To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

Let's be honest - having read your previous threads, your life is basically all about doing everything so that your DH can live the life he wants. There is no way that he won't do whatever he wants anyway so what's the point in pretending that you have some kind of say or influence?

If you're lucky, your DH will get some other female relative to look after your MIL but that's as good as it will get.

Alaia - I asked you this on one of your previous threads and you didn't answer. You probably won't again but:

Has your DH ever done anything that he didn't want to do because you wanted it? Has he ever put himself out for you? Not thrown money at a problem or done an extravagant gesture for Mother's Day but genuinely not done something that he really wanted to do because it would inconvenience you?

I bet the answer is no. I bet you do it all the time. From your last thread, he doesn't even make you a cup of tea, he just sits around while you serve him like he lives in a hotel and you're maid service.

But, given that you have put up with this for years, I can only assume that you like your life to be all about serving him.

Rookie - Yes I am enjoying the course. It's all still "up there"somewhere, but 15 years out has knocked my confidence.

I know loads of men like DH and many that are far worse e.g. with alcohol problems or having serial affairs. It's all around me tbh and any issues I have seem quite minor when I speak to friends, which is why many of the reactions on here can be a bit of a shock for me.

Can't he just get a convertible and a younger gf like other men do with their mid-life crisis?
That sounds ridiculous. Nobody dreams of walking to the North Pole.

Notin - He will do things for me. If I asked him to go to the shop to get me something he would always go. We moved to this house because I wanted to. He goes along with most things I want, day to day. He doesn't interfere with decisions I make eg. choice of schools for DC or pets. If there is somewhere I want to go he will book it. He makes an effort with my friends when he sees them. He takes care of all bills, the cars etc. If anything is broken in the house, he sorts it or gets someone in. When my mother was ill we went to Spain and he went around the hospitals sorting all her treatment so that I could spend time with her. He will take all 4 kids out of the house to give me break. He has a lot of energy for the kids when he's here. He will always do lifts and taxi kids about, rather than me having to do it. He listens to me. He never loses his temper, uses bad or abusive language. He has good manners and is respectful. He's affectionate and always tells me he loves me. So these are some of the reasons I'm with him.

Alaia - but do any of these things involve giving something up that he wanted? If you asked him not to do one of his hobbies because you wanted to go out, would he? If you asked him to take one of the kids to the dentist, would he?

But none of those things are exclusively for you. The course you had to fight for and had to make a compromise over. Does he ever tell you to put your feet up and he will take over the cooking, sorting out the kids whilst bringing you a cup of tea? Tells you to stay in bed in the morning and he will make his own smoothie? Skip rugby when you are not feeling well so he can look after the girls?

Yes he would miss rugby or whatever if I was ill. I admit he doesn't cook or get involved in the kitchen so I suppose I do pander to this, even though I know thousands wouldn't.

I think he has to be fair to you as well as the kids and not go, he has family responsibilities.

How come he gets to decide what you do career wise and you don't have a say on trip?

I would let him go. The pay off is that you get a two week girlie holiday somewhere once he's back and settled back into the family routine. If he says no to that, they it's a no to his trip

You are NOT being unreasonable. It's far too much and very selfish. If he's fit enough at 45, he'll almost undoubtedly be fit enough at 55. It's hardly old, and your youngest will be 16 by then. That would be the time to do this. We make choices when we have children and when we get married. Three months on a haunt however lovely is a long time. It is entirely different going away for work. You have four children. He's jolly lucky you are even contemplating it. You must be a very tolerant person.

I think I'd struggle with this too but I was just wondering what the advice to Mrs Peake would have been if she'd posted about Tim going to space for 6 months and leaving her with the kids!

My hubs is fab. I know he argued with the kids (18/14) and things aren't ever perfect, but we have a good relationship, healthy sex life, both work, both cook at home, and enjoy time together ... BUT, if the opportunity came up for him to go away for three month, I'd have his case packed now!

Three month jolly or whatever for him, means three month of peach and quiet for me and the kids doing what we want to do.

If you really want to listen to the people in here giving it tit for tat (where's your three month off?) simply wait until the kids are grown ups and book yourself into a spa break/cruise holiday/whatever.

Family is everything but never give up on your dreams. Three month is a drop in the ocean compared to a lifetime, it will pass quickly for both you and the kids. And with today's tech, I doubt he'll be out of reach the whole time.

Let him go! Enjoy nearly three whole months of life to yourself with your children. The time he misses out on, you can make the most of. Make memories. Go on outings that he might not enjoy. Ask him for a budget to support you all in his absence and make the very most of it. When he comes back, show him all the photos.

Anyone on here who has or has had four or more children will understand that it would be very hard, however brilliant a Mum you are. Three months on your own without your soulmate would be lonely. Scrap my earlier suggestion, if he waits until the youngest is 18 you can go off together or at the same time to different places and that would be lovely. Believe me it comes round quickly. Twelve years goes in a flash.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. When we commit to a relationship and choose to have children we take on responsibilities and these things are life-changing. Of course we are all entitled to (and need) individual time, interests, recreation etc. but a trip of 3 months is just not something that is compatible with family/couple life. It sounds as if he's already quite an "absent" father due to his work in which case it's more important not less that he spends time with the family when he is not working. Why is he not prioritising this? The examples we present to our children are role models for their own relationships and parenting in the future and if they see it as acceptable for a husband and father to take off for a 3 month holiday/trek how will this influence them?

Fuck a "2 week girly holiday "!!
Tell him that YOU are going off for 3 months next year, and mean it.

Thing is having spent ages googling this fecking expedition it's not just a matter of letting him go.

He's got to spend the whole year getting fit, lugging tyres around behind him and so on. Plus going to endless training camps. And then raising money, going to events about it etc.

It really isn't just going away for the 3 months or however long. He is going to have his entire time, including wife and family time, consumed by this expedition which probably isn't going to happen anyway given they've been trying to get it off the ground for at least 7 years and haven't done it yet.

writermom why should the OP wait until the children are grown up and her DH can go now?

And I guess the latest posters have missed the part about the demanding MIL.

This is such a difficult situation and I feel for you. My DH used to go abroad to work for months sometimes, I hated it when he left but did get used to it. The difference here is that it isn't work but for his pleasure. I can see why others think his behaviour is unreasonable but I can also see why you would want to see him get as much from his life as possible.

I used to find it difficult when DH came home again (although I was obviously pleased to see him) as I was so used to looking after all of us and doing everything myself that I resented his interference. Also he used to take the DC for special days out when he first came home, but didn't do much for me. I felt resentful and neglected - I was neglected in fact. In the end our marriage broke down to such an extent that we separated - though we did eventually reconcile.

I didn't have your problems with MIL though, as she lived at a distance. I think that this big issue must be dealt with if he does go, your idea of sending her to BIL sounds good, though obviously this would be especially hard for his wife who presumably now has DC?

For me the big issue would be his safety whilst he was away, some aspects of this trip sound very dangerous.

These are HIS kids. He doesn't get to just shrug off responsibility for 3 months while he goes off and does something more exciting, not to mention leaving you to look after his ghastly mother.

My adult ds and his gf have just told me, they are upset about it, that gf's mum and stepdad are going on a two-week holiday in another continent, leaving their dc, aged 15 and 14 at home. There is no family nearby. Gf has not lived at home since early teenage years. What should I do?

I do not think yabu. It will be a jolly for him plus all the back slapping and he's a jolly good fellow bullshit when he gets back As for your mil, stick her in a home for the duration might ease the pressure and if you have lots of friends or family to support you then you might consider giving your blessing and as other contributors mention perhaps a holiday for yourself, spa break or the Maldives etc. for your reward with your friends upon his return, there had to be something in it for you!! It might be in a good cause but he wants to be the hero here and I think he is being a selfish prick

My husband had this attitude. He was on call for 18 years. Odd hours. Spent so many weekends on my own with 4 young children. Then he would buy boats, cars etc. Go on holiday with boys every year. Whilst I was the mainstay at home. The resentment builds up and then explodes years down the line. It did in my case. I worked too but part time and did everything for the children but he made me feel a second class citizen . All I am saying is we can't all do what we want when we want so don't feel mean for no wanting him to go. But if you are ok about it then that is fine also and your relationship will not be effected. All relationships are different.

It is NOT a once in a lifetime trip, I'm sorry. It's an organized expedition. It's not without its dangers though! Yes, it's for a great cause but family comes first. Your children are young and they miss their Dad enough already. He is being selfish imo. His life is not "half over" for heavens sake! He needs to re-jig his attitude a bit and be grateful for everything he has accumulated and achieved in his 45 years - he is a lucky man to have 4 children and a loving and supportive wife! You clearly support him a great deal (esp dealing with mil!) and perhaps he needs to be a bit more appreciative of that, rather than constantly looking for the next adrenaline hit. He gets more time to pursue a career and "independent" time than most family-men. And if he is doing it to gain the admiration of his peers, he should be more concerned with the admiration of his children. They would rather have their Dad around for that 3 months. He should be celebrating their achievements, witnessing their milestones, because that's what being a parent is about. You don't let go of your dreams when you have kids but sacrifices have to be made and dreams have to be shelved, sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. If he was injured or killed on that North Pole trip what would you all do? If you asked him to take three months off work just to spend time with the family, would he? If you can afford for him to take tre time off, how about going traveling as a family for three months (and no, not the North Pole!)?? That way you all benefit. I'm sorry to be so blunt here, but he's a Dad now and he needs to grow up.