To ask if anyone found their relationship was ruined by having a baby

[daffodildandeliondaisy]

Hard to say how.Has this happened to anyone else? We used to get on so well.I am sad this is no longer the case.

My DD was 12 weeks early, and was in NICU for 2 months. That time was awful, but every night I set an alarm to express 3 hourly to keep my supply up, and every time DH got up with me, and once finished he sent me back to bed and he'd wash up, sterilise and set up for the next time. Having DD in such stressful circumstances has only made us closer and more connected.

It shocked me how much he changed. I still don't understand why that happened but it did and we dealt with it.

I think the sleep deprivation alone brings out the worst in all of us! Some more than others

Relationships take a back seat when the kids are young I think - everything changes and you're tired so time for each other gets put to the back of the list!

Overall though DH and I are much stronger and solid than before. DS2 was a really poorly baby and lots of time in hospital and operations, I found it immensely hard to deal with and I shut everyone out. I never left DS2 for a second, I didn't trust anyone to look after him like I could. DH was amazing, he never got cross or impatient, he just quietly and gently carried on loving me and let me deal with it in the only way I could. Once things calmed down with DS2 (thankfully now fine with just minor issues) and I relaxed and became myself again I can't describe how much love I felt for DH for putting up with me!! He never faltered in being supportive so it really showed me the type of person he was. He would just say we have years for just us so don't worry about me, make sure the D.C. are ok and happy and we'll get time when we're able.

He was right and now they are 7 and 8 we have time for each other and time to talk and go out and share interests again. And our sex life is definitely back on track but it did take a good 5 years!!

Having my DS broke me & my ex-H, DS was very ill & in hospital an hour away from home for 3 months. I stepped up, he didn't! I realised that prior to having a child I'd never had to rely on him for anything as had been very independent & the main breadwinner. Once I had a sick child & was diagnosed with depression I needed him & I found out he couldn't or wouldn't be the man I needed. I'm still disappointed to this day as we had a great relationship before all the drama & I loved him deeply.

For me it's not DH that's the issue, it's the lack of sleep and how bloody grumpy we both get with so little. If you function well on limited sleep then that helps a lot. Sadly we don't. But DD is 14 weeks and we haven't killed each other. We either get on REALLY well or stalk around kinda hating whoever has had some rest. Pregnancy was a breeze for him and when this tiny person arrives it can be a rude awakening for them.

I think about this a lot. DH and I are struggling to conceive due to his low sperm count. We were trying to start IVF when I fell pregnant by some miracle in December and then sadly lost our baby in January.

We are so desperate for children and the last few years have been the worst of our lives and we've taken quite the battering but if we're ever able to have children what if they completely finish us off?

ToFilling I would have said that but the fucker was working away from ds being 1 month old to being 8 months old. 4 nights sleep he had without a bf baby grunting at the side of him. And when he came home at weekends he never really woke when ds did.

Could have stabbed him several times a night while he was snoring peacefully and I was bfing 5 times a night, 7 days a week.

It definitely affected me though. I was so tired and emotional and bloody lonely. I felt very isolated and relied on dp coming home and being nice. He used to come home and try and stamp his authority over the household.

Once I realised what he was doing I snapped. We were doing some admin for the business, some invoices and wages. When I pointed out that we were paying more out than what we had pulled in he started chuntering that it was his fucking business and not my place to interfere.

I lost my shit right there. The business is in my name and always has been. We have always been equal, made decisions together and decided what to do with issues. I had pulled us out of the shit twice before, got payments numerous times from contractors that didn't want to pay and identified issues before they had even happened.

Told him because I was looking after a newborn and tired it didn't mean I was stupid. I could still do the maths. And if they weren't putting enough work up (we are builders) then they wouldn't be getting paid.

It was like ww3. That's when I told him to go. Have never been spoken to like that by him and wasn't starting now.

It worked though. I think he had a bit of a wake up call at that point. And we slowly got back to normal.

For us it was definitely the shift in me.being the independent, in control decision maker. To being a mum to a newborn and being a bit vulnerable and needing reassurance and support. It never dawned on him until I told him that he should do that.

We are good now though. But it definitely influenced my decision about having another baby.

A pp mentioned finances and a couple of people have questioned it but I have to agree that I imagine it plays some part.

I am Mum to twins, it's fairly relentless but I'm lucky to have a lot of family support during the day. Another twin Mum from our group is substantially better off than us financially and is able to afford a night nurse several nights per week. They also have family support and a husband who works very flexibly. So the ability to have several nights per week of solid sleep surely has to keep you slightly more sane.

However all the money in the world won't help you if your partner turns out to be feckless! I'm pleased to say that my DH truly is the man I married. We do have arguments, things change, we are busy and tired and stressed but that's to be expected.

Agree having a child shows you what sort of man your partner is really. I knew, deep down, from about mid way through my pregnancy that the relationship wouldn't last. I left last October, our child is 2 in a couple of months.

We get on well enough but I've yet to forgive him for making my pregnancy and our child's first year so fucking miserable.

lilac you summed it up for me! The lack of sleep was the issue for us

No help, no childcare, no nothing. No time to ourselves. Rarely time to converse without a child interrupting (either deliberately or accidentally - I open my mouth to speak and one will cry, or fall over, or drop something, or crash into something.) Not had a chat over coffee in 8 years. Not seen a movie. Not had a second together that didn't involve a child. Well, there are the evenings. Where we sit quietly wondering what to say while I cry.

We don't fight between us, which is good, but we tend to feel like comrades-in-arms battling through monotony and relentless boredom, which doesn't leave any time for laughter or conversation.

I really miss having a romantic partner. Dates and chats and feeling happy together. I miss that the most. Now it's all just bland chat about kid crap and maybe a few comments about how work was (interspersed with kid crap.)

I don't think it is necessarily always a case of a child showing you what sort of man your partner really is. Although undoubtedly that happens often.

I've seen plenty of relationships fail following children where the man has been a very good hands on dad. What's changed is that the woman has become "mummy" and nothing but. That's understandable in the early days, but as the baby becomes a toddler and then a child, you have to remember you are also a wife/partner and not JUST mum. I've seen women literally become a totally different person with no vestige of the individual they were. It's not just the relationship that's changed but the woman.

I think the strongest relationships are those that weather the storm are where after the initial grenade and a year has passed absolutely make time for each other and connect solely as partners and not parents, even if it's an hour or two here and there, with that building up as time goes on. Yes, a baby should come first. A child should become a priority - but not always first. Not quite the same things.

I find it interesting online dating how often women put on their profile "I'm a full time mum" or "full time mummy". So, how can you have time for a partner, even good one?

It's hard, and three months in we still haven't quite worked out how to be on our own and have sex with any regularity but when I see my husband with our little one I love him more than ever. Seeing him become a dad Has been the most wonderful experience.

roanoke that sounds like us. We only have one child but with working ft and no help nearby the evenings are just silent. Its really lonely.

For me it isn't about showing what dp us like, there seems to be an assumption that the man is generally to blame were but I think it's me to be honest. I don't like being a parent. I love Ds to bits but there isn't any part of being a parent that I enjoy so I'm acting from the minute I wake up until the minute Ds goes to bed. After being 'on' all day I'm knackered. Ds is brilliant and obviously doesn't have a clue how miserable I am because I make myself do all the things a good parent does but it's exhausting pretending all the time.