To ask if anyone found their relationship was ruined by having a baby

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

Hard to say how.Has this happened to anyone else? We used to get on so well.I am sad this is no longer the case.

Its not easy but i have found now the kids are getting to stages when they can express what they want and can do small things like go to the toilet themselves it is getting easier. So im hoping it just gets better...? Time will tell. I have found dh has matured more in the last year than since the begining of our relationship. So i think it just depends on the people

english and baroness I feel this way too. DH is an amazing dad and we co-parent like a team but it is hard to see any of 'us' (man & wife) left. Is there any hope?

I think this brings out the kind of person your partner is actually.

This is so true!

I echo what people say, it was the second child (dhs forst biologically but brought eldest up from 1yr old) that has caused the bomb. 2 kids is a whole different breed of crazy and we both underestimated it to be honest.

Yes its a grenade, whirl wind, tornado, no one can ever ever prepare you for it - and if you have no one to say " take the baby for a coupe of hours " whom you trust, to get out and be together, its unbelievably hard.
For me first time, It was my hormones my PMT went into over drive - second time round better prepared, knew what was coming, got things to help myself more.
Op if your struggling I wouldnt use this time as a judge, be kind to each other.

clara what a sweet story, interesting take on it

Children can be hard work and you'll sacrifice a lot, but it will be worth it. DS is amazing and we don't regret for a single second having him. He's 5 now and very independent, very different from the baby/toddler stage.
It has cemented my love for DH, seeing him with DS and how their faces light up when they see each other.
I learned a lot about myself, and together we learned a lot about each other and about our relationship. It has made us stronger and I love him more now than I ever did, and I didn't think that would be possible. It's not all bad, and we're about to do it all again as I'm due in a few weeks with DS2.

We only have 19 months between ours (they're now 1 and 3) and the first 6 months of DD2's life really tested us as a couple. We've had two awful sleepers (3 year old still doesn't sleep through) and I was seriously ill just after DD2's birth. However we talked regularly and knew that all the issues we were facing as a company were temporary, and we would come through it eventually. And we have! We've started going out together a lot more, the odd night away, we sit at the table and talk/eat/have a glass of wine in the evenings. Life will never be the same again but it's still great (in a different way!). Our relationship is stronger now.

*as a couple

I fancy my DP even more now (1 month old DD), just something about a hunky bloke cuddling a beautiful baby melts my heart.
Pre-baby I was quite worried about how he would do, would he leave it all to me? Etc but to my most pleasant surprise he has stepped right up, is as hands on as me, takes over when he gets home from work, just being a general all round good egg.

It's hard. DS has just turned one and I said to DH the other day that this last year has been the best of times and the worst of times. The highs have been high but the lows have been very low. We have had more arguments in one year than probably in the whole of the rest of our 10 year relationship. Sleep deprivation can be blamed for a lot of it I think, and DS has been a pretty good sleeper really, so could've been a lot worse!

Yes

Yes, I'm afraid.

I think if you don't communicate there is a risk the relationship doesn't survive the baby. You are exhausted and sleep deprived, its relentless and your life together changes completely as you can't do all the things you used to do whenever you want to do them.

It also brings out in to the open issues and attitudes that may not been obvious before, so attitude to finances/spending when one of you stops earning/reduces earnings, how you feel about your careers, your values and beliefs over how you want to raise your children, relationships with extended family. We also found that we each felt hard done by, me for how much a baby had impacted my life, career, body, social life compared to my dh, my dh because I got to spend so much time with our dc and do so much with them and the bond that developed as a result, while he trudged off to work.

We had lots of difficult conversations, but now expecting our third dc and relationships is as strong as it's ever been. The secret for us has been communication, especially when we are pissed off with each other, and an agreement that it's hard for both of us in different ways and we try not to be competitive about who has it the worst. I think it's quiet resentment that does the damage.

Don't underestimate the shock of that first baby either. It's been much better with number two and three as despite it being harder having more children, I feel much more like myself than I did in that period after having your first child when your whole sense of self can be shaken.

I disagree that the second child causes the bomb - not in our case anyway.

With the first you have no idea what to expect, nor do you know what sort of a parent you'll be. Dh and I have the same values but our parenting styles are very different. So with dc1 it was all about huge adjustment to everything and having to meet each other half way, learn to communicate our needs effectively etc and there were loads of disagreements about how to do things (he's stricter than me). It was all consuming and bloody hard work. We argued a lot at first and we argued very badly.

With dc2 we've already done the hard work on learning to co-parent, we each trust each other to ultimately do a good job, we trust ourselves and believe in our own ability to parent as individuals as well as a partnership. Arguments now are few, far between and short lived and invariably not about the children or how we parent them. We also know it's crucial to make time for 'us' when we're feeling the strain and communicate calmly to each other any frustrations.

We're not as intimate as we once were, but after 15 years together it's moved onto a different level. We're much closer in many other ways. He's my closest ally in life and the only other person I'd trust my children's lives with - the only other person who would die for them. He's the only person I can see myself with in old age once the children have flown the nest.

Having children has definitely changed our relationship - very much more for the better. I realise now how fortunate we are to have each other.

I couldn't say.

I was only with my OH for 6 weeks when I became pregnant- so we didn't have much of a live together before kids!

My DH is mature, kind and has a strong sense of duty. He's also very funny and hardworking.

The early days were some of the best in our marriage.

But having a difficult teen almost broke our family. And it goes on for years, not months.

My baby is only 3 weeks old. And I've got a son from previous relationship but it's made us stronger, we've been pushed together (in a good way) and I have new appreciation for my partner. He's the best thing to ever walk into my life and truly I feel so blessed. I hope it stays like this

It was definitely the second child causing the bomb in our case. Two non sleepers nearly killed us. I'd be up 3-4 times a night (at least!) bf-ing DD2 and DH was up numerous times with nightmare sleeper DD1 (who also had a massive sleep regression when DD2 was born). No chance of any respite for either of us, and it really took its toll.

I think the DC took up all the slack in the relationship that made everything easy for both of us, and now our edges frequently grind together. It's not pretty. At the moment I'm biding my time until the DC leave home, but I'm also holding on to a small hope that as they get older that we will get some of that slack back and find our love for each other again. Because it seemed so good before the DC.

Would add that DH and I have never argued in our nearly quarter of a century together. Our teen almost broke us as a couple because I got within a whisker of taking my two younger kids and leaving - I couldn't cope with her.

Yes it has for me. I realised what a selfish lazy arse DH is. For me there's nothing left except our intertwined lives and finances.
I find myself longing for a "boyfriend" as there's none of that between DH and I. He has his life and joins in with the family when he fancies. Occasionally we go out for dinner, last weekend we had a night away but it doesn't make a difference now.

I think it comes down to appreciation. I had always been reluctant to have dc for exactly this reason, my mum had dc when I was a teenager and I knew just how demanding it was and how difficult it could be to adapt to.

The early years with my dc were a nightmare. Ds1 was so unwell that he was in and out of hospital the whole first year. I had nightmare after nightmare with mastitis, milk supply, you name it. Just as I was getting the hang of it ds2 came along and was another non-sleeping, refluxy, demanding baby. Neither of them slept through the night until they were over 4 years old.

But because dh was always so appreciative of what I did, it actually drew us much closer instead of pushing us apart. He often acted as my punching bag as I was at the end of my tether, but he did it willingly and was always very vocally grateful for what I was doing for the dc.

I remember once when I was being particularly unreasonable and trying to get a rise out of him so I could lash out at him he said 'you don't need to push me to be angry, you can just beat me up if you need to do so to carry on being loving to my children. I will never feel anything other than loved by you so long as you are taking such good care of them'.

It made it possible for me to go the extra mile with the dc, and it made me feel very grateful that I have such a supportive partner. We'd already been together 15 years before having the dc, and have always been close, which probably helped.

Now we are out of the baby phase our relationship is better than I could ever have imagined pre dc. We've lost the painful bits and have kept all the benefits.

My ex pissed off soon after DDs birth. He couldn't handle the responsibility despite wanting to be a parent. I'm certain that I want no more children. I'm only 24 and looking at sterilisation.

Ha!

Not only did a baby ruin my sleep patterns, my relationship and my undercarriage, it ruined my finances as well.

But seriously, we never fought as much as when the baby wouldn't sleep for a year. I was a mombie with exhaustion.

Don't be upset about how much you're arguing. It happens.

You've got to know how to argue you see, and you'll survive.

Fight fair with passion about the thing that's upsetting you as soon as you can. Get in there and fight for what you want.

Don't drag in any other issues. Last week's dishes aren't on the menu. That was last week.

Don't play the blame game. It's often no ones fault. Maybe just exhaustion, pain and poverty.
But the solution is for both of you.

Don't use the words "I always, you never" or "you always, I never" ever, ever.

Play fair, no personal attacks for eg, and go for a win win.

Don't be afraid of causing a scene and getting all the frustrations and anger out, it's very cathartic, and essential if you want to get beyond the sticking point.

Don't be a pushover. You'll explode with frustration and it's actually very harmful to be too nice and compliant, because you're not being truthful and communicating from that truth.

Good luck 🍀