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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that this is too much?

745 replies

Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:11

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

OP posts:
user1485705791 · 17/03/2017 18:56

My father has always been the adventurous type and for work or otherwise left my mum with the four of us with a nanny but no family around. He has been to the Antarctic three times for work. When we were older he took us to his adventures. He is now 76 still very fit and sporty. It has always been a great example of fitting exercise between work commitments . We are all sporty now. I also love the fact my dad is the most happy dad I have met. We are all prouder our dad and very happy children (and now parents). Of course let him go! Look after you too!

Craigie · 17/03/2017 19:03

Ask him this. Would he support you if you wanted to take 3 months out away from the family? If he cannot give an unequivocal yes, then you need to say that you don't support his decision and tell him not to go.

Original poster
Alaia5 · 17/03/2017 19:03

Thankyou everyone for so many perspectives!
I haven't even read the detail in the website too much, or some other info DH forwarded to me I don't feel I want to - plus I've been on this thread. Holder - thankyou for this info! The training sounds a nightmare as I fully suspected. DH is usually training for something but this would be another level.

He seems to know someone from school who is involved which is usually the case with most of his plans. Someone else he knows is there now for some reason. I think all I can do is find out where he is actually at with it and go from there. I strongly suspect he could do something similar but not as extreme.

He is surrounded by a lot of men who are on a different wavelength really. He has also bought a few cars lately and garages to put them in, even though he has little time to drive them. Obviously, that was just the start of things. Maybe all men go through something like this in their 40s to some extent?

OP posts:
user1486924355 · 17/03/2017 19:06

Hi Alaia5,

I'm afraid that he is taking the p!$$. As others have said, this is all to do with willy waving. After this it will be rowing the Atlantic (Commercial expedition), then it will be climbing Everest (guided commercial expedition) then the 7 Summits followed by the Geographic North and South Poles (Commercial expeditions) next.

I have participated in a number of overland, polar and mountaineering expeditions, so do actually know what i'm talking about. Had your DH harboured dreams from childhood of completing this expedition then I would be impressed. Look up Pen Hadow, he was mocked on a number of occasions when he said he wanted to be the first Brit to ski to the Geographic North Pole, solo and unsupported. Indeed, he made several attempts and against all odds succeeded. Look up Jim Shekhdar who rowed the Pacific when everyone told him he would fail. It is these people that inspire me.

As for dangers, I wouldn't worry too much as i'm sure he will be okay, as tbh, this is nothing more than a glorified all inclusive adventure package holiday, where he will have his hand held all the way.

If I sound bitter, i'm really not. I'm more amused to be honest. Most decent mountaineers wouldn't be seen dead climbing Everest for example where most of the climbers are nothing more than rich tourists who don't know how to wear crampons.

My point is this, this will not be a 'one off' there will be other lengthy package holidays (not expeditions). If you are willing to accept this then fair enough, if not, then stamp on it now.

ojr1609 · 17/03/2017 19:07

I'd say yes as it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. One day the tables may be turned and you would like to do a once in a lifetime 'thing'.
I just don't understand all of the "what's in it for you?" I wouldn't see it like that.

There's no doubt that it would be difficult without him there, but my answer would still be a whole hearted "yes"

5moreminutes · 17/03/2017 19:14

As Holder 's blog link shows, it looks likely that Ice Warrior will take tens of thousands of pounds of your family's money and nothing more than training and appearing in the media to try to recruit other stooges will actually happen, so I guess that might be a good thing in a weird way, if you can afford to chuck enough money to buy a modest house in some parts of the UK away on an ego trip that comes to nothing...

Original poster
Alaia5 · 17/03/2017 19:21

Sorry if I'm cross posting or not keeping up with the comments.
To answer the question as to whether he would do this for me - that would be a no, I think, but zi could not ever imagine asking him to! I would have to ask him about 8 months ahead to clear his schedule, but even then "unavoidable" things would creep in during the intervening time. He has 2 main companies but loads of other spin offs and is a non-exec director for some other companies as well, so it's very consuming and he rarely switches off completely. I wouldn't ask him to look after the kids at home as I know he would get claustrophobic doing that and I eould feel too guilty about to do it. If I went away, he would take the DC camping or similar. If I go off for the day they all eat out. So yes there is a imbalance in this respect.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 17/03/2017 19:21

I would say yes. It's a once in a lifetime thing, and the things we regret are those we don't do. Your children will also manage for three months.

But I would set extremely firm boundaries with your MIL - if they don't like it, tough. And I would expect him to reciprocate so that you can do something that YOU fancy.

DistanceCall · 17/03/2017 19:21

I wouldn't ask him to look after the kids at home as I know he would get claustrophobic doing that and I would feel too guilty about to do it.

So stop it. Ignore your guilt.

apringle · 17/03/2017 19:28

It is selfish of him but if it's what he really wants to do you only live once i suppose.

frozenfairy123 · 17/03/2017 19:30

Sorry but 3 months is too long for a jolly when u have kids. Work is another matter.

Tell him to find something 2 weeks long to satisfy his need to escape.

PoorYorick · 17/03/2017 19:31

If he is that hyper and itchy-footed, he should not have had four children. But he did. So like anyone else who made an important life-changing decision four times over, he needs to keep up to his responsibilities.

Does he really think nobody else with kids longs to jack it all in and fuck off travelling for months on end?

mellicauli · 17/03/2017 19:35

It's funny isn't it: he's prepared to trek to the arctic but looking after 4 kids would be "too much" for him.

I think you should just point out that he wouldn't be prepared to hold the fort for 3 months for you, so he already understands perfectly well why you are reluctant to do the same for him.

GreekGod · 17/03/2017 19:35

YANBU You have 4 kids all under 15 years old and he wants 3 months off ??

Naicehamshop · 17/03/2017 19:36

Yes -definitely willy waving. Find your self- respect here, op and stand up for yourself.

Naicehamshop · 17/03/2017 19:37

EXACTLY mellicauli!

PoorYorick · 17/03/2017 19:40

mellicauli, of course you are right. But this is the logic used by men who want to keep women in their place and feel good about it. "Your job is so much harder than mine, I could never do it, you're worth ten of me, that's why I get to bugger off at will but you have to stay chained to the sink. Because you're so strong and special."

Dumdedumdedum · 17/03/2017 19:40

It's been said before - he can manage clear his work commitments to take three months off for himself, but couldn't do the same so you could take three months for yourself? Hmm.

Nannyplumupthebum · 17/03/2017 19:51

Only got to page 6 of the thread but raging for you OP.

If my DH did that my marriage would be over, sorry.

I'd be a hot mess of resentment if he went and he'll be a hot mess of resentment if he doesn't. He also sounds deeply manipulative. Maybe you ought to use the time he is away to make plans to exit the relationship because frankly, I don't think I would be able to share a life with such a selfish arse and would be reaching for the carving knife every time he regaled me with tales of his adventure on his return.

What an utter utter selfish entitled over-privileged bastard and how dare he treat you like this. You are letting him treat you like paid staff. It's not acceptable, don't cheapen yourself to put up with it. Flowers

LancelotLink · 17/03/2017 19:58

80 days to get to the North Pole? Where's he starting from? Paris?

EveEve13 · 17/03/2017 20:08

I think if this was a life long passion, and he truly saw what he was asking his family and you to sacrifice, then yes. -and I would align it so you and the kids visit your mum for a month and do some amazing holiday of your own.. maybe a safari in Africa or a month on a beach in Asia!

But, he just sounds spoilt. Can you leave him with the kids for a week and you go somewhere? If not, he is not a parent - the fact he would propose taking three months off for this but not even three days for his kids or you is sad.
I really feel for you, please get your own career back and stop judging success of your marriage just on whether he sleeping around or not, rather it should be on how he treats you all

TyrannosauraRegina · 17/03/2017 20:11

OP completely irrespective of the commitment and 80-day absence, I would be extremely wary of your DH sinking that much money (£12,000 per 20-day segment, plus additional costs for the compulsory medical training, selection weekends etc) into an expedition which has been postponed for a year with no explanation. None of the information on the website says it has been moved to 2018, only the Ice Warrior Facebook page. Are you sure it would go ahead? I think it highly likely you'll just end up losing the best part of £50,000.

Payitforward55 · 17/03/2017 20:12

*Nanny - exactly

TyrannosauraRegina · 17/03/2017 20:19

Also I am highly dubious of their claims that this is some sort of scientific expedition - from this BBC article from 2015 it seems that the "Last Pole" expedition has been run in 2016, 2017 and now will happen again in 2018. It seems to have ceased being science and simply become a commercial enterprise and an excuse for well-off people having a life crisis to go on an extortionately expensive trip.

GladGran · 17/03/2017 20:23

Let him go! He wants to do it and it will give you great leverage in the future. If you prevent his going, he will always be resentful and wish "What if". Your kids will cope and love him all the more when he comes back with amazing tales. They will be so proud of their Dad! It's only 3 months, FGS, not 3 years. As OP have said, plenty of mums cope with children with no father around, ever.