit shopping. she keeps going on about her favourite flowers, she has bought a card box, made tiaras for the bride and bridesmaids and NOW today I have heard she wants to visit the venue to talk through the planning and look at how it can be decorated.
My DD thinks IABU because I think she is taking over?

OP posts:
FarAwayHills · 17/03/2017 14:52

I miss glad you are going to have a chat with your DD, sometimes the minor details of weddings overshadowed the true meaning of the day. Just tread carefully and perhaps ask what she wants or how she feels about choices MIL has made. Its incredibly stressful trying to keep everyone happy.

Robstersgirl · 17/03/2017 17:32

I think you would be putting MIL in the same position you were with your DS let her be involved.

falange · 17/03/2017 17:37

My daughters very rich (compared to me) MIL was heavily involved in her wedding. Kept referring to herself as mother of the bride as well for some reason. Pissed me off no end. But I was poor and single and they paid for far more of the wedding than I was able to so I felt unable to protest. Looking back now all that mattered was that they had the wedding they wanted and wouldn't have needed me moaning about it. You need to suck it up I think and let her get on with it.

squeezedatbothends · 17/03/2017 17:57

Did you offer to pay because you love her and wanted her to have a lovely day or because you wanted to buy influence? If it's the former, then you need to let your daughter do what she wants - and if she likes her future MiL, see it as a blessing. I loved mine and was devastated when she died - she raised the man I love, helped me to bring my children up, helped us out in so many ways. And so does my Mum. I just feel blessed that I have an amazing Mum and had a great MiL too - think of your daughter as lucky.

jayne1976 · 17/03/2017 18:03

Not really anyone else's decision what you should buy, it would annoy me when I was Paying -even 50/50 I would want some say. She doesn't have a right to spend your money, maybe just a simple I'm not sure I have the time to go back to the bridesmaid shop / florist where you wanted the bridesmaids dresses to come from, so can I leave that with you, would give her and your daughter the gist.

Madwoman5 · 17/03/2017 18:15

I though my mum was not bothered with who did what. We organised it because she lived miles away. She gently reminded me I was her only daughter and she wanted to be involved. From that point on, she was. Just remind dd that her wedding is important to you and you thought you would be involved more and are slightly put out and hurt that FMIL seems to be doing all the fun bits you thought you would share with her....then get your big girl's pants on and push into the organisation after all, you are picking up the bill and she is your little girl.

Jux · 17/03/2017 18:34

Good luck. I hope your dd sees what's happening and between you you manage to get her future mil to be more sensible.

MuseumOfCurry · 17/03/2017 18:41

MIL is the teensiest bit tone-deaf to assume she'll have some kind of decision-making authority over the whole affair.

I understand how you must feel, OP, but you're going to have to be the bigger person here for your daughter's sake.

Writermom22 · 17/03/2017 19:14

stop paying for everything. Simple.

You are being unreasonable to think that paying for everything gives you the right to run things, that being said, your daughter could not nail every you more and the future mother in law, less. The only way you will put the brakes on all this is to stop paying all the bills.

Then you really need to sit down and talk to your daughter. Find out what she really wants because it may turn out to be very different than what either you or the future mother in law wants.

pollymere · 17/03/2017 19:56

Do something just the two of you for some Mummy Daughter time. Spa day if that's you thing or a meal out etc just because you'd like some time with just her. Nothing wedding related. I think these days MILs often get very involved with the planning, which just didn't happen when I got married. Maybe ask your DD if she's happy with all the plans just to check it's her day and not her MILs but otherwise I think you might just have to share the day with her. Maybe see if there's anything you can do... (I'd have hated handmade tiaras so it could be she doesn't want to hurt MILs feelings!) My Mum chose my veil as she said that was the Mum's job, maybe you could take this on?

SirVixofVixHall · 17/03/2017 20:10

I think your dd is going along with the MIL in order to make an effort with her, she doesn't need to do that with you as you obviously love her anyway. Perhaps she's making the effort for her fiance, as he is so close to his mother?
I would feel bothered in your place, your dd does sound as though she can't cope with confrontation and finds it easier to just agree with all her MIL's choices. Have a heart to heart with your daughter, tell her you feel a bit pushed out and that you are worried she is being shoved into choices that are not her own. I would also consider letting the MIL know clearly that you feel she's being a bit OTT (given that it is your daughter's wedding), if you can find a reasonably straightforward way of saying it, at a time when she is actually being overbearing? e.g "I think that we should respect DD's choice here, she's always loved sunflowers" etc. Be the immovable force yourself, your Dd may well want that secretly, she might prefer being able to "blame" you ("It would upset my Mum if I don't have sunflowers" etc) If she finds confrontation hard. Talking this through is the answer. Could your DH maybe talk to Dd? Sometimes things are easier from a third party.

Lovelymess · 17/03/2017 20:46

my DD never tells her its my Mum and I's decision

Confused but it's not your decision. It's your dds completely. Her day. Her decision. You both sound very over involved and needy

KirstyLaura · 17/03/2017 22:32

Your daughter sounds like a push over. Does she even have her own opinions? MIL speaks and daughter obeys. I can see why you're irritated. She's your daughter, surely you can have an honest chat with her? Just tell her you're feeling a bit pushed out and her MIL seems to be dominating the planning and taking over your daughters own opinions.

mumto2two · 17/03/2017 23:11

Her day her decision?? Yes absolutely..but this is 2017 and surely she has her own cheque book too! As for being over involved, yes I totally agree, but that's what happens when adults don't stand on their own feet and pay their own way. Have seen it all with MIL and her 'girls'...And it's very much a disguised form of pseudo control

user1464648036 · 18/03/2017 10:08

All I can see here is only 38 previous weddings. Is the honeymoon in Maui?

LakieLady · 18/03/2017 11:11

All this shite is why I got married without telling anyone apart from our 2 witnesses.

Wills and weddings so often lead to families falling out.

Jaxhog · 18/03/2017 11:12

I though my mum was not bothered with who did what. We organised it because she lived miles away. She gently reminded me I was her only daughter and she wanted to be involved. From that point on, she was. Just remind dd that her wedding is important to you and you thought you would be involved more and are slightly put out and hurt that FMIL seems to be doing all the fun bits you thought you would share with her....then get your big girl's pants on and push into the organisation after all, you are picking up the bill and she is your little girl.

Couldn't have put it better myself. Maybe your DD isn't seeing the same enthusiasm and desire to be involved from you as she is from MiL?

Frazzled2207 · 18/03/2017 11:41

I would be mostly concerned about dd being railroaded by Mil- as pp said take her out for lunch and try and get her view on things. If she really is feeling railroaded then a chat with MiL is in order. And for any future decisions a strict budget set.
At the end of the day I think you have to respect your dd's decisions.
My parents mostly paid for my wedding and tbh it would have been a massive extra stress if MIL had butted in.
As it happened she sorted the flower girl dress (her dgd), paid for the men's suits and organised the cake and kept her nose out of everything else which i really appreciated.

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 19/03/2017 17:51

Update -that didn't go well :(
WE had both daughters home for the weekend.
DD2 tells DD2 she is concerned about the dress not fitting her. The fact it is at MIL2B 150 miles away she cant try it on or get it let down.
DD2 explodes saying why are you saying this now after we bought it.
She said at the time she felt it was too short but MIL dismissed her concerns.
We cant try it on again until April at the earliest. DD1 walks away to diffuse the argument and DD1 says she may as well go home , she didnt drive all this way for an arguement etc. DH talks calmly and rationally how we feel that we would like to be included more on a one to one basis as we have had no imput into the wedding.
Explained how MIL2B has bought a card box, made tiaras and now wants to dress the venue.
DD1 starts to cry so I get up and give her a hug and stops the discussion. SIL2B says nothing.
We go out for dinner and everything seems fine, everyone happy and drinking/eating fine.
I wake up this morning and they are leaving, shout bye from the hallway and go.
Look at my phone and at 7.20 DD1 has deleted herself from our planning wotsapp group and the hen group.
We have spoken since and she says it has been very stressful keeping everyone involved and happy and all it causes is aggro and she is not doing it anymore so will be doing the final arrangements with her and her groom.
Then I see on FB MIL2B is posting pictures of bridal bouquets with peonies from pintrest.
DH DD1 and I have said we are not going to make any further comments. The fact that SIL2B sat there and made no comment was very telling. DD1 has not cried since she was 18 now 32 so that's awful :(
We think MIL2B is pressurising her as we have just accepted everything she has wanted and proposed up to this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 19/03/2017 17:55

sorry for the confusion bride is DD1 bridesmaid is DD2
DD2 walked away from the shouting, DD1 was crying afterwards.

OP posts:
MadMags · 19/03/2017 17:55

It sounds like she was ambushed by you all.

Well, this has turned out best. She will make her own decisions and that's that.

Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 18:01

Buy DD2 some hot pants to go under the dress, you can get 'control pants' that are seamless and cover the whole thigh area, not for control (sure she doesn't need that) just so she can feel comfortable in the short dress.

Personally I think you should withdraw funding. They are walking all over you.

Astro55 · 19/03/2017 18:18

I think the dress is short round the ankles? Rather than bottom?? Fingers crossed!!

Well you had your say and your daughter will go home and have a think about things hopefully it will blow over in a few days

Maybe she expected some respite from MIL and just got more of the same?

Give her a call in the week

Pallisers · 19/03/2017 18:19

We have spoken since and she says it has been very stressful keeping everyone involved and happy and all it causes is aggro and she is not doing it anymore so will be doing the final arrangements with her and her groom.

Are you still paying for everything for the wedding? So how does that work? She makes arrangements including everyone else except you and then texts you and says "send a cheque for x amount". Was she always like this?

Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 18:22

Oh well it doesn't matter then does it, if it's just where it falls. It's her sisters wedding day she should be happy in an old bin bag, a dress skimming the ankles/calf doesn't matter.

I was thinking she was worried about the flesh on show. I was at a friends wedding when I was bridesmaid and the dresses were a tad skanty...got one of those all-in-one flesh coloured control bodies that was very covering of both boob and thigh area.

Never would have dreamt of critiquing her choice of bridesmaid dress.