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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that this is too much?

745 replies

Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:11

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

OP posts:
CheeseFlavouredDiscs · 16/03/2017 19:50

Actually I'm wrong about costs... its far worse!

Training - £4,200
Personal Kit and Equipment - £3000 (All team kit is provided).
Your contribution to #Lastpole £12,000

This is for one 20 day trek. So about £55K for the entire 80 day trip....

Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 19:56

Cheese - he hasn't mentioned the cost but that wouldn't bother him.
Bluntness and others who think I shouldn't stop him going - thankyou for your perspectives and I don't want him to have regrets, of course. I'm just hoping maybe we can compromise a bit here.

OP posts:
ComeOnSpring · 16/03/2017 19:57

If he has the taste for adventure then what next. I would be really really careful here. And have a conversation upfront about what this means for the future.

I think you should speak to him and say you are really uncomfortable about it because of 'list of reasons' and say if you do this, I don't want you to do anything for the next X years... or put pressure on you by askig you for permission again for something this big. He should choose this as 'his thing' and you should ask him directly if he wants to do north pole or... 'be the first man in space' etc...

If he goes, knowing that he can't come back and look for his next adventure, he is more like to know that there isn't going to be a next thing!

Aria2015 · 16/03/2017 20:00

Very tough. I would feel the same as you but at the same time if it's a once in a lifetime opportunity and / or had been a life long dream of his then I would have to consider it. I assume this is a one off thing and not the start of him wanting to do other expeditions? If this is it and it won't spark an interest in future long trips away then perhaps consider it.

If you don't agree to it I wouldn't say you were being unreasonable, he's asking a lot of you and your family.

oleoleoleole · 16/03/2017 20:04

Having kids is a once in a lifetime thing, an opportunity some never get.

I wouldn't let him check out of,the marriage and his fatherly duties for 3 months for a hobby, sod that.

GladysKnight · 16/03/2017 20:06

Well I managed to laod the website and it looks very odd. 'Ice Warrior' indeed , lol. That's what it's about isn't it? - feeding the macho image. It says a bit about science & climate change etc etc but youreally ahve to hunt for the mentions of research organsiations or Universities - tehre's much moreabout 'investing' as a sponsor and getting a 'return' because it will make your brand look good.

And love it that it's run from Daffodil Way in Hertfordhire, natural home of all ice warriors! Grin

TheNaze73 · 16/03/2017 20:07

If my DP wanted to do something like that, I'd be supporting them. What an amazing opportunity

LeninaCrowne · 16/03/2017 20:08

Is this the DH who spends much of his "free" time doing sports and inviting people round for you to cater for?

I think he is taking the piss.

rookiemere · 16/03/2017 20:09

DH always tells me how much he misses DS and I when he is away on walking weekends and how he'd rather have spent the weekend at home. So I tell him to cancel his future trips then, but he won't , so I tell him to stop spouting nonsense.
Your DH sounds similar but a lot worse.Sorry about being away, sorry about putting himself first but not actually changing his behaviour in any way.

Underbeneathsies · 16/03/2017 20:10

I bet he has another woman, and a family. Maybe a girl in every port? Well, he is an exMarine.....

What do you say he'll be off for three months next year too, (Patagonia this time perhaps) leaving you to deal with your children and his mother OP.
His mother sounds like she has early onset dementia btw, and needs to be assessed.

Of course if his mum hasn't got a green card, she can't go to the US at the moment can she, if she's Iranian, because of the travel ban.

Sorry you seem to have accecpeted you're so low on the totem pole that you're just a dogsbody and 100% compliant in his life.

When are you going to start to live the life you want OP? You do seem to ave a certain passissivity and learned helplessness.

Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see yourself. Or just someone's mum, someone's wife, someone's daughter?

Witchend · 16/03/2017 20:16

I think my dc would find it very exciting and be working out where he is etc. Ds would want to go with him though. Grin

Orangetoffee · 16/03/2017 20:18

Yanbu, it's far too long for a jolly. The three months is just minimum, how much training will it involve just to pass the test?

And who is going to make his special smoothies?

Notonthestairs · 16/03/2017 20:23

Has he ever, ever mentioned doing this before? I just ask because all this talk of a once in a lifetime trip... I'd be more understanding if this was something that he'd dreamt of for years and now can achieve but it just seems like a bit of a willy waving whim which I am much less sympathetic to.
I posted on this thread earlier today that a space trip will be next.
He's an adrenaline junkie with money. I cant really see you stopping him. And I know this is mean (sorry) but its fascinating what money can buy you (totally jealous - although I'd want 3 months on a beach with my kids andananny)

Notonthestairs · 16/03/2017 20:24

when will i learn how to do strikethrough properly?

Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 20:24

Under - he's been to Patagonia and that time he took the boys Grin
I'm ok when I look in the mirror - I think? I'm doing a course a few mornings with a view to return to work part-time as it's been 15 years. DH has gone from being very resistant about the idea of me returning to work to suddenly fully supportive now he's realised the DC will not be impacted - so that was a turn about! I do my own sports and things in the day too, so definitely not complaining in any way about that.

OP posts:
JamDonutsRule · 16/03/2017 20:26

I think it's only acceptable if he wouldn't bat an eyelid at you doing similar. In fact, I think you should suggest a 3 month break for yourself for after he is back and see what he says!

JamDonutsRule · 16/03/2017 20:27

If he wants a good cause, I agree he should just get the chequebook out!

QueenArseClangers · 16/03/2017 20:35

To be totally fucking blunt he just doesn't think much of you and your beautiful children.
He probably thinks he loves you all but no decent father'd fuck off for a 3 month jolly leaving his kids with no concern for their emotional wellbeing.
Let alone what he truly thinks of you (convenient staff).

I'd LTB.

Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 20:36

No he doesn't have another woman! He doesn't lie about anything.

Orange and Lenina - you have a sharp memories Shock

OP posts:
liquidrevolution · 16/03/2017 20:41

I like the way he is presenting it to you as almost a done deal. Makea it harder for you to say no.

Whatever happens he must get MIL out of your hair when he isnt there.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 16/03/2017 20:43

Ice Warrior ! Grin...Yeah totally scientific..
I think I'd actually be embarrassed for someone who felt the need to do this
"A once in a checkbook opportunity"

witsender · 16/03/2017 20:44

3 months away isn't a biggie in my book, I grew up in yachting where that sort of trip was common place. Many friends have husband who are away for months on end, yes it is 'work' but it is also play and a choice.

However this sounds like a step too far for your family, and a bit like the last straw. He needs to consider this.

DownTownAbbey · 16/03/2017 20:47

I'm all for letting people do their thing but it sounds like his entire life is one thing after another. If this really was his heart's desire, something he'd always longed to do, then I'd be aggravated about the fact that I'd have to cope alone for a quarter of a year but I'd suck it up (assuming I'd get similar consideration when I wanted to spend two weeks in a yoga retreat or something). But this isn't something he's always yearned after, it's just the latest thing and next year there will be something else.

Orangetoffee · 16/03/2017 20:50

My memory is not too bad but I remember your thread because I was quite shocked at your husbands selfishness. Good to hear that you have started the course.

Booshbeesh · 16/03/2017 20:51

Do you ever get a break? Do u ever have a weekend/week away to yourself? Do u ever just pack up and go without making a check list of washing done freezer/fridge full uniforms ironed house hoovered floops mopped etcetcetc.

I think he is being unreasonable even suggesting this. Im sure there is plenty of things in the world that can be just as fun and just as good for the world except wont cost bucket loads and wont be for so long.

Would he be willing to hand over 50k to u and say fuk it go wild. Because thats basically what he is doing. Its unfair. Yes i can cope with the children and day to day life. But what about the evenings when ur sat alone watching tv whilst ur husband is off jokin n laighing with mates on the other side of the world. How u feel if u come down with a stomach bug? And no1 is ther to look after u. He sounds like hes had more then his fair share of "good causes" so i think on this one u should tell him hes unreasonable. And only go if he expects u to have the same freedom. For example forget the house and kids and worry if u have enough bikinis packed for ur cocktail adventure on the beach.