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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that this is too much?

745 replies

Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 13:11

I've posted about DH and his behaviour/ hobbies some months back, so apologies about another question.

DH has recently turned 45 and wants to go on an expedition to the North Pole. The expedition would take 80 days, plus another 2 weeks training prior to the expedition itself.

We have 4 DC aged 14, 12, 9 and 6, so not babies anymore. I also have MIL living nearby and she is a LOT to deal with on a day-to-day basis. In the 15 years we've been married I I've never held DH back from doing anything. He's away regularly due to work anyway, so I'm more than used to coping on my own for anything between one night to a week.

80 days though is practically 3 months and I'm surprised that I feel slightly panicked and tearful at the thought of him being away for that long. I'm not even sure if there will be wi-fi? On the other hand, it's for a great cause and I can see it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. I'm obviously worried about the impact of him being away on the DC as well, particularly our younger two.

AIBU to say this is too much or AIBU to let him go and have my DC be without their dad for 3 months? I know there are millions of single parents or people with partners in the forces which makes me think maybe I'm being a bit precious about the whole thing? DH is coming back from NY tomorrow night and wants to discuss it, but I genuinely don't know what to think. AIBU?

OP posts:
greenworm · 16/03/2017 19:01

I'd want to have a really honest discussion with him, about whether he could truly say he'd be happy for you to go off for an equivalent amount of time and leave him at home with the kids, even if there was full time childcare etc. Especially when you'd be having sketchy/patchy contact. It's beside the point whether you actually want to go off yourself or not - could he really dig deep and say honestly hand on heart if this situation was the other way around, he'd be OK with it?

WeddingsAreStressful · 16/03/2017 19:02

The thing is, if it were my DH, I would let him go. But he's an equal partner who wouldn't just drop this on me. The problem here is that he treats you like shit, you are the one doing all the boring stuff all the time while he gets to do whatever he wants. Personally, I couldn't stay with someone like that. You've got bigger issues here actually, not just a 3 months jolly.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 16/03/2017 19:04

awwww, bless him, all these jollies are killing him!

he has NO FRICKING IDEA about your life, or the lives of his children.

just hope he doesn't get eaten by a polar bear or fall down a crevasse.

wineusuallyhelps · 16/03/2017 19:05

No way would I ever be happy with this. Unless it is his only chance (and even then, it's very debatable), this is something that could be done when the children are older. Haven't RTFT though.

If my DH was happy not to see his children for three months, then I'd question what was going on in his head.

If a woman was saying this, I think there would be some very different reactions...

So, personally, I think YANBU.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 16/03/2017 19:08

If my DH was happy not to see his children for three months, then I'd question what was going on in his head.

A thousand times this. Especially when your youngest is 6! That's still so small.

greenworm · 16/03/2017 19:13

I don't get how this tallies with him saying he misses you and the kids and wants to travel less, which is what he had previously told you.

Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 19:15

I'm a quite normal person though in that I can get a lot of pleasure out of normal things. I'm lucky that I feel very settled in this country and London and love bringing up the DC here. I'm not isolated or bored ever and my friends are great. The difference is, when I want to meet my friends we will just go for coffee or something. When he wants to see his friends, it's always under the guise of some competitive "event" like a car rally or ski trip and to me, there is a lot of showing off that I can't be bothered with. He is not the type to just go to a pub for a chat.

I feel like I can't leave him with the kids because he doesn't do normal things like cook or put stuff in wardrobes. He is always so hectic, it would need to be really important for me to ask.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 16/03/2017 19:19

Why would he want to leave his kids for 3 months for a jolly?

Its hugely selfish. No bloody way.

I bet he wouldn't keep the home fires burning if you disappear for 3 months

wineusuallyhelps · 16/03/2017 19:22

It strikes me that if he isn't adept at looking after his children by himself, this 3 months would be better spent dedicated to them; learning how.

We are only parents once. Our children only grow up once.

The North Pole will (probably) always be there...

Just a thought. Good luck OP Flowers

Emboo19 · 16/03/2017 19:24

I've no experience of this as a partner, and can't say what I'd do really. Me and my boyfriend don't really ask the other to do anything, but then I know he wouldn't want to do something like this. (Sorry if that doesn't make much sense)

My dad, did go away a lot for his hobby when I was young though. 6 months in America when I was around 8/9 was the longest in one stretch. Honestly at the time, I felt pretty abandoned and less important than his hobby.

Even now as a adult, although I'm more understanding. I still think he was selfish and it hurts that I wasn't important enough.

There wasn't any financial gain in him going away and it did leave me and my mum struggling, so that's contributed to my feelings too.

AppleAndBlackberry · 16/03/2017 19:24

Clearly there are polar expeditions that don't take 3+ months if this was a lifetime dream, but it doesn't even sound like it is, it sounds more like he's heard about it and decided on a whim that he wants to go. I think I'd be wanting to talk seriously with him about the negative impact on you and the children and weigh that against how much he really wants to go and whether he would consider a shorter alternative. I think it's a long time for your children, the 6 year old especially.

Bokky · 16/03/2017 19:26

DH is in the Forces so I know what it's like going it alone for 3 months and it does pass quickly. He will be back under your feet before you know it!

I would say go if it was me in this situation - it's a once in a lifetime opportunity.

EffinElle · 16/03/2017 19:27

The more I read the more he sounds like a selfish, willy waving manchild. Can't cook or put stuff in wardrobes ffs Hmm

TowerRavenSeven · 16/03/2017 19:30

Yanbu. There have to be shorter excursions available sometime. Or he needs to be a grown up and wait!

Original poster
Alaia5 · 16/03/2017 19:31

Bokky - I did think of that and that if he'd stayed in the forces it would be like this all the time. You have my respect for being able to deal with it. I'm just not sure I can.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 19:34

It does sound like a once in a life time opportunity, if there is a film crew, people he is connected to and mapping new territory. It sounds exciting and I could see why he would want to go.

As said, my husband is ex forces, went away foe three months at a time, and when our daughter was only a few months old. I also worked full time. Didn't bother me at all, and it passed surprisingly quickly. You get into a routine.

Love involves enabling your partner to do the things that really mean something to them. Especially when they are rare one offs. The fact you never want to do anything really doesn't change that.

However I think you've made your mind up op. And I think you will come to regret it.

MerryMarigold · 16/03/2017 19:35

I'd like to go and volunteer for 3 months in the Philippines and throw in a bit of a holiday to the South Pacific. I won't because I am an adult with responsibilities. I am nearly 44. There's tons of stuff I'd like to do, but it would be selfish and irresponsible so I won't.

3 words.

Mid.Life.Crisis

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 19:39

I'd like to go and volunteer for 3 months in the Philippines and throw in a bit of a holiday to the South Pacific. I won't because I am an adult with responsibilities

wineusuallyhelps · 16/03/2017 19:40

Being in the forces is a job you are doing to pay for your family, isn't it?

Going to the North Pole is a jolly. Not really comparable.

I'll say it again - if a woman came on here saying "AIBU to go on an amazing trip for three months and leave my four children with their dad?", I can pretty much guarantee there would be wildly different responses. She would get slated Hmm

Silentplikebath · 16/03/2017 19:41

Will your DH listen if you tell him how unhappy he is making you by leaving you as the default carer for the DC?

You sound quite easy going which makes me think you may be a people pleaser who puts her own needs last but your feelings do matter. You are not second in importance in this marriage. You are entitled to say no and sometimes it is worth making a fuss and standing up for yourself even if it means having an argument. This is one of those times.

MrsExpo · 16/03/2017 19:44

Going against the grain here, but I'd give him my blessing and tell him you're fine with him going ... not that you give your permission!!! He's an adult. He's asking for your blessing, not your permission. This is not about bring "reasonable" or otherwise. You can manage the kids and MiL. We all only get one life, so let him live his in his way.

Wifi at the North Pole??!! Hmm ... probably not.

floatingfrog · 16/03/2017 19:45

YADNBU! Did you really entertain this idea? I would have told him to FO, in no uncertain terms!

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 16/03/2017 19:46

I would be happy for my husband to go, he often goes away for weeks at a time for work/to his home country and it doesn't really bother me.

However, he's a brilliant Dad when he's here!

What do you mean he can't do putting clothes away or care for his own children or cook? If he lacks the skills to do these very basic things, how will he cope on an expedition for three months? Not eat? Not likely.

He has strategically developed incompetence at home to get himself out of childcare, but mysteriously has lots of skills like mountaineering and rally driving. Clever huh!

CheeseFlavouredDiscs · 16/03/2017 19:47

I've looked at the website, and I think either you or your husband have misunderstood something....

They are actually only offering 20 days to each person, and doing the 80 day journey with 4 teams, each team doing 20 days of the overall journey. It will cost £12,000 per person to do the training and the 20 day expedition.

If your husband has somehow got them to let him do all 80 days of the trek, then its going to cost a LOT more, probably in the region of £30,000+ based on their breakdown of costs.

halcyondays · 16/03/2017 19:48

I don't think it's very sad not to have someone to take on your responsibilities, it's fairly normal if you have kids/work etc not to be able to go off like this.