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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone found their relationship was ruined by having a baby

114 replies

daffodildandeliondaisy · 16/03/2017 17:42

Hard to say how.Has this happened to anyone else? We used to get on so well.I am sad this is no longer the case.

OP posts:

Valentine2 · 16/03/2017 18:45

I think this brings out the kind of person your partner is actually. So I can imagine it becoming a make or break deal for quite a few people.

RyanStartedTheFire · 16/03/2017 18:45

DD3 is 11 months old and we are closer than ever.
Although DD1 is from a previous relationship but he was there from 3 months onwards and we lost DD2 in pregnancy.
We went into the relationship with a child already being involved (mine) so nothing has changed. He is massively involved and loves being a father. We wouldn't be together if he wasn't though.

Mikethenight2good · 16/03/2017 18:45

Same here Canary

troodiedoo · 16/03/2017 18:47

"When poverty comes through the door, love flies out the window"
According to my Ma.

mememememememmeem · 16/03/2017 18:48

Yes i can absolutely understand how having children can break up a marriage. Its hard. Really hard.
I often think back to before we had children and how different/better out relationship was. It puts a massive strain on and my dp is so good with the children and everything. I suffered post natal depression and even now i think my dp deserves someone better than me

Deadsouls · 16/03/2017 18:49

Yes, though I wouldn't say 'ruined'.
Basically every crack and problem that was there beforehand became highlighted tenfold. Except now we were stressed and tired into the mix. I didn't really enjoy the baby baby stage and was pretty stressed out. Poor ex-DH didn't get a look in. But to be honest I think we didn't pay enough attention to the relationship until it was too late.

Valentine2 · 16/03/2017 18:49

we're a team and always try to make a little time for us. That time is most often just watching an episode of something together once the kids are in bed
^ This. And time for sex too. I think sex makes a big difference. It is one of the cheapest and quickest way to produce happy hormones. In the beginning, it took us both some practice to get used to having no concept of privacy and it all felt awkward. But that goes away over time. You might not have time or energy for a movie or episode together. Or one or the other might feel bored or not up to it. But sex is really quick and helps you get into that "switch off" state afterwards where sleep comes quickly and I think sleep always helps at that stage. sleeplessness due to the constant threat of toddlers trying to kill themselves up around you

LoriD · 16/03/2017 18:49

Depends really it strengthens my relationship in the long run and I've gains great respect for my partner and his caring nature has really came
Out, but at the same time in the early days I was so tired and depressed that me and dp went through a rocky few months together before coming out the other side

Deadsouls · 16/03/2017 18:50

Oh and sex went out the window. I found that I totally lost interest. Again not down to babies exclusively I'd say.

mycatloveslego · 16/03/2017 18:59

For a while, yes. Now we are stronger than ever.

We became very distant after DS1 was born, he had a stressful and demanding job he hated and I was in maternity leave from a stressful and demanding job I loved. I resented every minute he got to spend by himself, I missed my job and 'lost myself', but didn't realise initially that was what the problem was.
I felt guilty for not enjoying my maternity leave, but being a SAHM is bloody hard and just wasn't for me. I went back to work early, got some much needed balance back in our lives and things just clicked back into place again. Having children is like a freight train crashing into your life at full speed. If you can make it though that, you can make it through anything.

2017SoFarSoGood · 16/03/2017 19:03

Daffodil that first year was a nightmare. I may well have had PND, but it was truly awful. If I'd had an easier option to leave I would have done so many times. However, the terrible times passed and we worked things out and got better at figuring out the new dynamics a family created.

Here we are 35 years later and it gets better every year, so hang in there if you think it is worth saving.

for you regardless.

notanothernamechangebabes · 16/03/2017 19:04

... interesting to read all this.
DP and I found ourselves pregnant ... errrr.... 4 months after we started dating (yes we were using contraception. It didn't work.)

He had never wanted kids, and is much older than me, divorced and was utterly distraught.

I decided to keep the baby, and gave him a totally free choice - no judgement, no pressure- he could be as involved as he wanted. If he wanted us to move in together, and be a family- great. If he wanted nothing to do with us- also fine.

He wanted the family.

So almost out while relationship has been pregnancy and baby.

Man it's been tough: we have no support network to speak of. DP has been working like a dog for months, so I've been alone a lot. Sex has been off the cards since birth. And I have to say we've nearly not made it a few times. DP has felt quite left out as he's at work so much. I've felt a bit unsupported for the same reason. Weve been brutally honest with each other. We've said some awful stuff. And we've said some stuff so heartfelt and loving, we've both been teary.

DS is an angel. He's a truly fabulous baby. I don't regret having him so soon- and I honestly think he's our saving grace. we both want to be better people for him, so we ARE better people for him.

DS hasn't ruined our relationship. He's made it.

PugwallsSummer · 16/03/2017 19:04

Definitely after our first - I felt it changed my lifestyle but his kind of carried on unscathed. I resented him so much! Four years later and we now have DD2 and things are great! Don't know exactly when the shift happened or why, but we weathered the storm. If we didn't have a whole raft of financial issues atm, we'd be unbelievably happy.

notanothernamechangebabes · 16/03/2017 19:06

Oh forgot to say the most important bit!!!

DP told me the other night he thought I was the love of his life- but then we had DS.

I know some people wouldn't like that/ but from a man who used to blanch at the thought of being a father- I had to go off for a little happy cry by myself.

Obsidian77 · 16/03/2017 19:07

I agree 100% with what Limitededition7inch said.
Having DCs has meant that everything we used to enjoy doing together as a couple has gone out the window. That has been hard to adjust to.

smilingsarahb · 16/03/2017 19:08

The baby bit was ok, but it turns out we have very different ideas on discipline and how to share caring and earning and it seems to make us both miserable.

cuirderussie · 16/03/2017 19:20

Yes we were very battered by 2 non sleeping DC in three years plus my older teen plus financial woes. Just exhausted and miserable and often took it out on each other. It's much, much better now in every way, I'm so glad we kept going!

GloGirl · 16/03/2017 19:21

We've had to work really really hard to be nice to each other. Every energy was spent on getting through the day we had none left to be pleasant . I agree with a poster above that DC2 was really the last straw.

We're getting through it but I think we will have to put a lot more time back into the relationship once DC are at school and exhaustion has lessened.

Timmytoo · 16/03/2017 19:25

I don't know. I'm too scared to have a baby for reasons above.

DJBaggySmalls · 16/03/2017 19:25

ExDH decided it want what he wanted after all, it was too much like hard work and responsibility. He fucked off leaving me to it.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 16/03/2017 19:27

@Timmytoo you're not alone. That's exactly how I feel.

Timmytoo · 16/03/2017 19:30

Thank goodness it's not just me Hodge so thank you 😊

AutumnEve · 16/03/2017 19:35

Timmy and Hodge me too. These issues have always been at the back of my mind, to the point that DH and I have delayed TTC until only recently (been together 10 years). Now I'm having doubts again but then we don't not want to have children either.

Anyone care to shed any positivity or is it really going to change everything?!

weeblueberry · 16/03/2017 19:44

I discovered what a loving and patient man my partner was when we had children. I'm certain there were days I was an utter nightmare to be around due to pnd and sleep deprecation but he was excellent throughout.

We'd discussed things like attitudes to discipline/eating/behaviour/sleep before having kids so pretty much knew for each other would be afterwards.

ClarabellCow · 16/03/2017 19:45

I was pregnant before I had been with dp for a year. It was pure dumb luck that we have managed to get this far! The best things we have in common is that we both believe in marriage, both believe in a stable home for our child, and both believe that with communication and respect anything is possible.

I didn't love him right away, but it has given me an understanding for arranged marriages. Because we have respected each other and worked on our relationship I now love him entirely. My stomach does happy flips when he comes home () (He claims he loved me from the day we met, not sure I believe in that.)

So our child did make our relationship, but it was a rocky road to get here.

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