To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

I do agree that there is also a bigger issue about this type of trip. The North Pole is already suffering badly from the effects of pollution and other problems brought by visitors to the area, and therefore trips that are essentially mid-life crisis jollies are things that should definitely be avoided.

I remember your threads about your batshit MIL. I'd refuse point blank to give him your blessing unless he could take his mother out of the equation. And I'd make it clear that that was HIS issue to sort out.

Then again, I like to think I wouldn't have let it get to the stage where I went to visit the MIL every day, or let her exert such control over me.

These two statements have made me

I think marriage should enhance your freedom, not curtail it

It's not really his marriage that has curtailed his freedom so much as his decision to have 4 children. All of us, even the multi billionaires, have to make sacrifices from time to time for the good of our families. That's just life. I would have loved to spend some time travelling alone in Asia but I decided to have children instead. I can't just dump my portion of the responsibilities on my husband and disappear because the mood takes me.

I have extremely strong views against spouses controlling their partners.

I'm amazed that it's seen as controlling to be opposed to the idea of taking on all of your partner's family responsibilities (including his mother) for 3 months without the prospect of a break. I think it's far, far more controlling to dump all of that on your partner against their will by guilt tripping them with talk of your life being "half over".

And that's before you consider the impact on the children of their father being absent on a jolly for 3 months (not the same as having to be away from them for work) and the fact that these expeditions can be dangerous. People die. I think it's irresponsible to take unnecessary risks like that when you are a parent.

Thankyou - sorry I was just on the school run.
If he could do a shorter version, that might be an option. He hasn't mentioned this though. He's been talking to the organisers and apparently has some vonnection with some other people doing it, but he's away this week, so I haven't had the full details. When he mentioned it last week, I just thought he'd be gone for a fortnight or something. I had no idea.
I think the boys would be ok S they're older, but the more I think about it, it sould be to much for the girls andI don't think he realises how much they miss him - even this week.
Even if MIL goes to NY, DH will, as usual, have to physically take her because she won't fly alone and BIL will have to bring her and her bags back, so even that is another thing to contend with.
I think it's all too much, unless he can do a shorter version than he is planning. Thankyou!

I also remember the thread about your MIL.
I would let him go, but only on the provisal, that his DM, goes to stay with your BIL and his wife, for the whole of the time that he is away, not just a month.
Strictly no compromises.
This is a fair deal OP.

I read somewhere about men in their midlife crises using this type of event to boost their own ego.

It is very selfish! He can donate money he would spend on the gear and the prep and the earning from 3 months to this cause.

Would he do it? If the answer id no - you can see how this is his ego trip not the cahritable endavour.

I would be asking myself whether my DH deserved my support with something like this. I would offer my support to a fully equal, hardworking partner who pulled his weight with the kids and the home (obviously in proportion to his paid job and mine). I would not be supporting someone who leaned heavily on me the rest of the time anyway. Which is it?

If your DH is so desperate to do something charitable I suggest that he donates the money for this trip to a charity that supports Iranian and Kurdish women's rights. I'm sure he won't agree to do this because it doesn't involve an adventure holiday that gets him away from his family but it would be far more effective.

I agree, it's not "for a good cause" - these jollies are totally transparent even if there is some money going to a cause somewhere. YY to going teach entrepreneurship and business skills to girls in refugee camps, support a charity for women's rights, pick a cause and support it. But those choices doesn't let these guys show off their physical prowess and eternal youth and stamina and all that and have the adventure of their lives.

All that said - in your shoes, from my point of view he'd have to sort out the MIL (does not sound easy or likely) . Getting someone in living with / caring for / helping out MIL now, and establishing that it really works well and greatly reduces the load on her, and only then committing to this might be an option? Gives him a huge incentive if he's really serious.
And he'd have to get on top of the school run and DC so that you can have more flexibility in the future. I can think of loads of things I'd do - not for 3 whole months, but loads of 1-3 week things - if I had the chance and the money!

But are you asking because he is genuinely not going (and accepting it graciously) if you say it's not OK and you won't be able to manage MIL + 4DC for so long? Or will he just go anyway, and your choice is only whether to have some enormous rows beforehand?

Satellite connections may be possible. There will be no other wifi at the North Pole.

He sounds really boring (sorry).

When did he last take you out, make you feel special, desired as a woman? Does he spend any time with you, at all?

It sounds to me, like he is the wallet and that's all he's good for. If you won the Euromillions tomorrow, would you even stay with him?

I'm concerned at his comment about being half way through his life at 45, and that's what is partly behind this. Well, he's only going get older isn't he, so that argument will gather momentum as each year passes.

Anyway, it's an excuse. My DH is 44, and our "children" are adults and have left home, and there is no difficult MIL, and he wouldn't entertain taking 3 months away from me.

What kind of intimate relationship do you have? Is there any time for that even? How can you remain a close couple when he's never there?

Nah. Boring and selfish.

He does get involved with the kids and his mother when he's here, but his working hours have limited the "usefulness"of this and it's true he doesn't do any of the "drudge" work. I do have a cleaner but he wouldn't even know when she came or when. I have friends all about, but no family.
He does mean well in general and can be a lot of fun with the kids and he is very committed to the family in his way. I do rely on him for things and to at least be here half of the time and all this has made me realise I need that.

Then tell him: no, DH, at the moment I need you here more than I think you need to do this. Perhaps on a couple more years.

Let him go and ignore MIL ,turn your phone off at night and make sure your door is locked if she has a habit of walking in and starting cooking etc. Go see her once a day if thats what you do now but it stops there don't be available beyond that......and tell DH he can go on the proviso that you do not get grief off him about his mothers inevitable complaints about you not running round at her beck and call. If he's happy with that fine tell him knock himself out (well maybe not that phrase !! )

I find it hard to fathom that a man who is so busy with work that he can't take on his share of parenting and caring for his mother can take three months off to go on a vanity trip.
I'm sorry, but he sounds like a complete arse and you sound very passive and a bit down-trodden, the one who is there to do all the donkey work and facilitate his life.

No way would I be happy with this, he needs to wait until children are older. Haven't RTFT but 3 months for work is acceptable, not on a jolly, IMO.

He should still be fit enough when he's in his fifties, can surely wait a few more years.

When he is away take the opportunity to pack MIL into a home - joke! not

Op, it reads like you are probably going to prevent him doing this, as your support needs are too great to cope when he's away for that length of time. This is fine, but do explain it to him properly about why you can't cope. as the resentment that could build up due to it could damage your marriage irretrievably.

To stop someone doing something like this is huge. Especially when if you chose to go away you know he would support it, you simply have no desire to do so, not even for a week.

Yes, it's selfish of him to ask. But it's a major one off deal. And it's no where near as selfish as you to prevent him going.

Tread very carefully when you crush his dream is my only advice.

Please send the mil on a cruise, she won't fly, she won't need to, let someone else hear her for a while.

Your h has a flaming nerve to have all this landed on you. Your last thread about her has changed precisely nothing.

And now this.

Does he realise that you'll leave him if he doesn't step up and nurture you? That he'll HAVE to deal with the kids then, when he has them on visitation.

Until they too get fed up that he can't be bothered coping with his own flesh and blood and they refuse to see him.

Parents like him make me really cross.

He can't look after his own children on his own? Pathetic.

The consensus here is definitely a NO and I've taken that on board.
When I met him, he was in the marines, but he left because I didn't want that lifestyle and also because he had his business plans. If he hadn't have had DC he probably wouldn't have taken the career path he has. There are some parts he enjoys, like most jobs, but it's not really "him", just a means of financial security. I know him and understand why he would want to do this trip, but think one month is enough.

I don't know why people keep going on about the op needing 'support', as if she is somehow weak or helpless.
They are his kids too and his responsibility. Also, his mother should be his sole responsibility.
I don't 'support' my dh in looking after our kids, we are both equally responsible for them.

'Crush his dream'? Oh ffs, what kind of responsibile loving husband and father would entertain such a 'dream' seriously. It isn't something he's longed to do since he was a boy, obviously, or OP would have known about it all along.

If we can't afford a nice trip I fancy, ora lovely coat, I don't accuse anyone of 'crushing my dream' - lol!!

I totally agree with trifle I would support a partner in this that deserved that support.
I would 100% support dh because in terms of balance we are pretty equal and crucially for me I know he's support me if I wanted to do something similar. He is the dc step dad as well but that wouldn't be a factor he would take over everything.
My ex I wouldn't have supported him at all. He wouldn't even support me enough to do the supermarket shop without taking the children with me but he would be the one to Swan off regardless of the effect on the dc and me whereas dh wouldn't and in fact is pretty shocked at his brother buggering off on a holiday of his choice while his wife and children get to holiday by visiting the in laws because apparen they can't afford a family holiday. So it's swings an roundabouts I guess.
If you feel his contribution to the household is proportionate to his work out the home and he fully pulls his weight and he would do the same for you then yeah I'd support him. If he doesn't then no I wouldn't throw myself behind him in this.

OP - I hate to say this, but you do know regardless of your reaction, or what you say to him, he'll do it anyway. I've never met him, but I know that already, just from the few threads you've posted.

I'd be delighted to be proven wrong though.

Short trip or long trip, get MIL out of the way - so what if DH has to fly with her and BIL has to fly her back - at least she is gone and one month is not enough - ideally three months, but if not then two is a compromise.

Have you talked to him yet?

1. You clearly can't cope with 4 DCs and a MIL who relies on your DH for three months. So make it a condition he sorts his DM even if it means escorting her over to US family and back - or puts her in a special luxurious home which you will visit on occasion. And that he talks to his DM with you about what's going on.
2. Make sure he's truthful about the commitment including the training sessions. Check them out yourself. Sounded like way more weeks of prep on top of the 3 month journey.
3. Make sure he's hugely insured if anything were to go wrong and he needed to get medivacked/died.

And that's before talking to him about the children and the impact on them and you.

I'd let him fly if he can answer all these points to your satisfaction.

Good luck

Have only read for opening post op.
For me, I would try to go all out to make this happen for my partner. I would haveLong discussions about how I would get the support I needed, and put it all in place well in advance.
The sort of marriage I want involves trying to meet each others needs in the broadest sense.
That said, I don't think my approach is the "right "thing to do, it's just how I'd like to play it.