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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of my DD future MIL

252 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 16/03/2017 18:46

Will try to be brief but not drip feed as I know that's a MN no no!
My DD has always had a good relationship with her future MIL.
Her soon to be DH has always been a bit of a mummies boy and his Mother is pretty much involved in every aspect of their lives.
They live nearer her, she dog sits for them, does their hair, chooses their furnishings for their home etc
They are getting married this summer at a VERY expensive Wedding Venue.
There have only been 38 weddings here as it is so exclusive.
It was my influence for this venue and we are paying for the Wedding.
When my DS got married we were no more than guests at his wedding as his MIL and bride arranged everything (and paid) and everything was a secret except for the date and venue.
My DD was very put out about it as was I, as I felt very hurt. We did give him a fantastic honeymoon and paid for the photographer/videographer and Band.
At the time my DD and future Son in law said it was outrageous how we had been left out of the planning and excitement and they wouldn't do that to their DM/MIL
Now its my DD turn and instead of being excited about her wedding I feel pushed out by the MIL.
I am paying for the wedding and the MIL paid for her sons suit and some money towards a honeymoon.
She has been involved in Everything. Wedding dress shopping, bridesmaid shopping, suit shopping. she keeps going on about her favourite flowers, she has bought a card box, made tiaras for the bride and bridesmaids and NOW today I have heard she wants to visit the venue to talk through the planning and look at how it can be decorated.
My DD thinks IABU because I think she is taking over?

OP posts:
happypoobum · 17/03/2017 08:07

Have you actually spoken to your DD about how dominated she appears to be by MIL and how it makes you feel?

Astro55 · 17/03/2017 08:24

Yes bushe is paying - but she wants to pay for her daughters wedding not MIL interpretation!

IchFliegeNach · 17/03/2017 08:24

YABU
Stop being so petty and start being pleased that your DD has a nice MIL who loves her and is interested in her.
And grow up yourself. Is everyone healthy? Does your DD love her DP? And vice versa?
If so, then you are blessed and this wedding is a celebration.
Stop ruining it for them with huffing and puffing and pressure on their relationship. Save the angst for the real troubles that life will throw at you all.

MaidOfStars · 17/03/2017 08:51

"My mother's and my" decision isn't it?
to gracie

It's my decision.
It's my mother's and my decision.

The decision is mine and my mother's?

Birdsgottaf1y · 17/03/2017 08:51

""Stop being so petty and start being pleased that your DD has a nice MIL who loves her and is interested in her. ""

How is that so, when she lied to the DD to get her to buy the Wedding Dress that she wanted and has bought the BM dress that her and her DD want?

OP, you said that you didn't say anything when the Dress incident was happening, that was a mistake.

The MIL sounds as though she railroads over others. Your DD needs support to stop this. I'd be having a private word with your DD and offering backup. I certainly wouldn't have allowed the buying of BM dresses, that only suited one BM and not the Bride's Sister, your DD.

I can't imagine how disappointed your DD must be to not have the Wedding Dress that she really wanted, but to have you pay out more. For me, that would have been the end of this.

Re-connect with your DD and find out what she really wants, if the Venue is good enough as it is, it stays like that etc.

Get in the habit of doing this because otherwise your DD will be one of the future posters whose first weeks with her baby has been spoilt by her MIL and it will continue.

Chamonix1 · 17/03/2017 09:05

If I were you I'd give DD a lump sum to contribute to her wedding and leave it at that. Whatever you are comfortable with giving and then just enjoy the day.
She will still ask for help and advice I'm sure. It sounds all very complicated and if you can't pay for the wedding without feeling upset that you're not involved enough in it I honestly wouldn't pay for it.

Chamonix1 · 17/03/2017 09:10

For what it's worth I think you need to let you DD get on with it. You may be paying but honestly you sound very bitter towards mil (maybe your not but from what I've read very much so).
This is your dd and her husbands day, surely you just want her to be happy, is she happy? Sounds happy enough. Just don't show her this thread, it paints a very stressful run up to a wedding and stress about things that actually when it comes down to it doesn't matter! It's meant to be nice, the whole planning process sounds utterly painful.

Meowstro · 17/03/2017 09:12

Yanbu.

Ask DD if there's anything you can do as you'd like to be more involved, tell her how much it means to you as she's your DD and it's her wedding day. Remind her that you don't want to take over, just help. Air concerns carefully and politely but it is important they are aired.

My DM wasn't really involved in mine because my MIL got so over involved she felt she should step back. Turns out, my MIL is still gets too over involved in everything, just as it sounds your DD's is, and you can only put up with that for so long. Your DD will likely have the same battle during married life so just know, no one replaces your own mum unless circumstances with the relationship are bad already. Just don't try MIL at her own game or you'll push your DD away.

Giraffesaretootall · 17/03/2017 09:19

No suggestions really but I feel for you. I would probably feel the same.
I don't think it is all about money but more that it is a mother and daughter thing and you are feeling pushed out by her. I say that as the mother of boys only and knowing I will find it hard not to be very involved. I am sure that I won't be like your DD's future MIL law though.

Could you sit and say to DD that you're finding it difficult to not feel a full part of it or will you be jumped on?

FarAwayHills · 17/03/2017 09:24

My DM was very put out during the planning of DSis wedding due to her MILs involvement. It was very difficult for DSis that everything she did was being scrutinised and it caused tensions between her and DM causing her to lean even more on her MIL. Bear in mind that mother daughter relationships have certain tensions that your DD will not have with her MIL. Also remember that this is JUST ONE DAY and think of all the ways that you have helped your DD growing up to get to this point. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things who decides on flowers or who made a tiara? Just try to keep things in perspective OP.

dowhatnow · 17/03/2017 09:40

IMHO you have not said 'it's my money I want to choose' but have quite rightly said 'it's my money I want DD to choose and NOT have that choice influenced/coerced/imposed by MIL.
This

I think the only thing is to speak to your dd and tell her that you are concerned that she is not getting the wedding she really wants because she appears to be just going along with what mils wants. And encourage her to be a bit more assertive.

LagunaBubbles · 17/03/2017 09:49

She has her own DD to plan a wedding with, let my DD plan her own??

Oh you are just sounding nasty and spiteful now. I would be pleased that I had raised a kind, caring and thoughtful young woman if I was you, not battling petty jealousies in your head about her relationship with her future MIL.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 17/03/2017 10:30

I feel for you, although I do think there's a certain element of wanting to be Queen Bee in all this - understandable perhaps, but should be kept under control.

The thing is, although the MIL does sound overbearing, she's only making sure she's involved in her son's wedding - something you felt a lack of. So try to keep that in mind.

Speak to your dd. If she's feeling railroaded by MIL then try to help her with that. If she's happy with the way things are, then just put these feelings to one side and concentrate on being happy and relaxed for your dd. There's nothing worse than parents on either side creating an atmosphere at their children's wedding

Smurfpoo · 17/03/2017 10:55

It has to come from your DD. You need to talk to her honestly, if she's happy with MIL's suggestions and involvement then so be it. But if she's not you need to back her.
Getting into a whats app argument about what she wants flower wise is just going to leave your daughter looking at her phone going "ahhhhhhhhh" as she tries to keep everyone happy and stop you two falling out over peonies and sunflowers.

Talk to your daughter, she may be happy. She may not. But talk to her

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 17/03/2017 11:30

thanks to you all!
I needed some perspective which you have all given me.
my DD is home this weekend so we will talk more. we are very conscious of not offending our SIL 2b though.
I will wind my neck in :)

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/03/2017 11:35

IMHO you have not said 'it's my money I want to choose' but have quite rightly said 'it's my money I want DD to choose and NOT have that choice influenced/coerced/imposed by MIL.

Booksandmags79 · 17/03/2017 11:36

Also for what's it's worth I have to say fair play to you for acknowledging you could be being jealous etc too. Never easy to admit to certain emotions!

Batteriesallgone · 17/03/2017 11:38

So you don't want to talk to DD for fear of offending your SIL but you are annoyed she won't stand up to MIL...

Does she get her dislike of confrontation from you I wonder?

It doesn't have to be a nasty confrontation where someone gets upset. Just talk to her and if she wants something different she can explain that to both her OH and MIL.

Tiptoeing around does tend to lead to someone popping up who's willing to take advantage.

MrsJayy · 17/03/2017 12:09

You need to stop worrying about offending people you can be assertive without offending people you seem so bothered about appearing rude you are making yourself bloody miserable op.

TSSDNCOP · 17/03/2017 12:12

I don't get it. You were pissed off about being excluded, yet you want to boundary this Mothers inclusion.

Falafelings · 17/03/2017 13:12

I think you need to see the bigger long term picture.

It's amazing for DD she has so much support from everyone. As long as she's happy with it

Astro55 · 17/03/2017 13:16

I don't get it. You were pissed off about being excluded, yet you want to boundary this Mothers inclusion.

She not trying to exclude MIL she sees MIL dictating ALL the choices - no compromise for MIL but then I try to spend someone's else's money to isn't t?

Astro55 · 17/03/2017 13:16

Its easy

EJREsMum · 17/03/2017 13:19

TBH she probably doesn't want to upset MIL as she will have to put up with her for a long time and MIL could possibly make her life hell. You're her mum, you'll forgive her and love her no matter what.

Thinkingblonde · 17/03/2017 14:33

I can foresee your daughter signing up to mumsnet in the not too distant future. The signs are all there, her future MIL is going to be a right pita.
The groom to be needs to tell her to back off. And your daughter needs to find her big girl pants and set some boundaries now.
Speak up op, tell your daughter how you are feeling.