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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that this is too much?

745 replies

Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:11

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 22:58

He told me about it about 2 weeks ago in the middle of the night. On the weekend he was taking about people he knows who are over there now, but I wasn't really listening tbh. Now he's been in touch with some friends and whoever it is organises it and some film crew and he says he needs to have a serious discussion when he gets home. So I wanted to work out how I felt before he gets back.

OP posts:
Silentplikebath · 16/03/2017 23:39

How do you think he will react if you say no to him and point out how selfish he is being? Will he just accept that and stop his plans or can you expect him to put pressure on you to change your mind?

gillybeanz · 16/03/2017 23:42

Irrespective of whether he goes or not, he has to step up with his dm if he feels so responsible for her Hmm
He got her an apartment close to you so you could look after her.
How much time do you get for yourself and I'm sorry for the scepticism but do you have equal share to the family money? Are you involved in his businesses?

EmiliaAirheart · 17/03/2017 01:09

now he has got his head around the concept that I only ever wanted to go back part-time anyway and I will aim to work with mothers, babies and young children (psychology) he is now fully on board and says he will help me!
So he's supportive as long as you toe the line and pander to his every preference. As someone said about, you and your children really are just like a domestic appliances to him, which only appreciated until they stops doing exactly what he wants, when he wants.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/03/2017 01:57

What about you say "Ok if thats what you want, what are you going to do about YOUR mother?"

Make it clear that she is his mother and his problem. Its one thing helping out when you are there together, but another when he is fucking off for 3 months.

robinia · 17/03/2017 02:17

I'd let him go - with the proviso that mil gets looked after elsewhere.
If he's an ex-RM who gave it up to be with his family it's hardly surprising that he's an adrenaline junkie who needs a fix every now and then.

LoupGarou · 17/03/2017 02:22

DH has gone from being very resistant about the idea of me returning to work to suddenly fully supportive now he's realised the DC will not be impacted

It was reading this which really summed it up for me, seriously the sheer fucking nerve and hypocrisy! Shock.

I did struggle not to laugh reading the website. Ice Warriors ffs Grin. I encounter polar bears on a very regular basis, I even have a set of scars on my abdomen from when I got a bit too up close and personal with one and had a very very narrow escape. Polar bears are amazing and awe inspiring creatures who deserve to be treated with the utmost respect, but anyone who actively wants to meet a hungry polar bear has either taken complete leave of their senses or is just being a twat. Being face to face with one is very unpleasant.

We live in a remote part of Alaska and I would be very rich indeed if I had a dollar for every time something went badly wrong on an arctic expedition trip supposedly organised by an expert Sad

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/03/2017 02:39

Yeah, the OPs career must never impact on the kids but his career and thrill seeking can impact on absolutely fucking everyone, and thats fine.

I can see from your posts that you love him very much OP, but the fact is that you are married to a selfish bastard who will always always put himself first, then his mother, then the kids and then, eventually, you.

If you are happy to live like that then fuck it, dont argue about him going because you and I both know that he will go anyway and you will just suck it up as you always do.

Auntynumber3 · 17/03/2017 02:40

Your DH is being selfish, but he's a grown man and you can't control what adults do, even when you're married to them.

But your DH can't control what you do, either.

Clearly, money is no issue, so if DH is adamant that he wants to this trip, this is what I would do in your situation:

  • during the month prior to his commitments beginning, I would go on a holiday myself. Not for a full month, because I wouldn't want to be away from my children that long, but for a couple of weeks. No expense spared.
  • during the 3 months he is away, I would go away on an extended holiday with the children. Again, no expense spared, and no arrangements made for MIL. That way, you can't take responsibility for MIL and your children won't miss your DH as much as they will be doing something fun and exciting with mum.

Look at this as an opportunity for you to have a brilliant time, by yourself, and with your kids.

user1486924355 · 17/03/2017 02:45

Hi Loup,

I agree with you entirely. Btw, I climbed Denali many years ago. I have many happy memories, re, Talkeetna.

PenelopeFlintstone · 17/03/2017 02:54

My husband works away for a three month stint every year and has done since the kids were little. I know it's work rather than fun but my kids were absolutely fine and never upset at all.
I'd let him go.

LoupGarou · 17/03/2017 02:59

User thank you Smile Denali and Talkeetna certainly are memory making fodder. I've always found Alaska to be like that, sort of quirky but comforting, it stays with you. The people in our community say you were either born with a calling to live in a place like this or you were born wanting to leave, it is a marmite sort of thing I think. The only place I was happier living was Russia.

Sorry OP Blush

BarbaraofSeville · 17/03/2017 03:33

To be fair to the DH over the MIL issue, is it a standard cultural expectation that elderly parents will be looked after by mostly female younger relatives, which would be the DILs for someone who has sons?

In the UK we've moved away from that a lot due to more women working and old age pension provision, which is not the same everywhere. Not saying that women don't work in Iran but I know a couple of women who seem to be the default carer for MILs of overseas heritage.

Still bonkers about the polar exploration though for many reasons.

SuffolkingGrand · 17/03/2017 04:13

Two things to think about (apologies if they've already cropped up):

  • what the hell kind of good example about healthy equal respectful relationships is being set here for your children...not just by him but by you too, acquiescing to his horrendous ego?
  • you are facilitating his ego and his frivolities by doing all the drudge work. Would he even be considering such a trip if there wasn't a 'you' to deal with all the rest of the shit?
He sounds like a complete nightmare.
LastInTheQueue · 17/03/2017 06:43

YABU
It's three months not three years. This is a once in a lifetime experience.
You and the children, and the MIL, will be fine. If this was my husband, I'd be proud, and would want my children to see that you can do anything and day to day drudgery and having a family should not hold you back from living life. Do you perhaps not have any dreams, so feel a little resentful?

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 17/03/2017 06:48

he felt we have enough on as it is

Oh boy. Take a moment and really drink in what you wrote there.

HE felt WE have enough on as it is.

Shall I fix that for you?

HE felt that ME going back to work would interfere with all of the other things that I have on, which would negatively affect his life.

He may well be generous, kind and loving - that doesn't preclude him from being self obsessed, blinkered, narrow minded and sexist. This isn't about him going off to the North Pole - it's about the fact that he thinks it's OK to keep checking in and out of his family life. So he sacked off the marines to have a relationship with you - so what? His choice, nobody forced him - and that certainly doesn't oblige you to have to assume a subservient role whilst Mighty Mouse goes yomping/rappelling/saving the snow leopards.

Be careful OP. If you keep bottling this up the resentment is going to build and build like a pressure cooker. Then you'll end up with a day of reckoning, where at some point whatever jaunt he suggests will be so outrageous and so dependent on you just sucking it up like a good little wife, that it will tip you over the edge.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 17/03/2017 06:50

FYI for posters who are suggesting she is BU and her H should go - there is a huge backstory here.

If my H wanted to do something like this, I'd think he was bonkers but I'd support it - because I know damn well that he'd help me chase my dream if I wanted something similar.

The difference is that I suspect me - and posters who are saying "let him go" all have relationships which are balanced fairly and which are mutually supportive. The OP's marriage is, sadly, not like that.

PoorYorick · 17/03/2017 06:54

I don't get the impression that OP is madly in love with her husband as much as the impression that she doesn't have a very strong identity of her own and feels she owes him everything because he earns a lot.

orenisthenewblack · 17/03/2017 07:00

I wouldn't be happy myself if my DH wanted to go galavanting for three months leaving me and the kids at home. Things would be pretty frosty when he got home from a trip like this, and believe me, I can hold a grudge for years.

YANBU

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 17/03/2017 07:12

PoorYorick yes, I agree. There is a real sense of obligation in OP's posts.

Growing older and gradually noticing the bars on her gilded cage that she'd never spotted before, because she'd been so immersed in the wife and mother role in which she'd been cast. Look at what happens when those bars are rattled; he stamps his foot until she can reassure him that what she wants to do won't affect her other responsibilities.

It will be interesting to see what happens the first time that OP's work clashes with something that her H wants to do.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 17/03/2017 07:24

Somehow I don't think OP is listening. She's justifying all the reasons why he's a good husband/father/son and ignoring all the posts saying what an entitled bellend he is.

I hope you tell him your concerns and I really hope he listens but I have my doubts. I think you're going to be steamrollered into agreeing to this trip and, if so, I hope you spend the time thinking about what he actually brings to this household.

rookiemere · 17/03/2017 07:49

Ok so here's what your bottom line should be. I suspect DH will suggest you put your training on hold so you can do everything else. Please don't do that.

And please listen to your own emotions. That panicky jittery feeling - I suspect that's actually righteous anger but you're so used to suppressing it that you don't recognise it.

Orangetoffee · 17/03/2017 08:05

I also think this trip will happen, OP already had a hard time asking him for a family only weekend without rugby mates to host, I am not even sure that ever happened.
Maybe the 3 months will be showing her just how little he contributes to their day to day life and how much he demands of her. No breakfast smoothies, picking up dirty rugby kits, hosting rugby mates for 3 months is a positive. The MIL issue is a big problem though.

And yes the irony of her job impacting on the kids

expatinscotland · 17/03/2017 08:23

Now you just sound like a martyr. He found the perfect wife in you, a doormat.

LilacSpatula · 17/03/2017 08:31

I'm trying to imagine myself in your shoes but I just can't. There is no way DH would suggest buffeting off for that long to do something for just him. I don't know but I suspect there have been a lot of things leading up to this which make him think this is even a possibility. Honestly? I find it a bit weird.