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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone found their relationship was ruined by having a baby

114 replies

daffodildandeliondaisy · 16/03/2017 17:42

Hard to say how.Has this happened to anyone else? We used to get on so well.I am sad this is no longer the case.

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 16/03/2017 17:46

In what way, though.

I know plenty who found out what a selfish lazy man child they were living with, one the baby arrived (or when heavily pregnant).

Dozer · 16/03/2017 17:47

I read somewhere that it's like throwing a grenade in!

Lots of people find this: lots sort it out though!

EnglishGirlApproximately · 16/03/2017 17:48

Yep pretty much, and Ds is 5 next week. We're still pottering along but there's nothing left, we coparent and that's about it. No animosity just no relationship, we're like roommates. Ds is a poor sleeper and we have no family to help with childcare so it's been 5 years of no sleep and no time off, I think we've just given up.

SugarLoveHeart · 16/03/2017 17:49

My mother said that, Dozer. Hand grenade, if can survive babies you have a good marriage / partner.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 16/03/2017 17:51

i figure having a baby is about the most stressful and life changing experience on every level that anyone can go through so I'm amazed at how many relationships survive it!

user1466690252 · 16/03/2017 17:53

Its been hard, but we are still powering through. I love him, he loves me and I want to be with him. It was touch and go for a while but I think we are on the up. I can honestly say we didn't argue untill i was pregnant (been together years) and I don't think he was prepared for the changes in me with sheer tiredness and a difficult pregnacy. It is exactly like a hand grenade going off (I have a dc from a previous relationship so kinda new what was coming, he is an incredible father to both, but the baby stage and pregnacy was hard)

Sparrowlegs248 · 16/03/2017 17:56

Agree with bird I knew what my husband was like pre babies, I'd hoped he'd step up once they arrived. They just finished off an already poor relationship.

nutbrownhare15 · 16/03/2017 17:59

We had the worst arguments in the early days and I was frequently furious with him. We got through it through lots of talking and trying to see things from each others point of view. I still frequently put him last but am trying to be a bit better. We know things will get easier as the kids grow up (hopefully!)

Thingmcthingyface · 16/03/2017 18:03

I'd say it's actually made a good relationship great- solidified the team and the bond. DC is just one so it could still go very wrong but I think the fact that it was good to start is crucial - DH is an equal partner in the dirty work of parenting. If he'd been a flake we wouldn't have survived our non sleeper... I don't think...
How was it before DC? Have you talked about this?

WaegukSaram · 16/03/2017 18:03

First baby was like a dream, nothing changed.

Having a newborn and a toddler ... THAT was like the proverbial grenade. It took about a year for things to settle but that year was the hardest of our relationship by miles.

Doyouwantabrew · 16/03/2017 18:04

I think it totally depends on finances.

Having it all isn't the same as doing it all. That's the nub.

BaronessBomburst · 16/03/2017 18:05

I'm with EnglishGirlApproximately the only difference is my DS is 7.
I can't see DH and I splitting up, we've been together 20 years, but I've no idea if the zing will ever come back. We're both always tired; working, parenting, being responsible.

Original poster
daffodildandeliondaisy · 16/03/2017 18:15

Why finances, just wondering.

OP posts:
CanaryFish · 16/03/2017 18:18

Not ruined but there were some things said and done in the early years I won't forget.

Limitededition7inch · 16/03/2017 18:24

Ours has not been ruined but it made us realise how much of our relationship was spent doing things that very much suited us and we had a definite lifestyle - weekends away, frequently socialising with friends, holidays and even just sitting binging on Netflix if we so wished. That led to a lot of time together and we have always talked and communicated and enjoyed our experiences (I really hope this doesn't come across as a stealth boast). DH is a brilliant parent and does more than his fair share, plus we have a great support network, but we generally find we are absolutely exhausted which can lead to us feeling like we just co-exist alongside each other. We have also realised that we could have quite easily have not had children and been fine; we love DS to bits and now can't imagine life without him but we are not natural parents and that has also been a strain.

Bearsinmotion · 16/03/2017 18:27

Not ruined but there were some things said and done in the early years I won't forget.

This Sad. Especially for DC2.

Applebite · 16/03/2017 18:31

My relationship is stronger now - but my SIL turned into an absolute living nightmare when they had a baby. My DB isn't happy but he's too scared she'll take away the child and he won't see his kid. It's v sad, esp as they were happy before. I'm sure he's no angel, but she really is showing some very unpleasant colours now :(

TheMysteriousJackelope · 16/03/2017 18:31

Sleep deprivation was not kind to either of us. I can honestly say our DC's first year was the worst we ever had. Things got much better once we were able to sleep through the night without interruption. I am a SAHP as well so that also helps as we are not constantly juggling work/housework/childcare.

Now the DC are teens we are closer than before. I think it is because they are now old enough to leave on their own and we go out together one evening a week and at least once over the weekend, just the two of us.

Factorysettings · 16/03/2017 18:33

Ha, yeah, well, three kids and our relationship took a nose dive each time as soon as the sleep deprivation kicked in.

If you are in the early stages of babyhood then there's a good chance it is temporary and repairable.

DaisyQueen · 16/03/2017 18:36

Our first was fine but she was quite an easy baby. Second baby was really hard, bad sleeper and cried pretty much all of the time. That put a strain on us and we sort of drifted apart and he started going out more, we even split for a very short time but we managed to pull back together after airing everything we thought was wrong. Now expecting number 3 and he is great, supportive and we spend quality time as a family.

Honeyandfizz · 16/03/2017 18:41

I don't think I would say dc ruined our relationship but it definitely pushed us apart instead of closer together. We had dd & ds 15 months apart so it was full on for the first few years. They are now 12 & 13 and we separated amicably last year.

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 16/03/2017 18:43

I secound how hard things were after DC2. To be honest if I wasn't walking around in a depressed fog at the time I would have left. I'm glad I didn't. Things are really good now, we are expecting number 3 and we have got the support we need plus DF is well aware of the realities etc now.

I can't decide if he genuinely didn't like me/found me unattractive or if he was emotionally involved with another woman at the time but he was cruel.

The other day I mentioned how I have never felt more like we are a team and he said "I'm so surprised I feel I have let you down so much these past few months " to which I replied " I guess that shows what your behaviour was like before "

Actually the turning point came when he had a bad review from his boss - it was very very humbling for him and the way his boss spoke to him and treated him was how he had treated me. Big wake up call. Thanks boss!

RyanStartedTheFire · 16/03/2017 18:43

I think it totally depends on finances.
Eh? How do you figure that one?

Valentine2 · 16/03/2017 18:44

It pushed us apart and then pulled us back in. We are probably stronger than before but it was an uphill battle before that. We are not natural parents either and both super ambitious. It has been very draining. But it's getting better but by bit as we have learnt to set doable targets and to celebrate achieving them.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 16/03/2017 18:44

We've got stronger each child, I'm thankful for this! We have a 4 year old, 2 year old and 4 week old, also my husband had an almost 14 year old. Things can be hard, stressful and tiring but we're a team and always try to make a little time for us. That time is most often just watching an episode of something together once the kids are in bed (except baby) .

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