To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

Your DH says his life is 'half over' - so is yours,op but you don't feel the need to disappear for 3 months or escape from your family at every opportunity. His older DC's childhood years are more than 'half over' and he hasn't been around for much of that time.

I feel stressed just reading your posts 😔 I guess the important things to consider is if you are happy with this man and do you love him enough to continue to indulge all these hobbies, he's only a part time husband and father at best. You will have to put up with it until he does himself a permanent injury then be expected to nurse him as well as everyone else!
I think whether he goes on this thing or not you need to get rid of his mother, you have more than enough on your plate. She sounds rather like my mil so I completely and totally empathise x

1. Think again if you want your Iranian MIL to go to the USA for any period of time. Not guaranteed she would be allowed in.

1. I am a woman. I would give my left arm to do a trip like this after 5 years of being a SAHM and my DH would resign from his job to stay home with the kids so I could do it. He wants me to be happy and fulfilled as I do him. But I couldn't do it. I'd miss my children too much, I'd worry about the burden it's place on DH, I'd worry about something happening to me and the kids being left motherless.

I think your DH is selfish. He's doing all the fun stuff knowing you're there to do the drudgery. But worse, he's not thinking about what's best for his kids. A month somewhere less dangerous would be a different thing: setting an example to his children, but not risking their happiness.

Bloody hell.
Every time you post it gets worse.
Ferrari Day.
Italy.
India.

And I'm sure he's got eleventy billion other things lined up,

but not Sports Day, Parents Evening, or doing anything just with you.
He is selfish.
Your DC know it.

I've been thinking about this. Part of me thinks you both are who you both are: you wouldn't want to be away from your children for too long, and prefer family life to going off on adventures with friends. He doesn't mind being away from the children so much, and while he likes some aspects of family life, he also likes having the freedom to go off with friends on adventures when he wants to.

There is something to both accepting the other for who they are, and who you presumably knew them to be.

However...The fact remains that you value family life...and that means him, your husband and father to your children, being there and participating in it. So he can't just say "well you should let me go off and do this because you wouldn't want to do it anyway but you have always known I'm the kind of person that would". Because you could just as easily say "and you know I'm the kind of person that values family and home life and that means my husband being here and part of it, not fucking off out if it for 3 months at a time"...

op youre missing the point eveyrtime u say but i wouldnt want to go for three months somewhere

the point is would he be ok if u just up and left for three months regardless-an the answer is no

also how come hes so busy at work and providing that he can just take three months plus off when he usually cant tear himself away

I think if I was living somewhere remote or that I didn't like, DH's lifestyle and work would have impacted me far more and I would be a lot more resentful. As it is, we live in an area of London which I love and I have a lot of friends in very similar circumstances. I have time to myself now, it just falls between the hours of 9am -3pm, minus two mornings for the course I'm on ( but that was a choice).

What is happening now is that DH has a lots of friends / associates who are effectively retiring in their mid-late 40s. All the stuff they didn't do in their 30s because they were working flat out, they are finding they have the time and money to do now.

For about 10 years, DH never really took time off. He used to fly off in the middle of family holidays if there was some issue somewhere and then rejoin us at the end, that kind of thing. He's never been one to want "stuff", he's into "experiences". For his 40th, he didn't want a party or anything. All he wanted to do was a run in the desert in Africa which was essentially 5 marathons in 5 days. The training for that was a lot and the DC were younger then. I was worried about him collapsing on that! He did get quite ill on the last day.
In answer to a PP, yes he does have a will! It's very complicated though as a lot of money is tied up in investments, etc. DH has named his brother and an accountant to help sort through the process in the worst case. I try not to think of that obviously!

I'm very grateful to everyone - thankyou!

I don't think this man is controlling I think he sounds immature and cosseted.

Of course he's controlling. Him pissing off whenever he feels like it effectively forces OP to organise everything round him, and his lack of patience and uselessness with the DC is effectively a weapon to keep her in line. She knows she has to do what she's told or they'll suffer. If you don't agree, imagine what would happen if OP told him that in fact he can't fly off on Wednesday and miss the school concert after all, because she's got a prearranged jaunt somewhere.

That's not to say you're wrong about him also being immature and cosseted. Not mutually exclusive.

Ultimately, marriage and families are a series of compromises. Not 'my right' versus 'his right'. I do worry about some people's 'ditch him immediately if he doesn't always put me first' response.

Surely the best thing is to sit down together and figure out a way this will work (or not) for both of you?. This will require some compromise and support from him as well. Maybe you are more family orientated than he is. This isn't necessarily wrong. It just is. Only you know if this is something you can live with. But make the decision together. Please!

jax she doesn't get to make any decisions. Whatever the OP says to her DH he will do what he wants. Every Single Time.

I try not to think of that obviously!

I'm going to cry. Please force yourself to think of it, OP. Please force yourself to think of everything and about yourself. You must still be there somewhere or you wouldn't have started this thread.

I personally would not be happy as would be worried about his welfare and my own ! I think it's a bit much to ask of the person left behind but everyone is different I guess . Good Luck

Alaia you don't sound mad, you come across as lovely and warm hearted. That's why we all think you deserve so much more.
You keep saying that he worked so hard, never took time off and I would ask you once again, what about you? You worked just as hard without having any time off, being on duty 24/7 with 4 children to look after as well as your husband.
What did you do for your 40th? Go away for 5 days on an art course in Italy (just an example) or did DH throw a big party and held a big speech?

You can't change him but you can change yourself and I think you are starting to, doing the course is the first step.

The more of your updates I read the more frustrated I feel for you & your children! I appreciate he works away a lot but when he is home is seems he's at rugby, entertaining (with your help!), or packing to leave on a whim for another event.

It sounds like he is missing out on so much of family life by not being present. Equally it's entirely unfair on you! You defend him so it's your choice but will you ever put your foot down? We all have a bucket list of things we would love to do but most of us would accept that we can't do them all. It seems your DH thinks he can with no repercussions

Jaxhog, what in the OPs posts has made you think her marriage is a series of compromises? Compromise involves movement from both parties, finding common ground rather than one person simply doing what they like. In this marriage, DH makes all the choices and the OP deals with it.

Clearly you're right that OP is more family orientated than DH. That's a given, with how little attention he pays them and his lack of patience. But after 4 DC, that attitide is necessarily wrong. You don't have 4 kids if that's how you feel!

MLC, surely? I wish my amazingly not ex DH had buggered off to the North Pole instead of shagging having an 18 month "love" affair with a colleague over 20 years younger than me when he hit his forties...

You don't sound mad, you sound fed up. You sound like someone who is slowly realising that "lovely DH" is actually a blinkered selfish twat who wants to behave as if he was still a single man with no responsibilities. He's treating you like a secretary - why aren't you replying to him to ask him why the hell he thinks it's OK to book himself on a foreign jaunt without even talking to you about it first?

Doing the Marathon de Sables (which is what I presume he was doing in Africa) is a lifetime experience! Going off galavanting in Patagonia is a lifetime experience! Exactly how many lifetime experiences does he think he should go on and which should come ahead of his family's needs?

And - newsflash - having children is a lifetime experience, is it not? What a shame that he seems determined to go off chasing every cliched middle age crisis experience going, instead of realising that he is missing out on his children's lives. Yes life is about balance, but he seems to be a guest rather than a part of family life. One day they won't be there any more and he may find himself surprised that they aren't making any effort to see him or spend time with him. Are you familiar with the song 'Cat's in the cradle'? You reap what you sow.

MrDacre has summed it up perfectly.

OP what I get from your updates is that what happens in your family is entirely dictated by your DH and his latest whim. He pays little thought to you all, and does what he wants and when. And you've enabled that behaviour for a good many years, in exchange for financial comfort. I think you need to stop worrying about what he is doing, and focus on what makes YOU fulfilled and content. I think we are conditioned as Mums to put everyone first, and we are back of the queue. But actually sometimes what makes us feel better inside makes us a better parent/wife/person too. I am a very active walker, with my gorgeous dog. My DH tolerates dogs, but we have one anyway as it is for me not him. I walk around 4-5 miles a day, in all weathers, and LOVE it. It makes me feel good inside, I pound the worries away and make the effort to walk somewhere with a fab view or total peace and quiet. The rest of my time I devote to the house/kids/DH and everyone else. Without my time for me, I'd be murdering them all! You need to find yourself in whatever shape or form it takes - volunteering, working, a physical challenge - and commit to it. And ignore all attempts he will make to belittle it. If your focus becomes your wellbeing and not your DH, you may just find that inner confidence to start making some of your life on your terms not his. You sound like a really genuine nice thoughtful person, and it's easy to end up being a people pleaser and sacrificing yourself for it. I made that mistake for years.

I would make a requirement of his going on any more of these a very good life insurance policy on him, payable to you in the event of his untimely death. And he must keep up with the insurance payments.

When I read threads like this I am grateful that I have a dh who gets in at 7 in time to bath the kids and put them to bed, and to wash up ungrudgingly. A dh who would ask me before spending an afternoon playing football. A dh who hates being away from us and Skypes us everyday when he's away on business (rarely but sometimes). I wouldn't swap that for all the money. I do whinge about him, but he's actually a 'good one'.

He has gone to pick up his mother.

I asked him about the Arctic trip. He said there is a training going on in Svalbard now and he knows some people on it. They now have a film crew and funding for a documentary and people he knows believe it will go ahead in 2018, though previously there have been funding issues. He knows he needs to look into it further, but if it comes together he would like to go - if not on that, something similar. He said he could see I was upset and he was sorry. He said yes, 3 months would be a long time to leave me, so he was thinking he would do one or a couple of the stages. He says there are risks with this kind of thing, but it's all about preparation - skiers can get hypothermia if they don't know what they're doing, he's had frostbite before, he is more experienced in snow than other terrain, etc.
Anyway, the upshot is, he wants to go to the Arctic before he's 50 , but agrees a month is enough.
I told him I feel quite abandoned sometimes because he's off all over the place and I don't always know who he's with and I feel out of the loop. Also, the girls miss him loads. He accepted this and apologised. He then suggested we could go to Argentina this year. FIL was Argentinian and and MIL still had a home there and has been saying she wants to go back and visit. We could leave the DC with his relatives and he would take me to a place in the south of the country which he thinks I would love. He also said he won't go on some future overseas track events, just the one the week after next.

Anyway, god knows if any of this will happen, but I think I can cope with a month-long absence if it does. No more than that though. Thankyou for all the comments because its all really helped me get a different perspective on many things.

He really is a first class cunt.
Wow your reward, a trip away with Mil and no DC.

Does he go to parents evening or does he leave all that to his minion ?

I'm not sure why you've posted. You will always be bottom of his list of priorities - but hey he's a good guy really.

Well done on making some progress

Do you want to go to Argentina?

Personally I think it's quite important that the reconnecting, spending time together you do is somewhere you choose. MIL's place in Argentina sounds another place he knows and where he can show off.

Somewhere neither of you know? That you've always wanted to go to and possibly he would find a bit dull

he wants to go to the Arctic before he's 50

I want Chris Hemsworth naked in a four poster bed in a suite in Claridge's. Do I get that?

I'm glad there's some progress, but there's still just so much focus on what he wants, what he feels, what he thinks. Still, keep talking to him and see if he really is listening and hearing what you're saying. He's got money to chuck at the problem (and he should be chucking as much at you and the kids as himself) and if you really do want to go to Argentina that's great. Just give it a lot of thought because you are clearly out of the habit of thinking about what YOU would like, independently of what he thinks you should like.

And ask him if you can go away for a month sometime. Because the real question is, would he let you do something that inconveniences him as much as his trips away inconvenience you?

Would you be able to go to Argentina for a month if he had to hold the fort at home while you did?