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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that this is too much?

745 replies

Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:11

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 17/03/2017 20:23

Tell his, that's fine, great idea, if fact so great you are coming too, and perhaps he can help with ideas about who is going to look after the kids and house.

Lovelymess · 17/03/2017 20:32

YANBU. My oh wouldn't even dream of being away from the children - or me for that long!

MsJudgemental · 17/03/2017 20:35

Sorry, but you have let yourself become a doormat. He treats you like a nanny and housekeeper while he does more 'exciting and fulfilling' things. You should be the one fucking off for 3 months with a wodge of cash.

fikel · 17/03/2017 20:36

We all have life long ambitions but priorities change once you're married and have children. I wouldn't be happy to be continually holding the fort, whilst hubby ticks off his bucket list.

emmaloo14 · 17/03/2017 20:39

I'm sorry I think you are being unreasonable, for me it's a once in lifetime trip. Me and my husband are a partnership but we both have dreams and as long as I can cope with family life then I will always support him, but then he supports me in my dreams too xxx

fikel · 17/03/2017 20:43

As a mum with 4 children I am guessing your ambitions have been put on hold, a partnership is about taking equal responsibility for all the mundane stuff responsibilities bring. I just don't feel he is acting responsibly towards you or your children.

usernamealreadytaken · 17/03/2017 20:45

I had a look at the website. It appears to be a jolly for very rich folk to go on to do "important things" whilst finding themselves. If he wants to do something amazing for a charity, he can donate the £20k which will make an enormous difference to a small desperate charity.

He may well have missed the boat anyway, as the website states that the trip dates are "February 2017 and finish in May". There are no dates advertised for 2018.

Megatherium · 17/03/2017 20:49

Did he have the "serious discussion" that he said he wanted to have with you? What did he say?

Orangetoffee · 17/03/2017 21:01

After reading that website, I would find it very hard to have a serious discussion about it. All this talk about from ice warrior to earth warriors, saving the world from global warming, it really is more money than sense. And how does the purchase of several cars tie in with his sudden urge to combat global warming?

Any way, I really hope he listens to your feelings and concerns.

Lulu49 · 17/03/2017 21:07

He should go, you and the kids will cope loads of people do. You have friends and family who would help u out if need be? Might do your relationship the power of good as well. 😊

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 17/03/2017 21:10

I really do enjoy the 'leap in without reading the full thread brigade'. Hmm Read the updates for fuck's sake before you go all Stepford.

So again, for the benefit of all of those who are saying "let him go", did you miss the part when OP is expected to look after the demanding - and probably ill - MIL? Or the part where he has form for fucking off on big jollies every time he gets itchy feet - which is approximately every 5 minutes? Or the part where he kicked off about OP wanting a part time job? Yes him, the same man that wants to sod off to a different fucking continent for 3 months.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 17/03/2017 21:12

And no Lulu, if you read the thread OP only has her own DM to 'help' - but has already said that her Mum wouldn't be much help as OP would have to look after her as well as 4 kids and the MIL.

AbernathysFringe · 17/03/2017 21:15

And I don't think 'causes' are a good argument for any trips like this. They're personal jollies. If someone really wants to support a cause, pull out your chequebook, quietly write a cheque, and don't tell everyone and their mother about how great you are because you donated on facebook.
OMG Ewe I love you! I've always thought exactly this but not expressed it so well. I just call it 'bragity' (bragging about your charity obvs).
But actually, OP, as someone who needs to travel a lot to maintain sanity I say you should arrange a lot of fun things for you and the children while he's away and let him go. You'll have lots to talk about when he gets back.

KirstyLaura · 17/03/2017 21:16

I read this out to my husband. By the fourth sentence he interrupted me - 'No.'
YANBU. Another 7 or 8 years would be a different story I think.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 17/03/2017 21:20

I've just looked at that blog that a PP linked to - the amount of training required means that it is going to take over his life. The blogger was training 6 days a week and doing half-marathons as part of it.

Take that in and then being brutally honest, ask yourself about how much impact this will have on family life? If he decides to go ahead with this then there will be months of training for it and most likely he'll have to go to residential courses. I suspect that he'll probably end up doing marathons and triathlons as part of his fitness - and training for those is time-consuming. This is going to impact on your whole family's life for at least a year.

skills · 17/03/2017 21:20

Ask him to imagine the reverse situation and what he would do in your shoes if you were going on an extreme challenge in a remote country for 3 months. Ask him to really think about how he would feel, what he would do, and what support he would need AND what support you would need.

If it goes ahead - Can you all take part in this somehow - e.g. Kids raise awareness at school so the whole community around you knows what's going on.
There is no easy answer - but I also think North Pole a preferable mid life crisis to having an affair...! Plus may be weirdly inspirational but only if you embrace it. Good luck to you both - let us know the final decision

Geobaby · 17/03/2017 21:23

A while ago I would have said that yadnbu, but I've had a bit of a shift innmybthibkjng since I hit my 40's. If I wanted to do this and my dh prevented it I would be really resentful. YOLO. I know that children are a commitment that you both commit to, but honestly, 3 months in the grand scheme of things is nothing. I would be miffed for a couple of days, and would have to negotiate some agreement whereby I get to do something similar if I want to, but I wouldn't stand in the way. Plenty of families manage with a partner away for months at a time for various reasons. It will be tough, but manageable.

Londonbum · 17/03/2017 21:25

This is NOT a tough one, and your DH is a massive twat.

Iggi999 · 17/03/2017 21:25

Geobaby - do you think he'd then say to her, this is top on my bucket list so next I want you to choose something you really want to do darling and devote a year to it, I'll support you all the way.
If he would, then go for it. But I have my doubts!

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 17/03/2017 21:27

It would without a doubt be a huge sacrifice for you BUT an amazing experience for him and more importantly such a good example to your children. Setting out and achieving a goal like that would be amazing!

expatinscotland · 17/03/2017 21:45

Yeah, it's a terrific example to set to your kids - it's perfectly fine to fuck off on jollies for months at time and leave the other person to do it all. Definitely something I want to show my kids! Uh huh, that one person's 'dreams' are more important than the prior commitments they made to their own children. So they can wind up married to a selfish twat just like the OP's husband.

Pallisers · 17/03/2017 21:47

It would without a doubt be a huge sacrifice for you BUT an amazing experience for him and more importantly such a good example to your children. Setting out and achieving a goal like that would be amazing!

A good example to his children?? On what planet? let's see. What can they learn from his example.

  1. Only mums are there day in day out for their children. Dads can take whatever time off from the role they want.
  1. if you have enough money it is ok to buy interesting experiences even if they have an awful environmental impact and are clearly pandering to male, middle-aged egos
  1. If I pretend hard enough and act like I am 19 (except with money) maybe I can stave off age and mortality
  1. Men don't have to take care of their mothers. If they marry, their wives do that (I wonder will this man's daughters ever marry)
  1. The north pole is a playground for rich people, just like Everest.
  1. Loving your children doesn't mean you have to see them for long periods of time (terrifying that one)

The only possible thing I can imagine that is worth modelling is possibly that you can work very hard at something difficult and maybe you can achieve it. Except of course this is a working hard at something that is entirely facilitated by money and ego.

I think the man is going to go on this trip or something similar. I think the OP will suck it up because, as she says, the marriage does work on one level - or maybe more than one level - for her and she loves him. I think deep down she will lose respect for him if he goes. I think he is setting a very poor example for his children.

Herhighness · 17/03/2017 21:53

Say yes in he takes the older children and MIL with him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/03/2017 21:58

Yorick - I think you've said all I wanted to, and very well. I hope the OP really does take it all in but she's been so conditioned to think that because her husband isn't downright abusive or cheating, he is a "good'un" - no, he's not. It's just that the OP's bar has been set too low for what qualifies as a good'un. :(

pluck · 17/03/2017 21:58

You sound a bit sad and bewildered that all of your sacrifices haven't made him appreciate you enough to not keep leaving you for his hobbies and jollies. Could it be that the more you "don't stand in the way of his dreams," the less you are actually there, in front of him, in his mind?

At the same time, he's also becoming less and less indispensible to you and the DC, as you get more and more used to being without him.

This is no good for a relationship, either the pressure you feel to let him go away and do whatever he wants to, or the guilt you might feel, for feeling that his is dispensible, on a day to day basis.

Could you see yourself saying "no" to this expedition (and starting to say no to the many other ways in which he checks out of family life), and see it as not selfishness on your part, but fighting to get him back? You said yourself that you couldn't understand how he could leave you and the DC for so long. Can you see him as estranged from you? If he is, surely letting him go further and longer away is exactly the opposite of what is needed to overcome that estrangement.

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