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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of my DD future MIL

252 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 16/03/2017 18:46

Will try to be brief but not drip feed as I know that's a MN no no!
My DD has always had a good relationship with her future MIL.
Her soon to be DH has always been a bit of a mummies boy and his Mother is pretty much involved in every aspect of their lives.
They live nearer her, she dog sits for them, does their hair, chooses their furnishings for their home etc
They are getting married this summer at a VERY expensive Wedding Venue.
There have only been 38 weddings here as it is so exclusive.
It was my influence for this venue and we are paying for the Wedding.
When my DS got married we were no more than guests at his wedding as his MIL and bride arranged everything (and paid) and everything was a secret except for the date and venue.
My DD was very put out about it as was I, as I felt very hurt. We did give him a fantastic honeymoon and paid for the photographer/videographer and Band.
At the time my DD and future Son in law said it was outrageous how we had been left out of the planning and excitement and they wouldn't do that to their DM/MIL
Now its my DD turn and instead of being excited about her wedding I feel pushed out by the MIL.
I am paying for the wedding and the MIL paid for her sons suit and some money towards a honeymoon.
She has been involved in Everything. Wedding dress shopping, bridesmaid shopping, suit shopping. she keeps going on about her favourite flowers, she has bought a card box, made tiaras for the bride and bridesmaids and NOW today I have heard she wants to visit the venue to talk through the planning and look at how it can be decorated.
My DD thinks IABU because I think she is taking over?

OP posts:
ImFuckingSpartacus · 16/03/2017 20:28

I think that your DD learned from you being upset at being the mother of the groom and feeling left out, and is making sure that doesn't happen to her MIL.
If she was replacing you with her you would have a point, but you seem to want to make sure this woman feels like you did at your sons wedding? Is that fair?

KatieScarlett · 16/03/2017 20:29

Hello darling MaQ Grin

goingmadinthecountry · 16/03/2017 20:31

How old is your daughter OP?

ToffeeForEveryone · 16/03/2017 20:33

YABU and your focus is wrong.

Your DD is marrying into this family. She wants to make MIL happy because she is becoming part of her family. It's telling that you describe yourself as jealous - MIL doesn't take your place but she is going to be a big part of your DD's family life, her DCs grandmother. That's just reality and you have to get used to it.

If you see your DD is being pressured into anything she doesn't want, then you should take her corner and help her set boundaries. If your DD is involving her MIL because she is trying to establish a family relationship, that is entirely appropriate and you should respect that.

It's a wonderful gift that you are paying for the wedding - but that doesn't make it your wedding and you don't automatically get a say in what happens.

Jazzywazzydodah · 16/03/2017 20:42

Hi op, I think I'd feel the same too.

I don't think your dd has done anything wrong though in involving her but I'd like to think I was close enough to my daughter to voice my feeling e.g. You footing the bill and her making decisions.

Maybe your dd is deplomatic and clever enough to let her future mil think she has a say in her sons wedding when she doesn't really.

This woman is going to be in your life for a long time, pick your battles Wink

gillybeanz · 16/03/2017 20:43

YANBU, your dil sounds like she is happy to pander to mil wishes and has forgotten whose paying.
I too would develop some financial problems, just to see what happens then.
I'm sorry but your dd is as much at fault as mil and sounds ungrateful.

CleanMess · 16/03/2017 20:46

YABU

It sounds like you DD likes her MIL and wants to include her. It's a bit silly to be vying for chief opinion giver - you can all share the role.

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 16/03/2017 20:47

Thanks everyone just skim read the replies.
Needed some perspective.
I do like my DD,s MIL that is not an issue. I and my DH just feel she over shadows every one elses opinion and takes over.
My DD is a lovely women and mature and wouldnt dream of telling MIL she is over stepping the mark.
For instance:-
DD - I like this Wedding Dress
Me- Yes its beautiful but way over budget
MIL - Well this one can be altered to look like that one, I can alter it to make it look like the over budget one.
DD ok lets buy that one.
MIL oh I cant do it its too complicated,

Seamstress cost more than the more expensive dress.

DD I have always liked sunflowers,
MIL Oh but peonies are so much more Weddingy.
DD ok lets have them

Lots more like that and Mum pays!!

OP posts:
Booksandmags79 · 16/03/2017 20:54

I think you need to clarify the issue that's troubling you. Is it that you feel she's pressuring DD and DD is being too kind? Is it that you're paying more and she's chiming in with more than her money's worth? Is she doing things you feel you should do instead? Do you feel you should be making the decisions she is?
Really it's down to what your daughter wants. Try very hard to not let this become a big thing as you don't want to be the one that casts a shadow over the day. You mention the money a lot, if you weren't paying would it still annoy you?

MaQueen · 16/03/2017 20:59

And, I can't believe how many posters think that just because the OP is paying, she gets to call most of the shots. She doesn't.

MaQueen · 16/03/2017 21:00

Wotcha Sweetie [nuzzles KS's neck]

RooMama · 16/03/2017 21:03

OP, if your last post is true and that is actually what is bothering you, then set a budget for what is remaining and tell your DD that she or MIL (or whoever) needs to contribute if costs exceed.

Really that's what you should have done in the first place... if wedding doesn't have a budget then of course its going to end up costing a shit ton more than you want to/can afford.

And in that case you aren't jealous of the MIL, you're a bit miffed because she is seemingly ramping up your costs. Alas your fault for not managing it properly in the first place I'm afraid, but if you quietly chat to daughter about the fact that your bottomless pit of money is indeed running out it would seem based on your posts that she'd be thoughtful enough to try to wind it in a bit.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 16/03/2017 21:03

By your two examples there you have a dd problem not a mil problem. It sounds Luke she just gives a friendly opinion and your dd just agrees with her

TomUI · 16/03/2017 21:05

Just out of interest, how come you are paying and your daughter's fiance's family isn't?

MrsJayy · 16/03/2017 21:06

Since you upated the mil sounds a wee bit over excited why dont you arrange a you and dd lunch /cocktails/dinner and speak to her she maybe doesn't want to rock boats but it is her wedding and if she wants sunflowers she should have them

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 21:06

But the MIL has her opinion on everything and my DD never tells her its my Mum and I's decision!

MrsJayy · 16/03/2017 21:07

And yes set a budget

MaQueen · 16/03/2017 21:12

It sounds to me like the details of the wedding are far more important to the OP than her daughter. Her DD sounds quite laid back and easy going.

I think you need to realise that this isn't your wedding OP, and take a few breaths and a few steps back. You sound overly invested in all this.

Choccywoccyhooha · 16/03/2017 21:13

An end to the tradition of parents paying for weddings would put a stop to this. Pay for your own wedding and no one feels entitled to a "say". Everyone's happy. My parents and PIL felt like guests at my wedding, because they were guests, our guests at our wedding that we had paid for.

Rubies12345 · 16/03/2017 21:16

It really isn't your or the MIL's wedding to plan though!! My parents paid for the entire wedding and didnt know ANYTHING about it until the day!! Venue, food, flowers, nothing

That's not how it's works. If the parents of the bride are hosting the wedding then they plan it. If the young couple wants to host the wedding they pay for it themselves

GreenPeppers · 16/03/2017 21:20

Actually for the wedding dress, I would have stepped in and said 'sorry but actually it is way over budget with the cost of the mofication. Such a shame but we need to think about something else. What do you think about xxx dd?'

MaidOfStars · 16/03/2017 21:57

If the parents of the bride are hosting the wedding then they plan it
Get with the program.

Astro55 · 16/03/2017 22:03

It really isn't your or the MIL's wedding to plan though!!

Then someone needs to tell MIL

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 16/03/2017 22:04

Exactly Green peppers but by then it was too late!
The over budget dress was fantastic, there was a similar one without bling in budget.
MIL insisted it was the one and she could alter it,
So we agreed- well I didnt say anything just said its whatever you want DD.
Bought it and MIL found it was too much for her, employed a seamstress which after paying the seamstress the unfavourite dress cost more than the favourite one.
Bridesmaid dress shopping on Sat. MIL DD and my second DD.
Tried on 17 dresses in 4 shops.
My DD2 loved all of them except the one we bought.
MIL DD objected to every one as did MIL.
At 5pm after shopping for 6 hours we bought one of the first they tried on because MIL said it was the best and suited her DD.
It is too short for my DD2 and cant be lengthened due to embellishment .
DD2 5.7 MIL DD 5.4 The dress cannot be altered.
Yes I am probably being unreasonable to feel like this but any thing I or DD2 says just gets washed over.
I feel jealous that she has such a hold over DD1
I looked forward to helping plan my DD wedding but honestly feel like I cant give an opinion because it will be ignored. The MIL is involved every step of the way but her opinion is the only one listened to.
So today on bride wotsapp has prompted my post.
MIL "We" need to go to the venue to see how it can be decorated.
My DD1 DH SIL and I have visited the venue 3 times. It needs no decoration as the venue IS the decoration!!
MIL DD "we" need to order flowers, You should go for peonies and gypshilla they are very "in"
Me DD1 loves sunflowers always has but we decided the venue flowers that are there daily will be enough.
MIL what rubbish of course the venue needs flowers,
DD1 ok prehaps you should go to the venue and let us know what you think?

OP posts:
Astro55 · 16/03/2017 22:09

YOU 'I'm not paying for decorations at the venue... you'll need to sort that between yourselves'. Now out

Easy

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