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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of my DD future MIL

252 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 16/03/2017 18:46

Will try to be brief but not drip feed as I know that's a MN no no!
My DD has always had a good relationship with her future MIL.
Her soon to be DH has always been a bit of a mummies boy and his Mother is pretty much involved in every aspect of their lives.
They live nearer her, she dog sits for them, does their hair, chooses their furnishings for their home etc
They are getting married this summer at a VERY expensive Wedding Venue.
There have only been 38 weddings here as it is so exclusive.
It was my influence for this venue and we are paying for the Wedding.
When my DS got married we were no more than guests at his wedding as his MIL and bride arranged everything (and paid) and everything was a secret except for the date and venue.
My DD was very put out about it as was I, as I felt very hurt. We did give him a fantastic honeymoon and paid for the photographer/videographer and Band.
At the time my DD and future Son in law said it was outrageous how we had been left out of the planning and excitement and they wouldn't do that to their DM/MIL
Now its my DD turn and instead of being excited about her wedding I feel pushed out by the MIL.
I am paying for the wedding and the MIL paid for her sons suit and some money towards a honeymoon.
She has been involved in Everything. Wedding dress shopping, bridesmaid shopping, suit shopping. she keeps going on about her favourite flowers, she has bought a card box, made tiaras for the bride and bridesmaids and NOW today I have heard she wants to visit the venue to talk through the planning and look at how it can be decorated.
My DD thinks IABU because I think she is taking over?

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 16/03/2017 20:01

his Mother is pretty much involved in every aspect of their lives.
They live nearer her, she dog sits for them, does their hair, chooses their furnishings for their home etc

Take it from me....your DD probably secretly hates her.

LagunaBubbles · 16/03/2017 20:02

I think it's really horrible to describe any man who's close to his Mum as a "mummies boy".

And to the poster who days MIL needs to "wind her neck in"....why? It's her son's wedding to and the OPs daughter clearly wants her involved to.

ILikeSalmon · 16/03/2017 20:02

This is my nightmare
Especially when grandkids come along.

Btw my daughter is only 8 and I'm already thinking of this kind of thing lol

I feel for you though x

miserableandinpain · 16/03/2017 20:03

This is exactly why we eloped. Cant be doing with thd drama and who is hurt etc. Op im sure dd is just trying to make mil feel inclided like you werent when you were the MIl. Have a word with her. Let dd enjoy her day. Thats all you want surely isnt it?

redshoeblueshoe · 16/03/2017 20:03

YABU. You do sound very a tad controlling

isadoradancing123 · 16/03/2017 20:04

Reign in the credit /debit card. Don't be a mug

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 16/03/2017 20:05

Maybe withdraw sleep of your financial contributions. .

See if mil is so involved when she has a tab to pick up. .

MrsJayy · 16/03/2017 20:11

I think it is lovely she is friendly with her future mil and including her in things makes a change from she is a witch, what you are wanting is for time with your Dd which is understandable but you cant offer to pay for exclusive rights to the wedding.

ladymariner · 16/03/2017 20:12

I think it's really horrible to describe any man who's close to his Mum as a "mummies boy".

Me too, I don't get it at all. Surely it's a good thing that a man is able to feel close to his family as well as being married, it seems to be ok for the woman to do it. Too many double standards on mumsnet sometimes.

EllaHen · 16/03/2017 20:13

Dear God, I really feel for your daughter. What an overbearing mother and mil she has. And she is marrying a Mummy's boy.

My parents contributed to all four of their children's weddings and got precisely zero say. We love our parents very much by the way. They just respects their children's boundaries.

Mark my words - your dd will one day fall out with her mil.

ladymariner · 16/03/2017 20:13

And I think your dd sounds lovely. You, not so much.

jay55 · 16/03/2017 20:15

Are you paying for the wedding to get some control or are you paying so your daughter can have her dream wedding?

Ragdoll545 · 16/03/2017 20:16

Your daughter sounds lovely wanting to involve her mother in law, remember how you felt when you were pushed out. I get you want this to be special with just you and your daughter but I think you're being remarkably selfish saying you're paying so it's nothing to do with the mother in law, that's just mean! Maybe take a leaf out of your daughters books and remember this is about the whole family not just you

ladymariner · 16/03/2017 20:16

Whys that then, Ella ?

KatieScarlett · 16/03/2017 20:16

I took my MIL wedding dress shopping. No one thought it was odd she had an opinion even though DPs were paying. Ditto venue, etc.

Catrina1234 · 16/03/2017 20:18

Do you feel OP that your DD is closer to he MIL than you. I ask this because you used the word "jealousy" in your OP. I really can't see that this can be the case. YOU are her mother, YOU are the one with ALL the memories of DD as a baby, toddler, little girl, school girl, teenager etc. MIL has none of those memories. They are more precious than hand made tiaras and whose paying for what with this wedding.

I don't think for a minute MIL has replaced you in your DD's affections - she maybe just feels that she needs to go along with it. Have a chat to her but keep it light hearted. When people fall out over weddings the repercussions can last a lifetime and it's just not worth it. It's all over in a day.

I do think you are paying out a lot and it isn't MIL's place to be going to look at the venue - you should be involved in that, but don't set yourself up in competition with the MIL - there lies the road to ruin.

MaQueen · 16/03/2017 20:19

[squeals at seeing KS and runs over and covers her in kisses...]

44PumpLane · 16/03/2017 20:22

Does the MIL have any daughters or only sons? Even if she has daughters maybe they aren't likely to get married or not likely to have a big wedding or maybe they don't have a good relationship.

I totally understand that you want this experience for just you and your daughter but as long as the MIL isn't being overly forceful with her opinions then can't you just be happy that you all get along?

When we got married we were hugely fortunate that my parents paid for most of it and my in laws also gave us a contribution. I invited my mum and MIL along to everything, not because they had given money but because they were both excited for the wedding and both their children were getting married.

As long as you aren't being sidelined then I think perhaps you need to take a breath about the whole thing.

However, congratulations! Weddings can be such a wonderful occasion if you let them!

OCSockOrphanage · 16/03/2017 20:23

DS (fils unique) is a bit young to be marrying, but having been through the wedding prep vicariously via my DSis and niece, I am faintly sad that I am unlikely to ever plan a wedding. Ours was a very small do, as we were old and my parents divorced (and poor with limited means). The last wedding I went to, the groom's family only got one table out of about 30. It seemed a bit unbalanced.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 16/03/2017 20:25

Tbh I think it sounds liked our daughter is allowing her MIL to take over like this. If she was offering her opinions and your daughter gave her a polite brush off, then she wouldn't be this involved. Your daughter obviously wants this, probably because she wants to please her future DH and get family approval. And maybe she also feels that she doesn't want MIL to feel left out just because she isn't paying.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 16/03/2017 20:25

*your

MaQueen · 16/03/2017 20:25

Can't believe the number of childish and spiteful posters on here, who are advocating the OP indulges in all sorts of immature game-playing, and random jealousies.

Can't believe that grown women would want their own DDs to have to deal with self-centered behaviour from their own Mum.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 16/03/2017 20:26

I see your point to an extent actually, i think it would be rude of her to visit the venue and discuss anything, by all means visit it for a look and a coffee but not to discuss anything, not as you are paying. She can't do that, it would like someone hosting a party and a guest rocking up to discuss it, she talks to the bride nor the venue, surely that aspect/the financials are none if her business

Itsjustaphase2016 · 16/03/2017 20:27

It really isn't your or the MIL's wedding to plan though!! My parents paid for the entire wedding and didnt know ANYTHING about it until the day!! Venue, food, flowers, nothing!

goingmadinthecountry · 16/03/2017 20:27

Weddings are supposed to be fun. I really hope when/if mine get married, we'll all mind our own business. I so wish I'd stood up more for what I'd wanted and worried less about keeping family happy. Really hope my now grown up children have twigged. Obviously I'll pay my bit if required.