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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that this is too much?

745 replies

Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:11

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/03/2017 17:19

One month is MORE than enough when you have a wife, 4 kids and a mother who needs care.

Oh, diddums, life isn't a bed of roses! Yeah, well, I'll bet a lot of people in Aleppo are saying the same thing.

Time to grow up and be an adult!

ShoutOutToMyEx · 16/03/2017 17:22

I think it's selfish too. He should wait until the children are older, I'm sure he'll still be fit enough then.

I really can't believe that he thinks checking out of family life for 3 months (not to mention the hundreds of hours of training and preparation) is appropriate to suggest.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/03/2017 17:23

God save us from Mid Life Crises.

Time he grew the fuck up and stopped with his boys own adventures.

He is a father with responsibilities, you dont just get to fuck off for three months as if those responsibilities dont exist.

My first question would be "When do I get my three months? If you can take three months off for yourself then you can do it for me"

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/03/2017 17:24

Oh and ask Brian Blessed about being fit enough to go on expeditions......

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 16/03/2017 17:29

OP based on this and your other threads (thanks to PPs for reminding me) it doesn't sound to me like he sees you as a wife and mother of his children at all. Instead he treats you - and you behave - as a very well organised PA. There to cater to his every whim, enable his life, and if it just happens to fit in with him, he might throw you a bone of a family holiday occasionally. I suspect that you are very well remunerated for this service, which is why you say you have a nice life.

Put the trip to the North Pole aside for a moment. How much time do you get to be you - to live your own life? Time when you're not sorting things out for him, the children or his mother? And that doesn't have to mean backpacking round Thailand, it can mean time to read, paint, sing or whatever else floats your boat.

pluck · 16/03/2017 17:30

Make sure his life and injury insurance are valid, eh? Otherwise this could be the last selfish thing he ever does, but you'd still be recovering from him for years.

rookiemere · 16/03/2017 17:32

The DH should realise that it is selfish to leave his DCs for 3 months when they are young and when he is not around a lot anyway. It should not be up to OP to have to point out this startling revelation.

This is not a lifelong ambition or dream. That is something that someone has wanted to do for a long period of time. This is the search for gratification and new adventure rather than any heart-felt desire. But fine all you cool wives can agree with letting your DH's "live the dream" and not hold them back, whilst not seeming to realise that children need at least one parent to look after them.

OP I'm beginning to think that the best way to get him to reconsider is to give him the exact opposite responses of what he is expecting. So tell him you've thought about it and he should go - as you and the DCs don't see that much of him anyway you'll be fine. MIL can use the time to become more independent and you'll be pursuing the training that I think you talked about in a previous thread. If any of the training or trip takes place during school holidays, you'll be taking the opportunity to take all the DCs and visit your DM abroad for a few weeks.

I don't think he'll like that very much, if he feels that actually everyone will get along fine without him for that length of time, then what exactly is his role in the family ?

Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 17:35

Tbh - normally he would just tell me if he's going to do something, like a triathlon or a week somewhere and I'm not overly bothered because day to day I'm fine. He did call earlier to say he would like to do this trip and could we set aside a time to discuss it. He was saying something about a film crew going as well and he's been talking to someone who is in Svalbard at the moment, but I will find out fully at the weekend when he's home. Of course I don't want to tread on his dreams, but the DC have to be factored in too.

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 16/03/2017 17:36

That trip isn't to the north pole - it's to the "northern pike of inaccessability" where nobody has actually been before apparently.

So there probably won't be WiFi Wink

Also it's 800 miles - he will definitely need to be super fit if he isn't already.

It looks blimin odd tbh - why is it a "citizen endeavour"? It's not billed as a fun raising trip with sponsorship (which would be taking the piss) but as a data gathering trip - why is it "citizens" going not experienced scientists and explorers? Either it is really a very expensive commercial adventure tourism venture by Jim McNeill (the founder of "Ice Warrior") or something is off surely?

It actually does sound dangerous and something that would require an awful lot more than 2 weeks to train for.

Is his life well insured? Will it pay out if he dies or is permanently disabled on this trip?

5moreminutes · 16/03/2017 17:37

Northern Pole of Inaccessability not pike

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 16/03/2017 17:43

For the people mocking the wifi comment he will have Internet access it will be via satellite as will phone calls and probably sporadic but it will exist.

Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 17:45

Yes he was saying something about going to an unmapped area. The more I think about it, I will be too worried and I'm getting upset just thinking about it. He has not done mountaineering for years and this sounds worse. Despite everything, we are very close as a couple and I don't know why he would even think about leaving me alone for three months.

OP posts:
Merrylegs · 16/03/2017 17:49

A friend who is adventurous (has done Antarctica and Everest for eg) has just come back from Svalbard but was away only for a fortnight and was quite satisfied with that, so there are other ways to do this.

( But tbh he doesn't sound like he wants to spend much time with you anyway. He doesn't sound very kind.)

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 16/03/2017 17:50

I would love to have a chance to do this! But I have two DC and I can't do it, or afford it.

However, if your DH can afford it, I wouldn't stand in his way. It is a great opportunity. But...only if he sorts out something wrt his mother. That responsibility should not fall on your shoulders.

Disclaimer: I am saying I wouldn't stand in his way, but then I was in a very abusive relationship, where I would have been only too happy to have him gone for a few months Grin.

rookiemere · 16/03/2017 17:51

Sorry OP but I think this is one of these boiling the frog moments.

Your DH sounds as if he has been living fairly selfishly for a long period of time with his sporting trips and expecting you to look after his MIL, but this one has caused you to look up and think about what is happening.

Please try to stay very calm when you are discussing it with him. If you get upset it will turn into a conversation about him saying he really does love you - he will then perhaps buy you an expensive piece of jewellery as is his style I believe.

Focus on the key points you want to get out. Think about what the best outcome for you would be.
Personally I'd leave him to think about his fitness himself - but do ask him how much life cover he has and can he/you check it's valid in these circumstances.

Talk to him about his DM going to USA for at least 2 months.

Could you go and visit your family in Spain during the holidays with the DCs?

redshoeblueshoe · 16/03/2017 17:52

He really is awful.
Why don't you take the kids to Spain for the 3 months ? I think you might see you can manage perfectly well without him permenantly

civilfawlty · 16/03/2017 17:54

Wondering what people would say if you wanted to go Hmm

Blueskyrain · 16/03/2017 17:59

The joy of there being two of you parenting is that you can take it in turns, so that you can better fulfil your life dreams. That's why marriage or a stable relationship should give you more freedom rather than less.

If the husband wouldn't be happy with the Op doing something similar, then I think they've got an issue of balance in their relationship, but providing its planned properly, I don't see why marriage and children should mean giving up on your life dreams, just maybe adapting precisely how you do them. If it was important to my husband, I'd support him 100%, and I know he'd been equally supportive of me for a similar trip.

5moreminutes · 16/03/2017 18:01

Have you read everything on the website Alaia ?

"Media interest is huge and I can guarantee a 6:1 return on your marketing investment"

It's to the furthest point from land on the Arctic ocean.

It's someone's get rich quick scheme playing with the lives of Richard Brandson wannabes I think...

Read the whole thing, it's very fishy.

EffinElle · 16/03/2017 18:03

Only if you get equal time\opportunity to do what you want for the same amount of time.
Make sure his will\life insurance are up to date, just in case.

Ohyesiam · 16/03/2017 18:12

Ok, do the mil and the danger of the trip might be deal breakers for me.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 16/03/2017 18:25

Sounds like a shed load of idiot Glory Hunters to me, and your dh is a complet fool to get suckered in.

Get him well insured and send your MIL to NY for the duration.

beansbananas · 16/03/2017 18:39

I don't think I could stand in his way... sounds like the trip of a lifetime. I can definitely understand your reservations, but I think you have to be supportive of your partners ambitions, especially if he'll be raising money for charity. I guess I would set some ground rules about staying in touch though, and would definitely want to get some serious brownie points for letting him go, so you can have some free time to do the things you never have time for, whilst he takes care of everything at home. But once he has done this trip, I would tell him the midlife crisis has to stop, and you want him to start spending more time with you and your dc!

wherearemymarbles · 16/03/2017 18:55

As it doesnt sound like you are short of funds hire a full time nanny/child minder for the duration to help you.

Then you have 94 days to think about things. Lets face it money smooths over a lots of cracks. I mean would you be able to accept all his trips if you lived in a damp 3 bed flat with drug dealers at outside? Or are you feeling guilty for asking to leave the marines. ? I know people who left the military early and they were constantly restless as they weren't done with that lifestyle and still hankered after the danger.

Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 19:00

We are going away as a family at Easter and I'm even stressed about leaving the cats with a cat sitter for 10 days! This is how ridiculous it is. Even if I could go away for a few weeks, I probably wouldn't want to so that's the difference between him and I.

5more - I did see the part about investing, but wasn't sure what that was about. He does invest in things, but nothing dodgy as far as I'm aware.

To be fair to DH, he has been fantastic to my mother and family over the years. He's very straightforward and he does have a lovely way with the DC. He knows I miss him at night and I don't just mean the obvious Grin, just that I sleep better and miss the closeness when he's away. He tells me that every time he gets on a plane and he's pissed off about it, he thinks about why he's doing it which is for me and the DC so that makes it worthwhile. So why the hell would he want to go away for 3 months in those conditions?

OP posts: