To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

Also, I have no desire to do the kind of things he's into anyway.

What do you have a desire to do?

When your kids are grown and independent, what do you desire to do?

Make sure he is well insured. Pack MIL off to the states. Hope no probs with her getting in now Trump is there. Let him go to the North Pole and find an extra, I'm not sure what, focus, interest, purpose........... I'm sure he loves you and the children, but you are not the focal point of his life as he is to yours. Thinking about your last post, you would probably all be more relaxed at home without him, albeit that you will be worried about his safety.

I'd be pissed off that I wasn't going.

Leave the kids with the MIL and go too.

So they're not asking for any geology, engineering, chemistry or other science skills.

Its a holiday, he'll be babysat. He's only tagged on because people like him won't contribute to funding the real scientists unless they get to play at it to.

If he really cares about the cause, he should donate so that they can afford to do less babysitting of spoilt boys like him and get on with their work!

Your DH is REALLY taking the piss. Look at the link you have posted!!
Participants are only supposed to do 1 of the four x 20 day stints - not all 4 (80 days) so he should be away maybe 4-5 weeks (including training) not 3 months...

Gawd, what a self-entitled, immature prick, and I say that as someone who was once married to a man who, in his 20s, found out he enjoyed high-altitude mountaineering, but realising that this did not go hand in hand with family life and children, which I wanted, we divorced and he had a vasectomy to ensure he never left any child with a dead father due to what was a hobby to him.

He has 4 kids! But nah, Daddy wants to go play in the snow sandpit.

What kind of message does this send them?

I'd tell him to shove the pole up his arse and not come back.

Of course, he'll have life insurance to cover him if he dies up there, yeah?

What a twunt.

sorry have only skimmed the thread so not sure if this has come up already, but just wanted to point out that I find it hard to believe a 3-month trek to the North Pole would only require 2 weeks preparation.

This is like when my DP started having his mid life crisis doing triathlons, iron man etc - at first it was just "oh it's only one day" blah blah. No mention of the training which means he's out of the house virtually every single night running/cycling/swimming. Plus chunks of the weekend. Then the next triathlon. Then the iron man. Then the marathon. It's been three years now...

(Btw, boo hoo poor him if he gets to miss out on his once-in-a-lifetime opportunity while you deal with all the shit at home)

You never know, the thing might be over subscribed and he might not get in. They only want 28 people and there could be more than 28 rich people who want to play at being polar explorers?

But, Time4adrink, the website says:

You will undergo comprehensive training, including:

4 days of thorough, certificated, medical training - in our UK base in Devon
6 days of Expedition Core Skills Training (including how to raise the funds) - in our UK base in Devon
7 days of Basic Polar Training - in Longyearbyen, 800 miles from the Geographic North Pole
7 days of Advanced Polar Training - in Longyearbyen, 800 miles from the Geographic North Pole
And an 8 day Training Expedition

With succesful completion of the training you will be deemed a competent polar traveller and able to take part in your 20 day part of the 80 day expedition.

Which looks like at least 52 days of involvement including the expedition, but with perhaps travel on top, so at least 7-8 weeks involvement?

Ok so my DH does work away, usually returns at the weekend but on one occasion was away for 6 weeks.

That's work though. If he wanted to go away for 3 months on a jolly I would definitely place conditions on his going. Namely:
Cleaner at least x3 a week
Ironing service for the kids uniforms.
Something gets done with the MIL. Either she accepts cleaners/carers or she gets packed off to the states for 3 months or goes to a care home for respite. The MIL isn't your problem and won't be

This particular trip would be 80 days, plus 2 weeks training in Svalbard before that. He would also need to do additional training as well obviously.

He's obviously too big and important to think about menial things such as school runs etc.

Your MIL sounds insulting regardless of culture and your husband wants to go away on a jolly for a bit and leave you to it?

I can see both sides here OP. It's the chance of a lifetime, but also means he checks out of being a husband, father and son for 3 months.
In honesty, I would probably agree that he could do so but on the condition that terms were made and agreed in advance:

1. Get an au-pair, mothers help, or even a cleaner for the whole time that he is away so you get moral and practical support.
2. Insist that MIL has a carer/helper in every day and it is non-negotiable. Someone to go every day, see to her everyday needs and her to understand that you are going to be too busy to pander to her needs. And that needs to come from HIM, not you.
3. Make sure that there is no serious element of danger in doing this trip - he could potentially leave you a widow in worst case scenario or come back with serious injury so he has to have all life insurance and critical illness plans covered. With no exceptions.

4.. A family holiday is agreed and booked before he goes so that you also have something to look forward to, or even a trip to see your mum alone for a week or two. He has to understand that him doing this comes with terms & conditions and he has to meet them.

Blimey. Does he have any redeeming features ? I could not put up with such a selfish bastard.

But in his world your opinion really doesn't count.
And why are people saying Mil should go to the States for a month ? It should be 3 months, if she is allowed in.
As for Mil, you should cut down to one weekly phone call, you really have enough on your plate.

2. Insist that MIL has a carer/helper in every day and it is non-negotiable. Someone to go every day, see to her everyday needs and her to understand that you are going to be too busy to pander to her needs. And that needs to come from HIM, not you.

here is how this will play out. He will tell his mother that he needs to sort a carer for her so he can go to the north pole. she will agree. Three days after he leaves, she will fire the carer and OP will be back on duty 7 days a week. the husband will be off on his jolly and when she tells him will say "oh but I did try to set up the carer".

Ditto the 3 month stint in the US (if she will even get a visa which is doubtful). She will go over and then OP will get a call from her BIL a couple of weeks in saying MIL is insisting on coming home again and will be back next tuesday.

guarantee it.

OP, do you think he will get in? Presumably there will be some type of fitness/endurance test to pass? I can't see just anyone being capable.

I know someone who does long distance cold weather cycle events in Scandinavia and North America in proper winter conditions unheard of in most of the UK and the training and what she goes through is brutal.

I also know some real polar scientists and because they are working in remote and extreme conditions, they have to have all sorts of medical tests before they go, to reduce the risk of them getting seriously ill in places where they can't get more than basic medical facilities quickly.

Ok fine OP, so you're deflecting already.

It's all fine, apart from their might not be wifi there (there won't), the DCs will miss him ( well yes they will but I guess they are fairly used to him not being there, and you'll miss them ( not sure why but there we go).

Nothing can be done about terribly difficult MIL , but she may go away for a few weeks.

Honestly OP I do have some sympathies for you, but nothing seems to change from thread to thread.

Your DH will continue to do what he wants. You can only change yourself. Think about what you'd like to do. Explore it. Make yourself busy out of the house. Change the locks so your MIL can't let herself in. Buy her a panic button and tell her to press that if she thinks someone is in the house.

There's a thread at the moment about what mid-40s MNers (presumably majority women) are thinking of doing for a mid-life adventure. Funnily enough most of them say things like further studying, hobbies, etc. there's one saying the whole family are planning walking mt snows on, but I haven't seen any yet from anyone saying they're leaving their DH to look after the kids and mil for three months while they go on their 'trip of a lifetime'

@Alaia5 if your DH really is planning on doing all 80 days of this expedition, then you need to be aware that (according to the link you posted) he will be away for about 4 months. And of course he'd need to find time to do fitness training and fundraising before he went away. If you let this happen, I think you need to assume his hobby will take him away from the family for at least 6 months. And of course on his return, I expect he will have a lot of extra work to do to catch up on his businesses.
I guess this decision is really about how much time you would like to have with your DH in the next year.

'In honesty, I would probably agree that he could do so but on the condition that terms were made and agreed in advance:

1. Get an au-pair, mothers help, or even a cleaner for the whole time that he is away so you get moral and practical support.
2. Insist that MIL has a carer/helper in every day and it is non-negotiable. Someone to go every day, see to her everyday needs and her to understand that you are going to be too busy to pander to her needs. And that needs to come from HIM, not you.
3. Make sure that there is no serious element of danger in doing this trip - he could potentially leave you a widow in worst case scenario or come back with serious injury so he has to have all life insurance and critical illness plans covered. With no exceptions.

4.. A family holiday is agreed and booked before he goes so that you also have something to look forward to, or even a trip to see your mum alone for a week or two. '

In other words, more work for the OP to do/sort out to enable this selfish twonk to play silly buggers.

As for no. 3, PMSL! It's the North Pole, not a trip to the Tower of London.

"I have never been away and left my him with the kids because of his work schedule and also he's not great at being left with them without a plan."

Why not? What if you died tomorrow? WTF is this opt out of parenting that fathers have?

Does his life insurance cover being eaten by a polar bear? Call me shallow, but that would be a big consideration. People do get killed on expeditions sometimes and if you really were a single mother, forever not just for 3 months, has he made provision for you, given his ridiculous hobbies?

I think you need to have some serious conversation about it. Can you afford it? Do you have a support network of people who can help out with kids if you get ill whilst he's away? It's not something he can back out of partway through if something happens to either of you. What are the risks for him - ie risk of injury, death? What are your contingencies if something does happen to either of you. What happens if his journey there or back is delayed? How does he think the kids will react (particularly if you can't skype or be in contact of any sort)? Is he prepared for the consequences of building up relationship particularly with youngest after such a long time away? A lot of things to think about. It's great to fulfill a lifelong dream, but it also depends on why he's got that dream. For example is it something he could fulfill elsewhere or with a shorter trip (if its a particular kind of expedition or charity work or research), is it a dream that is more important than other dreams? What life goals do you both have that may be impacted by his dream to go? Can you also try to plan to fulfill a dream of yours as well (to cope with the craziness of 3months without him)? Just a few questions you might want to think about. I couldn't say yes or no as I think it's a massively personal thing for the both of you.

I stopped after reading you have 4! kids. It's way too much!! When are you getting your 3 months off then?

Is that his mid life crisis trip?..

He's a selfish twat.

The last thing the North Pole needs is tourists.

This would be a no from me and I would be quite disappointed if my DH even wanted to take that much time away from the family while the kids were young. I wouldn't have a problem before kids or when they are all older, 15 or so.

If this organisation offers 20 day trips, why on earth is he opting for the 80 day one? Surely if anything that is for people with no dependents and, probably, reasonable experience and expertise?

If either the 20 or 80 day trip is to happen, he has to come up with a foolproof method of ensuring that none of the burden of looking after his mother falls on you - and yes, that means a plan that completely shuts off the possibilities of MiL sabotage that Pallisers rightly points out.