To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

So in order to get some time together he is suggesting a holiday to a place he wants to go to. So still putting himself first. His question should have been if there is somewhere, something YOU would like to do. And how is this going to address the issue of his daughters missing him? And is mil coming alomg as she is the one wanting to go there.

Sorry Alaia, even his excuses and 'solutions' show that you are last of his list of priorities.

you "get" to take your MIL on HER dream holiday? W.T.F.

This man thinks very little of you OP. You might think that conversation went well, but he has basically said that he knows his choices massively impact on you but he doesn't care enough to hold off on thee midlife crisis bucket list until issues with your MIL firing help is resolved.

Mark my words, this is what will happen next:
If there is any change of plans from the oranisations point of view, or if some other shiny adventure distracts him like the man-toddler he is, he will claim that every slight alteration to his itinerary is for you , even though he's still fucking off, and you'll still be left holding the MIL sized baby!

Surely the pay back has to be you going away somewhere while he spends time minding his own children? How can he not see the difference?

I think as a team it is important to support each other's dreams wherever possible. However, I would put some conditions in place. You need for him to arrange another sibling/carer/cover for whatever the MIL issue is. You CANNOT be expected to cope with 4 kids for 3 months AND be a carer for his MIL.

I would also negotiate an extra childcare/babysitting budget so that at least once a week you can go out for some adult sanity time and do whatever it is you need to do to relax.

I would also think hard about your own dream and agree a tit-for-tat scenario, ie; in exchange, HE will have sole responsibility of the kids for an extended period while you do whatever it is that you have wanted to do.

And if he is going to be away for so long.....think of all those little changes you wanted to make to the house and get the decorators in!!

pft, this is not his one lifelong dream though, it's just this weeks shiny new toy/game.

He is treating the OP like a domestic slave or exploited aupair-come-24 hour on call carer.

You told him the girls miss him.

He said sorry and suggested taking his mother on holiday to Argentina and leaving the kids with his relatives.

He's still going to the car show that clashes with the show his youngest DD is desperate for him to watch her in, but vaguely promising to cancel some of the numerous other multi day car jollies.

What lucky daughters...

That's alright then

I actually think you need a weekend away on your own and think what your future is. What will you do when the DC have left home ? He will be too busy to notice they have even gone.

Wr are going to Italy at Easter which was my choice. I don't mind that he suggested Argentina because we can leave MIL and do our own thing. If I have my cynic head on now though, I'm wondering if he was initially making out like he wanted a serious discussion about going off for 3 months, so that one month would seem like a compromise and nothing by comparison. Or maybe he was just getting carried away?

To answer the question I could not leave him for a month with the DC. Firstly I would miss them too much. Secondly I think he would go demented with the routine of it. Maybe I underestimate him on this, but that is my gut feeling and that is why I've never done it (plus because of his work schedule over the years).

So why are you posting ?
You excuse every single aspect of his atrocious behaviour.

Being generous, if he is a Marathon des Sables kind of guy, with unlimited budget, it is possible that he has been dreaming of doing an Arctic expedition type thing for a while.

The problem is, he didn't bother to tell you.

It might be useful to establish what sort of other challenges he is thinking of doing as he probably has some sort of tick list in his head. When you've got over the shock, you could start coming up with your own - which might be doing things on your own, as a family with the kids or just with him. Whatever you like.

The important thing would be that he would be communicating to you what he is thinking of doing and you would be communicating back your own desires and coming up with a shared future.

Secondly I think he would go demented with the routine of it

"but darling, you're just so much better at the boring tedious stuff than I am"

it doesnt matter if he wold go demented he chose to have children an with that comes responsibilties like sometimes looking after them

also saying sorry but- doesnt mean anything-hes still going to do it isnt he

OP I am going to make a few assumptions here so do correct me if I get anything wrong. Lifestyle wise, I think we can all sense that as a couple you are loaded.

If something happened, due to illness or some other factor, and all the £££/businesses went wrong, how would that impact on you? and him?

How much are the trappings of wealth part of all this- the beautiful home, clothes, countless cars, the private education and expensive hobbies- and the social crowd these things attract. Would your feelings for him change if he were to find himself in a situation without what is clearly a huge amount of dispensable income? How would he cope?

You live in a world that is alien to most of us, and he has choices that are enabled by massive finances. Most people would never have these problems as they just couldn't afford to make these choices.

Why would he go demented? It's not like he would be with them 24/7 locked in the house. It would mean he has to put their needs and wants first and you know that would be the problem, and that is so difficult to admit.

I have no words for how selfish he is. Especially as he appears the master of "making it up to you" when really he is being even more selfish. Is he deluded, or are you? I think the track day sums things up so perfectly - he will be there for the children as long as it's convenient and does not interfere with his own little games and hobbies. Real men (and women) put their children FIRST, ALWAYS.

I could also never be with a partner who willingly decided to be away from their children for 3 months. Whoever laid on their deathbed and said "I am so glad I spent so much time on hobbies rather than with my children."

Hulder from what the OP says he doesn't have any kind of bucket list:

This morning, he has flown out in a flap to go kick boxing with the boys, making out it was my fault that DD's school play clashes with his Ferrari show-off day on Wed. I'm sure I emailed him to put this in is his diary, but with 4 DC things can slip and I am not a secretary. He has now just texted to say "sorted" he will drive back early, but "don't forget" about the 3 day track event he is going to in Italy the week after hmm This is what it's like a lot of the time. I don't care what he does, but we are in a position where he will just say yes to whatever comes his way, whereas I'm not in a position to do the same.

he will just say yes to whatever comes his way, whereas I'm not in a position to do the same

Also, the girls miss him loads. He accepted this and apologised. He then suggested we could go to Argentina this year. FIL was Argentinian and and MIL still had a home there and has been saying she wants to go back and visit. We could leave the DC with his relatives

Also, the girls miss him loads...He accepted this and apologised. He then suggested we could leave the DC with his relatives

Fuck me, he really is Toad of Toad Hall.

Yes 5moreminutes. Spot on.

This is a long thread so might have missed some replies. But OP, can you not see what 5moreminutes pointed our. Your girls MISS HIM and his response is to LEAVE THEM again, this time with relatives other than yourself.

Do remember to tell your girls the exciting news they are going to have a treat by spending even more time apart from the daddy they adore. They'll be thrilled I am sure.

I don't know why I am so furious with this man, but I am.

It also seems that this man will give his wife and children everything....apart from himself.

What does your DM think ? Does she think you are lucky to have such a lavish lifestyle ? Or is she desperately worried about you ?

More importantly is what your (that's you and your DH) behaviour is teaching your children. I actually feel really sorry for your children, its very sad that your H basically doesn't care about them.
Why did he get married and have children when he wants the life of a single man ?

He definitely wanted children and that was a huge deal for him when we got engaged. He would probably have wanted another one but I had a lot of haemorrhaging after DD and it freaked him out. He is of the belief that children need their mothers at home (if possible of course). It's because he didn't see much of his mother growing up, though he won't admit that. He thinks his responsibility is to facilitate that and provide the financial stability and opportunities for the DC. This has been his focus. When I met him, he didn't particularly have money.

He has actually said to me that he admires women in business, but he's glad I'm not one of them because the DC would have missed out. Not every woman would put up with that attitude - I do know this !!! I only did because I wanted to be with the DC regardless of his opinions.

I grew up on a farm and we had no money but I had a brilliant childhood and it was happier than his. My DM doesn't give to a monkey about anything, she just wants me to be healthy and happy.

Sorry if I sound rushed. I'm collecting DD atm!

So why are you posting ?
You excuse every single aspect of his atrocious behaviour.

Yeah I'm perplexed about that too tbh.

The OP talks about him like he's God Almighty. What are we needed for??

Alaia

Also, the girls miss him loads...He accepted this and apologised. He then suggested we could leave the DC with his relatives...

Ask him to spend 3 months at home.

Not looking after the kids on his own. Not enabling you to go on jollies (you don't want to anyway). Just at home - going to work and coming home. Like a normal dad.

That is what your 6 year old wants - not to be taken to Argentina and left with relatives she barely knows.

Your 6 year old misses her dad.

Just like your husband missed his mum growing up.

Tell him the younger children miss him. Ask him to spend 3 months at home being a dad and working 9-5.

Ask him.

Then you will know who he is and what he really feels about his family.

Men who see their families as reflective satellites for their own stellar awesomeness always want children. They won't be doing any of the shitwork of raising them and they will have successfully "passed on their genes". Their kids, like their wives and everyone else, are just extensions of themselves. Accessories. Signs of their greatness.

Funny how a man who wants kids so badly doesn't know the first thing about their routines or take any part in finding a good school for them.

Of course he's glad you don't have a career, he gave you crap for wanting to return to work part time to use your professional qualification.

I've never met him and I'm sick of him. I'm sick of always hearing what he wants, what he thinks, what he feels, why you need to assimilate yourself to deal with his unresolved mummy issues. He's making me claustrophobic and I've never met him.

But the DC don't miss out on their father? It's becoming a bit frustrating how you defend his behaviour to be honest....Not having a go, I know its just different ways of looking at things but I just find it incredulous how you make so many excuses for him. Ie. He would go demented looking after his children on his own so poor little snowflake can't manage that.

Well firstly, it's good enough for you to do it but not him. Secondly, why the fuck did he have 4 kids if he'd go demented looking after them. And I say that as someone who knows very well I'd struggle looking after 4 children ....Which is why I chose not to have 4 children, because I commend you OP, it's too much like hard work for me.

PP have asked about provision if he died but I think a far more worrying situation (and I know it's horrible to think about) would be if anything were to happen to you. Awful I know, but do you think he could manage? Because he doesn't know their school routines , doesn't prioritise them, doesn't like mundane tasks, would go demented etc etc . I know you don't want to leave your children for any extended time but I'd ask you to seriously consider leaving him with the kids some of the time - as well as the reason I've just said , maybe it'd increase his respect for what you do as well as allowing him the chance to improve his relationship with the children before they grow up and it's too late.