To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

Op I have one a bit like this he does stuff like canoe down the Amazon and disappear in to the Malaysian jungle.

I also did stuff myself though for the duration of our 19 year marriage and only 2 dc. But it comes down to the fact that both he and I actually prefer to do things apart too much.

I have read on here about people flipping out If their DH went to the pub for a few hours and that is controlling but this is just crap of a man with dc and a wife, it shows a level of selfishness. But also a level of not being fully part of the unit.

We are considering divorce, mine gave me everything I wanted materially. I did at least have my own career. Money sure ain't everything.

Hang on your a Qualified psychologist and he wants to dictate what sort of client groups you can work. How about YOU deciding what kind of client groups you want to work with.

Thankyou everyone. I don't mean to come across as not listening. I think when you post on AIBU it's obviously with a question or issue you are wondering about. Some times it's hard to get the wider picture across and if I sound defensive at all it's because I'm trying to do that.

I do feel a strong sense of obligation to the family, but I think that's normal. I grew up in a quite rural place where families do take care of the elderly and it's more traditional in some aspects than in the UK, I think. I'm aware of it, but it's still there, if that makes sense.

Four DC is a lot and the time flies by and you get on with it. DH is a very hyper person and I'm kind of calmer so we just did what came naturally to each of us in a way.

I can definitely see why people would say he's selfish. It's always been a time issue, mainly. He is not at all irresponsible with finances and would never consider doing something if it meant me or the DC were missing out. For years he never had a day off because he wanted to sort out funds for the school fees and everything else. I don't think he felt like he had much choice once the ball started rolling. He can afford to take more of a step back these days but is still adjusting to this, I think.

He can be quite fixed in his thinking which is problematic. My eldest DS is very "political" in his thinking and very pro women's rights among other issues. We talk about Iran and other parts of the world and how situations come about. They are aware of their cultural heritage and their Britishness - hopefully enough to make up their own minds about things.

Sorry I can't remember my point now

For years he never had a day off, didn't the same apply to you? I bet you were actually doing 24/7 and he still had time for the gym, rugby etc.

It is good that your children are challenging those traditional views, are they helping out more too?

Yhe going back to work issue should not have been the drama it was, but it is resolved now. He said he didn't want me going into youth offending institutes again, that kind of thing, because it will make me ill and why do we need that in our lives. He accepted it's a professional role but he said he's not going to lie to me because that's how he feels. I don't actually want extra stress either, but I felt he was over-reacting. Anyway, I'm on a renewal course now so will see what comes of it.

Such a noble man, being so honest about how he feels. Being so concerned for your well-being and what makes you happy. I'm sure such an altruistic, uxorious hero would never just drop you in it while he fucks off on a three month solo jolly. He has such honest feelings!

I don't know why you posted, he's so wonderful. No he really is a selfish bastard. In 10 years or when your DC have left home where do you think you will be ?
You don't need to reply, but I suggest you think really carefully about it.
I felt sorry for you at the beginning of the thread, then it turns out you've loads of threads about this selfish manchild.
You are not a cool wife, you are a doormat.
You are teaching your kids this is acceptable. When they grow up they will either be very supportive of you, and hate him, or they will be very supportive or him, and think that all relationships are like this. Very unhealthy.

I hope he is not going to use the course/job as an argument for this trip.

Are you going to be honest with him about your feelings about this trip?

The thing is I suppose, if he's a successful businessman and is always away, then I guess the fact he goes off in his jaunts is part of the marriage. You obviously have a nice lifestyle and we need to bear in mind that what goes for one person, might not suit another. I should focus on the issue of the MIL, perhaps look into some sort of companion/help for her so you don't have to worry about her so much whilst DH is away. You never know, he might find being away for 3 months is actually too long and he won't want to do it again.

I agree that he is a selfish arse. However, I am going to go a bit against the grain and say that I would let him go for three months, and I would use that time to set a different dynamic with MIL where I wasn't having to visit her every bloody day and take pathetic phone calls in the night.

He won't be able to do anything about it from the North Pole will he?

I would ask him what he thinks about you visiting your DM alone for 3 months in Spain!!

I'm sure there are less extreme ways of fulfilling aid life crisis.

I had just posted yesterday because I was not feeling "cool" about this expedition at all, but then I was weighing that up against the fact that millions of mums are on their own full time with exs who give them nothing. Or there are forces families, etc who live like this for years. I will tell DH how I feel yes. I'm ok for him to go for a month or so if this is possible and hopefully he will be ok with that. I do appreciate the MN jury view on this!

He can't see the hipocrisy then.

You must curtail your wants to suit the family as a whole. Specifically it would be too dangerous for you too work with young offenders.

He should be able to do whatever he pleases to the detriment of his children. It would not be too dangerous to go on an expidition that had killed much more experienced people?

I don't think he sounds all bad and agree that it doesn't seem like he has changed so to an extent you knew who you were marrying. However, I do think you should point out how ridiculous the double standards are in your marriage. Especially if he tries to argue over not going.

X post! Hope he will compromise with you.

BUt forces families, single parents etc dont get much choice in how things are, his plan is purely a lifestyle choice so not really comparable.

Compare it to 3 months on holiday in the Maldives, for example, how would you feel about that? The type of holiday is irrelevant, it is still a holiday.

I understand the cultural aspects of this because I'm also from a traditionally male dominated culture. As I mentioned in an earlier post, my first husband treated me in a similar way to your DH by choosing to spend lots of time away from me with hobbies, skiing trips or 'charity' adventures. Divorcing him was the best thing I ever did because I was very concerned about our DC treating or being treated by future partners in the same way. Ask yourself what example your children are learning from you and DH. Why bother educating your daughters if they are just going to be future housewives dominated by their husbands?

My second husband is very different. Despite being from the same culture as me, he and his brothers are all very respectful of women and treat us as equals. When MIL showed signs of dementia they told her that her choice was to have carers or to go into a home. She agreed to carers but shouted at them and was abusive towards them, refusing to cooperate with them. Her sons put her into a care home where she was well looked after and she survived for many years living into her 90s. It was never even suggested that the DILs became carers as we all had our own careers. Does your DH or his brother have power of attorney for their mother?

My view is that your DH isn't going to change so it is up to you to decide what you want from your future and the example you want your children to learn. Your DH is damaging his children, making his wife miserable and neglecting his mother by being so selfish. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

If you're ok with him going, you do need to get him to reduce your MIL's reliance on you.

he doesn't do normal things like cook or put stuff in wardrobes. He is always so hectic, it would need to be really important for me to ask.

Is YOUR life not important? Why are you the only one who does these 'normal' things?

He's got you wrapped round his little finger.

For me, it's not just the leaving the wife with 4 children, 2 of whom won't be happy about it. the largest part of this is the obligation of dealing with the exrememly needy MIL.

I could cope with the DC on my own for that long, I could cope without the H for that long, but I could NOT cope as well with the demands of a paranoid needy woman who requires contact, either personal or by phone, more than once a day.

THAT is the stumbling block for me.

If your husband can give up work for over 3 months to go on a jolly next year. I would tell him that he needs to take a few weeks off this year to sort out the situation with his mum. Get her help, in whatever shape that is needed.
Once he has sorted that out you can talk about the expedition. First things first.

Oh, and the suggestion that your mum could come over is only because he knows that his mum could not be left in London by herself for 3 months.
It isn't to help you out it is to be sure that you stay where he needs you to stay.

DH has gone from being very resistant about the idea of me returning to work to suddenly fully supportive now he's realised the DC will not be impacted

What a prince.

Thankyou. I do take everything on board. I just went down to see MIL because I knew she'd be expecting me, but I said I have an appointment so couldn't stay long. She says she will come and see the DC later. Then she said, whatever DH has organised for Mother's Day, tell him not to book the same place as last year with the dry sandwiches! This is how she is, she presumes it's all about her before anyone even asked her. It does need sorting out. Interestingly and as usual, she has not called in the night this week as she knows DH isn't here. She will call when we're watching a movie or in the bath and DH goes down there straight away because he's worried about her panic attacks.
Its very difficult but at least when DH is here I can share her behaviour with him.

Another selfish 'father' and 'husband' who sees his wife and kids as cameo roles in the glittering stage production that is his life with him as the starring role...

The hypocrisy of him not being happy with you going back to work part time because of his concerns of how it will impact the dc yet being okey dokey about naffing off on a three month jolly is breathtaking - and the fact he can't see that is an alarm bell that he really doesn't view you as an individual and certainly not an equal (and that's incl what you've said on your other threads about him)