To tell DH that this is too much?

[Alaia5]

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

How on earth does he justify the time you have to spend placating his mother? HOW? That he is even considering leaving that all to you for 3 months is just utterly selfish. I

As soon as I read your original post, I knew it would be your DH who is recognisable from so many past threads.

All I know is that happy marriages don't generate hundreds of responses across multiple threads.

Your DH is selfish - despite him working for the benefit of his family (as everyone does!), despite any financial comfort that you live in as a result.

You deal with this uncomfortable truth by denying your own options and choices, because you don't want to deal with his response if you didn't toe the line.

Don't believe me? Stop pandering to your useless MIL for two weeks, and see how he takes it.

The paperwork says that the expedition starts in FEBRUARY 2017 and ends in May, so how can be taking part for the 80 days??

IMO I think hes being incredibly selfish! lets say you agree to this, what happens if he comes home next year and wants to do a 6 month expedition somewhere?? At what point do you draw the line??

I started a thread last month asking a similar question to you...... My husband spends a ridiculous amount of time on his own hobbies, putting them before me and the children. Marriage and being a parent is a full time job, not something you take a 3 month holiday from!

xx

It sounds like you and your children are just another hobby for him. Another 'to do' to tick off his list. Your children will grow up and he won't even know them.

He is a selfish, self centred bastard. But, OP, you are letting this situation continue.

He wants to go on a vanity expedition for 3 months? Tell him not to come back. His request is in no way reasonable. What sort of husband and father wants to be away from his family for that amount of time for no real reason?

My short-term memory is shite, but I too remembered his selfishness, although I think it sounds he doesn't get it.
At the end of the day if he really wants to do it, you would feel bad asking him not to, but he needs to realise the impact on you, especially regarding your MIL.

How long has he hankered after going to the North Pole? Have you ever heard him talk about it before now? Is this a long held dream?

YANBu, I have 4 DC (mine have similar gaps but the eldest is nearly 9. Tell me it gets easier Op?!) and the thought of H being away for that amount of time makes me want to weep. I find anything over 4/5 nights really tough. He works long hours but just having him to chat to at night and the weekends makes things a lot easier.

Can it be something for him to aim for when he's 50?! He could start prep now. You can prepare, kids will be older etc.

More Reading of their crap makes it sound like they're looking to recruit multiple sets of people for expeditions.

So basically a glorified holiday company.

Ergo, definitely not a 'once in a lifetime' opportunity.

Tell him to postpone it until the kids are older.

Why are you looking after your mil, it's your dh job.
He has a family and can't just go awol for months on end.
I can't believe he even suggested it.
How can you be with such a selfish man? Who'd want to leave their dc for so long unless it was unavoidable?

You sound lovely OP, he's taking you for a ride. Stand up for yourself, tell him to go nd not bloody come back.

I'm sure the situation with MIL sounds completely riduculous and that's because it really is, but she is his mother, he has known nothing else and I can't send her away. There are some cultural aspects, but he feels responsible for her since PIL died. Also it's hard to see madness in your own mother. Last time she stayed with BIL he brought her back a bit early because his wife was in her third trimester and not well and she had been in tears because is Japanese with a very polite manner and it's too much for her. MIL said SIL gave her food poisoning fgs and she is very obnoxious like that. Actually, she tries to keep me on side these days, but it's still hard work.

DH has never partivulsrly mentioned the North Pole but always reads about expeditions in general and that's his thing.

Then I'd suggest he found a shorter expedition. This is not his dream, its just an opportunity.

Bokky - I did think of that and that if he'd stayed in the forces it would be like this all the time.
It's absolutely nothing like going away for work

Good lord where are your needs in all of this???
So he gets to go on regular, fun, exciting, foreign jaunts and what do you get? You are an equal partner in your marriage with the rights to the same opportunities as him.

Personally I think he sounds extremely selfish.

If MIL is Iranian is she likely to fall foul of the US travel ban? Presumably she is still an Iranian citizen, so given that a second travel ban is currently in effect - albeit being challenged throughout the courts etc. - is she going to be able to enter the US?

Sorry, but your H sounds like a selfish twat. I remember your previous threads where he was very resistant to you going back to work. He's got very traditional ideas about the Wife and Mother staying as the homemaker - which you were happy with - but this seems to have bled over into an assumption that you no longer have an identity, or any individual requirements, hopes, dreams, ambitions... To be blunt, he treats you like a domestic appliance. You are useful - like the dishwasher or the people who wash and valet his car. You serve a purpose - you run his home, raise his children and take responsibility for his Mother.

IIRC you have a lovely home, plenty of disposable income and a limited window for pursuing friendship and hobbies, as long as these don't interfere with your other "responsibilities". However I feel rather sorry for you because it sounds like you live in a gilded cage. Take one step back and think for a moment at how resistant your H was about you taking up a PT job. Now compare this to what he is asking to do - which is fuck off for three entire months on a highly dangerous jolly. Does this sound like a fair and reasonable balance to you? Well, I say that he is asking you - we both know that actually he's presenting this to you in a very emotionally manipulative way, so that you'll feel as guilty as hell if you ask him not to go.

Most life insurance policies will automatically exclude intentionally dangerous activities/deliberating placing yourself at risk, so you might want to get that checked out. People can and do die doing stuff like this - even very experienced explorers. But I doubt he'll worry to much about that. His invincibility complex will mean that he's immune to the everyday worries like the impact on his wife and children.

Wake up. He won't change. What's your purpose when the children are grown up and left home and MIL is in FT care or gone from this world? He'll still be off galavanting and indulging his ego for as long as he can manage the cost and physical demands of these jaunts - because you KNOW they won't stop. The bullshit about his life being half over is just a convenient excuse - he's already been to Patagonia and he used to climb mountains. He's selfish adrenaline junkie who uses you as a human organiser to enable him to go off and chase the latest rush.

I really think you need to say no. From previous threads between his business trips, rugby, business dinners hosted by you etc you get little family or couple time.

To take 3.5 months is ridiculous unless someone has no commitments.

That's without the MIL stuff as an additional responsibility. Not to mention the danger of this all

he feels responsible for her since PIL died.

No, he feels YOU are responsible for her. While he fucks off for months at will.

Your posts talk a lot about 'he says X', 'he feels Y' but if you cut all the talk and look at what he actually DOES, it is plain that he could not care less about his family beyond their use as accessories. You are all there to fulfil his ego and his wants, nothing more.

I don't know how much he earns exactly, but you couldn't pay me twice as much to do the job you've got.

MrDacre - Yes I accept some of what you're saying . He was worried about me going back to work with certain client groups and he felt we have enough on as it is, but now he has got his head around the concept that I only ever wanted to go back part-time anyway and I will aim to work with mothers, babies and young children (psychology) he is now fully on board and says he will help me! So that was a big u turn for him.
He can be egotistical I think, yes. When he's at home he is fairly chilled and the DC do have a lot of fun with him. He's very consistent with them and never loses his temper. He's been there for me through a lot over the years and he is very loving and generous. He's does make me feel valued. He is not a bad person by any means - really! Otherwise I wouldn't care if he was home or not.

From LetBartlet above:

The paperwork says that the expedition starts in FEBRUARY 2017 and ends in May, so how can be taking part for the 80 days??

And also how can he be taking you all on a family holiday at Easter?????

It's in 2018 but training needed before that.

Love involves enabling your partner to do the things that really mean something to them. Especially when they are rare one offs. The fact you never want to do anything really doesn't change that.

Yes, you've made it clear that you won't admit that there is a difference in entitlement and expectations between this man and the OP, or that this is somewhat predictable given the sex roles we are exposed to in society. You seem to be rather outnumbered on the thread, though, and posting that same opinion repeatedly doesn't give it more weight.

No, he feels YOU are responsible for her. While he fucks off for months at will.

Was about to post exactly this.

Yes let him run off to the North Pole for 80 odd days whilst you keep all the balls in the air and tell the kids that daddy is having a once in a lifetime experience.
Something he can look back on and recount to the grandkids. Whilst you stay home with the kids.
Why do we never read that a mother is thinking of going away for 80 days? Probably because we are not selfish assholes who think up this fuckery to go have fun when they have a wife and kids and an elderly mother at home.
Tell him he can go if he organises a nanny to help you and a home help for his mother,
I think he is a selfish arse.

Has DH actually asked you if he can go?