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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of my DD future MIL

252 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 16/03/2017 18:46

Will try to be brief but not drip feed as I know that's a MN no no!
My DD has always had a good relationship with her future MIL.
Her soon to be DH has always been a bit of a mummies boy and his Mother is pretty much involved in every aspect of their lives.
They live nearer her, she dog sits for them, does their hair, chooses their furnishings for their home etc
They are getting married this summer at a VERY expensive Wedding Venue.
There have only been 38 weddings here as it is so exclusive.
It was my influence for this venue and we are paying for the Wedding.
When my DS got married we were no more than guests at his wedding as his MIL and bride arranged everything (and paid) and everything was a secret except for the date and venue.
My DD was very put out about it as was I, as I felt very hurt. We did give him a fantastic honeymoon and paid for the photographer/videographer and Band.
At the time my DD and future Son in law said it was outrageous how we had been left out of the planning and excitement and they wouldn't do that to their DM/MIL
Now its my DD turn and instead of being excited about her wedding I feel pushed out by the MIL.
I am paying for the wedding and the MIL paid for her sons suit and some money towards a honeymoon.
She has been involved in Everything. Wedding dress shopping, bridesmaid shopping, suit shopping. she keeps going on about her favourite flowers, she has bought a card box, made tiaras for the bride and bridesmaids and NOW today I have heard she wants to visit the venue to talk through the planning and look at how it can be decorated.
My DD thinks IABU because I think she is taking over?

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 16/03/2017 22:10

With your update I wouldn't be annoyed about the MIL not paying, I would be annoyed that she's railroading your DD with what she wants, as though it's her own big day.

LilQueenie · 16/03/2017 22:15

Can you not tell her you are not paying until it is your DD who makes the decision without help from her MIL. or else slyly film it as it happens and show it to someone else who can back you up. Perhaps even remind your DD and her partner how you felt with your sons wedding. I would definitely stop paying as of now.

LilQueenie · 16/03/2017 22:20

its risky but could you return the dress and get your money back. If you help your dd stand up for herself she will thank you in the long run.Otherwise she is going to be a doormat for this woman. It will get worse once the kids come along too. Help your dd now before she loses her future children/motherhood to this woman.Its too precious a thing to lose.

Booksandmags79 · 16/03/2017 22:21

Based on your update I would book something nice for you and DD to do v soon. Afternoon tea maybe. Then have a chat, keeping feelings in check to say you've noticed MIL has overridden her choices a few times. Is she genuinely happy with how things are or does she need a bit of back up.
If you show you're just genuinely worried for her then hopefully she will open up.
If she really doesn't mind, then let her know she can rely on your support any time and change the subject.
Then as annoying as it is you'll have to let DD get on with it. Even if you have to bite your own tongue off, in the long run it's better not to fall out with anyone.

Batteriesallgone · 16/03/2017 22:22

It could just be that she likes her future mother in law, thinks she has great taste and respects her opinion. If they live close to her and she's involved in their lives it doesn't have to be because she's controlling and he's a mummy's boy. I'm far closer to MIL than to my mum and consider her a close friend as well as family.

If you are genuinely concerned that she is overbearing and making your DD's decisions for her, you need to meet up with DD one on one and discuss that.

SingaSong12 · 16/03/2017 22:33

OP have a talk with your DD about how you feel. If she feels that MiL is pressuring her maybe suggest that DD discusses this with her future DH and they can decide how best to tackle things. You are fine setting a budget but really this isn't a matter between you and MiL. If you are only happy to pay up to a certain level that is OK, talk to your DD and she can decide whether she'd like to ask MiL to contribute or maybe pay herself.

Astro55 · 16/03/2017 22:33

its risky but could you return the dress and get your money back

How do you return a dress that's be altered?

RainbowJack · 16/03/2017 22:37

It is too short for my DD2 and cant be lengthened due to embellishment

Why didn't you say that and say no, we should get dresses that suit them both.

BestZebbie · 16/03/2017 22:42

DD shouldn't say "It's my Mum and I's decision"......because it isn't. It is up to your DD and her husband. You get some measure of veto in terms of setting a budget if you are funding the event, but that still doesn't mean that you get to actually choose the detail of anything.

Ellisandra · 16/03/2017 22:45

If your thread was about MIL railroading your daughter, I might have some sympathy.

But I'm really put off by you going on and on over and again about how you're paying. Hmm

Voice0fReason · 16/03/2017 22:46

Is this your DD's wedding or yours?
Is the money a gift so your DD can have the wedding she wants or are you paying so that you can plan what you want?
If your DD is exceeding the budget, you could just give her the money and let her spend it as needed.
Has your DD said she is getting influenced by her MIL or is that your interpretation?

LilQueenie · 16/03/2017 22:47

Astro op commented the dress couldn't be altered due to the length.

MaidOfStars · 16/03/2017 22:47

DD shouldn't say "It's my Mum and I's decision"
Not least because it's terrible grammar. But since I read it, I've been niggling on whether the correct form is 'Mine and my mother's', My and my mother's', or either of those options reversed.

MaidOfStars · 16/03/2017 22:48

I think I go with 'mine and my mother's'....

Ellisandra · 16/03/2017 22:48

Maybe your daughter just doesn't care and likes someone else deciding for her?

There are lots of people out there like that. My sister frequently says things like "do you mind if I buy the same print for my lounge?". She doesn't care enough about furnishings.

My silk flower wedding bouquet maker called me almost in tears because my bouquet had been sent to the wrong person and they couldn't get hold of her to get it back - and it was short notice. I said - just said whatever you have lying around, fayre demo, whatever. I am opinionated - but not on bouquets!

Allthewaves · 16/03/2017 22:52

My mil organised my entire wedding as I lived in a different country. She was great at it. Had to rein her in a bit but did take her dress shopping as she was so excited (me and mum went later on to a shop in my home town)

pikapoo · 16/03/2017 22:58

Maybe your daughter just doesn't care and likes someone else deciding for her?

^^THIS

If your DD doesn't have a problem with MIL butting in, then sorry but YABU. Yes it must be highly annoying, your best bet is speaking to DD about how you feel but really leaving it up to her.

PNGirl · 16/03/2017 22:58

There are 2 separate issues here.

  1. You feel that if DD is going to be a wet blanket and go along with someone's suggestions it should be yours as you are the "important" parent signing the cheques.
  1. Your MIL tried opining about something years ago e.g. their sofa, got her way instantly and has got used to being in charge of their shit. DD doesn't care enough about venue decorations to cause a fuss.

Both of these may be addressed by sitting DD down and saying that you're concerned you're paying to throw MIL her ideal wedding and not DD's. See what she says.

I don't think "Whatever you want DD" was a good response for any of the occasions after the first one when you witnessed DD give a shrug and a "Whatever MIL". Speak up properly if you really do think MIL is bullying her into stuff.

Bestthingever · 16/03/2017 22:59

I don't think paying for the wedding is the issue. I bought my own dress but I still wanted my mum fully involved but not my mil. Every mum of a dd dreams of her wedding day and I think it's the least she can do for you. My dm is quite quiet and non confrontational but when my mil tried to butt in, I saw another side of her! Thank god she sorted her out. My mum gave me space to make up my own mind rather than have ideas imposed on me like my mil would have.

TinselTwins · 16/03/2017 23:00

Have you considered that your DD likes the MILs style and enjoys her ideas? Just because your paying doesn't mean the wedding has to be your tastes, maybe your DD just has more in common with her MILs tastes than yours?

Crumbs1 · 16/03/2017 23:00

I think you should be very proud you have raised a kind and thoughtful daughter who recognised when someone else felt pushed out and made a conscious decision not to allow that at her wedding. I think her encouraging opinions shows strength not weakness and is commendable.
I get you wanted special mother and daughter time but jealousy never looks good after 6 years of age. Maybe you could use that credit card a little bit more and plan a lovely 'just the two of you' spa day, afternoon tea or whatever gives you special time to be excited with your daughter. Take her beautiful underwear shopping, go and get your nails done together but don't cut off your nose to spite your face because of ill placed jealousy.

Serin · 16/03/2017 23:01

Good Lord, only 38 previous weddings?
The place must be more exclusive than Westminster Abbey itself.

I need to know how much the VERY expensive venue is costing you Grin Grin

Sorry OP but you are coming across a little bit Mrs Bennett.

GoodnightSeattle · 16/03/2017 23:01

Is not being able to confidently state your own opinion a family trait, OP? I can't believe both you and DD2 agreed to a dress that doesn't fit properly, what on earth is that all about.

I'm tempted to tell you and both DDs to woman up. MIL is taking charge because you're all letting her and quite frankly doesn't sound like anyone else has any concrete ideas about much?

"That's a lovely bridesmaid dress MIL but unfortunately doesn't fit DD2 so back to the drawing board!"

"Absolutely go to the venue, it's beautiful. However DD1 has agree that their usual daily flowers are more than adequate so I have allocated that part of the budget elsewhere. It will still look fabulous :)"

"That dress is beautiful but sadly out of budget. Perhaps we could sort out some sort of contribution from DD/DDs DH2B, DDs PIL2B as DD is so in love with it? If not an option we'll need to keep looking"

"Peonies are lovely MIL but DD is really taken with sunflowers so I think we'll stick with that, thanks for the advice though"

Not difficult. Be uber polite and smiley but ultimately be firm. It's your money and it's DDs choices.

Incidentally you do sound extremely hung up about the money. If you were going to place so many expectations on DD and secretly feel like she owes you a say in things, you really shouldn't have offered. It's not how it works.

Brighteyes27 · 16/03/2017 23:14

I think your poor DD is trying to keep the peace and keep everyone happy as the big day approaches it will be so stressful for her she may run off and elope!!!
MIl sounds far too opinionated and over bearing. She is probably creative, maybe has a 'good eye' and maybe DD wants to keep her sweet is easy going wants an easy life and isn't realising how MIL's strong opinions and influence over her is affecting you. Oh joy of joys!
I was lucky when I get married as I was older and my dad had just been forced into premature retirement so we paid for most things. My mum came dress shopping with me once when I had found my dress (after shopping on my own) but I had to beg for her company and opinion as she isn't into pomp and faff.
I asked my MIL about ordering her some flowers a corsage or some for her bag or whatever or what colour dress outfit she was wearing etc. As we were ordering button holes for men with other flowers and some for me mum. She said she would just have a basic button hole like the men. But on the day she was complaining her flowers weren't as nice as my mums flowers?!? Spend some quality time with DD and see if conversation crops up or bring it up without pressuring her too much. She will likely be stressed enough.
The wedding seems to have taken on a life of its own for the sake of keeping up appearances showing off or whatever would you not all be better happier and enjoy the day much more if you simplified the arrangements, cut back on the show, stresses and spending and focused on what's really important love and marriage?

user1489189598 · 16/03/2017 23:15

i feel like I 'get' this, OP. And what PNGirl says is spot on. And equally the post from GoodnightSeattle is right - you do need to woman up here.

You need to flag up (and your DD does need to be aware) if the money is running away with itself.

But, like others, I think it's lovely that your DD is including her future MIL. Just be aware of all the threads on here which say things like "I stopped this in its tracks early doors, and I'm so glad I did" or "I wish I'd nipped this in the bud earlier"

just because you hold the credit card, doesn't rob you of your opinions.

I really hope you can resolve this. Please talk to your DD.

Good luck. I'm really feeling for you reading all this. x