To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

Yanbu...its dangerous trip and thats the reason id hate it. Ill be worrying every minute he was ok. With limited wifi phone etc ...nope i couldnt cope but thats me. Op you sound stronger than me. If he goes (if) He needs to sort the mil situation, his will, whats happening with his job. Its not a simple decision. 3 months is a long time!

londonrach

Why is it a dangerous trip?

You're the one who used to work with the refugee kids aren't you, and DH didn't want you going back to work because all your kids are owed the same input for getting into top private schools as the eldest? I cannot say that I am surprised at all this.

Obviously YANBU, and wouldn't be even if he didn't have form. The posts about you being controlling and spousal freedom are astonishing in their ridiculousness. Lumbering you with all this shit is spectacularly controlling, and your DHs freedom is coming at the expense of your own.

He's going to go anyway op. The 'talk' is just to talk you in to agreeing. It's probably already booked!

I'd not ask my dh not to go, but I'd be miffed he wanted to spend 3 months away from his wife and family.

Of course he doesn't want you to work, he might need to step up and it would get in the way of his jollies.

If he goes I hope, as my grandad used to say... 'I hope you've got the bugger well backed'.

MissDacresEUSubsidy...
Couldn't put it better if I tried

So when is the big discussion ?
We know you will say OK
He will always do what he wants.

He does not give a shit what you want or think

Is this lifestyle so important to you ? Or do your kids come first ?

I think he's forgotten he's a husband and father....it's way too much to ask of you!

I wouldn't want my husband to go away for that long. im sure there are shorter trips to the North Pole! Perhaps a major tour around Europe with all of you?

YANBU and I hope your DH will listen to you. I suspect that he will tell you that he is going even if you ask him not to.

I haven't read the other threads but whichever way you cut it, he seems abusive and controlling.

Money shouldn't mean that you have to put up with shoddy treatment and be grateful for the small crumbs of consideration or attention he throws at you and your DC on his terms.

I am mum to 5 kids under 12 OP. I would be going apeshit that he had even considered it & would seriously be considering my options. I could not be in a relationship with or respect someone who cared so little about my wellbeing or who would voluntarily want to be away from their children for 3 months and who appears to be an emotionally absent dad.

I am also shocked by the amount of abuse-enablement going on here in terms of people thinking poor ickle diddums needs to go off and find himself, willy waving in the North Pole.

You are not being controlling, he is putting an unreasonable and wholly unnecessary burden on you, with no promise of any sort of reciprocity. It sets an appalling example for your children who, if you aren't careful, will treat you exactly the same way as their father. You need to stand up for yourself otherwise you are giving the message that you are worthless and who can be bought.

If you would genuinely miss him to the point of grieving for want of a better word I would tell him this. Consider of the kids will miss him to their detriment or not be that affected because he works away so much. Maybe you can all see him off near the north pole and stay nearby for some of the time. It may distance you and the kids from him without you meaning it to but lots of people have absentee fathers that they still have s relationship with.

Thankyou so much everyone. I'm just up with the cats and have read all the perspectives from yesterday evening.

DH got back last night, but he was quite tired and the kids were around so we haven't discussed anything yet.
He's only been gone since Tuesday. The girls were having a "sleepover" in the same bed and made him lie in their bed with them until they went to sleep. The little one told him she hopes he's coming to her show next week or she'll be very cross. DH is worried he's meant to be on a car racing day, but says he'll sort something. Well he will have to.
I totally see the point about "vanity trips" and this aspect does annoy me. When he went to India recently, they took cases of laptops and educational resources for a project there. DS told him he should really be flying economy and "Who do you think you are, Angelina Jolie"

Thankyou so much again and I'll post with what he has to say for himself later.

For your six-year-old an absence of this length is getting on for a quarter of her/his life. Not only that, but it's at a critical time. For you, an absence of a quarter of your life (about six years?...) is one thing, but for a young child when her view of the world is changing daily and she needs adult help in adjusting, it's crucial.

Your partner is being far too self-centred, OP. In choosing to be a founding part of a family he has cut off other choices - that's what being an adult is all about. We can't do everything, and if we choose to be a pilot or a dancer then we cut off the chances of being a forensic pathologist or a world class skier. Why, anyway, would anyone want to be lots of different things? Choosing, and then finding fulfilment, in one particular path is part of adulthood.

Isn't this a make-or-break thing? And, given your partner is now forty-five, actually this point should have been reached a long time back. He is being self-centred, selfish and controlling.

There aren't many unexplored parts of the world and, unless your partner has very specialist knowledge and expertise, his input into this expedition is redundant. The benefit of this trip is all on his side and it's nothing more than a hobby and a holiday.

Time for a wake-up call.

How about thinking of it as a military expedition. Speak to military wives. They have to cope with this all the time. Get their perspectives.

Carn't be easy for both of you. might be a opportunity of a life-time for him but three months without wife and kids. Bet DH doesn't like the idea either. Again get perspective from people who experience this MWives. Hope you work it out

He's not very bright in his charitable giving is he? Even your DS has clocked him

He clearly needs to do something that makes him feel useful and important. But each time what he really ends up doing is willy-waving.

Take the trip to India - something that would really have benefitted the place he went would have been finding ot exactly what they wanted, buying it in India, ideally Indian made laptops etc and so the whole effort was sustainable and supported the local economy.

Or not buying them anything at all, flying economy and setting them up a trust fund with the money saved that they can use to buy things in perpetuity as and when they need them and according to their needs.

Because what exactly are they going to do when these laptops break and need replacing? Wait for another white saviour to fly and and rescue them?

The Polar Trip is similar. If it was really useful to science and exploration, why isn't it being done by scientists (sponsored by a University or Climate Change Foundation) and a group of experienced explorers, instead of a group of enthusiastic amateurs having 'an experience'. Isn't that the reason the trip has failed to get of the ground for 7 bloody years?

He's got money, he's got energy, he could make a massive difference to a charity if he just picked one, preferably in the UK so he saw you and got an insight that there is inequality everyone, preferably a small one that will spend all the money actually on projects not advertising, got in touch with their fundraising team and set to work.

He could get all the validation he needs of doing good works, do all the challenges he likes but actually be doing something genuinely beneficial instead of a poor Angelina Jolie imitation.

I would be interested in whether this polar trip is aiming to do anything that is actually useful? I have an involvement with the organisations who coordinate the 'official' research, which can be seen here. Maybe it's important but too expensive, or maybe it's considered uninteresting to the real scientists?

Just asked my DH (also in 40s) what he thought of the situation.

"Tell him to get over his mid life crisis and raise his bloody kids".

Can't agree more. He's not a kid anymore. He has responsibilities and should grow up.

DS told him he should really be flying economy and "Who do you think you are, Angelina Jolie" grin

Your kids are awesome! I love that your DD (in previous thread) told him he behaved like he lived in a hotel. Dare I say it, they're more assertive than you are!

I'm afraid OP if he does this next on the list is Everest and quite often they don't reach the top first time so will try again. Sorry I'd put my foot down and say no he has to have some responsibility for MIL and the family. There's nothing wrong with a midlife crisis and searching for thrills but you can involve the whole family, go to Svalbard and see the polar bears together, build a raft and float down a Swedish river, families do this all the time and camp under the stars.

Don't think of it as a military expedition. Those would be earning money for the family, not spunking it.

A car day? The man's a selfish prick.

I think I'd encourage him to go. I want to visit the Antarctic and DH doesn't so at some point I hope to make the trip on my own.

He only has one life, let him live it to the full. You can get extra help for housework & a friendly mini cab driver will prioritise you if you explain your situation. My mother died young, I think this has influenced my opinion.

Let him live his one life to the full, while he expects you to subordinate yours to facilitating his goals. The problem with that sort of seize the day, live the dream attitude is that only one person in the couple can have it, when there are significant responsibilities.

If time and money are really no object, tell him to take a few years out to become a climate scientist or a geologist. That way he at least has something useful to bring to the table on his jolly