To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

It's nothing like military service - and quite frankly drawing that kind of comparison is bloody insulting to those in the forces, including their families. Forces families know that the postings/tours are part of the job. They aren't off frittering fifty grand on vanity trips so that they can ponce around in front of a camera crew as an 'ice warrior'.

OP, your children are starting to comment on your H's grandiose behaviour - and the fact that he walks in and out of your lives like he's regular guest, rather than a family member. Don't you find it really interesting that he went ahead and made plans to go to a car show without checking with you or the children first? How telling that he feels he can just go off and do what he likes without any ties, consequence or responsibility. It didn't even cross his mind to check if there would be anything going on in the family that might require his presence/attention/input. I find it really sad that none of you even make it onto his check list when he's planning his social life.

The request to go off on this - quite frankly bloody mad - trip, is just another example of the priority that your H places on you and the children - i.e. none. Don't hold up instances of cards, flowers, meals, generosity, interest, as shining beacons of how he 'isn't like that'. Notice how he can shower you with compliments, cash and short-term attention, but he is completely incapable of giving you the one thing that you and your children actually want and need, which is his time.

BigGreenOlives and I guess his four kids under 12 who already miss him and don't like him working away, will just have to suck it up whilst he's out of the country for three months, on a trip that is incredibly dangerous and unnecessary. Likewise I guess that OP has to manage his MIL as well..you know, the MIL that won't accept any help apart from family.

There's a difference between wanting to visit somewhere - good luck to you if you want to go to the Antarctic - and continually checking in and out of family life, as this man does.

If you want to go to the Antartic it's easy. You buy a package trip, it takes a fortnight and the only preparation needed is buying a thick coat and a better camera.

This is nothing like fulfilling a dream of going to the Arctic/Antarctic.

user1486924355 It's a dangerous trip because they are trying to reach the northern pole of inaccessibility.

As the name suggests it's a bloody long way from anywhere, difficult to get to and on an ice pack. You can't put anything permanent there because the ice pack is moving all the time. If something goes wrong then you are a long way from home - as the man who is leading this expedition should know, because he contracted necrotising fasciitis on his first attempt to get there, and then had to abandon his second attempt because the ice pack was melting.

A trip that's based in:

• one of the most remote places on earth that's not actually on land
• in extremely low temperatures with a very real risk of frostbite and hypothermia
• led by someone who is experienced but has never actually managed to get to this place yet despite two previous attempts
• involving 'ice warriors' who are actually rich tourists rather than experienced explorers themselves

Yeah, I'd say it's dangerous. And that's before you get into the wildlife aspect of it - hungry polar bears don't tend to be all that friendly.

My husband is currently working in another time zone. It is hard work with our 2 DC and my MIL in a care home and slightly doolally.
There are some freedoms and advantages to be gleaned from the whole thing however. I realise how much he actually does around the house and with the kids now he is not here. I miss him! I look forward to his trips back and our trips over to him.
I would say let him go but
a) Let him know that this is a big thing
b) Let him know exactly how tearful and worried you feel
c) Ask him to tell the children and explain it all/sell it to them
d) Put some provision in place for regular communication with the kids and you!
It's all very well everyone saying make him agree to a reciprocal arrangement for you but personally I have absolutely no desire to go travelling on my own for any length of time and I would miss my kids and worry about how they were doing.
Good Luck!

I had to post. I worked in an organisation that was involved in an earlier Ice Warrior "endeavour" My boss was taken in with the speil and my self and colleagues were working on the publicity side of it. We saw through it in about 5 mins flat. We laugh about it now but honestly the whole concept lacks validity in my opinion and I'm being polite.
If your husband possess any critical thinking skills can he take on board the points that the good people of mum's net have raised. Not about his behaviour (for now....) just solely about the validity and the integrity of the endeavour. Is it honestly enough that he knows some one from school that's involved or can he make his own decisions.

Can he list out the actual reasons with real honesty. Challenging him to analyse this in an academic way - not in emotion where he seems to be much of the time -would be intesting. I'd love to if you could show him the really good post about how his India trip had gone and what he could do differently.
He sounds needy and lots of this behaviour is about being liked or being one of the gang so he clearly has emotional needs he needs to meet however he seems to lack clarity when meeting them in a meaningful way. (I'd love you to show him this if you felt you could to see if he would agree)
But beyond this I wanted to share I was also in a similar philosophical place to you when it came to comparing my situation to others. I would often think we'll I'm much better off than my granny who had 17 kids and lived on nothing in an isolated farm which a husband who by all accounts was no prize (I never met him). However I learned that this was a redicilous piece of thinking as it was entirely irrelevant to my situation. Yes be thankful for your blessings but remember that ultimately it's about your relationship with the reality of your current circumstance that will be the best place to start. I worked on it through counselling and related found my identity values and voice. I don't start from the position of "well at least I'm not ....". You are a well educated intelligent prove lodged individual. What do you want, think, value, respect and how honest are you about it with your self and others ?... Let's make this about you now. If you have the time and money I'd suggest working on it. You probably can't change him but you can find you back again I hope.

Wishing you the best !

Your husband is a dick. Why are his needs more important than yours or the kids? If he really wanted to help a cause he could donate the ridiculous amount he's spending, or just do something useful rather than taking a vanity trip.

Ps and sorry for the typos

I would not show him this thread or any individual posts on it.

You will end up promising not to mumsnet as he will deem it unhelpful to the marriage and you'll lose this support.

Sorry Rook you do have a good point however I suppose I'm suggesting offering external perspective to help with the discussion. I don't think this man is controlling I think he sounds immature and cosseted.

SOdabread - I agree - I don't think the DH is deliberately controlling, but he does seem to have some old-fashioned ideas about being able to dictate what is DW does with her time and a rather fragile ego. I can't see any good of introducing him to a thread where posters have said rather strong things about him.

Perhaps OP you could try to be really benign about the trip. Tell him you've read about it and it doesn't look as if many people end up going - that might encourage him to do his own investigations.

As I said up-thread the best way to get him to change his mind is to tell him that you and the DCs will get on fine without him as he isn't around from day to day anyway and MIL will just have get on with it.

I think he sounds a particular type of wealthy public school boy adrenaline junkie. He also doesn't find banking especially satisfying a strong point in his favour and is trying recreate the sense of purpose he had in the forces.

I think the strategy of getting him to analyse this trip and it's merits (and possibly the lasting effects of his previous trips - what are they going to do in India when all the laptop batteries wear out? or need to replace the software?) rather than effects on your marriage etc is a good one.

After all, presumably in business he does due diligence, rather than just saying 'someone from school's involved, must be alright'?

If the trip really is scientifically worthwhile, why does the website say nothing about the science that will be undertaken or the scientific foundations backing it? Why hasn't it happened yet in 7 years? If the pole really is inaccessible why 4 teams each doing 20 days - can't they just helicopter to where team 4 is starting for the final run And so on and so forth.

What does he really really want to do? Something worthwhile, lasting and challenging or hang about with knobs from school?

I don't think this man is controlling I think he sounds immature and cosseted.

I agree - as others have pointed out, I think the thing that really comes across is the extent to which, in his own mind, he is the star and the OP and the kids are supporting cast.

The OP has encouraged that by revolving her life around his "of course, I'll learn to make complicated Persian dishes and serve them to your family" "of course, you can turn up with your rugby mates and I'll serve you lunch" "what do you want for breakfast? You just sit there and I'll serve you"

What I don't understand is, if he has so much money, why his wife doesn't have more help. Why isn't someone employed to cook Persian dishes, or look after the children?

Some of these responses make me laugh..did somebody really ask why this trip might be dangerous??!

Yes mumto2two they really did. If the clue wasn't already in the name of the place!!

This trip is sounding more dodgy by the minute.

This morning, he has flown out in a flap to go kick boxing with the boys, making out it was my fault that DD's school play clashes with his Ferrari show-off day on Wed. I'm sure I emailed him to put this in is his diary, but with 4 DC things can slip and I am not a secretary. He has now just texted to say "sorted" he will drive back early, but "don't forget" about the 3 day track event he is going to in Italy the week after This is what it's like a lot of the time. I don't care what he does, but we are in a position where he will just say yes to whatever comes his way, whereas I'm not in a position to do the same.

The reason we don't have more help is my "fault" really because I find dealing with nannies etc more hassle than it's worth and tbh, I would rather do it myself. He wouldn't mind though. I do have a cleaner and he wouldn't care or know if she came everyday.

Thankyou for the info and views and sorry if I sound mad.

You would be very unwise to say he can't go. Do you want to be the one to squash his big dream ?
Can he fund it ?

Start planning your own big adventure

Darlink one big dream? He's off for a day out in his Ferrari on Wed, then off to a three day track event in Italy the week after. His life is one big dream!

The Op's however...

I know of someone who is just as selfish as your DH. He spends his time going off on similar macho adventures around the world and doing loads of racing and sailing activities in between running his various businesses which make millions. The difference is that he doesn't have children and he isn't married (divorced) so nobody cares if he's around or not. His work colleagues all consider him to have more money than sense and to be an entitled idiot. I'd be interested to know what your DHs business colleagues really think about him!

Can I ask why exactly he wanted children and 4 at that? He sounds the sort of person who would be better with no children and then he or the both of you could do exactly what you want when you want.

I would let him go. But he needs to do something major for you too - preferably before he goes.

Jaxhog By something big, do you mean something that costs over £50,000, takes 100 days and will involve him taking total responsibility for the family for the duration?

Or just buying her a spa day

Alaia5 you do not sound mad at all. Just mad that you are being taken for granted.

He does seem to act with irritation of his plans don't go smoothly doesn't he? Doesn't care what you do as long as it's on your own time.

It's pretty obvious that you're going to accept this for what it is as well as the long line of things that will come afterwards. I'm just more alarmed (as I was with my dad when he told me) that he takes care of all bills. Do you both have a plan in place on where to start if he dies on one of these things he does? How to take care of all affairs if he suddenly wasn't here?

The more I read, the more heartbroken I feel for you, OP. Your OH seems to be living the dream whilst you're stuck at home with FOUR children. He fucks off whenever he wants to wherever he wants without consulting you. What kind of a partnership is this?! I'd be looking into my options...