To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

OP I think you are amazing to support him in doing this! Just discussed it with me DH & we both said it's too long and too dangerous for wither of us to imagine supporting the other one.

I do think a cleaner/assisted childcare should be in place for you to give you some downtime while he's away. Could you also have a holiday with the kids to visit your DM during this time as she doesn't visit you?

I also think the MIL issue needs to be sorted, very much a lifestyle change though from now or it will not be different when he is away. As others have suggested can you state it's hired help that she uses & get the visits down to weekly or bi-weekly?

So fuck all to do with charity then? More a vanity project. If it was genuine charity he'd have flown economy and donated the difference in flights. Pretty fucking distasteful actually ... That kind of money is life changing in India, presumably in charity work he'll have seen some real hardships and yet he can't bring himself to endure the hardship of economy on one occasion.

The more you write the more he sounds like an absolute dick. Of course he suggests your Mum comes over - just another puppet in his play really I guess. Someone to look after his kids so he doesn't have to and I guess some company to keep you quiet also. Sorry but it makes me furious how often a man's solution to a problem at home is to get his mother or his wife's mother to help (I.e another woman).

I'm sorry OP I think you sound like a mug. I'm glad you have a nice home life. Although looking after 4 children and a MIL on my own when my husband fucks off whenever he wants doesn't sound so nice to me. I prefer my relationships with more respect and equality where we both encourage and support each other with equal time for our hobbies and dreams.

Sounds like you're not against the idea of the trip - it seems like the MIL is what tips this for you.
If HE wants to do this, HE needs to sort out a carer for his mother now, so you're not worrying about her then. He also needs to take time to be with the kids over half term and summer before he goes.
None of that is your problem or your domain to solve.
IF he gets all that sorted, minimises his time away outside of this trip, and returns the favour for you with childfree days out, long weekends, time with friends, etc etc, then, and only then... it's a yes.

I'd let him go, but I'm very laid back.

I don't think YABU in saying it's too much, if it's too much for you in your circumstances. It should be a joint decision.

I'd let him go if it is something he really wants to do - he would then owe you obviously!

OP, you can't stop him going so the best use of your time is thinking things through ;

1. If he goes, will you still be there when he comes back? If yes, then it's not that big of a deal to you but it is to him so don't make him feel guilty.
2. What practical things are in place for when he's away (tell him you will call his mum once a week to check she's alive but that's it because you will be busy), etc

For what it's worth, I'd like to think I'd let mine go. It's obviously stuff he enjoys and so I won't stop him just for the sake of it (you've said you'll cope). Also, it sounds like you don't want to do anything like this - good for you but that doesn't mean he shouldn't get to.

I wouldn't stop working because my boss went off for three months -I appreciate those are the perks of being your own boss and I'd still like to keep my job and pay my bills when he returns.

I'd hate for the future me to regret it.... fast forward to your 80's. Would you look back and think those 3 months would be nothing compared to the lifetime together you have had?

Yes, I'd regret not doing it in my 20s before I chose to take on responsibilities and dependents.

Honestly, would you really advise a mother to do the same thing? I'd say it's even worse in this case as he's absent a lot anyway and puts all of his responsibilities on the OP. He's very selfish. How about treating himself to some quality time with his dc's, that's a fantastic cause...

If I said I was going away for a week, DH wouldn't stop me.

And if you said you were going away for 90 days? He can apparently sort this time off work when it's his jolly he's arranging...

He doesn't know about the school routines and things like that which doesn't help.

A super successful businessman who earns megabucks can't keep on top of this?

I don't actually know why I wouldn't do this. It could be my own mental block?

Because, as a PP said, it's never been considered a possibility for you so it's never really entered your head. If one person has never seriously been opened up to a potential opportunity, it's not "fair" because they choose not to while covering 90 days of slack for someone else who thinks it's their wife and MIL facilitated God given right.

I would worry about him losing his patience maybe?

That is....concerning.

I think for most people it would be very hard to give an accurate answer to this, because most men simply wouldn't want to be away from their kids for three months for fun. I would just be completely bemused if dh suggested it. It's basically a shitty, self-indulgent thing to do. Either you can spend your 40s doing long 'dream' activities or you can have kids. Will he be off to clown college next year?

Not sure what he expected when he decided to have 4 children. He can't just Swan off on a whim to satisfy his need when he has 5 people to care about.

He needs to grow up, best responsible and stop fucking off away to suit his 'needs'

YANBU - Why doesn't he just give what the expedition would cost him straight to charity and be a hero at home where it matters?

"An expedition to the North Pole".... Only on Mumsnet! 😂😂

Not sure what he expected when he decided to have 4 children. He can't just Swan off on a whim to satisfy his need when he has 5 people to care about.

He has precisely one person to care about, and his lovely assistants can do everything else.

I agree that you sound like you don't mind being treated like a mug. The last time my ex did something similar I spent the few weeks he was away filing for divorce!

Surely its a bullshit expidition anyway, I mean we have the technology to gather any data they might get remotely via satalite and drone/robot?

This is an adventure holiday not a charitable or scientific endeavour

I would not agree to it. It's also not a case of 'go away for a bit, return and it'll all be fine'. The kids are not all old enough to understand this, and are likely to feel confused and upset by such a lengthy absence. He won't just slot right back in. It's not like a parent in the forces - it's not the norm for his kids and it's not his job, and it's not like he has to go for work. It's his choice to go away because he wants to. I think there will be repercussions arising from this, and that's aside from the unfairness of leaving you with all the drudge, OP

i think you might have jumped the shark with the Virgin space shuttle/business class flights.

Nice attempt though :)

He does take the slack with his mother and she manipulates him a lot. She chooses to live on her own but is constantly fearful of burglars. I sympathise with that to a point, but I can't cope with her rudeness when we're out and about. MIL is Iranian and sees me as her only "daughter". She just comes down here and starts cooking. DH is used to her, but he is starting to worry about her these days. She could go and stay with BIL and his wife in the US for a month while DH is away. That could be an option.

YANBU - this should be an opportunity for all of you, not just him.

If your DH can get 3 months away from work with money to spend this year, this is absolutely a once in a life opportunity...it looks like this is the last time none of your children will be in key exam years until they are grown up. Why don't you ALL go on a family expedition for 3 months?

Honestly OP, if my DH could do this, WE would be planning a family adventure TOGETHER...your DH is a selfish man-boy. This might be your last chance to have a family trip of a lifetime before your children leave home.

And I guarantee that if you 'let' him go on this trip, next year will be the South Pole YOLO experience.

It does sound like a once in a lifetime opportunity. I would agree on the basis that you get the right in principle to take the equivalent amount of time to yourself. I have a partner who used to pop off all the time on jaunts and the penny only dropped when I started claiming the same for myself. When the babies were tiny and he'd pop off out for the evening without talking about it I'd drop the same on him another day, pop the Moses basket at his feet and pop the f*ck out and go drink coffee or take a walk. A year later he went on a cycling holiday without talking about it so I booked a cheapy beach holiday with my sister. (The kids do get holidays too I should add and he has got the message now) It sounds petty but some people don't understand the impact of what they are asking until the boot is on the other foot. Now he checks plans with me and absolutely makes sure I have the opportunity to do similar.

MIL sounds the big issue here, so your idea of sending her to BIL for a month is good.
Or else you lie, and say the whole family is going to North Pole and don't answer the phone for 3 months!

Oh and get your DH to either arrange care for his mother or to send her to his brother in the USA while you are All away. Might be good for her to get used to taking less from you.

It does sound like a once in a lifetime opportunity
Not for the OPs DH it doesn't
It sounds like he wants to do this type of big adventure trip on a regular basis

And I guarantee that if you 'let' him go on this trip, next year will be the South Pole YOLO experience
yup yup yup
yup.

The org is www.lastpole.uk

We do go on family holidays too, I should say. It's not like I can never go anywhere. It's just easier for him to remove himself because of the nature of his work and the fact I've always been default carer. Also, I have no desire to do the kind of things he's into anyway.